yay.

We have a work night out tomorrow. KfW2 can't make it, but it'll be a good crowd. KfW2 is disappointed - she was really looking forward to it, but she has other things going on.

Quiet Girl is going - it'll be really interesting seeing her in a social gathering. I have a sneaky suspicion that she doesn't drink, but I also didn't think she used bad language until a few weeks ago.

I'm disappointed that KfW2 is not going (though, again, even if she were, it wouldn't be a replacement for my long-planned night out).

I'm looking forward to it myself.

Wot a scorcher!

The weather's glorious here, and has been for the past few days. Good weather always puts me in a better mood, but at the same time, I'm stuck in an office being unhappy.

Sadly, with some major deadlines approaching, I can't take any time off. In my current condition - tired, mentally exhausted, stressed, unhappy etc. I could really do with a few days off...

Still, let's hope that it's decent enough in a few weeks... and I have a full week already booked for around the start of July.

Surprise.

I admitted to KfW2 this morning that I was in a bad place over the past few weeks. Of course, with it being me, I didn't come right out and say it, but I did tell her that I'd been having trouble sleeping, that I was out of sorts, mentally, and that it was bothering me because there had been more than a couple of days where it had been difficult getting out of bed.

She was sympathetic, though in a dismissive kinda way. That sounds harsher than it was. She did empathise, but the conversation quickly moved on.

Fast forward to tonight and I made the same confession to CC and she was much more positive, making suggestions, offering support and offering to get me off the sofa.

That was kind of the complete opposite reaction from both women than I was expecting.

And neither conversation was as productive as the one I'd had with USHW over email yesterday where we thrashed out potential solutions to the issues that I think are bothering me.

Frustration

I spent Friday afternoon at KfW2's, with her and her kids. I enjoy the time, though I still want to get her out on her own for a few drinks and maybe some food and, most importantly, time alone.

But I know that her resources are limited both in time and finances, so I've been patient.

I discovered, while trying to rearrange a dinner date with CC that she is having a girly night with KfW2 tomorrow. Girly nights happen quite often with various people, but KfW2 doesn't see them as being nights out, even though it's dinner and drinks.

Sigh.

Hmmm...

It has been a tough week. Emotionally, I've been all over the place. This has partly been brought on by some recent changes in work that are beyond my control. Ultimately, they are not big changes, but my reaction would suggest otherwise.

I know that my reaction is over the top and somewhat irrational, but it's also provoked other things - a reminder of the loneliness, a reminder about the stuff I had to deal with last year with my old boss and a resurfacing of some general unhappiness that, if I want to resolve, will need a lot of work.

There are many areas of my life that I want to improve, but over the past year I've really struggled with motivation. I've spent far too much time eating unhealthily and playing video games rather than do the things I need to do.

It's not hugely self-destructive, but it's not brilliant either.

Happy birthday!

We may not be in any kind of contact any more and any time she has decided to get in touch, it's to ask a favour, but it's safe to say that FA2 taught me a lot and had an influence in my life.

So, Happy Birthday FA2.

And it began...

Today marks the 20th anniversary of becoming official with FA2. After three months of the odd secret hook up, chatting and public socialising, we decided to make it official and give it a go. It was hardly a surprise - I think we both kinda knew were it was heading the week leading up to the night in question.

Once we ended up back at hers, in bed, for the fourth (I think) time in three months, I think it was inevitable that we'd go to the next stage.

Well, I'd always argued that it was the next day, after we'd had "the chat" and another couple of rounds of very enjoyable physical exertion, and FA2 commented that we should take that step, but a year later as we prepared for our anniversary, she was adamant that it would be the 22nd.

Sun's out...

This afternoon was a complete write-off. An ex-team-mate (can you double-hyphenate?) asked if I fancied going to the pub. It was sunny, I had nothing else to do, so I did! There were five of us out and there was plenty of banter. And beer. Far too much beer, dear reader, for a Wednesday lunchtime with work to return to.

But, for a brief ninety minute spell, it was glorious.

I love it when it's sunny.

Hello again.

Attractive Neighbour has popped up on the online dating sites again. I'm not active, but I log into the sites every now and again to see if anyone new and interesting has joined. Aside from AN, the lists are full of the same old people.

While I don't think I'm AN's type (not good looking enough), I'm still kinda disappointed that she didn't use my phone number to meet, platonically, for a drink or do something fun.

Even if that's a stretch, I'm disappointed that we didn't interact more while we lived beside each other.

Oh, and as an aside, AN, don't use the professionally taken pictures. Your dress down, natural look is MUCH better.

No title.

AM was meant to be in contact about meeting for lunch tomorrow. Since I haven't heard from her, I'm guessing we're not meeting. It's a shame. It would have been nice to see her, alone. We've not had time alone together in years.

However, in more positive news, I spent an enjoyable hour or so today chatting to Quiet Girl during a work thing today. While she was a lot more open than I've seen her before, she was still difficult to get to open up, though she did a little. And I think she got to know me a little better, too.

