Sigh.

Facebook reminded me today that it's five years since Sports Girl explicitly said that she liked me. I was horrifically drunk, but I am still pretty sure that it was meant in a non-platonic way. Circumstances at the time meant that, even if I had spotted this and been in a position to make something happen, I couldn't.

And as it would eventually transpire, maybe that was a good thing, given how utterly bonkers she turned out to be when she and GM eventually split up.

She might be stunningly attractive (and on this night, she was dressed in a Wonder Woman costume that accentuated her figure), but that doesn't excuse horrible bad behaviour. I did spend a nice few minutes going through the photos from that night though.

Just stuff

Nerdy Girl suggested that we forego our usual walk in favour of something indoors. Pool, maybe? The weather hasn't been great, so it's been a while since we saw each other. Actually, as I had admitted to CC in a phone call yesterday, I've been very withdrawn over the past while. It would be nice to actually get out and do something.

I can't remember the last time I played pool. The memory I have is with CC and KfW2, but I know that I've must have played more recently with GM or Sports Girl.

Regardless, it was a good night out - some pool, some food, adjourn to a quiet bar to chat and have a couple of drinks and back home early. Nerdy Girl did admit some things to me (KfW2 had asked me questions around the topic before, but I had no definitive answer), but just getting out to chat to a non-family member was refreshing. I also shared my experience/frustrations of the CB near miss (specifically seeing her on Match, messaging, getting no reply, then seeing her in person and not knowing if I could approach her) and not getting a read on V.

I slept really late this morning - it was nearly 10 AM by the time I woke up, but I have today and Monday off to recharge a little. I probably won't, though. The stressful things haven't been fixed and the timeline I have is growing closer, so I have work to do to try and address that where I can. There is a glimmer that things might not be as bad as I fear, but I won't know for sure for a while.

Ooh!

Night out with Quiet Girl in about a month's time?

Yes please!

Other people will be in attendance though.

Sigh.

With a few nights of really poor sleep due to stress and anxiety, I thought that I'd get a good night's sleep last night. I was mentally and physically exhausted. But no. Another night of broken sleep, and I'm knackered this morning.

I did have a really vivid dream last night. I can't remember the specifics, but it involved my parents, stunning celebrity Morena Baccarin and the Death Star out of Star Wars.

While I don't remember the details of the dream, I did wake up feeling awfully lonely.

And to cheer me up, here's a picture of Morena Baccarin:

Fond memories.

I was re-reading an email conversation that USHW and I had a good few years ago and I had explained to her how CAB and I had met. It provoked some pleasant memories, so I thought I'd share. I think I've mentioned a little of how we'd met, but here's the story in more detail:

I was out with BW and another friends of ours, watching one of my favourite local bands. This would have been somewhere around the start of March or end of February. BW met a female friend of his, and CAB was her friend. At the end of the night we all disappeared off to get a taxi. CAB mentioned that her friend had a crush on BW, so the two of us made ourselves scarce to see if anything would happen. I had a slight inkling that CAB might have had her own ideas, but I didn't see any obvious signs. Eventually we got a taxi and as I dropped CAB off, there was a brief kiss, that she initiated.

Back in the day, a group of us always used to go out for a Sunday night drink to close out the weekend, and this was no different... except BW brought CAB's friend out (though nothing had happened between them the previous night). BW and the mutual friend were teasing me about CAB and I mentioned that she was nice and I'd be interested in seeing her again. The friend disappeared for 5 mins and half an hour later we were sitting in CAB's house drinking tea. Between the four of us, we arranged to go out on Monday for drinks. CAB recommended a pub out of town and off we went. In the pub, we were left alone, so I asked CAB for a lunch date. She said yes.

We did lunch on the Wednesday, both of us had a good time but I was due to be going to France on the Sat morning for ten days to visit AM and QC1 and CAB was busy until the weekend, so we agreed to meet again when I came back. 

I was all packed and ready for a quiet night on the Friday when CAB called. Apparently her plans for that night had fallen through, did I fancy a few drinks? (To this day, I don't think they did fall through and she cancelled them herself).

Anyway, we went to the pub and had a great time. She said that her friend was out trying to find BW that night. I knew that BW was out with BR and that everyone would likely go back to BR's house for afterparty/somewhere to order a taxi, so CAB and I walked there, stopping every now and again for some kissing. We got there before anyone else was and stood on the doorstep having a bit of a snog. As luck would have it, Friction Guy's girlfriend lived a few doors down from BR and they were walking past and invited us in for a drink.

An hour or so later, we left and went to BR's. BW was there but CAB's friend had already gone home (BW had hooked up with an ex that night). I tried calling it a night, but CAB dragged me into a dark corner and we made out for a while. I eventually got home about 4AM, to be up at 6AM to go to the airport.

