Happy stalking.

I know that I've spoken here about my confidence and privacy issues and I've also made mention on occasion about my concerns about the fact that part of me still hopes to meet/get introduced to CB, but there's a guy in work who makes me look well adjusted.

Almost on a daily basis, he "stalks" a girl's Instagram account. She's very pretty and a bit of a gym bunny (I wish I had her motivation) and he does this in front of everyone. It can't be healthy.

I suspect that he has no shortage of offers and he's hinted vaguely at the fact that there has been more than one girl who's asked him to call round for a booty call off his Tinder experiences. Obviously I'm jealous in that respect.

But it's the constant stalking that concerns me. I've mentioned it to him. I don't know if we'd be classified as friends, but I do feel that there's more to it than simply a running gag and a cheeky wink.

Planning (cont'd)

The good news is that GM hasn't ruled out something on Friday night. I'd even go so far as to say that he actually wants to go out, but he's still keeping a close eye on his finances. S has kinda changed his mind and turned my invite back on me, though he implies that fancy dress is not optional if I go out with him.

The reason he's invited me along is related to something that I've mentioned before - he cannot see things changing with his friends. He had made a big thing a bout Friday night and didn't realise that because it was Hallowe'en, that people with children might want to stay in and have some family fun. As such, numbers for his night out are, at best, half of what he'd hoped. So he invited me and GM along to make up for the drop outs.

Regardless... it still took S's invite and a follow-up comment by me to prise a reply out of GM. Things aren't totally ruined yet and are looking better than they did a few days ago, but Friday could be rescued yet!

Ho hum.

A few weeks ago, CH was very gushing about our friendship and specifically, how quickly I earned her trust and how much she values my advice when asked for. Admittedly, she was a little drunk, but I don't think that she was means she didn't mean what she said.

Subsequently, she cancelled a night out and I've been the one driving meeting for coffee etc. with mixed results.

Over the past month or so, I've been wanting to sit down with her and talk about my current unhappiness, partly because she's my friend and partly because her lack of reliability is feeding it. It's hard to get her on her own though. She has two close female friends that are almost constantly at her side, plus I don't really want to have a personal conversation in work. I feel the same way about KfW2 and often take her to lunch or our for a drink when I need to chat.

CH sometimes seems to shy away from anything that might build upon our friendship and it's something I simply can't read or understand about her. Serious conversations are allowed, but anything personal seems to be a no-go area. I was hoping to get a chance to day to either set something up or actually have the conversation, but that was scuppered by a lack of availability at lunchtime and a third party joining us at coffee.

Sigh.

Planning.

Over the past few months, GM has stopped being reliable in replying to emails. It used to be when a social thing was suggested, he'd agree to come out or he would decline. No big deal. What he's started doing now though is simply not replying.

I sent an email at the start of the week suggesting a night out on Friday. You can't beat a few drinks on Hallowe'en night when there's lots of fancy dress going on.

S replied almost instantly and declined the invite, unsurprisingly. He and his friends have always gone out in full fancy dress, so it wasn't a surprise that he would already have made arrangements.

GM hasn't said a word though. I know it's only Tuesday and he might still reply, but I don't want to be hitting quitting time on Friday still in the dark about what might be going on. At least if I know, one way or the other, I can make suitable arrangements.

It also feeds into my current unhappiness about being single. GM's social activity isn't linked directly to my relationship status, but having someone be unreliable, as CH was recently, feeds into the feeling of loneliness, which feeds into the current unhappiness.

The case of the curious Tinder Incident in the Morning time.

My only regular activity that could be called online dating in any kind of shape or form these days is Tinder, which I still have installed on my phone after the online dating adventure earlier this year. It can be quite depressing given that I've had it on my phone for probably about six months now and have had two matches and neither of those came to anything (or were really grabbing my attention to begin with), but I can't seem to delete it...

I was browsing this morning and a girl from my work popped up on it. She's attractive, brunette and has a nice figure. She's also married, as far as I can remember. We have a few friends in common, including CH and KfW2 soI sent a text to CH earlier, asking if she was in a relationship.

CH replied and told me that the girl from work was married with children and asked why I had posed that particular question. I spilled the Tinder story. She's been awfully defensive since then.

"It must be someone else"
"She wouldn't do it."
"She's happily married."

Personally, it doesn't matter to me. There could be a totally innocent reason for her to be on Tinder, or there could be other reasons that means she is actively looking outside of her marriage. I really don't care and I wasn't judging, but CH is really making sure that I know there's nothing untoward going on.

Planning ahead.

Party season is approaching. Arguably, for me, it starts next Friday with our work's Hallowe'en fancy dress party. I don't do fancy dress. It's not a snobbish thing. It's just a self-confidence thing. I'll pop along for a while and see what's happening but both KfW2 and CH are definitely not going.

