Heart and soul...

The chorus from a barely remembered song has been floating around my head for the best part of ten years. I couldn't remember the name of the band, I only thought I knew the name of the song and I could remember a snippet of the chorus lyrics and hook and the genre. Even with the advent of the internet and all sorts of related specialist music sites, they were never able to pinpoint the song for me.

I would spend an hour or so a couple of times a year trying to pinpoint the song and always with absolutely no success.

Until last night obviously. You probably saw that coming a mile off. Semi-random browsing around YouTube last night got me on to late 90s rock music and after that, it took about three songs for this unknown number to appear in the related links bit.

Oh, go on, here's the (less cheesy than the version I saw last night) link: Heart and Soul - No Sweat

So...

Pretty much from the outset, today got off to a flying start. KfW2 asked me about how my weekend went, so that gave me a chance to explain about CH's claim that it was her goal to find me a woman. KfW2 didn't seem that surprised. In fact she said that there were plenty of people who had that idea.

I know that I have many female friends (and even my sister) who would love me to meet someone, but apart from CH and more recently KfW2, I can't think of anyone offhand who actually went out of their way to do anything about it. And, thinking back on it, CH didn't get the chance as her friend met someone else (though she wasn't my type really) and I don't think that KfW2 actually tried to set me up with her friend... it just turned out that she liked me as it was (but there are other reasons why that's not a go-er). Oh, and how could I forget GB who kinda tried with CB, but needed constant reminding. Does she count?

However, KfW2 had said that her friends had all been talking about me at a social engagement she was at over the weekend and the subject of my dating situation came up too. I seem to have made a good impression on KfW2's female friends if they're talking about who I can be set up with.

I am notoriously picky though and if there's any pressure at all, I will back off. That's why I've always told anyone that I don't do blind dates and partly why I don't often go on the pull in pubs unless it's obvious the girl in question is interested. Bring mates to the pub and we'll see how we get on, preferably without either of us knowing. That way, there's more chance of something happening, I think.

This was all meant to lead up to a conversation outside of work with KfW2 as I am more comfortable doing it that way, but I don't know if that's going to happen this week. If it does, then great, but I will probably try to talk more on this subject in general.

Coincidence.

I was out with G last night - he's in town for a few days. We met at one of my favourite pubs and generally had a blast, talking about all manner of things. I can't remember exactly how we got onto the subject, but I was telling him about how SSCW and I spark off each other, about her almost big sister type of relationship and her often brutal statements.

Lo and behold, who did we bump into later that night. SSCW of course. This was a complete surprise because SSCW lives out of town, has a family and doesn't often come out to pubs. I managed to introduce her to G and we had a pleasant chat. The funny thing was that SSCW managed to confirm pretty much everything that I'd said about her earlier, much to G's amusement. It was nice seeing her outside of work though - I'd often said to her in the past it was a shame that she didn't do it more often, but she's kinda weird in keeping her work and personal life separate, even though she genuinely cares about the people in work she would call her friends.

It was a late night and I've been burning the candle at both ends since Thursday, so today is going to be a struggle and I'm hoping that I'm going to get some proper sleep tonight.

Food for thought.

While we were out on Friday night, GM said something in conversation - as I was more than a little tipsy at this stage, I can't remember the details but somewhere in the middle of the CB conversation, GM said that he sees me getting with a girl like CH or KfW2 off the back of how he sees me interact with them.

That's not really that surprising  - KfW2 and I are very close and I am comfortable in her company. But CH and KfW2 are different, personality-wise. CH and I have a different dynamic with a bit of a sexual spark going on there and I guess ideally, a combination of both of those relationships would be ideal.

It kinda made me think as well about the question that CH asked on Friday about what I want in a girl. Physically, it's pretty easy to identify what my ideal woman would be - KfW2 or Catherine Bell or Jessica Alba or Jennifer Connelly - I'm a huge fan of brunettes. I don't think I've ever sat down and given proper thought to the non-physical attributes though.

Talky bits.

My planned chats with KfW2 over the past few days never materialised due to various factors, but mainly not getting the time with her. Our planned lunch meeting was cancelled and she changed her mind about her attendance at the work thing, though off the back of that she promised that we would do drinks next week. If that goes ahead then that should give me the opportunity to have the chat that I want.