It was nice to get to know her a bit more and I've finally clarified that, if she isn't married, she's at least in a relationship. So that angle is closed off.

Ah well.

Ungh.

Sometimes, dreams are the subconscious mind trying to piece things together. Sometimes they are not so subtle.

My dream last night was of the latter variety and I've been feeling somewhat frustrated all day.

Oh!

Oh, already the Eurovision Song Contest is interesting. Daniela Ruah, an actress out of NCIS: Los Angeles is one of the presenters. An American actress? Presenting? The Eurovision Song Contest?

Oh... Wikipedia tells me she's a Portugese-American. That'll be it, then.

Tall? Dark haired? Athletic? Curves?

Count Ruuude in!

Reminiscing.

Many years ago, a new girl joined our team in work. Cute, brunette, petite.

On a work night out, as we were leaving the restaurant, I motioned her to walk in front of me.

"What a gentleman you are!" she declared.

"Even if I told you that I only did that so I can see if you have a nice ass?"

She laughed over her shoulder and swayed her hips. She did have a nice ass.

We got along well enough, but she moved on to other opportunities a short time later.

Years later, on our first (only) proper date, RB asked if I knew her. It turned out that RB and I used to work for the same company, at the same time, albeit only for a few months before RB went for a career change into, well, recruitment. RB, MF and the girl with the nice ass had all attended college together and started on the same day, but RB and GWTNA had fallen out. It's not surprising. GWTNA was pretty headstrong, as was RB come to think of it. 

In fact, GWTNA and KFW later fell out (over GM), and wrongly in my opinion as GWTNA was dating someone else at the time, but screwing GM on the side. I don't know the exact details of why GWTNA and KFW fell out. I don't think KFW and GM ever hooked up. 

RB never explained why she had stopped being friends with GWTNA, but both of them are, as they say, bonkers.

I'd forgotten all about GWTNA's relationship with RB until she popped up on Facebook today in pictures with her kids and her husband... the guy she cheated on with GM.

Inpromptu.

It's been on my mind for months about getting KfW2 out for a night out - dinner and drinks - like we used to do. I've held back making the suggestion because I know that her time is limited at the moment, plus I know that she doesn't have a lot of extra cash.

But out of the blue today, she asked if I fancied heading out for dinner after work. Then followed that up with "And maybe a few drinks after?"

And off we went.

A pleasant meal later and we were in a bar, chatting. It was the type of chat that I've wanted to have with her, though we didn't cover nearly all of the topics that I'd like. But we covered some important stuff, I think, at least from her perspective. I think she needed that chat, too.

It was nice, even if it was only two hours, but I want to do it properly, but I can't see that happening for at least a few months at the earliest.

Foil hat.

Over the past month or so, I've been paranoid that the blog will be found by someone close to me. Saying that, I have no evidence that that's the case... While I have tried to keep it anonymous - using coded names instead of people's real names, for example, anyone who knows me could probably figure out that I am responsible for the blog.

Part of starting the blog to begin with was because I found it difficult to open up to people. While that's still an issue, it's less of one. I'm more open with FP and KfW2, for example. Even IG and SG have prised some stuff from me that I'd never have thought to vocalise before. USHW figured out the secret very early.

I don't want to make it private either. Comments from random browsers are few and far between, but I'd still like to engage with anyone who takes the time to read and comment, even if the comment is "you're a dick".

Sigh.

Immediately after I sent KfW2 a text message this morning, she called me. The job that she'd been promised was posted last week... however, the job description doesn't guarantee the promotion that she's looking for. And remember, this is the job that's pretty much hers. There'll be no interview (ostensibly she did it a few weeks ago when she applied for another job but did enough to impress the interviewer who had another role coming up). I'd always thought that she wanted a new challenge, hence the job search, but it's not the case at all. It's the promotion and the subsequent pay rises that should accompany it that's important. If there's no guaranteed promotion, she won't apply for the job.

I'll admit, I'm slightly jealous. I can't say that I've never had a stroke of luck like that though. An old boss of mine pulled some strings years ago to get me into his team when he needed to replace someone. At the time, I was having issues with my current boss, so this worked out spectacularly well for all concerned... plus it directly led to me getting to know KfW2 better.

But I've been annoyed by KfW2's constant moaning about not hearing about the job. It's safe to say that pretty much every day for the past few weeks, she's mentioned the lack of advertisement. It was due to come out a few days after her interview feedback, but didn't. Even today - as soon as I sent a text, she called and immediately started complaining.

There are numerous reasons I don't want her to move on. I did feel bad for it initially, but that's lessened slightly now that I know it's almost purely about money rather than wanting or needing a new challenge.

I understand her impatience, but I disagree with her anger at the small things she has to deal with surrounding this potential new job and have told her so.

Positive thinking.

This month is going to be very busy both professionally and personally. I've already had two social nights out. There's at least another one planned, with work, before the end of the month. There are a couple of other things in the pipeline as well, but they've slipped my mind for now.

