Balls.

While I was massively hungover yesterday, I still tried to get S and GM out to the pub. Sadly, they were having one of it. S had his own hangover and GM was off to his parents' place for the weekend. Partly I just wanted to get out of the apartment, partly for a hair of the dog and mostly because I wanted to talk about GB's recent comments.

S can sometimes be a good sounding board and when he's in that mood, he's great, but it's a risk you need to take because 95% of the time, he's quite immature. GM, on the other hand, is extremely easy to talk to and very non-judgemental. I feel like I could have any conversation with him at all.

It's just a shame that they're both unavailable this weekend, for whatever reason.

Hmmm.

I was in the pub last night with GB and MF with a work thing. I'd spent all day trying to persuade CH to turn up but she had things to do. However she did walk up with me to the bar and we chatted, but she left to get the bus home, sadly.

It was a fun, if uneventful, night with the only talking point today being GB's rather derisory (IMO) accusation that I had left a message on MFF's Facebook account just to draw attention to myself for CB. I had to ask her to explain herself because when she made the comment, she used CB's first name which is the same as RB's, albeit spelled differently. With MF there, I wasn't sure which girl she was initially referring to (though I was more than tipsy at this point and to be honest, RB rarely ever gets mentioned by MF though I think GB is aware that we had a date or two), but when I eventually figured it out, I scoffed at her ludicrous suggestion.

It's utter nonsense of course, but that's twice in the past two weeks that GB has made a negative comment on my interaction with other people with regards to dating/sex. I wonder if this something that I am going to have to have a chat with her about?

Friends will be friends...

Returning to a previous line of thought, namely my friends where the friendship seems to be lopsided, I have to say that I don't think this is a new thing. For years, for example, and I am sure there's evidence on this very blog, I have complained about how frequent AM and QC1 are in contact. I was always a driving force behind a group of us going out and as soon as I stopped making the effort, then I essentially stopped seeing them. That hurt because, for many years, AM was possibly my closest friend. Certainly, she was the one person that I could sit down with and just talk, and there haven't been a lot of people I can say that about - even those I've dated.

The last few times I've tried to arrange something with AM or QC1, I've done all the running, chasing and suggesting only for QC1 (mainly) to make aribtrary decisions at the last moment, trying to change all the plans we'd made previously. The last time, I suggested meeting for lunch on Tuesday at 1230 and stated explicitly that I was pretty restricted on when I could go. QC1 changed it to Thursday at 1300, and then got affronted that I couldn't make it. So, I quietly gave up about a year ago and haven't heard from either of them since -go figure.

What people do is, in my opinion, a lot more important than what people say. Talk, as the saying goes, is cheap. I don't want to hear promises that you don't keep, I want to see you act on what you say or even surprise me by doing it without saying. FA2 was similar in attitude, though for different reasons. Before we started dating/sleeping together, she was as unreliable as AM/QC1. When it got physical and looked as if it were heading towards a relationship, she almost became a different person and was attentive and made the effort, then when she moved away, she resorted to her earlier persona. It was almost as if she did it because she felt she had to (reading the manual of relationships), not because it was natural to her... and her (emotional) distance was partly why it all ended while she was away. FP is another person who seems to want his own way all the time, and if it looks like he might not get it, he tends to make himself unavailable.

On the other hand, E has been a great friend. While we have had our moments where we talk about our emotional and personal lives (and she has shared some very personal and emotive things), I think our friendship is defined by the fact that we've gone out of our way for each other when required. For that reason alone, I class her as one of my closest and best friends and I'm sad because we now live half a planet apart.

I don't know if I hold my friends to particularly high standards - I believe that I base them on myself. I treat my friends the way that I want to be treated and that's why it's disappointing when I go out of my way to help someone (dispensing lots and lots of career advice to GB over the past few months, for example) and get little in return.

I have to say that most of my issues are with female friends. I don't know if there's some kind of communication issue going on here that I don't yet understand or if it's the general nature of male/female friendships. Or maybe I'm just a mug.

The funk continues.

The problem with being snowed in and only having intermittent power is that there's not a lot to do when everything inevitably goes dark, apart from perhaps read a book via torch or candlelight. Despite texting a few people to let them know of my circumstances, only two people actually got in contact - KfW2 and CH (after a fashion). UF was chatting to his fiancé and friends, MfW was away to his girlfriend's house.