CH did show up to the work thing despite her intention earlier in the week that she wouldn't be able to make it, though she was only out for a few hours and left just as things really started to get fun. She did say, though, that she was going to make it a goal of hers to find me a woman before the end of the year. We started talking about my preferences, but got sidetracked onto other topics of conversation. When we did manage to get back onto the subject later, I did manage to say, rather clumsily, that MFF's friend CB ticked a lot of boxes.

Later, I managed to reiterate to GM about the whole CB thing, though by this stage I was pretty drunk and have no idea if I was even making any sense.

So, the CB is kinda out in the open now with CH and GM at least - I've no idea if anything will ever come of it, but that's secondary really. I still want to talk to both KfW2 and QC2 about all sorts of things, but I've not heard from QC2 in a few weeks despite texting to arrange a night out.

And so it all begins...

We're in the middle of a discussion with our landlord about an outstanding bill. As far as we're concerned, our lease specifically states that he is responsible for it, but he is claiming that the law says otherwise and over-rides those particular terms of the lease.

He's obviously done a bit of homework on this because there's nothing concrete out there to categorically state either way who is correct, but that obviously means that no-one is completely incorrect either.

As usual, UF is trying to be the fount of all knowledge when it's not his area of expertise and is already making declarations of intent. As much as I completely disagree with how the landlord has handled things (text messages and the actual outstanding bill rather than telling us upfront), the fact remains that he could be correct. If that's the case, that would push the cost of living here to a point where I would have to consider looking elsewhere, and I know that MfW, who's extremely tight with money, is already considering it.

It's just more stress when I don't need it really.

An unexpected blast from the past.

Years ago, for reasons I can't actually remember, F and I were having a conversation, probably about my uselessness with the female of the species. I seem to recall that I'd spoken about E's explanation and subsequent demonstration of her body language reading skills and how impressed I was.

F offered an opinion that was semi-related to this about hugs. If a girl comes in with a hug with her arms high i.e. around a bloke's neck, then that was favourable. Lower arms were unfavourable. I seem to remember disagreeing with her on this one - at the time I could never remember ever having a girl hug me with "low" arms.

Having just left KfW2, where she's on her way to the pub, the conversation with F came to mind, quite unexpectedly. KfW2 = high arms. I still can't remember ever going into a hug with a girl with "low arms".

*sigh*

Already, the weekend plans that were due to include KfW2 and CH are looking shaky. CH's daughter has taken ill and she obviously wants to spend time with her as it's unlikely she will have recovered by then, though she has said that she might come along for an hour or so, but stay sober.

KfW2 has hinted at something similar involving her son, though this is more of a decision than an emergency.

This wouldn't be the first time that both women were meant to go to the pub with me, but have cried off. I kind of understand, or I do as much as I am able not having any kids of my own, but  that doesn't make me feel any better. The last time it happened, the night out turned out to be a complete anti-climax. There is less chance of that happening this time around, but once again, I feel kinda let down, even though this is beyond CH's control.

Like a dog with a bone...

It's human nature, but when MfW needs something done, he's extremely insistent. I've had three texts off him today already and he's IMed me about a housing thing.

Bearing in mind we should have had discussions about housing things in general from as early as about six weeks ago, it's amusing (and just a little annoying) that he has the bit between his teeth about this one thing, but he's not pro-active about any of the rest of it. Or that, when it comes to paying the bills, he needs constant reminding, even for the smallest, regular amounts.

Fail! (Part 1)

I met with KfW2 today and had hoped to talk with her about GB/CB, but instead I found myself having to convince her, yet again, that I had enjoyed myself on a recent trip away.

I've mentioned old confidence issues before, and I haven't managed to banish these completely as yet, so when presented with lots of new people to talk to, tend to withdraw.

KfW2 mentioned this again today and confused my quietness with a bad mood when it wasn't the case at all.

It was the catalyst for a good conversation we had while away, but I had thought that we had put that to bed and that we could move on, but seemingly not so.

While I am disappointed, it's not the end of the world - potentially we might see each other tomorrow night, outside of work, as she's due to see CC. We've already agreed to meet for lunch on Thursday and if that still fails, then there's a work thing this coming weekend that we should both be attending.

Another emotional rollercoaster ride.