I admitted to AM and QC1 about CAB while I was visiting and they quizzed me heavily. Yes, she was cute. I thought she was nice. I saw it going somewhere, but it was too early to tell, I seem to recall telling the girls.

Nearly as soon as I was in the house when I returned, CAB phoned and arranged to meet. I was due to meet BR, BW and others, but agreed to meet for a drink first. She was very insistent on that. It turned out that while I was away, she had kissed one of her male (and supposedly platonic) friends. BW and our friend from the first night witnessed this, so she wanted to tell me before anyone else had a chance. 

I was ambivalent. I explained that we'd had one date and knew each other for a week, it's not like we were official or exclusive. She seemed happy with that and we pretty much the started dating from then.

It ended a few months later, again I'm struggling with the actual dates, but probably early June. We dated for just short of three months. I probably jumped the gun as it had an extra few months in it, at best, because she was leaving for studies in another city at the end of the summer and I wasn't ready for long distance.

She did spend a few weeks trying to reconnect, but I was too stubborn to give in.

Gah!

Something that has been hammered home to me over the past few years in work is communication. If in doubt, over-communicate, they say. "They" being several managers.

It's not a concept that I necessarily agree with. If everyone over-communicates, then it becomes more likely that something important gets missed in a deluge of unimportant emails and IMs.

Regardless... there's something happening in work that's been ongoing since the start of September. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo until it's resolved, and yet communication around it has been awful. I've had to chase up information on several occasions. the information has been contradictory, often incomplete and patchy.

If this had been me, my boss would have been giving me a good telling off, and rightly so.

The whole thing has me stressed out. I'm also angry and frustrated - it's the limbo thing. I feel like there are things I can't do until this is resolved.

Oh.

I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd been waking each morning with FA2, then CAB on my mind, for seemingly no reason.

This morning, it was my first big crush from school. She's been mentioned a few times before. I think I called her SJ. I've no idea why she was on my mind and in a sexual way. I'd never thought about her that way before, and I rarely think about her in general.

It's only really when FP and I are reminiscing that she comes to mind. I think FP shares my opinion that she's one of the few people from school that we'd like to reconnect with, that we don't already.

Just stuff.

When I first met USHW, years ago, she returned a book that I had loaned her. It was "The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl", by Brooke Magnanti (known at the time as Belle de Jour). I'd read (and loved) the blog. I read further works of hers. She even added me as a "friend" on Facebook due to USHW sending her a message explaining how I was a fan.

Even my sister was a fan due to my influence and we were both very interested in what was going to happen when she outed herself and when Billie Piper was due to star in an adaption of the blog/book for television.

As part of the lead-up to the TV series, Billie and Brooke met, and chatted. There's a picture below, though the written piece that accompanies it is long gone, or at least I can't remember where I first saw it.

When I'm feeling a little down, in a funk or lonely, I surf the internet, spending money I don't have. Is it expensive gadgets? Nice restaurants? Posh hotels to spend a few days? All of that! So, imagine my surprise when a picture appeared in a London hotel that reminded me of the picture above.

It couldn't be the same place, could it?

I think it is, you know!

It's well out of my budget, but that's the point of these little online window shopping scenarios - it's very definitely "lottery win" territory.

Sigh.

As one of my Facebook memories for today, I had posted a picture of a beer. I used to have a habit of doing this, especially if I was out in the middle of the week. The photo, and comment, makes no mention of who I might have been out with.

However, the comments under the photo are more revealing. QC2 asked if it was with someone fabulous. And it appeared that it was... QC2 herself!

It's been too long since I spoke to QC2, and the last time was a text message after she butt dialled me, the morning after I moved into my new house.

It feels weird reaching out after eight plus years of silence, but I do miss her.

Blast from the past.

Years ago, there was a programme on TV called Northern Exposure. I have memories of watching it with female company, though I don't actually recall dating anyone around that time. I think I was too invested in my crush with the worldly-wise school friend at that time.

Anyway... I do recall having a real crush on Janine Turner, one of the show's stars.

Ooops.

For the past few weeks, I have woken each morning (well, most mornings) with FA2 on my mind. I can't think why nor do I recall any dreams involving FA2 that might have her in my thoughts on waking.

Today was different. Today, it was CAB. Specifically, it was CAB, when we were on a date, and were told a football result. She supported one team, me, another. It was a draw. However, when I looked up the match earlier, it turns out that it took place a month before I think we ever met, so the memory is incorrect. Weird.

The feeling's disappointed. Really disappointed.

I went to see the new Bond film with FP yesterday. For spoiler-y reasons that I won't get into, I didn't like the film. I am a massive Bond fan, though, so certain things happen in this film that I can't get on board with.

One thing that I can get on board with is Ana De Armas' character, Paloma. Her brief appearance is a real highlight.

And not just because of the strappy dress (see above). In times when there is talk of a female James Bond, I was more engaged and interested in her character than Lashana Lynch's actual 007.