Good times

Years and years ago, F came to visit. F and I were very friendly. F had invited me to stay in her hotel room while she was here, but I never got a read on whether she wanted anything physical to happen. F had, to the best of my knowledge, slept with a lot of people, and her fair share from the online hobby where we had met. But for years, I simply couldn't pin down if we were flirting, mucking around or whatever. I think I eventually decided that I had, at some level, wanted to sleep with her, but even now I'm not sure if that's accurate.

Regardless, one of the first nights she was here, we ended up in a bar just down the road from her hotel. I was teasing her about something, and that led to me making a bet with her, that she wouldn't put her leg behind her head. She claimed she could do it, and I believed her, but the challenge was to do it in the half empty bar. And to be fair to her, she did. And thirty seconds after she did, she went to the bar, and I think every bloke within visual range followed her.

She fobbed them off - I was her boyfriend, she said - and returned with drinks. We laughed about it all night and she spent the entire night teasing the guys - stroking her ass in full view of everyone. "Absent mindedly" adjusting her bra (she is a busty girl, is F) and her jumper for maximum cleavage. She could have, at any time, taken any of them back to her hotel room. I don't think I've ever seen anyone hold the attention of an entire room full of people before, in that way.

But I didn't tell her that... I just teased her about her choice of men, specifically the ones from the online hobby.

And all this was brought about having seen a woman put her leg behind her head and drink a beer on Reddit.

Ooops!

I've just realised that I've got a HUGE hole in my jeans. Luckily I'm wearing trunks, but I'm hoping no-one* saw too much today!

I actually was speaking to a few people, one-to-one today including Quiet Girl. No-one was stealing glances to where the hole was, so I think I'm safe.

Matchmaking.

Years ago, I had a vague notion of setting GM up with E's younger sister. Then GM went and shacked up with SG. (I must go back and look at the actual dates, but it seems to me that there was little time between wanted to introduce E's sister to GM and GM meeting SG).

Now, GM is single and I'm having an infrequent conversation with E's little sis.

Can I get the two of them in the same room this time?

Making a point.

Just like my online dating adventures, I've been browsing our internal job site to see if there's anything interesting. If I'm not being appreciated by my current boss, I might at least start again.

And, eventually, I saw a job that looked vaguely interesting. Not 100% what I want (though to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what that is right now), but certainly enough to look closer. So I set up a meeting with the guy who's doing the hiring and went to meet him for a chat.

It was KfW2's boss. I should have clicked when I read the job description.

Still, he gave me enough to think about it. I'm not 100% suitable, but I can probably put together a good enough internal application to warrant an interview.

And, right now, that's enough. It's enough to give my manager a shock... though he's unlikely to let me leave under the current circumstances, but I'm beyond caring about him. If he valued my contribution, I'd be promoted or would expect one in my next review, but he's already said that it's at least 18 months away.

I had one last obstacle. I wanted to ask KfW2 if she had any issues with me potentially joining her new team. People already talk about us, people talking is her prime reason for never staying over at mine and if people found out I was moving to her new team then, you guessed it, people would talk. Maybe she enjoyed the fact that we weren't working side-by-side every single day, as we were prior to her leaving for the new opportunity?

She had no issues.

Her initial reply was "Hahahahahahaha" and I got several of those throughout the day, but ultimately she was "go for it", after some teasing about missing her.

So, I have a few days to put together an application and send it off. Right now, I'm more interested in making a point with my boss than actually getting the job, but maybe that'll change if I get an interview?

Hurrah!

There had been a large silence from the Whatsapp group that include GM and S amongst others. The last I heard was that they were deciding on fancy dress for Saturday night.

I was feeling nosey this morning, so I sent a message asking how they got on. After all, our Hallowe'en nights out have always been good fun and there's usually a talking point or two.

Not this year, though! GM said that he never left the house as he was feeling unwell. S has been quiet all day, though.

Maybe I can still have my night out as planned this weekend, in lieu of missing Hallowe'en?

Confirmed.

KfW2's sister-in-law has already posted dozen of pictures from last night's party at KfW2's and has re-enforced my belief that not attending was the right idea. A family affair, where everyone had dressed up would have seen me entirely out of place as a non-family member and the only person not dressed up.

I can't remember the last time I did fancy dress - possibly in my late teens with FP where I felt completely out of place and self-conscious. To be honest, it's only been reasonably recently that I've felt comfortable dressing in a suit for the same reason  (and I'm putting that down to compliments from QC1 or the fact that FA2 practically ripped it off me any time I wore it). I'm very much a jeans and t-shirt guy.