I thought that sorting my head out a few weeks ago regarding the KfW2 thing meant that I could relax a little. While I wouldn't say that I came away from the week's holiday unhappy, I have identified things in my life that I would like to change. Some of them are major, not all of them are quick fixes and not all of them are entirely in my control, but that was fine, I was going to deal with that and had planned to sit down at the start of August and put together some kind of grand plan.

The recent, sudden death of my friend still hasn't sunk in fully. I don't think it truly will for another few weeks when I envisage the work troubles raising their head again and as he was my sounding board for any work-related issues, there will be a void when I need one again.

I keep bouncing between missing my friend and the sense of sadness and loss that comes with that (plus some dread about the near future, work-wise) and a vague sense of optimism, mostly generated by recent conversations with S, GM and CH and upcoming conversations with KfW2 and QC2 (and also a bit of confidence in moving these conversations onto subjects I want to discuss).

I've yet to hear back from QC2 having sent her a text on Wednesday about meeting this upcoming week for drinks, but hopefully she'll be in touch. KfW2 has already offered to take me out soon, which I'm looking forward to immensely, and the privacy of not talking in work means I can have the conversation that I want.

Cheers! Cheers?

I had an impromptu night out with S on Friday, arranged over a few pints with KfW2 and S, to remember our friend. I say "night out" but really, it was just sitting in S's back garden, chilling and having a few drinks. We did arrange to go out properly last night though.

I mentioned this to MfW and he was keen enough to come out with us. Somewhat inevitably, when I contacted S to confirm details, he'd changed his mind. I text MfW to let him know and he'd already gone to the pub with UF. I said that I'd try and catch up with them later.

A couple of hours later, I got a text from MfW telling me they were moving on to another pub, one that I don't like as it's full of pretentious wankers and the bar staff are appalling. I replied, telling him that I didn't fancy that pub and would give it a miss.

S then got in contact saying that he'd changed his mind yet again and that they were heading out.I arranged to meet up with them at one of my favourite bars. When I arrived, who else should be there but MfW and UF? MfW was annoyed that I'd come out for some reason, but he seemed to get into a better mood quite quickly.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was angry that MfW and UF had gone out with even inviting me - it's unlikely that I would have gone with them initially - but it has happened a few times before. UF is due to move on soon and I'm hoping that his replacement will be a better housemate and perhaps friend.

Here we go again...

I was talking to CH in work a few days ago and we'd gotten onto the subject of dating - specifically my past girlfriends. CH was very amused by this, though she tried to explain, I didn't really get why, but it was something to do with not being able to imagine me "settling down". Once we got around that and onto my current relationship status, she said that I'd have to sign up to a dating site after I said that I was open to meeting new people.

Both CH and her friend questioned why I was single. I looked both girls straight in the eye and said "it's because no-one is good enough for me". It was said in jest, but the two of them took it seriously, so while they were asking questions, I was laughing.

CH (and her friend) should know by now that sometimes you can't expect a serious answer from me. They're always shocked when I say something ridiculous though.

That's both SSCW and CH who have decided I should try online dating within the past few weeks...

Untitled.

The night out with S went better, conversationally, than I had anticipated. We talked around a few subjects and I was able to mention without any witticisms from S the things I wanted to get off my chest.

The evening did end on a sour note when we learned about a mutual friend who had been involved in a road traffic accident, which is something I'm still coming to terms with.

Surprise!

While I am absolutely knackered, I've managed to make last-minute arrangements to meet S for a few drinks tonight. Nights out with S can go one of two ways - either he'll make no sense at all and just spout rubbish or he might actually decide to have a proper conversation.

I don't really care either way - I just want out of the house for a couple of hours.

One down, two to go.

Despite a few concerns yesterday afternoon about cancelling, GM and myself ended up having a few beers and a general chat that lasted well into the early hours of the morning.

We talked about lots of things and GM actually asked, without any prompting, about CB. I was able to say that while some progress had been made in that MFF was aware that I liked CB, I didn't know where it had gone from there. I also said that I was pretty angry with GB because it shouldn't have taken two months for GB to pass on the information to MFF and also because I am now in limbo - if I see CB in the pub (which is likely because we drink in the same pubs), I can't approach her because I don't know if she knows I am interested or not. I didn't say this last night, but closure in some shape or form would be nice.

