Suits you, sir.

A post made on Reddit asked how old was the oldest piece of clothing that people own. My record is 31 years: a t-shirt that I bought at a gig back in, I think, 1995. It's on its last legs, but there's a bit of sentimental value to it. It was a gig I was at with D and FBS and had a great time (this was long after my dalliance with FBS).

But I also have another t-shirt that's over 18 years old. This one doesn't really have sentimental value - I don't recall where or when I bought it - but I do remember that I wore it on my "proper" date with Recruitment Bird. Does getting handsy and making out with RB mean that I can attach sentimental value to a t-shirt? Maybe it does.

We're a few weeks away from it being the 18th anniversary of the start of the RB thing, but I think it's time that the t-shirt gets retired*

*binned. 

Regrets?

A question was asked on Reddit a few days ago: "When did you regret leaving a SO?"

I replied that I didn't regret leaving someone, but there was a person where I had second-guessed the timing. The person I was thinking of was CAB. As I've no doubt explained before, we always had an expiry date. She was going to go away for university and I had no desire to have a long-distance relationship. At best, we had six months, though I pulled the plug around the three month milestone.

Had I thought it through, I probably should have just kept on dating her. She was good fun, we had some great private fun even if there was never any actual sex (not through a lack of trying on our part) and I could easily have spent the summer going to bars with her, because that's really all we did. 

A thought that only crossed my mind recently was that we didn't feel like a couple, she felt more like a FwB to me. Was that just our vibe or was her imminent departure for university at the back of my mind and putting a barrier up against any real relationship growth?

But a pleasant enough memory. And here's a picture of Anna Kendrick giving me some serious CAB vibes:

Provocation?

I was reading Reddit earlier and a post in a Men's sub asked the question about turning down an attractive friend.

I instantly thought of the evening that E3 kissed me, at the end of M's birthday party. What I didn't put together until today were the parallels between that evening and the first night I kissed FA2.

On the evening I first kissed FA2, I was out with another group of people that included FA1. FA1 and I had a bit of chemistry, but I could never tell if that was translated into actual romantic interest. BW was meant to be out, but there was no sign of him when we all met in the early evening. Eventually BW turned up, with FA2, nearly three hours after the rest of us had met. By that time, I'd been chatting to FA1 for a while. I'd ruled out any interest on her part due to the fact she'd recently started dating a new guy. But as I said, we'd always had chemistry, so the conversation flowed easily, and that was how BW and FA2 found me, deep in conversation to the point of being oblivious to anyone else around us.

At M's birthday party, while there was a group of old school friends in attendance: G,BR,E3 and others, I was being more of a social butterfly. I was chatting to some of MM's friends, including MMBF who was looking mighty fine in one of her figure hugging dresses. There was a bit of low-key flirting going on. Both M and MM knew that I had a bit of interest in her, but I think we all agreed that we probably weren't suited from a personality perspective. On more than one occasion, MM's friends had me on the dance floor.

There are strong similarities in both nights - me being fully engaged with other, attractive, women. So, it struck me earlier. Was it my behaviour with MMBF and FA1 that prompted E3 and FA2 to make their moves? Another similarity was that I didn't see a lot of E3 or FA2 at that point (that changed with FA2 after this night though).

Refresh.

The internet dick crossed my mind briefly when I went to bed last night, but only briefly. I think my assumption yesterday that he'd already blocked me and so didn't see my last message where I'd called out his hypocrisy. (I am am little disappointed that the other moderator didn't reach out - I think we had decent rapport and worked well together.)

That, I think, translated into a very good night's sleep. I feel great this morning. 

Palate cleanser.

To cheer me up from yesterday's "drama" (which I think had a bigger effect than you might expect because the guy's attitude and behaviour reminds me of an old boss I had about 10 years ago), here are some attractive women.

From the top: Anna Kendrick, Alison Brie, Frankie Bridge, Victoria Justice, Anne Hathaway and finally Gemma Atkinson.

You're still outta here.

I didn't sleep at all last night. That's the second time this week it's happened. However, while I've no idea why Tuesday night was sleepless, last night's was all about the internet dick.

My smart watch tells me I got 5.5 hours of sleep, but it really didn't feel like that. I got half of that if I was lucky. It also reported high heart rate (the anxiety) and high temperature.

Surprisingly, the internet dick never replied to my last message despite his history and personality needing to have the last word. Will he reply today (he's based in the USA so there are time differences to consider)? I don't know, but my plan is delete the message unread if I can. I've said my piece. Though I am now wondering if I was already blocked after he had the last word and my most recent message hasn't been delivered.

You're outta here!

I was given a demotion earlier today. It's nothing serious, and nothing professional. I was a moderator on a large social media site for a specific topic and the so-called "lead moderator" removed for me lack of respect.

