Socially speaking.

The work thing trundles on. Concerns are growing in general (not just me) that our new boss, despite many, many (minor) mistakes and no signs that things will get better that he will eventually fill a role as our permanent new manager in a few months once his initial probationary period is up.

On the bright side, we have a work night out this week and I'm hoping that CC, CH and KfW2 will be out. GB will probably be out as well and while my relationship with her has cooled (on my side, she is unaware that there is a problem), I still want (need) to close off the CB thing. I'm hoping that I can maybe get the girls involved in a conversation about my relationship status and take it from there. If that doesn't work, I'm still pretty clueless about how to bring up the subject out of the blue like this. Regardless of the conversation, I am looking forward to Friday already, purely from the social aspect.

I'm also trying to arrange a daytime thing at the end of the month with the same crowd plus a few extras like MF, S, GM etc. We've had a few of these in the past and they've always turned out to be really good fun and really well received.

I've also managed to get a hold of E over Facebook. She wasn't responding on Skype, presumably because she was never at her laptop, but it's been good to chat. However, she's difficult to talk to over text chat - like getting blood out of a stone (I know a few people who would level that accusation at me, quite fairly too), but when you talk to her on the phone or on Skype, she's a lot warmer, funnier and talkative. We've easily had two hour Skype conversations in the past.

Oh god.

Knowing that I was going to stay in last night and in my current funk, I got a few beers in to chill out with. Well, a crate of Beck's Vier bottles. 15 bottles. I started early, watching the football, then continued on. I was online for most of the night, hoping to catch E on Skype, but she wasn't about. I also continued on with a conversation I was having with USHW that was both fun and productive. I wouldn't say that I was out of my current funk after the conversation with USHW, but I have a couple of things sorted in my head which is at least a step forward and a couple of tentative plans. I was also horrendously drunk. By the end of the evening (long before the end of the evening actually), I had drank all of the beer. That's practically 9 pints... then I had a few gins on top of that. Suffice to say I was way more drunk than I should have been (and like to be) when I eventually went to bed at 3:15AM.

Still... bar my typing which fell apart around midnight, the conversation made sense and we covered a lot of ground. We often do cover lots of things. Our frankness with each other enables us to cut out a lot of crap and just get to the core of the topics we discuss. Sometimes I kinda wish I could be like that with other people. I'm close to KfW2, and she often comments about how little I talk about myself and that any time she does get personal stuff out of me, it's like getting blood from a stone. I appreciate that this is my problem, not something anyone else can fix and in CH and KfW2, there are two people I feel comfortable enough with to consider opening up more to. My relationship with CH is based more on cheeky chat and having fun rather than sitting down and discussing issues though, so I don't know if it's wise to try and change a dynamic that works perfectly well.

And while my head's been fuzzy due to lack of proper sleep, I managed to avoid a hangover today.

A question, if I may?

I have a problem. It's been implied in posts here before, but I can't remember if I ever stated it outright. The problem is this... when I want to talk about a subject, especially one that's bothering me or has personal resonance, I find it hard to bring it up in conversation out of the blue. Take the CB thing that started off at the beginning of the year. I still have no resolution. I've mentioned here that I am slightly concerned that I still think about it/her. Nothing has been said since GB spoke to MFF and MFF was going to speak to someone else about how to move forward. I have no idea if MFF ever had that conversation and the whole thing is just one large black hole.

You see, I kinda think I need resolution on this because I'm stubborn. I was going to say that I don't actually care what the outcome is, just that there's an outcome, but that's a small fib. Of course I'd like an introduction to a really cute brunette with a view to a date. I'm not going to get resolution without speaking to either GB or MFF and that's where I run into my problem... how do I approach this subject out of the blue (and from my perspective given that we're now 4 full months into the year, this should have been sorted by the end of February IMO)?

Cabin Fever (Update 2)

Typical. S's plans changed last night and he sent a text inviting me out with him and one of his mates. However, the place they were planning on going to was a club that I don't particularly like, music-wise. That's a moot point though because while the text was sent at around 7PM, I didn't actually see it until after 2AM, so the opportunity was lost.

Gratuitous Jessica Alba post.

According to IMDB.com, it's Jessica Alba's birthday today. Happy Birthday!

Cabin Fever (update)

Sadly, no calls from GM. I put the feelers out to S about just coming to mine for a drink - if I can't go out, I can at least be sociable, but he's off to a birthday party (I would have invited GM but there are issues with him and MfW). I had tried to get M and MM out this weekend as well, but they're unavailable due to a family thing, but I have at least got a tentative agreement about seeing them soon. FP is unavailable due to work commitments, and I really must see him soon as it's been months since we last had a pint together. DSC is still both ill and in a grumpy mood, so she won't come out... and I'm struggling to actually think of anyone else I could possible have asked to go out tonight - most of the people I know are settled with kids or simply don't go out an awful lot these days. It's really restricting my options about getting out to the pub.

A recent anniversary of sorts reminded me that I have to get QC2 out soon. It's been a few months since I last say her, so I'll send her a text before the weekend's out.

I have a few beers in the house... I sense a bit of alcohol fuelled melancholy coming on.