But appreciative comments from FA2, QC1 and AM when I bought, and wore, my first "proper" suit helped. More recently, compliments from KfW2 and CH (and non-verbal reactions from CH as well) have helped greatly.

But I still won't do fancy dress.

Sniff.

I have a folder on my PC full of personal stuff. It's not personal stuff like CVs or stuff related to my house, but actual, proper personal stuff - drafts of messages, some chat logs. Essentially stuff that I wouldn't want other people to read.

I was browsing an old chat between myself and KfW2 from years ago when she was trying to get me to try online dating. I was reluctant and eventually confessed to previously trying it and it kicking me in my self-esteem.

The entire conversation, snatched over the course of a few days, reminded me of why I was friends with KfW2. She exudes a warmth and empathy that I don't ever remember getting from anyone before, even AM who I was close with for years. FA2 showed it in spells, but you'd expect that from your partner.

And it kinda made me feel a little bit lonely as well. I want to meet someone like that. Having some emotional support, right here, at a time where I'm professionally and personally unhappy would be a great help, I think.

FFS or oops?

As posted a few days ago, KfW2 had invited me to hers tonight. I said 'no', primarily because I need to catch up on sleep and get rid of an ongoing headache, but also because it's a family night and I'd spend the entire time retreating into my shell. That, in turn, would annoy/concern KfW2 who still hasn't come to terms with my shyness and quietness around people that I don't know.

Still, I had next week to look forward to - a night out with GM and S, amongst others. Hallowe'en nights out with that group are always fun, and it was one such night a few years ago where SG admitted that she liked me, then promptly left the bar.

Except that it appears that next week's night out isn't next week, but tonight. I've scrolled through the messages and no-one mentions specific dates. A Hallowe'en night out could easily mean tonight or next Saturday, but it was never clarified.

I've shifted the headache, at last, but I still need a decent night's sleep, so I won't be at either KfW2's or with S and GM tonight.

Figures.

KfW2 texted me late last night.

"What you doing this Saturday?"

"Nothing right now," I replied.

"Wanna come down to mine on Saturday for party?"

"Let me think about it"

And that was it.

Today:

"Why you not coming to mine?"

"I've not decided if I am or not yet, but I've got a three day headache and I'm not sleeping well. I don't want to say I'll go down, then have to cancel if I still feel like crap at the weekend."

She seemed satisfied with the reply, which was the honest truth. Then on the way home...

"Can I go shopping?"

I looked at her quizzically.

"For the weekend" she explained. "I'm cooking."

"Oh, at this stage, I'd say no. I'd rather not say yes then cancel. I still feel like crap."

"Well, don't ever complain that you're never invited down cos 90% of the time you refuse."

That's interesting. I never complain that I'm not invited down. I might complain that I only ever get invited down when other people are there, or it's a kiddie friendly play date or that she doesn't come out with me for a grown up night out. But me feeling like crap aside, part of me wouldn't want to go down because it's a family night - KfW2 and hers, her sis-in-law and KfW2's parents (and probably parents in law as well).

And 90% of the time, I refuse? Somehow I think she's exaggerating. 20%, I'd allow (but still think was high). Or maybe it seems higher to her because she's genuinely disappointed I don't go down more?

Urgh.

Another restless night, another weird dream. This time I was travelling, spending an extended time in a foreign country. While I wasn't visiting FA2 per se, we were spending a lot of time together. And we were having some frank conversations about our breakup. Except, it wasn't always FA2. It would alternate betwen FA2 and KfW2, though the message was consistent - "you hurt us, we were there for you, but we had no other choice and we're sad that we had to make that decision".

Suffice to say, I was a little agitated when I woke this morning. That's on top of a three day headache and a general lack of sleep. Today is going to be a long day.

Oh, hello.

Swiping through Tinder today, bored, and who should pop up, but SG! I've been expecting it for a while to be fair. Only the one photo and, what's this? Has she lied about her age? Oooh, interesting. The temptation is to swipe right, but she's far too bonkers to even contemplate it. And as for having a conversation... while GM wouldn't care (he claims she's our friend too), I would end up giving her a piece of my mind as she's been in the wrong about pretty much everything since her and GM split.

Plus, I still have the suspicion that she was only friends with us to get to GM. Paranoid? A little, maybe, but SG is full-on bonkers and her contact with me ended the very second her and GM became an item.