I'm not going to lie, I don't respect him. Ever known a person who gets a little inkling of power and lets it get to their head? Yeah, that was this guy. I thought I was hiding my contempt quite well, but looking back, clearly not. Anyhoo... he was lead moderator by the sake of a random algorithm or luck of the draw, not through any actual knowledge, merit or tenure.

But he used that title and the few additional powers that granted him, to decide debates etc. Disagree with him about the way forward? He'd do it anyway under the guise of being "lead moderator". Make a decision he didn't like? He'd reverse it because he was the "lead moderator".

One of those people who always needs to have the final word? Yeah. 

He also hates feeling like he's been outdone. Which is why I think he's eventually cracked and removed me. You know the kind of person who replies to a message, ponders on it for ages, then replies again later in a longer, more ranty way? Yeah, he's one of those. So when he started questioning my actions in a very snidey, disingenuous way, he got his energy right back at him.

"You've done this thing that I've done loads, but I don't like your attitude, so I'm removing you" 

But he didn't say that first. He removed me without ever addressing any concerns that he had that apparently go back months. Yup, it's been simmering for months.

The thing that I did was on Monday (I turned off a small feature in our community that barely anyone uses), but he's been stewing on this all week. You could sense it.

But for some reason, despite the fact I don't like the guy, despite the fact I was probably going to quit anyway and despite the fact it's only online rubbish, it's actually made me quite anxious. I don't do confrontation well, even something as inconsequential and impersonal as an internet argument.

I have replied to him, not to ask to be a moderator again but to point out his hypocrisy. I expect a reply, probably with some further accusations (his original one was that I am not a team player) and then be blocked... because he always has to have the last word.

The reality is, I think, he views me as a challenger to his position even though there's literally nothing I can do about it. I don't even want that position. It's like he took every disagreement personally as a direct challenge. You can't deal with people like that.

Who dis?

I was lying in bed this morning, browsing Reddit when I came across this picture: 

It's someone called Ava Moore, but I know nothing more than that other than she looks very pretty and gives me vibes of someone I know, but can't put my finger on.

Satisfaction.

I didn't sleep particularly well last night. I don't know if it was the heat, the back pain or the new bed. Or all three?

I did wake with this phrase going through my head: "Cuddling, kissing, touching. Fucking. Lusty sex... Sleepy sex... Morning sex... Shower sex..."

I don't know if it's word perfect, but I think it's part of a conversation I'd had with someone ages ago. It's probably USHW as I can't think of anyone else I would have that conversation with, unless it was something posted on Reddit, but it feels more personal than that. A conversation with a specific person rather than a post for many people to consume.

But it got me thinking about sex, and in this weather where I'm always more frisky than usual, that's only going to end one way.

Fabtastic.

I came across this picture while browsing Reddit. Obviously, it's a singer though I don't know who. But look at those abs! I'm carrying far too much weight now, but I have serious abs jealousy here.

Oops, I nearly hit "publish" without actually adding the picture.

Woah.

I came across a behind-the-scenes interview with Alison Brie about an old Community episode and I'm still struck with how much I see CH in her. It's the smile (which I've already commented upon, I think), but the hair and some of her mannerisms as well.

Hah!

Years ago, when I was doing the online hobby, I had a reputation of being... a dick. Obviously, that's not my take on it. I'd be analytical, probably to a fault. Some people appreciated it, a lot of people didn't. Egos were bruised when given the slightest criticism.

I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the indignation when I got private messages from them, demanding to know how to increase my rating of their work. I did not, however, do it deliberately. The work was rated according to my own rules within the guidelines of the sites I visited.

And so to today. I'm semi-active on Reddit. A few months ago, someone posted a short story that I described as being off-topic. I rated appropriately and moved on. The author commented a little while later, disagreeing with me.

And today, they posted another link. this time, it wasn't a short story. It was a blog post. And the blog post was 1000 words trying to justify their original posting. The author didn't try to engage with me directly, nor did they try to engage with the community. Nope, they wrote a blog post on their own website that was littered with links to their other work and dressed it up as a muse on creative writing.

And that immediately took me back 20 years to the online hobby days.

If you don't have skin thick enough to take the criticism, don't post your work online. And that'#s an issue I see regularly with content creators these days just spamming Reddit with links to their websites or YouTube.

Funk

Swapping messages with Random Internet Woman is becoming too fiddly on Reddit. She's been desperate to chat with me... to have an actual phone call with me. But I've been reluctant to make that change.

I can't put my finger on one specific reason. I've tended to keep my online life and real life separate, for the most part. There's also this nagging doubt at the back of my mind about how... keen? Is that the right word? About how keen RIW is to maintain contact on a daily basis, despite us only messaging for a few weeks and barely knowing anything about each other.