Cabin fever.

The past few weeks, I've been trying to get GM and S out for social drinks but they've been hard to pin down. S was out last night at a gig (and he's recently started dating a new girl) and GM is saving for a holiday in September.

However, I'm kinda hoping that one of them will be in contact about heading out tonight - it might be a bit cool here, but it's bright and sunny. It's a good night to be out and about, not stuck in the house, in my opinion.

That time of year again.

I think that I'm entering another funk related to my relationship status. I don't know if anything has prompted it, though there have been a few thoughts about KfW2's wedding (it's too late to get a date for it obviously, but a wedding is always a good event to have a date for). There's been a bit of bantering on Facebook with KfW2 and a blonde friend of MM (I've mentioned her before) and CH has promised that she's coming to our next work night out AND she has promised to stay out as late as possible. KfW2 and CH are spoken for obviously, but MM's blonde friend is fair game even if she does live in another country... and the banter with CH always has an edge of flirting to it.

CB popped up again in my Facebook "people you might know" list last night, and there's still a fair bit of frustration there too.

These funks have been more regular over the past few months, possibly a sign that I actively want to find someone - certainly when I was trying to engineer a meeting with CB at the start of the year, that's kinda what I had in mind.

Coming into the summer with the lighter evenings and better weather always put me in mind to meet someone, so it's all a combination of the above... and possibly more too.

An eventful few days.

It's been an eventful few days. DSC cried off our lunch meeting, claiming illness. While I wouldn't say that I was expecting her to back out, I wasn't surprised when she did. When things aren't going her way, she has a tendency to withdraw, more so than with others. Sometimes I feel that she should make more of an effort so that she simply doesn't sit indoors and focus on the negative - often getting out and having a change of scenery and some company is enough.

Work is interesting (as in "may you live in interesting times") and our new management structure is failing again. For the second time in a matter of weeks, I've seen our new manager essentially lie to other team members. I am starting to have serious concerns about this new guy's competence and I am giving thought to airing my concerns to people higher up the management chain in work tomorrow.

I also got a call from KfW2 early yesterday. In between talking about various things, KfW2 told me of something that happened to her within the past week, namely one of her closest friends in the world has decided that she can't be friends any more. KfW2 is devastated and was in tears while she spoke to me on the phone - this all came out of the blue and her friend took the rather cowardly way out by not talking about this face-to-face. She's obviously thought about this for a while, though her reasons seem shallow and inaccurate at best. I've cut people out of my life before because it seemed to me that I was putting more into the friendships than they were for far too long, but I simply stopped getting in contact, removing them from Facebook and the like - I've never sent someone what amounts to a "Dear John" letter.

I met up with KfW2 later - she was out with friends nearby and invited me down to join them and we ended up pretty toasted by the end of the night. It was last minute, unplanned and as these things usually are, very good fun. I think it helped KfW2 as well, by taking her mind off it for a while and it was only discussed very briefly. My head hurts today though.

Three drinks is never enough.

I was sitting on work a few days ago when CC pinged me over our Instant Messenger. She was meeting KfW2 after work, but she wasn't due to finish for ages, so would I mind joining her for a drink? I had already made tentative plans to go to the cinema with S and his intolerably dull friend, but a quick drink with CC while she was waiting for KfW2 really couldn't hurt...

Until I text S about 90 minutes later and told him that I wouldn't be doing the cinema because I was still in the pub with CC and KfW2.

I wasn't out all night, but enough to get a few drinks in (on an empty stomach) which just ended up leaving me tipsy, horny and frustrated. Three drinks is never enough - it's enough to get you in the mood for a proper night out, but it's just tough to stop there.

FFS.

A few weeks ago I essentially laid down the law with DSC after her breakup. We were going to go out. She wasn't in the mood for socialising, she said. I didn't care, I said. We checked our diaries and it would be nearly three weeks before we could meet. She was adamant that she wasn't going to the pub. I told her that I wasn't making the arrangements there and then, that she had to keep an open mind and I'd call her and we'd make plans closer to the time.

She agreed to that without too much of a fight and I left it on the back burner, just reminding her that she could call, text or visit any time she wanted a chat or a rant. I had too much going on myself to worry too much and DSC does tend to retreat into herself when things aren't good.

When I called her tonight she seemed in good form, if a little tired sounding. We talked about this weekend (our arranged meeting) and then the bombshell was dropped... she'd moved back in with her boyfriend. WTF? I demanded. Did I not tell you about...? She started to ask. I interrupted her and explained that she's pretty much disappeared on me for the past four weeks, despite my own prompting.

I don't think I was angry sounding, but I guess she picked up on something in my tone and told me that she'd explain everything at the weekend. We're not going pubbing and clubbing as I'd hoped, but settling back into our lunch routine. She says she's not in the mood, but I kinda think that she needs to step out of this self-imposed comfort/buffer zone she's created.

The weekend will answer some questions, but I already know that others have been asked.

*yawn*

I'm really tired. I've recently returned from a brief trip out of the city to visit a friend, BR. M was meant to go too, but cried off at the last minute. He claimed an injury, but really I think he just wanted to see his family as he hasn't had a lot of personal time recently with a new job (and who can blame him).

