2020 can GTFO.

So it's New Year's Eve. Thanks to Covid, I haven't had my annual stress about getting people out for NYE). I did though, think about CB earlier. Presumably she popped into my head because it was NYE.

From a personal perspective, 2020 has been tough for me. 

Despite being happy in my own company and being somewhat of an introvert, I have missed seeing people, especially KfW2. I realise that I have been ultra-cautious with regards to the distancing, but with an elderly parent to consider, this has been something that I needed to do. Saying that, the longer I'm in isolation, the less I want to leave the house, even though I do feel incredibly isolated. I have, at least, and like a lot of other people, spent some time, effort and money on the house.

Professionally, I am lucky enough where I was able to transition to working from home easily, and keep my job without the need for furloughing etc. I had a good year that I hope will lead to a promotion (and pay rise), but I won't know until probably March.

Let's see what 2021 will bring.

More dreams.

For the past few mornings, I've awoken to a barely remembered dream. I was walking around a foreign city with a girl that I barely knew, though physically could have been CC, CAB, CH or KfW2, and I think the mystery woman could have taken on characteristics of any of those women (though they are all attractive brunettes with good figures anyway). It kinda reminded me of "Before Sunrise", in terms of the city, time of year etc. but without the undercurrent of romance.

I don't remember the end of the dream, just the walking and talking, but I do wake up feeling a bit lonely and down.

Just me.

I've not yet bought myself a Christmas present. I have some money set aside and I have a load of Amazon vouchers from work as well, so it could be a decent treat. But I can't decide what I want.

I was considering an Amazon Alexa device to replace my twenty year old alarm clock. I have one in the kitchen for radio use, recipes etc. and it's decent piece of kit. However Alexa listens to everything you say and I'm not sure that I want Alexa listening to me in my bedroom.

I also have something that I need to discuss with my sister, so I might try and pay her a visit later today.

Surprise, surprise.

I've often posted about how much I cherish KfW2's friendship, her empathy and compassion. She can be difficult and demanding as well, but her warmth can really shine through - much more than I can remember from anyone before, even AM (who was my closest friend for a long time) or FA2 (my longest relationship).

My sister's gift to me this Xmas shows that she at least knows me better than I would have given her credit. It was something that I liked immensely but probably would never have thought to buy myself - some art.

Compare that to FA2 who, when it was approaching my birthday, a few months after we'd started dating, suggested she bought me a watch. I already had a watch. I didn't need nor want another. I told FA2 this. Imagine my surprise when she gave me my gift on my birthday and it was... a watch. I don't think I completely masked the frustration on my face at the gift.

So, I'm completely in love with my sister's gift to me this year and it's already hanging on the wall.

Congratulations

A while ago, I think I posted a theory that MMBF had split up with her maybe boyfriend. After all, there have been zero mentions of him on Facebook from MMBF and the only time I've seen him mentioned was in what appeared to be a couples weekend away with MMBF's friend and her then fiancé.

As you might have guessed, based off a Facebook post yesterday, MMBF is now engaged to the aforementioned maybe boyfriend.

In fact, I was aware of four different engagements as of yesterday, a record!

Urgh again.

Last night involved another KFC and beer incident, so I didn't get a lot of sleep. In between bouts of waking in agony, I recall some kind of dream where I lived in America where I was playing in a soccer team alongside many unknown people and actress Kate Mara. In this dream, Kate and I were friendly, veering towards romantic.

At a practice session before an important game, nothing was going right for me, and who should turn up to watch? My parents. Kate did everything to help, but it was not to be. The dream ended around the time I woke up and it seemed I was going to ask her on a date.

Urgh.

Last night, I had a dream where work had made me redundant. They explained to me why they had made the decision, and showed me the algorithm that calculated the scores that they had used. Except the numbers for me were wrong, but there was no appeals process... I was gone.

I tried asking KfW2 for help, but she wasn't allowed to help and distanced herself.

And that was it - for most of the dream I tried to get a re-count with no success, then I tried to contact another friend to see if he would offer me a job, but I couldn't get in contact with him.

And I woke this morning, having tossed and turned all night, enough to dislodge all the bedclothes and more than a little upset.

As a result, I've been tired all day and a little out of sorts.

Looky here!

According to Facebook, today is the anniversary of one of our more memorable big days out. KfW2 and her hubby had a fight (over nothing - they were both drunk, and we all laugh about it to this day) and it was an overall fun time.

Of course, that's not the real reason for this post, though I am frustrated that I can't "share" the memory to my timeline for some reason. The real reason is that, on one of my other "memories" for today, there's a post from DSC.

DSC has a new name.

DSC has remarried.

Oooooh.

Further random pondering.