We got back onto a topic that we'd had before regarding finding icebreakers to talk to girls - I didn't have one for CB before, but now I do - mutual friends. We also re-visited the whole knowing within a short space of time how you want something to go with a girl - is it just an hour's worth of banter? A one night stand? Dating?

I reiterated to GM that CB was the only girl in a long time where I'd want to date and see where it goes, even just on the basis of seeing her in the pub and physical attrction. There have been plenty of others over the past year or so that fall into the other categories, but a "dating girl" rarely crosses my path.

I had also hoped that I'd be able to talk GM into going along to singles event or speed dating for some laughs, but he confided in me that he was having another go with a girl he dated for a few months last year (an absolutely stunning blonde who is possibly the most high maintenance woman I've ever known).

I don't know if GM will pass any of the CB-related chat on to GB. I don't know if it would do any good even if he did, but I'm due to meet him this week for a quick drink, so I might say that our conversation, CB-wise, isn't a secret or anything.

So, that's one down. KfW2 and QC2 conversation still to have.

Feeling groovy.

With tentative plans put in place about chatting to GM over the next few days and a very definite plan about having a conversation with KfW2 when she returns, I'm actually pretty optimistic about getting at least one area of my life off my chest.

The GM conversation is just general at the moment, but I am sure there's tonnes we can cover. I have to be careful though because GM and GB are very good friends, so if I get a chance to complain about the whole CB incident, I don't want to go overboard in my criticism.

With KfW2, there's a definite topic, related to my relationship status that I think KfW2 will want to follow up on. When that conversation happens, then I can branch out to CB/my general relationship unhappiness etc.

And while I remember, I think I'm due to be meeting QC2 within the next few weeks, so after a barren spell with getting friends out, it looks like the rest of the month might actually be quite productive.

Cheers!

I tried, once again, to get GM and S, amongst others, out for a few drinks over the weekend. GM once again pleaded poverty. He apologised, and recognised that he'd made that excuse a lot recently and that he was disappointed that we hadn't had a proper chat in ages. He said that he'd gladly come out ,but he wouldn't be drinking and S made excuses about sitting in the house and not wanting to leave.

I suggested to GM that instead of heading out, I'd grab a few drinks from Tesco and head over to his instead, keeping it low cost and low key. He was very receptive to this suggestion, so that's the plan for Saturday night. S might also make an appearance, but GM is the man I really want to talk to. I hope it pans out, especially seeing as my night out with FP last night also fell by the wayside.

In apropos of nothing.

Ever since my sister met KfW2 a few months ago, she's made a few comments about me bringing someone like that home.

In fact, she made a point of asking if KfW2 was single and suggested that we'd be a great match.

I know that my sister has her moments every now and again where she will make comments about me meeting someone rather than anything else. However, I don't ever recall her being that vocal or positive or direct  about any of my other close female friends/past girlfriends - E, QC2, FA2 etc.

Nothing more to say, really, just an interesting titbit of information I wanted to share.

Huh?

Ironically, having been away for a week where there were quite a few sexy women in swimsuits (including KfW2 who fills a bikini astonishingly well), there wasn't a big reaction from me. Well, apart from the first appearance of KfW2 in a black bikini. My jaw genuinely dropped.

However, sitting beside CH today as she lay back this afternoon on a patch of grass near work for some lunchtime sunbathing, and suddenly I get horny.

Go figure.

Que sera sera.

I don't know how much I've posted before about pre-friendship KfW2. She was someone known to me as we had worked in the same department for a few years, though not in the same team. I think I have said that, physically, she's pretty much my perfect girl. So, I did have a little crush on her, but I never knew her well enough to talk to her or anything.

After the FBS fling (she was a co-worker in the same department but not the same team) and the fact everyone wanted to get involved when FBS and I didn't work out the way everyone wanted, I've kinda avoided dating co-workers. That's not been an issue as I don't recall having strong romantic/sexual feelings for anyone I've worked with bar QC2.