In work, we're pretty much changing our entire suite of processes. We're years behind the current industry trends, but this is more to do with upper management than people at my level. In fact, if they'd listened to us when I joined the team, we wouldn't be involved in something this big. We've wanted to modernise our way of working as well as update the product we deliver for years, but were never allowed to. That's the trouble with the company I work for - they tend not to listen to us, only paying attention when someone in the upper echelons makes a decision. In this case, we got an industry renowned guy in, who pretty much suggested the changes we've been asking for for years. Only he wasn't suggesting this about my team or small departments but rather the entire company. We've spent millions of pounds making these changes, but it's been slow, not without issues and probably not as successful as it should have been.

This change means this month is going to be spent re-writing processes, meeting new team mates and doing lots of training. And it's going to get stressful.

I'm already stressed to a certain extent. Not as much as I was last year, but I don't feel that I've properly recovered from my boss working me to the bone then hanging me out to dry. My diet and exercise habits have been appalling since the turn of the year. Exercise-wise, I've been out of sorts for years due to various injuries, but my diet has taken a turn for the worse. I've increased the amount of takeaways and general junk/quick food I'm eating for dinners for the same reason that I've struggled to get into exercise again - mentally exhausted by the time I come home from work and want something quick and easy.

I've just done a Tesco shop with ingredients that I can use to cook proper dinners, including some healthy options - a filling Tabbouleh salad, for example. With the nights brightening, maybe I can spend half an hour in the kitchen prepping something tasty and healthier than a Chinese takeaway. If I can do the same for lunches, not only can I eat healthier, but I could even save some money as well.

Party Animal.

Surprisingly, I feel fine today. Why "surprisingly"? Well, I've now been out, in the pub, two nights in a row. And I wasn't sipping soda waters those nights either.

Thursday was a pub quiz with my sis, bro-in-law and Dad. Despite being planned months ago, it was last minute because we'd never set a date for it and no-one's mentioned it since. This is typical of my Dad though. He'll blame memory issues, but in reality, it's simply a lack of organisation. I was planning on having a quiet night on Thursday - I have a few books to read - so peace and quiet and a book was looking good. But a 5 PM phone call from my brother-in-law put paid to that. It turned out to be an OK night. It would have been better, but I was annoyed at the lack of organisation by Dad and it's not the first time that this kind of thing has happened and I simply wasn't in the mood for it.

Last night was slightly different. I was meeting AM, QC1 plus husbands and FP. It started early and finished late and many, many beers were had. After Thursday night, I was knackered, and not really in the mood for it due to tiredness. Cancelling was not an option as I haven't seen AM in nearly two years. However,  once I got there, things livened up.

It was a good night, and I have tentative arrangements to see AM separately in a few weeks for lunch. AM and I used to be close, but the past ten years saw us drift apart.

Elementary.

I've always harboured a suspicion that SG wasn't entirely honest about her feelings towards GM. The official line is that they met on an online dating site, quickly knew they'd be friends, but nothing more. However, a few months later, on a drunken night away, doing sporty stuff, they ended up fucking.

They then lapsed back into "we're only friends" territory, but SG was very jealous when Foreign Girl was in town. As FG and GM were telling me this one night in the pub, I declared that SG was harbouring stronger feelings for GM than she was admitting to. In fact, I suggested this to almost everyone who asked - FP, KfW2 amongst others.

During this time, SG was going on dates, but ending them early so she could come and meet us (GM, S and myself) in the pub. There were rarely any second dates.

It got to the point where I suspected that GM and SG had progressed to being, at the very least, fuck buddies, ending up at GM's after each night we were out.

So, when I professed a theory that SG had hung around, making herself available for GM if he ever changed his mind about dating, I was shouted down. Or at least, the theory was pooh-poohed. KfW2 was one person who was certainly dubious.

A few weeks ago, whilst very, very drunk, SG admitted that she fell in love with GM pretty much the first time they met.

This, in my mind, backs up my theory. It certainly confirms the fact that SG had been harbouring strong feelings for GM long before she admitted to them publicly.

Oh dear.

There was a chance that D and I were going to be making a trip to London later this year. I was looking forward to it - it was a chance to tick something off my Bucket List - see a sports team. By chance, D's team and mine were playing each other in London, so D suggested that we went.

Sadly, D messaged today to say that it's unlikely he'll be able to attend due to finances.

While it's not 100% ruled out as yet, it has that feeling about it. I can't see things changing within the next few weeks when the tickets go on sale, to enable him to attend.

This wouldn't be an issue if his wife worked. She hasn't been permanently employed in well over ten years, possibly longer. I don't know if this is a problem for D. I know it's been brought up by all of us when we're in the pub. While it may not annoy him, I do know that only having one salary come into the house makes things tight, financially, every now and again and treats, such as trips to London to see his sports team, are off the menu.

I'm not exactly flush with cash myself, but I could have afforded a weekend in London as a treat.