With an absence of external stimulation, I ended up wrapped in a blanket on the sofa just pondering various things. The lack of contact from various friends and family was forefront in my mind, especially after my recent musings about being in one of my "would like to find someone" moods. The events of the past few days has only strengthened that feeling, but I run into the same problems as I always have: finding someone I'm interested in and actually talking to them. I hate to bring up the CB thing again, but she still pops up on my Facebook feed having posted on MFF's account, and that's a frustration in itself.

I think the contact thing/perceived lack of caring by my friends is part of the reason why I am so annoyed with GB regarding the CB introduction or lack thereof. GB fills her Facebook page with meaningless guff but when it comes to actually doing something meaningful, she falls short and I guess I get the feeling sometimes that I am a better friend than some people deserve, which saddens me somewhat.

Money, money, money.

This week's Euromillions lottery jackpot was at least £80 million. That's an awful lot of money.

What would you do with such a windfall?

Dream a little dream.

My dreams this week have all had a similar theme. My sleep pattern isn't great; I'm a light sleeper these days  and will often wake up two or three times per night, but I will often remember my last dream as I awaken in the morning. This week, CB, RB, CAB and FA2 have all featured in my dreams. FA2 featured in one where  I seemed to recall various moments of our relationship - nothing specific happened. The other three had a similar vibe - nothing specific happened, but they all seemed to happen in the present - meeting the people in question through mutual friends at parties, the pub etc.

As always, I don't know what they mean, but the similarity between them was worth commenting upon.

Friendship.

Every now and again, I take my lunch with CH. To be more specific, we usually take a trip round the shops and have a chat and a laugh. The last time we did it was a few weeks ago when I was having troubles with my new manager in work. I'd mentioned that KfW2 was planning to cal me that afternoon as we both had concerns about the new guy. CH seemed shocked that KfW2 and I are in regular contact outside of work. I don't know why - we've been out socially loads of times and there are quite a few photos on Facebook of us together or at the same social engagements and CH would have seen that.

I meant to follow up on her surprise at this, but we got side-tracked onto a different subject so the moment passed, but it's intrigued me since. I may re-visit the topic again when we next have a proper chat.

Hmmm...

KfW2 was asking me questions all day - how was I? Were things OK? Stuff like that.I think this is all coming off the back of her comments yesterday about me not being in great form on Sunday. I wasn't then, to be honest. KfW2 said that she thought I was distracted today, not actually in bad form but definitely with my mind elsewhere.

If I do, then it's sub-conscious. I know that the CB/meeting someone thing was on my mind recently, the work thing as well, but these are things that have no real solution apart from letting things play out. Same with the more recent DSC thing too - it's out of my hands and all I can do is make myself available if or when she wants to talk, go for a drink, whatever.

Hurrah!

I was thinking that I was going to have to be really sneaky and do a bit of behind the scenes skulduggery with the landlords in order to get our lease into an annual thing rather than a rolling monthly contract. If we did that, then we would be looking for a new flatmate on our now usual anniversary in the house, not when UF decided he was going to leave.

However, UF himself admitted that he would be leaving on the anniversary date (he seems unaware that we switch to a rolling monthly contract on that date that would mean he could hang around another few months), so it looks like I might not have to be as sneaky as I thought.

I'll still have to be sneaky to a certain extent, mind you, but I think it's about time I had a chat with the landlords...

Oh dear.

I have literally just gotten a text from DSC to tell me that she's split from her boyfriend. This, in my opinion, is good news. Her boyfriend was one of the most inflexible people I've ever met. For those of you who watch the show, if you can consider Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, then I think you'll not be far off.

I don't think I am being facetious here either... I have seen the man behave like a child when he doesn't get his own way. He eats like a child (all fizzy drinks and ready meals) and will turn his nose up at anything new.

While DSC is far from perfect herself (who is though?), she can still do much better than this current idiot. I'll try and get her out soon and we can have a laugh and she can chat or rant as appropriate.

Green, turning blue.