As an aside, there'd always been a theory from the guys in work that KfW2's initial meetup with her now husband was a setup. KfW2 and the guy were long time, though now distant, friends through an ex-boyfriend of KfW2. KfW2 had recently broken up with her previous boyfriend and was in a little bit of a dark place. At the time, I was completely unaware of this as she had kept this from everyone at work. Seemingly, from the first time they met again (he arrived with lots of alcohol), they hit it off instantly and have been together ever since. The theory that the guys in work had formed was that the guy had been carrying a torch for her for a long time, arrived with enough alcohol to get her drunk and maybe make a move. I seem to recall this was suggested to her at a night out by someone else and was vehemently denied, but we weren't convinced that KfW2 would even know if it were true and the theory hasn't gone away.

Why the preamble? Well, since the first seeds were sown in my friendship with KfW2, I've always been aware that it hasn't been 100% platonic from my angle. There was even a point, just after she'd met her now husband, where I was having serious concerns about which way my feelings were going to go (apart from the obvious physical traits, she ticks a lot of the other boxes in terms of non-physical attributes too) and included a few "what if" moments such as if I'd met KfW2 a few weeks earlier, it's likely she'd have opened up to me regarding the breakup and wouldn't have been in as much of a dark place (i.e. less vulnerable) and who knows how things would have turned out. I can't remember if I posted about it here on BN or if it was just a conversation I'd had with USHW though. Beyond that initial blip, that non-platonic part has always been tucked away in its own little "not to be opened" box and I'd thought nothing of it... until last week.

It's safe to say that for a good few days, I was in emotional turmoil. Part of it was the re-surfacing of the ambiguous feelings and part of it was a sense of disappointment that I have definitely touched upon before. To explain the second point first, KfW2 has already hinted that she wants a family with her husband. I think they'll be trying sooner rather than later and the odd night out I currently get with her, where I really enjoy our conversations, will sadly go away. I know it's not the end of the friendship or anything just because she wants a family, but I'm resistant to change, especially when the nights out are an important part of our friendship and with the recent issues with getting friends out, this is something that's been on my mind recently. I had considered that the disappointment was rather a selfish emotion to have, but USHW has assured me that it's natural to feel that way, that things will change though not necessarily for the worst.

I was also in a panic about the ambiguous romantic-or-not feelings. The whole unrequited/never-going-to-happen thing is such a mind fuck that it's worth avoiding where possible. However, this time it was much stronger than before - the confusion - not the feelings themselves, though they might have been. I woke up in a blind panic the night after our close conversation and couldn't get back to sleep. I spent the next few days walking around in a semi-daze, listening to music solidly and trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I know it's not a crime to have feelings for someone, but common sense will tell you that sometimes you should avoid it if you can.

I went through something similar with QC2 and that was pure hell, though slightly differently, we were friends first before I developed the romantic thoughts whereas with KfW2, there was already an element of something non-platonic. My friendship with KfW2 is something I didn't want to have to abandon just because I was stupid enough to develop other feelings for her and that itself was a cause for concern.

The whole soul searching was ultimately meaningless - I don't know that you can rationalise away feelings just by considering whether or not you should be having them, but I guess it kinda helped put the time away. When push came to shove, on the day of the wedding, it became clear that it was probably just a last minute panic. I felt nothing untoward during the ceremony and, if anything, came away feeling really positive and wishing KfW2 and the now husband nothing but the best for the future. I still do.

There is still a little box of non-platonic emotions being kept in the corner and it'll hopefully stay there until it slowly fades.

Sometimes a little talk goes a long way.

Despite my relative self-confidence now, it's only a recent development in my adult life. Until around a dozen years ago, it's safe to say that I had real problems with shyness. It was an ongoing concern when I was in a relationship with FA2 as she had lots of friends and family she wanted me to meet, often at large parties, less so with other girlfriends because those didn't last long enough to get into all that. Any time I have to meet new people, especially in larger groups, I can withdraw quite a bit, be quiet, not as forthcoming as when I am comfortable.

You can imagine, then, that going on holiday with thirty-odd strangers just for KfW2's wedding wasn't going to be my idea of a great time. I thought I had done a good job of hiding it, but a day or so into the holiday, KfW2 managed to spare a few minutes and we had a chat. As it happened, I was also trying to get her isolated so I could have a chat because I had my own concerns about her being stressed and not in a terribly good mood.