I think that I've previously said that online dating where I live is a pretty frustrating affair. The same people pop up again and again, especially on the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble etc.)

For reasons that I don't understand, I might see the same people numerous times per week. For others, a few times per year. Attractive Neighbour, my sister's university friend, a couple of local, minor, celebs all seem to pop up every few months or so. I assume they do some dating, it doesn't work out and they eventually return. Or maybe they don't meet anyone and delete their accounts? Who knows?

One such girl was an attractive blonde woman with a great figure. We never matched, of course, but she frequently popped up and, if her pictures were anything to go by, she lived nearby. And then she stopped appearing. I hadn't seen her online for maybe a year, until a few weeks ago, when she appeared again.

No new pictures, but one important change to her profile: she now has a child. Was that the reason for the year or so's hiatus?

In itself, the story's not that interesting, more something I noticed and pondered and you all know, Dear Readers, that I've posted enough ponder here before. But the reason I was prompted into it was that I think I've just seen her at my local Tesco, doing some shopping. She was wearing a mask, but it seemed to be her, pushing a pram.

We made eye contact, but I don't think she recognised me. I was wearing a hat and mask, mind you.

Frustration.

"Let's do dinner tonight!" declared CC.

"OK, where?"

CC named a favourite restaurant of hers. It's always her first choice when she wants dinner or brunch. I'm not a fan, and every time she suggests it, I have to tell her I don't like it. This time was no exception.

"Sigh. OK, well, I'll think about it." CC was being dramatic again.

She offered another suggestion- a nearby gastropub. Might as well give it a go, right? But the instant CC frustration was there immediately. It's why I don't hang out with her as often as I could (or even should).

I named a time. An hour before CC was due, I jumped into the shower. I was drying off when the doorbell rang. Then it rang again. Then my phone went. It was CC. She was 25 minutes early. Sigh.

And while the conversation at dinner flowed reasonably well, I did have to reign her in when she was demanding that I do work to my house and demanding that I go to the gym with her. I've lost track of the amount of times we've had these conversations. I've given her my take on these subject many, many times and yet she still brings them up and expects the outcome to be different. I'm actually surprised I haven't lost my temper with her.

I was very firm with her tonight though.

Just pondering things.

After a near-sleepless night on Friday, I've slept soundly over the past two nights though I had a vague recollection of a dream involving KfW2 on Saturday night and last night's involved E3 and was quite explicit. It was weird due to not really ever thinking about E3 in that way.

Of course, there was the episode many years ago where she did come on to me after one of M's birthday parties. I was flattered - E3's a lovely, pretty girl - and had she made the move under other circumstances, then something might well have come of it. 

That's my issue with privacy coming into it. Well, that and the approach coming out of the blue when she'd been nowhere near me that evening. Would anything have happened had she approached me differently? I don't know. I probably would have at least met her for a drink/coffee/dinner.

Just more random thoughts.

A few days ago, Morena Baccarin posted a photo on Instagram which really provoked a reaction.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before how I get a vibe from her that reminds me of KfW2, so this should come as no surprise to regular readers. KfW2's rarely had her hair done as short as in this pic of Ms. Baccarin above, but when she has, it's really suited her, and I've told her as much.

I think she (KfW2) likes it short, but her husband remains unconvinced, I think.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time?

I hate this time of year. I've never been a big fan of Christmas, or at least the lead up to Christmas and even things like my big day out with KfW2 or Christmas parties don't do enough to offset the other stuff - the pressure of buying the right present etc.

I've only one person left to get for this year - my sister - and I'm hoping that a well-timed call to my brother-in-law will, if not solve the issue, at least point me in the right direction. That means I can get everything wrapped before next week and I can enjoy the week before Christmas. Well... not enjoy per se, but not get stressed about it.

What I've always loved, though, is that period after Christmas, in the lead up to New Year's Eve. At least this year I know that I won't be going anywhere, so the frustration of trying to pin down S or GM, for example, for a night out.

But traditionally, I've caught up with friends who have come home or socialise with people I don't get to see as often as I should. That's not likely to happen this year either.

2021 should be a big year, for many reasons at a personal level, so there's at least something to look forward to.

Sigh.

Two of Ruuude's celebrity crushes have a birthday today.

Jennifer Connelly... looking better than ever.

and Madchen Amick. I had the hugest crush on her after Twin Peaks.

Happy birthday, ladies.

Status Update: Week Whatever

 As you may have guessed from the lack of update over the past few weeks, I've stopped doing weekly weigh-ins. There didn't seem to be any point when I was doing on exercise and not really managing my diet that effectively. Plus, you know, it's the holiday season and it's time to drink alcohol and snack.