Bear in mind that only a few weeks previously, she was sending me text messages practically every minute (KfW2 was both amused, entertained and appalled at the same time).

Cheers!

Next week I have three... THREE nights out in a row. Possibly four if I can make up my mind about something. That's a bit of a break in my social dry spell (I don't count catching up with FP as a night out).

And they're not sensible, sober affairs either.

A night out with my sis and brother-in-law, a night out with work peeps and the annual Hallowe'en night out with S, GM etc.

There's also a speed dating night that I'm contemplating, and there was an outside chance that I might have had a night out with KfW2 as well, though she's double-booked that weekend. That'll need to be re-arranged.

My liver's going to take a pounding. Oopsie!

Sigh.

My dad has been closely involved with a local charity for the best part of two decades. He's often asked me to go to events, which I have done in the past, but these days, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed with his actions around the charity. He's always been frugal, but this extends to the charity.

They spend effectively no money on themselves, and it shows. All flyers, pamphlets etc. are printed at home, using knock off ink on a 5 year old printer. The written English is quite poor as well. That means that they don't give off a good impression of themselves, despite the fact that they're quite successful.

Over the two decades, they've raised tens of thousands of pounds for various causes.  I've had these conversations with the charity people about improving their image, in the best way that I can, but they don't listen (or want to listen). Spending £100 to make £1000 is better than spending nothing and making £100, but they can't see this.

The numbers are dwindling. The charity is doing nothing to engage new people. Some of the events are the same people turning up time and again, a couple of times a year. This is all papering over the cracks. My dad needs the charity to continue, for his own sanity, for something to do... but it's getting away from him I think.

The magic numbers.

The magic number is 218.4 lbs.

That's 99kg.

That's been my weight for a while now - like some kind of equilibrium - where my "normal" eating habits and exercise seem to land me. I'm pretty sure any posts in the past where I've weighed myself will give my weight roughly around 218 lbs, even though there are days I "feel" different (i.e. fatter).

So that makes my target 211 lbs for the FP challenge.

This isn't much different from my goals from a few years ago where ideally I eventually wanted to get to 196 lbs, 14 stone, 82.5 kg. If I can hit that, then I'll re-evaluate where I want to go from there.

218 lbs > 211 lbs > 210 lbs > 196 lbs

It'll be tough, but it's not complicated.

Shake on it.

I had a long overdue night out with FP last night. I can't remember the last time we were out, but it must be easily at least six weeks ago. We ended up in our usual haunt, when it's just the two of us - the bar where I saw CB.

It wasn't any busier than normal for a Sunday night, but it was notable for the fact that every single girl in the bar was a) blonde and b) very attractive. So much so, that conversation with FP took a while to get going as we were busy admiring the view(s).

And we made a two-way "wager". The Christmas Market in our city opens in about 5 weeks, so we both have 5 weeks to lose 7lb (roughly 3kg) in time for it opening. Whoever doesn't lose the weight owes the other person two drinks of their choice at the market.

FP is already well into his own weight loss routine, having lost over 2 stone over the past year. I'm still trying to motivate myself to get back into Yoga and start eating better. I've also had my eye on a watch/fitness tracker, but at £150, it'll require a little bit of saving.

Looks like I'm getting on the scales tonight.

And words are all I have.

Following on from this post and, after having a chat with a couple of ex-colleagues, I've got an email drafted to send to my boss. It pretty much says that I want off the team, that I'm looking for other jobs and I need to do this for the good of my health.

I've been pretty much obsessing about promotions for a couple of years, which isn't healthy in itself, but there's been added stress from a few sources and, if I am being honest, my boss is falling short of my expectations (based on my boss's opinion of himself).

The problem is that I've not seen anything (I've already been looking for a few weeks) and my boss is likely to block any internal move. There are a few reasons I don't want to move externally, but I have to be realistic and keep that option there.

The timing isn't great. My boss is off work this week for stress-related reasons, so landing this on his doorstep isn't ideal, however you don't get any Brownie points for worrying about other people. Indeed to worry about myself so, to directly quote KfW2... "Fuck him".

Wot?

Years ago, when I worked alongside QC2 and Friction Guy, we were... friends? I have difficulty classifying people, but I guess we were friends. Even so far as to socialise together. We had the same favourite bars and would often, albeit coincidentally, end up having an impromptu work night out as we'd be in the same place with our respective groups of (non-work) friends.