S and I went for something to eat yesterday afternoon ahead of meeting up with the rest of the guys at my favourite pub. There are always discussions about where to go when we have our big days out, but we usually end up in this one pub. At the last minute, someone else suggested the place we were in on New Year's Eve with GB and GM, and while that's an excellent pub, it's not really handy for anyone these days - GM and GB have moved away from the area, it's remote and a taxi ride there. Once it was suggested, it niggled at me for a bit though because I knew there was a good bet that if CB was out for St. Patrick's Day, it would probably be there.

Regardless, we ate and went round. We were the first to arrive and tried to grab seats. GB, GM and MF plus boyfriends etc. were the next to arrive, almost an hour after the pre-arranged meeting time. Apparently they were unavoidably held up in their quest for food, but didn't have the common sense/manners to at least drop me or S a text message to let us know that they were running late. Predictably, KfW2 didn't show up until 90 mins after we originally arrived - again, unavoidable family issues, but no text to let us know she was running late.

GM and I got involved in some chat with a couple of girls from Kent, which was really good fun while it lasted, but that was pretty much the highlight of the entire evening.

KfW2 went home early - really early. She wasn't feeling brilliant, having picked up a bug/the cold from her fiancé and flagged really quickly. It was obvious to see, and while it was disappointing, it was for the best. S invited one of his friends down and he annoyed me really quickly (as he has done many times) and I got fed up of GB making demands - she refuses to stand in a bar, but won't take the initiative in grabbing seats, directing others. Additionally, as we were making our way to the bar, I paused to let one of the barmaids pass by, only for GB to come up behind me and tell me that it was pointless "because she'll never fuck you". All of this just annoyed me, so I left around half past ten and came home. I wasn't too drunk and could easily have stayed out longer, but everyone's tardiness plus GB's comments on top of a general malaise meant I wasn't in very good form.

So, today I have been generally disappointed in yesterday's outcome and have wished that we'd gone to the New Year's Eve pub instead, if only for a change of scenery. KfW2 phoned this morning and asked if everything was OK. She'd picked up that I wasn't in great form, so I admitted that I wasn't. She didn't sound brilliant, so it looks as if the cold has properly taken hold, so we swapped stories of us being misertable - her, physically, me, mentally.

Cheers!

I'm hoping that I will have the house to myself this weekend - I need the space because both UF and MfW are pissing me off. In addition, I'm planning on having people round for St. Patrick's Day before and after we go to the pub, so getting these two imbeciles out of my hair means I can give the place a good clean... because it's not like they'll ever lift a finger. And, well, you know I don't want my friends to think I am some kind of unhygienic slob, because I'm not. I might not be tidy per se, but I'm clean.

There should be a good crowd out - S, GB, GM, KfW2 amongst others and previous days out have been very successful and lots and lots of fun.  I can pretty much guarantee that I'll be in good form too - I usually am when we all head out. I'm looking forward to it a lot. I tried to get CH out, but she's having none of it - it's too far away and too expensive to get a taxi home. JB also said she wouldn't be out, but that's more from too much partying last week.

Throwing in the towel.

I was all for giving up on ever getting an introduction to CB - the trouble getting GB to ask MFF for information in the first place, MFF seemingly not hearing from anyone on the other side of this trail of Chinese whispers and the fact it's now been two months since the whole thing kicked off have all taken a toll on my optimism.

And if I am being honest, I was optimistic... why not? CB is single, I assume she's interested in meeting new people, we have a mutual friend in MFF who is able (and supposedly willing as of a month ago) to supply information both ways and my female friends (USHW, GB, A, QC2 and CH amongst others) all gave me the go ahead about making the approach through GB mentioning the Facebook thing, assuring me it was an OK way of doing it (I did have my concerns about that) and that it wouldn't appear creepy.

What I had prepared myself for was either an introduction (not a blind date per se, but an engineered meeting in a group in public) or a refusal/reluctance to meet, and that would have suited me fine - a definitive answer either way. The one thing I didn't want is nothing - to be as clueless now as I was eight weeks ago. MFF hasn't reported back to GB, GB seems reluctant to talk about it now and was never pro-active and I have no idea what has gone on. If I saw CB in the pub again, could I approach her? Has word from MFF gotten to CB through her sister? If so, then approaching her looks like I can't take "no" for an answer. If it hasn't, then it's an option still open to me.