I already have at least one thing planned for every weekend in November including a night out with both KfW2 and CH and no-one else, and after that, it's December. That's still to be arranged, but we at least have the work's Christmas event.

I've already started thinking about New Year's Eve. I'm gonna raise the subject with GM in November and see if I can't at least get an acknowledgement this year. We're the only two without a reliable group of friends, so we should both be looking for company for that night. I already know what I want to do this year - the same thing (bar) that I wanted to do last year, but in reality, if I can get GM out, then it doesn't really matter. With any luck, a bit of notice and some persuasion should sort that out. GB won't be about, unless MF decides to come out, but that might be a battle to get her to see my point of view.

WTF?

I've just put some washing on and discovered that one of my new housemates has done a winter wash. That's six woolly hats and at least four scarves. SIX hats?

I'm going for the younger of the two, not the guy who's my age.

A brief adventure in online dating.

I've long given up on online dating... the times that I've tried it have really dented my self-confidence and I'm still in a bit of a funk regarding my "adventures" earlier this year. Imagine my surprise when I was looking through one of my rarely-touched Gmail accounts and saw emails from OK Cupid.

I can barely remember opening the account, so it's no surprised that it seemed to get overlooked when I was shutting down all the rest of my online accounts.

The most recent intrigued me though. "Someone has added you as a favourite!" it proclaimed. Now, I have already posted here about the "quality" of women in my catchment area, so I wasn't expecting much.

I spent a while pondering whether or not to sign into the OK Cupid account to see who it was. Part of me was inquisitive, part of me didn't want to open a can of worms regarding online dating again. Eventually, I succumbed.

And I'm kinda glad that I did! She was very pretty, my age, physically she ticked a lot of boxes and seemed generally interesting. She's easily the most promising woman I've seen since CB. Ooooh. But I've given up on online dating. But she's cute! And she's marked me as a favourite!

Sod it, I thought and mentally started composing a reply until my eye was drawn to her details. she doesn't live near me. She doesn't even live in the same country as I do. In fact, she doesn't even live in the same continent. Bollocks.

I bemoaned this fact to USHW who suggested that the girl in question has a similar looking going on to someone I know, but she was unable to put her finger on. E, perhaps, but she's unsure. She also suggested that I move somewhere with a better quality of singleton.

I said that I might message her anyway, just for a laugh. USHW encouraged me to do it.

"You never know where it might go" was her take on it.

So I popped off a quick message. I wasn't expecting to hear anything, especially as she logged in pretty much as soon as I sent the message and no replay was forthcoming.

There was, though, a reply this morning. Friendly, but brief and not really inviting any further communication.

I really should close down that OK Cupid account though. The standard of local singletons really hasn't improved.

Staying in.

Tonight was the night that I should have been out with CH and our mutual acquaintance. Part of me is glad that I'm not - I'm very tired today, plus the weather here has been appalling for the past 48 hours. It's blowing a gale and the rain is thundering down. I don't know that I would have been in the best for for it (but you never know...)

That doesn't mean I'm not still disappointed that it isn't happening. I was speaking to KfW2 yesterday and we were comparing our crap friends. I'd told her about CH and she had been sympathetic. It's not just about CH though. Sometimes I feel that I expect far too much from my friends, even if that is simply expecting them to mostly turn up to arranged events that they'd agreed to. And also part of that is the fact that my friends, in general, tend to let me down a lot more than I feel that I let them down.

However, that's by the by. Yesterday was very  much a good day. I spent a good few hours with KfW2, chatting and catching up and then spent a good few hours in the company of M and MM. MMBF was mentioned, but just in passing after a night out we'd all had a few weeks ago and with regards some drama that's going on in her personal life. I've tentatively pencilled in a night with M in a few weeks as well.

A quiet weekend beckons, but I'm kinda looking forward to chilling and just watching some TV and films.

Hmph.

Last week I asked CH to do me a favour, so we met in the lobby at lunchtime and went shopping. That was the favour - I wanted a second opinion on something I was buying. Prior to leaving, I sat on the sofa beside her and gave her a quick hug. I don't know why... I'm not usually this kind of tactile in work, but I did it anyway.

"Someone will talk!" she said.

There was no-one about, but was interesting given a conversation that USHW and I have been having on and off recently.

I then met CH for a late afternoon tea-break and, even sober and while she was in work clothes, I found myself wanting to have sex with her more than I have, ever. It's not even that CH was doing anything untoward to create these feelings of mine - she was simply sitting with her legs crossed at an angle that showed off her impressive curves while she was talking to me and an acquaintance.

Part (possibly most) of it is undoubtedly my own funk on being single... it's something that's been building pretty constantly, in the background, since I saw CB in the pub about twenty months ago and all the related failures since then. It's been an age since I last had sex or even met anyone where the possibility was there. It's a double frustration: I really do want to meet someone for something long-term... but there's a physical need that needs satisfied as well.

Wow!