When I left for other opportunities, we stayed in contact, though the nights out with the three of us faded away. I would often meet up with QC2 on her own, while I would see Friction Guy with D, FBS etc.

It's hard to believe, even now, that QC2 and I spent almost an entire year not really talking to each other. We'd even have tea break with Friction Guy and not really communicate.

"I dunno why she's not talking to me," I confided in Friction Guy. "I don't think I've done owt wrong."

"You're reading too much into it" was his reply.

But I wasn't convinced. Eventually, I decided I had done something wrong and went about being friendly, but distant with her.

What I didn't know at the time was that QC2 was having almost exactly the same conversation with Friction Guy that I had been having. Somehow, at the same time, we'd both managed to convince each other that they'd done something to piss us off.

I can't even remember how we got back on track, just that one day, we were talking again and shortly after that, we resumed our "three musketeers" nights out.

Nor do I know why that popped into my head in the middle of a meeting this afternoon. But it did.

Demanding

For far too long, I've been suggesting to KfW2 that we go out for an adult day or night out. We used to do these regularly, then frequently once she started planning her wedding/got married to infrequently once she started a family.

The last adult night out we had was over 18 months ago. In the meantime, she's been out with various female friends including CC.

So, I took the bull by the horns today and suggested a date early next month. She's looking into it. I have slight concerns because her money is still tight. It'd be nice, though. I know she's as interested in an adult night out as I am, we always have really good nights out, so I'm hopeful that even if she can't make my proposed date, she'll have something else in mind.

It's only words.

I kinda bottled it today. I had planned on composing an email to my boss to inform him of my intent to move off the team to try something somewhere else. As you might have guessed, I didn't do that. I was super busy all day long and while I did start to write the email, I couldn't figure out the right wording. I don't need to say everything, but I want enough to start a conversation, if there's a conversation to have.

I like my work and team, but I'm fed up of watching the people around me get promoted while I do the same standard of work, but get ignored.

Who are you?

I've seen this quote pop up a few times over the past few days, mainly  but not exclusively, on Facebook.

I read a book that blew my mind. The main character goes crazy when he realises no one really knows him.

The gist is that the person you think of as "yourself" exists only for you, and even you don't really know who that is. Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of "you" in their heads. You're not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than you are to your coworkers, your neighbours or your friends. There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people's minds. A "you" exists in each version, and yet your "you", "yourself", isn't really a "someone" at all.

For reference, the book is "One, no one, a hundred thousand" by Luigi Pirandello. I've not read it so can't offer a recommendation or even tell you what it's about, other than it spawned this thought provoking quote.

And that got me to thinking. USHW and I have, in the past, thrown questions to each other. Not serious questions - lots of "what if" scenarios, or top lists and that kind of thing. One recent-ish (I think, I can't remember the exact timing) question was around super powers. That went on for a while. One of the mooted super powers was mind reading, and the quote above reminded me of that conversation.

It would be interesting to see how other people's perception of me differs or matches my own perception of myself.

Doctor, doctor, gimme the news...

I finally had my GP's appointment today. Somewhat predictably, I don't think it went very well. Most of that was because I didn't really know what I wanted to get out of it. KfW2 was hoping, I think, that my GP would give me a line to take time off work. That's not how my GP works and, to be honest, that's not really what I wanted either.

I did have a reason for going, though, after taking some health tests at work and being told that the results were not great and that some results might be stress-driven, including some physical issues.

I explained this to my GP and, surprisingly, he went off on a rant.

"What advice did they give you?"

"Advice? I got this printout with these numbers on it"

He ranted on. Then he looked at the printout. Cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar levels... He didn't even raise an eyebrow.

"They're slightly high, but nothing to be concerned about. You can easily rectify these with minor dietary adjustments."

He took my blood pressure. It was even lower than had been previously measured, despite the fact I'd walked to the surgery at a fairly brisk pace. Well, brisk for me.

The upshot was he suggested going back in a few months and taking some of the tests again, but he re-iterated that he wasn't that concerned with the numbers. He suggested exercise would help with the stress management and weight loss while the diet would help the figures as well as contribute to the weight loss.

I trundled off, somewhat confused and thinking I wasted his time - this was my thought - my GP had not given that impression at all.

I was halfway home when I remembered that I'd not mentioned my lack of sleep or the memory issues or the hearing issues, both of which have roots in my stress over the past 18 months. He did imply that the stress needs sorted though.

If nothing else, I can look my boss in the eye and tell him I've seen my GP about stress.