I am reluctant to push it any further with GB and never had any dealings directly with MFF. In my mind, it was an outside bet taking advantage of a rather fortunate coincidence with regards a girl I've spotted briefly in the pub a couple of times who I've never actually spoken to. While I don't think I'm the type to play games, there is an element of me who doesn't want to appear too keen (though I would like to meet CB).

Thanks to a quick chat with USHW last night on Facebook, I don't think I am ready to throw in the towel just yet though. I won't be chasing GB about it any more, mind you. If it comes up in conversation with her, I will ask. If not, I will say nothing. If I get a chance to have a chat informally with MFF (outside of work), then I might mention it to her instead, though chats with MFF in a social setting are few and far between.

Suspicion.

I thought I'd hit it lucky last night... S agreed to go out, but GM is away for the weekend. I'd dropped GB a text message asking if she fancied meeting up after she'd fulfilled her commitments with MFF and CH - the implication being that all three women would come out and meet us and I could talk to MFF about CB and finally put this all to rest. And getting a female perspective on it all is always helpful should there be cause for optimism.

However, by the time S and I arrived in the city, there was no word from GB so I text her again. They had finished their meal and were on their way home.

Sometimes I think that GB doesn't want me to meet CB given the amount of coaxing I've had to do to get her to talk to MFF and recent conversations over instant messaging in work. I know that she volunteered to get info originally, but since then I've done all the chasing and it has really frustrated me to be honest.

I've just gotten a text off FP, taking a raincheck on tonight. We planned it last week, but he started making excuses a few days ago. The text message today was inevitable. It's for the best because I'm feeling fragile after last night and could do with a quiet night.

Introspective.

It's either anger or stress due to work or a combination of both, but I've been emotionally drained over the past week. Usually, when this happens, I think about being romantically involved with someone. Friends are good, and I love mine dearly, but there is a support there that you get in times like this, I think, that can only come from someone who's that close to you.

Obviously, given the past two months, it's CB who pops into my head first, though that avenue seems to be closed. I talked to GB about it briefly today (it would be more accurate to say that I mentioned a desire to meet CB), but she seemed very reluctant to get into a conversation about CB. That was annoying as GB is out tonight with MFF and CH, so it would have been nice if GB could push this thing a bit more with support from CH. It annoyed me a bit, but I had already made the decision that I was going to do things directly through MFF if the chance arises (until I hear for definite one way or the other about getting an introduction).

As an aside, CH and I had a proper chat during the week and my relationship status was discussed. She mentioned that she wondered why I was single and my reply was that I don't often feel the need to be with someone and that it's rare for me to actually go out on the pull (as it were) and rarer still that I have a desire to settle down or meet someone.

So, still feeling a little sorry for myself, I've put the feelers out to S and GM about heading out tonight for a few drinks. We usually end up having a good laugh and at least getting some eye candy is a temporary respite.

I'm meant to be meeting DSC tomorrow for a catch up and then, tentatively, out with FP for a catch up and drinks. FP's being coy though and won't commit, despite it being his idea.

Bad news and good news.

The work thing is ongoing. While I appear to be the only one who's been singled out with regards to desk reshuffles, the new manager is still refusing to engage with team members on a more personal level. Today in a meeting, he ignored four direct requests to set up meetings with team members and talked around the requests. In an hour's worth of meeting, he managed to answer the grand total of zero questions, he put no-one's mind at rest and even suggested that we "throw away" a section of our performance management goals that could be at least 5% of our mark at year-end.

Our old manager is still around and he's watched as morale in the team has taken a huge nosedive in the past three weeks. I know it's not just me, but I still feel as if I have been picked on with this seat move. There is still a slight chance that the desk move could be reversed by the end of the month, but I think that was just to try and placate me (something that really hasn't worked). I don't know how much action our old manager can take right now(he still has some influence), but I know he has his nown concerns about the new guy. Hopefully he won't let things get too bad.

In other news, I had the meeting with the foxy HR girl today about my salary concerns and I have gotten a bit of a result. While I haven't gotten exactly what I wanted, I have managed to get 75% of what I'm looking for with a very slight chance that more could follow later in the year. I think I'm reasonably happy enough about that.

Grrrr.

The enforced seat move happened today and I am not happy. I seem to be sitting in a draught that I can't get comfortable in, I'm still pissed at the unnecessary move and to make matters worse, the general consensus from those around me seems to be that I have been moved because there is too much interaction going on with those around me... like splitting up two kids because they're not doing enough work at school.