We've moved to email. My suggestion. But one that she seemed very bemused or frustrated by. I like the conversation with RIW, don't get me wrong, but I've always had reservations. Maybe it's her drive to move the conversation forward, to suggest we have phone calls, to suggest we swap real-life names (I know hers) and a few suggestions that I travel to England... not specifically to see her, though she has suggested (quite seriously I think) that she'd act as a tour guide if I were in her neighborhood.

This evening, I'm in a real funk and it's messing with my head a little. The funk, I think, is just a lot of real-life stuff catching up with me. But... I dunno. It feels different this time, and my mood is all over the place.

Sigh.

The conversation with the random person from Reddit is still going on. I'm still trying to figure out where this will go. Am I likely to share information, like my name? I don't know. I know her name. She has offered her phone number, which I've not taken. She made a comment about me visiting, but that was just a passing comment... until she made it weird. Or did she? I don't know. Sigh. Now I have a dilemma. I was enjoying having an anonymous pen-pal. We've only been "talking" for just over two weeks, albeit a couple of messages per day. I have some pondering to do, I think.

Something to ponder.

The random stranger on Reddit has proposed a challenge of sorts... to walk at least a mile per day in November. Apparently, she used to do something in October every year but has been a bit under the weather this month and hasn't gotten into the challenge this year.

So, I'm thinking that this might not be a bad idea. Gets me out of the house, fresh air and exercise. A mile's not a big thing. A 20-minute walk. Quicker if I push myself.

Out of the blue

For the past few days, I've been having a slow and anonymous conversation with someone who claims to be a woman. It was all due to a comment that I'd made answering the question of the state of my mental health.

I don't think my answer was that bad - I've come out of a tough couple of months but had also been wrestling with something long-term that I've never really properly been able to put my finger on, but on the whole, I was doing OK. So nothing hugely alarming, from my own perspective.

And I got a message from someone asking how I was. And from there, we've had a brief conversation. I think it's fizzled out, but it was fun and interesting while it lasted.

Who nose?

So I came across a thing on Reddit earlier... nose kink. In a previous job, I can genuinely say that I've seen enough (print) porn and erotica that I can safely say that nothing surprises me any more.

A list of images and gifs of attractive women such as Ruuude favourites Morena Baccarin and Abigail Spencer.

Interesting.

Hair we go again.

Someone on Reddit asked why all men want to wash their partner's hair. While I can't say that it's something I aim to do or that it's some kind of turn-on, I have enjoyed it when I've done it.

FA2 was extremely appreciative of it when I did it. However, that was mostly while we were both in the shower.

I do recall an incident with FBS. We'd been painting her living room and generally mucking about. We'd finished, packed up and FBS declared that she needed to wash up.

She insisted that I also needed to wash. I had some paint on my face, she explained.

In her bathroom, she peeled off her t-shirt, standing in front of me in just her bra and jeans. I'm not going to lie, my eyes were drawn to her chest. But having a woman stand before me, semi-naked wasn't as out of the ordinary as you might expect. Nor was my brazen staring at her chest. We'd already slept together at this stage, so I'd seen her naked. We knew there was mutual physical attraction. I didn't have to hide my appreciation of her chest.

Regardless, FBS gave her face a quick wash and then asked me to wash her hair. So I did. But of all the times I've washed a woman's hair, this one always stands out. It felt... still feels... more intimate though I couldn't begin to explain how or why that is. Was it how FBS pressed herself into me as I lathered her hair? Was it simply the fact that sex was a possibility (though ultimately nothing happened)? I don't know, but it is a pleasant memory.

Random guff about life

Part of the Reddit experience, especially in topics around dating, the same topics come up time and again. A lot of them mirror some of the posts I've made on this blog around the online dating frustrations and the toll it has taken on my mental health.

Recently, someone pointed me towards a YouTube channel, where a lot of these topics are covered and it doesn't make for great viewing. It's massively interesting, make no bones about it, but it also doesn't make for particularly positive viewing.

Here are a couple of examples, but if this kind of thing piques your interest, then I'd advise you to go off and watch more from this user. (Disclaimer: I've only watched about 5 videos so far, but they are interesting.)

Overnight.

As part of the conversation on Reddit about female best friends, I posted some of the societal rules that prevented KfW2 and me from seeing more of each other.

We can't do any travelling, for example. Though I could go away with CC without anyone thinking any the less of either of us.

She can't stay over at my house if it's just the two of us. KfW2 has actually said this to me, directly when I offered her a bed for the night when she was in town on another night out, a few years back.

So imagine my surprise when, at KfW2's house early on Saturday morning, she offered me a bed for the evening. Her husband was out with his friend and was unlikely to be back. Given the weather and where KfW2 lives, I thought it was unlikely that I'd actually get a cab, so I took her up on her offer.

But that was surprising. Is this a change of heart or just inconsistent? KfW2 can be inconsistent. She's shown that in the past by offering completely different advice on the same topic within a few weeks.