I pretty much just admitted the truth - the heat was playing its part, but the majority of it was that I was adjusting to the group, trying to get to know them, but at the same time, kind of keeping my distance until I got to know them better as I am useless at remembering names. A lot of the younger segment of the group are a very close bunch of friends that have known each other for well over fifteen years and while everyone was very welcoming, I was still very intimidated by them initially. I've told KfW2 in the past about my almost crippling shyness in my younger days, but I don't know that she believed it... until this conversation. I even expanded on that and confessed that the reason I hadn't gone on the stag weekend was that there were too many strangers to meet at once without any kind of backup. She seemed a little surprised by that revelation, but not angry as I had half-suspected, which helped.

KfW2 admitted herself that she could be like that with new people, though to see her around her guests for the entire week, you'd never guess as her social skills are amazing.

I asked her about the stress. I knew that there had already been times on holiday when she wasn't in very good form and I asked about those too, offering to help where I could in the wedding preparations. She was touched by this and explained that not a lot of people had noticed her bad form. She unburdened a few of her problems and promised me to secrecy (which she knows isn't an issue as I am a difficult man to get information out of at the best of times).

She then made a comment that kinda took me by surprise. She first said that she thought we were very much alike - I don't know if that's strictly true - then followed it up by stating that despite initial impressions, I am really a sensitive soul. Again, I don't know if that's strictly true, but I don't know that I'm a good judge of my own character.

It wasn't a long conversation, probably no more than about an hour, but it's exactly the kind of conversation I hope to have when I try to get KfW2 or QC2 out for a drink, alone. I also feel that it's made us closer and I hope that this can make me be just a little more open with KfW2 about whatever problems have me preoccupied rather than rely on posting here or unloading to USHW. I know that KfW2 values my friendship, though until recently, I was probably guilty of not realising how much, but I think our friendship took another step forward off the back of the conversation and I think she felt the same. Our hug goodbye was just a little tighter and lasted just a little longer than usual.

Forever alone

I wasn't going to post anything until I'd gathered all my thoughts from last week (which is a fair old task, let me tell you), but I was chatting with SSCW today and she was berating me about being single. It's her usual mantra - I think she believes everyone in the world should be coupled up.

I explained that I can go for months without even thinking about it or that there are times when it does bother me, but she didn't seem to believe me and demanded that I join match.com. I didn't tell her that I'd already tried it and found that online dating isn't for me (in fact, bar you, dear readers, USHW and DSC, no-one knows I gave it a couple of chances).

However, given what has transpired over the past week or so plus a couple of unofficial kind of anniversaries and the whole GB/CB thing which has resurfaced (again, to be explained in a later post), I find myself sitting here contemplating it again, even though I know that it will really dent my confidence.

I've tentatively arranged a night out with FP in a few days, which should be good. The last time I did a midweek thing with FP around this time of year, I met RB at the bar (and that's five years ago!) I'd take a repeat of that right now, mind you.

A quick digest/roundup.

There's a lot I need to get off my chest regarding the past week, but I don't think it can be done in a short post (or even one long one), but there are some things that I can jot down in point form that I may expand upon later:

CC continued her lazy streak and possibly went above and beyond. Claiming a sun lounger on the first day, she pretty much didn't move for the entire week, and even had the cheek to ask other people to do little errands for her instead of making the 10 minute walk to the shop herself.

I can't lie in the sun for any more than an hour or so without getting very bored and needing to go somewhere.

I have an amazing ability to underestimate (note, not undervalue) my friendships.

I think that my funk, that's been pretty constant for the past few months, goes a lot deeper than I originally thought.

KfW2 looked stunning in a plain black bikini.

Based on a few photos I've seen from my holiday, I need to stop mucking around and get myself in shape.

The new Man of Steel soundtrack by Hans Zimmer is amazing.

KfW2 is a much better friend than GB.

More than ever, I would love to meet someone. I tend to feel this way around weddings that I have to attend, so this is no surprise given my friendship with KfW2.

I'm sure I've missed a few bits and pieces, but no doubt these will be picked up as I expand on the points above or post about other things that have been on my mind over recent days.

Sometimes...

I don't normally repost those annoying motivational messages that appear to clog up Facebook and the like, but I have been a long-time follower of PostSecret and this recent one caught my eye. It's very appropriate given my recent complaints about my friends.

If you haven't already, please go and take a look at PostSecret because whatever's going wrong in my world really doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things when others suffer much, much more than I do.