Except, our work load is up to scratch as is the quality (in fact, it's extremely high) and the team is, IMO, a better place for having a bit of fun/banter/conversation (something that our old team leader agreed with and encouraged).

Sigh.

Socially speaking.

I got a text from G on Friday night when I was out for our monthly work social event. He was back home for a quick 36-hour trip and did I fancy some beers? Of course I did, but his timing was terrible. I had planned on a quiet Friday night, but that kinda went out the window after my disastrous meeting with my manager. I had hoped that MFF was out with the work thing so I could pick her brains about CB, but she was nowhere to be seen. So, I ended up getting pretty smashed with KfW2 and a few work guys.

On Saturday, I was meant to be meeting a guy from an online forum I'm a member of who was visiting my city with his girlfriend. We were due to have a few drinks and I was convinced that it would probably be quite drunken. He turned out to be a nice enough bloke and his girlfriend was nice and chatty too, but my initial thoughts about making it an all-night affair were scrapped when G announced his presence. I still managed to meet him for a few drinks before heading out to meet G.

I wasn't in great form to be fair. I had a pretty big hangover (pretty big for me, that is) and had a dicky tummy all day, so large quantities of booze were not a good idea. However, we had a great evening. M popped in for a bit and we had a chat as well. He reassured me that the plastic date from last week was indeed just that and that there was no subterfuge involved. As he left, we made tentative arrangements to meet soon for drinks (and that he's bringing along MM and MMBF). I mentioned the CB thing to G, but despite my posts last week where I admitted defeat, I said that it was still in play. I don't know why I said that, but ultimately it's unimportant as it's all out of my hands unless MFF can do something.

As G and I were leaving (we were calling it quits early), we managed to bump into E3 and two of her friends, one of whom I simply cannot stand. The other was cute and I'd never met her before. E3 apologised profusely about last year when she "threw herself" at me (her words, not mine). I told her that apologies weren't necessary. If I'd been in better form, I might have laid some groundwork or hinted at a fuck buddy agreement because I did think there was still a glimmer of interest on her part... I just don't know what her opinions are on casual sex... and, well, there's always the fallout.

So, with two big social nights under my belt this weekend, I feel as if I could do with a day off. I could certainly do with a good night's sleep.

Oops.

Sigh.

The managerial thing has taken a turn for the worse. I was called in for a chat with the new manager late last week and he informed me, quite bluntly, that I was to move desks. He cited his reasons for doing so and, while they're quite logical, I don't agree that they're necessary. There's also the fact that I am the only person moving desk (to make room for a new employee) and that I get along extremely well with everyone who sits beside me. I engage people on a personal level and get people interacting with each other. In my opinion, the team is a better team to work in for my presence.

I have to admit that even though it's only a 10 foot desk move, I took it badly. While I am obviously not happy about moving seats from somewhere that's "fun" (and beside people I genuinely consider as friends like KfW2) to somewhere on the edge of the team beside someone who's hard to talk to, I think part of it is my complete disagreement on how the new manager has behaved since joining our team and also, being the only person having to sacrifice something. That last bit is something that I think is related to a situation I found myself in years ago when a manager in another department essentially bullied/harassed me for months until I eventually reported her. I'm now extremely wary of things like this happening.

So, in my anger, I laid out some truths directly to my new manager. I pretty much told him that the team are concerned about his lack of people skills, that he doesn't appear to be a people manager, instead concentrating on learning our processes and systems rather than the people he's now meant to manage, that his first words to some team members were critical of their actions or generally upsetting the status quo without understanding it first. His words to me? He said that it was not ideal, but he had to learn that stuff. When I mentioned that I was feeling victimised by the move (probably not the right phrase, but the meaning is roughly the same), he was instantly dismissive.

I'm considering apologising to him on Monday, but not for what was said. I stand by all of that fully and it's really rather worrying that someone in charge of fifteen people doesn't have any people skills. However, in my anger, I fear that my tone was entirely inappropriate.

I'm also slightly concerned about why this is such a big deal to me. Is it just a build up of frustrations about CB, pay rises, the laziness of my house mates and general concerns about this new guy as a manager or is there something else involved?