I'll get back on it when 2021 rolls around and this god forsaken year fucks the fuck off.

Counting down.

"Come down to mine for drinks?" asked KfW2.

"I'd love to, but I'm keeping a low profile for Xmas, so I can go to my sis's" was my reply.

I wasn't lying. There are a couple of family things coming up, and with the ongoing pandemic and lockdowns, socialising isn't a great idea, even if the risk is low.

"We'll do something really soon, though!" I promised. I paused then sent a follow-up message.

"I've missed you. I can't remember the last time we just had a nice chat, never mind actually seen you."

I always second guess myself at this kind of admission. Is it appropriate? Is the timing right?

A message came back.

"I've missed you too".

Once I get Xmas Day out of the way, I'll consider some socialising. I was at my sister's for the first time in months a few days ago and it was really enjoyable having the company and a proper adult, face-to-face, chat.

I was also texting GM, and we agreed that the isolation is difficult and he suggested doing something after Christmas, from a socialising perspective, though maybe not until February.

Roll on 2021.

Just talkin'

I took a notion to message F last night. I think it was because I was reading through some of my old chat logs from years ago and randomly picked the month that led to her coming over for a visit and us spending the weekend in many, many bars getting drunk, taking the mickey out of K and me watching pretty much every man stare at F. It's not that F is drop dead gorgeous or a traditional head-turner the way I would classify QC2 back in the day, or KfW2. She does, however, have a massive rack. And she could put her legs behind her head. You can imagine that, having demonstrated that to me in a bar, it didn't take long for her to be approached by complete strangers. She returned from the bar, with drinks, giggling at the attempts to pull her. She cuddled up to me, just to tease the guys in the bar.

So, I messaged her on Facebook, just for a chat. I know she's not having a great year due to her FB posts, so I thought I'd check-in with her. I hate doing this kinda stuff publicly. Even if I see something on Facebook, I tend to chat to people via Messenger, but more often email or text messages... away from Facebook.

She seemed in OK form, and it didn't take too long for us to hit our stride again, conversationally. It was nice to chat to her again, even if it was only brief.

Sabotage.

In my last post, I mentioned meeting a girl, establishing that she's interested, then not sealing the deal with a date or phone number or whatever, only to get a second chance quite through luck. When I was in my 20s, that happened a LOT. And I never seemed to learn my lesson. CAB was a prime example - at the back of my mind, I knew she was interested, and we had the opportunity to hook up the first night we met, but I brushed it off 'til we shared a taxi home (with BW and her friend) and she kissed me as she got out. Then, the next night, chatting to BW and CAB's friend, I suggested I'd like to see her again and that kicked off me dating CAB.

I think I've also posted before about not being willing to believe that someone was interested in my at a non-platonic level, so would "test" that theory to the point where the other party would give up chasing, or the night would end before anything could happen.

I really did seem to sabotage my own dating prospects at times. I didn't even have to be in my twenties. I did the same thing with RB and it was only a chance meeting on the pavement as she was waiting for a taxi that "saved" that night.

Woke up this morning...

I woke this morning after a dreamless sleep (or at least dreams that I can't remember) but remembered a girl that I went on a couple of dates with. We met one night when I was out with FP and BW. BW got talking to a group of girls and then FP and I joined in. I'm struggling to even put a date on it. I think she might have been the first girl to pique my interest after FA2. Or was it pre-FA2? I think it was early in the year. February or March, maybe?

As the night goes on, it's clear that one of them is into me. 

And that feeling was reciprocated.

Things were going well until the end of the night when we suddenly went our separate ways. Well, her group of friends went to get a taxi, as did FP, BW and myself. She gave me a brief kiss on the way out the door, and that was it.

A few weeks later, I was at my local shopping centre, looking for a pair of scissors, I think. That's when I saw her, in a shop window. She mentioned working in the shop, but that had passed me by. I decided to see if I could get to talk to her, so I pottered around the shop trying to catch her eye, but she had disappeared. As it happened, I managed to find a pair of scissors, so I grabbed them and took them to the till.

I would ask you to guess who appeared behind the till, just as I arrived, but it would be a wasted question. There weren't too many other people in the shop, so we were able to chat. She still seemed keen, and I was still interested, so I asked her for a drink. She said "Yes" and scribbled her phone number on the back of my receipt and off I went.

We ended up going on some dates, but barring the physical attraction, there wasn't an awful lot to work with. There was an age difference too. She was working in the shop part-time while she went to university. I was older than her. We just weren't clicking at that level and we both recognised that.

I can't even remember her name, and though I can't remember exactly what she looked like, looking back, I think she kinda had this Cristin Milioti/Kate Mara/Anna Kendrick/Quiet Girl vibe going on.