I saw a mention of this lady today. I've never heard of her before, but wow!

Lucy Verasamy, an ITV weather girl.

Communication breakdown.

One of the main topics of conversation I have with USHW is my communication problems. I've also posted here on numerous occasions about how I want to be able to talk to people - KfW2, QC2, CH etc. but I often don't do it because a related topic never comes up in the conversation and I don't have the confidence or skills to manage the conversation. I say "confidence" but I think it's that I tell myself that they don't want to hear whatever is troubling me. Deep down, I know that's not true, but during the face to face chats I have with various people, that's how I feel.

While I don't like raising the subjects myself, I've often said that I'll pretty much answer ANY question. And I will, regardless of subject. It takes a lot to offend me.

I don't have this issue online. If I'm talking to USHW, R, E, F etc. or posting here, then these concerns never arise. I don't know why it's easier for me to communicate and share from behind a keyboard and screen than it is in actual, real-life contact. Sometimes, my theory is that it's habit. Since I started university and found out about IRC chatrooms, I've made a lot of friends online. I've had online-only hobbies and been a member of numerous forums. All of these have meant keyboard and mouse communication to begin with. When I eventually met some of these people online, the ice had been broken, secrets shared and it was natural to carry on, face to face.

It's also habit with regards to my family... we've never been close and never really shared too much, emotionally. I was a slow starter in the world, so even during my formative years, there was little to talk about (plus there's an unanswered question about possible autism). I don't recall, for example, my sister asking too many questions about my personal life. The closest we got was my breakup with FA2 which hit me pretty hard at the time, though I was well into my twenties at the time.

There was dating, puberty and all that, but nothing serious until I was well into my twenties. So, even now, it's not something that's natural to me. I know that I want to do it. I know that it's healthy to do it, but often, when it comes to the crunch, I don't take the opportunities when they're presented to me, and then regret that afterwards. That's something I really do need to change about myself.

Sigh.

I'm feeling tired, a little depressed, disappointed and very lonely right now.

I was tagged in a post about eleven hours ago on Facebook by CH. In it, she suggested a night out, possibly with KfW2. I didn't see this until I met with CH for coffee this morning at ten o'clock and she told me about it. The reason for the suggestion? She can't make it next week. Plans that have been in motion already for nearly three weeks and she still can't put aside time because of yet another emergency, this time robbing her of money rather than availability.

I was looking forward to that night out for a number of reasons, but the main one was to talk about my relationship status. CH has often asked and commented on it, but we've never really had a proper conversation about it and most times it's been mentioned have been while we were in work - somewhere I don't like having personal conversations.

We'd kinda already started talking about it - I had already suggested, semi-seriously, that CH and the mutual acquaintance's job that night was to find me a woman, so we were already heading down the road to having that conversation. Right now, I feel the need to fill her in on the past eighteen months - GB, CB and MFF for starters, but also online dating and KfW2's lack of understanding, because it's all led to me being very unhappy right now with that aspect of my life. While social nights out aren't intrinsically tied to my relationship status, being let down, regardless of the notice period, does add to the loneliness. This isn't just a CH thing either - GM's recent distance etc. has all fed into this. And it's the one over-riding emotion I'm feeling today, more so than anger or disappointment or sadness.

I sent her a message after afternoon coffee and told her that we should go out for lunch next week. I want to have this conversation with CH, but I can't have it in work and I think we need more than a fifteen minute coffee break to do it justice. As of my leaving work this afternoon, she hadn't replied, so I don't know where this is going to go.

Here we go again.

It was our monthly work night out on Friday night and it was a good night, even if most of my usual acquaintances didn't turn up. I did my usual semi-flirting with JB with liberal doses of cheek and boundary pushing. I'm surprised she doesn't slap me to be honest. Fun aside, I called it quits at a sensible time and headed home.

I have a night out with CH and a mutual acquaintance in a few weeks that I am really looking forward to. There's also an option to invite MFF out as she knows everyone else who's going out, in fact she's good friends with CH and our mutual acquaintance.

I'm being selfish though. The idea of inviting MFF out is purely to see if we can talk about CB, rather than enjoy her company directly.

Regardless of who goes out, I can definitely see CH talking about my relationship status. If MFF is out, then that could easily segue into a conversation about CB (she's still the last person I've seen whilst out and about who really made an impression on me).

USHW doesn't think it will pan out that way and she might have a point. I still have issues in steering conversations the way I want them to go and it always feels awkward to me to be more direct in nudging a conversation the way I want.

The choice seems to be either to invite MFF and hopefully move the CB forward or to finally lay it to rest or not to invite MFF and enjoy the drunken flirting that CH seems to indulge in (the reason it's a choice is that I don't think she'd ever do it in front of her friends).

The relationship status unhappiness is almost constant these days, from being something that only came about a couple of times per year and I'm very much looking for a long-term rather than short-term solution.