I was hoping that I could meet up with a friend of MM's - a stunning blonde girl that I semi-know myself from work - but that never worked out. She had said that she would come out when I asked her, and seemed pretty keen too, but then she never got in contact again to confirm details. I was mildly annoyed at the time - I'd always thought she was more reliable than that, but meh.

Still, I had a good few chats with BR over many, many drinks. He was filled in on the CB thing, not because I am talking to all and sundry about it, but because my friends always ask if there are any females in my life (specifically in a romantic way) and she is the closest thing I can report on the matter. I can't think off hand of anyone else that I am interested in. Oh, and I also mentioned the E thing, because BR knows E very well.

We talked about the lack of finality, how GB and MFF have been useless at following up or even letting me know what has been said and what would happen if I saw CB out and about again  (nothing, for the record) and it was just a really good couple of days, chilling out with mates.

I have nothing else planned for the near future except for a family thing at the weekend and, before that, I'm hoping to get DSC out for a bit so that she might have some fun. She says that the breakup is still playing on her mind, so I can see her suggesting lunch and a few hours of shopping rather than an full on night out that I'd hoped she'd find fun.

That time when no news is good news.

I was presented with two pieces of news today.

The first is that my friend G's wife has early stage of breast cancer. All the diagnosis and treatment etc. starts next week, so I wish them both all the best. It's one of the more common varieties and has been caught in the very early stages, so fingers crossed that things won't be too difficult for G and the entire family over the next few weeks or months.

The other bit was that at a recent party of GB's, she managed to hook up with S. This is all top secret though, and CH has sworn me to secrecy, so you never heard that from me, right?

I'm worried about DSC as well... she's been very quiet over the past few weeks as she "gets her head around" the breakup. She often claims she's not in the mood for chat or company, but sometimes I think getting out and about would be the best thing for her.

And before I forget, CH briefly started a "you should meet someone" conversation, before she had to leave work. Seeing as we don't seem to communicate outside of work and work-related social events, this won't get picked up again any time soon. It would have been interesting to see where that conversation went...

And another thing...

Oh, and related to my last post from last night, I completely overlooked that CH was meant to be setting me up with a friend of hers, but that never came about either (and I was officially never meant to know about it).

In other news, I am finding myself becoming frequently less tolerant of GB, though I've not yet made that clear. The past few months have seen me give more as a friend than receiving - offering advice, feedback and help on a recent training course, listening to her complaints and offering advice on job-related woes and things like that. So, off the back of my recent complaint about lop-sided friendships, this is now starting to grind my gears...

More or less "girls, girls, girls"?

I put together a rather substantial post last night regarding my previous post and it got lost when my PC suddenly installed updates without warning. Ho hum.

Off the back of my previous post, I was reminded of a statement I read (probably on the online forum of which I am a member) where someone said (and I paraphrase here):

"If you are good friends with a woman who has single friends and she's never tried to set you up with any of them, then there's something wrong".

While I'm not going to get into whether or not this person is actually right or wrong, it did cause me to think. I've always had a lot of female friends and as far as I can remember I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times one of my female friends actually tried to set me up (and KfW2's recent offer and GB with CB since the turn of the year don't count).

• I got AM a summer job at my place when she was at uni. She met a cute girl there who apparently was quite into me. AM didn't tell me until after their contracts ended, we were on our way home and I never saw her again.
• QC1 made a half-assed attempt to get me to go on a blind date. "She was perfect for me" she said, but yet wouldn't entertain just bringing her out socially. It HAD to be a blind date.
• E had hoped that I'd get it on with her friend R3 and made at least one clumsy effort to get us together. R3 admitted later that, at the same time, she had hoped that E and I would get together because we were natural together, but I don't recall any actual effort when I was present. Neither happened.
• KfW once tried to get me to get off with her friend when we were in the bar. Her friend was having the same conversation with me when KfW was at the bar.
• DSC did ask CF if she'd fuck me one night we were all out and CF was horny. Sadly, she didn't want to.

And, well, that's it. Five times over the course of twenty odd years of being seriously interested in girls. I don't know if I should be disappointed or if there were more discussions that went on behind the scenes that I am unaware of. Given that I haven't ever scored with a friend of a female friend (RB doesn't count as I only knew MF long after RB had gone away), I'm probably going to assume that these conversations never happened.

Girls, girls, girls.

While out with KfW2, we somehow got onto the subject of my relationship status. More accurately, me meeting women. KfW2 suggested that she might set me up with one of her friends who was particularly well endowed in the old chest department. My first thought was that she was talking about CC, but that's not the case - she has another friend who also matches that description. I voiced my usual concerns - no blind dates etc. so KfW2 completely ignored me and put it to the rest of the work people that she thinks she should do it, which got a resounding YES. Seeing as we were downing tequilas in the pub before the end of the evening, I don't know if she actually remembers.

I can't remember the girls name, so I've no idea of it's legitimately a good or a bad idea because I can't go Facebook stalking.

We also got onto the subject of her upcoming wedding and her plans for adding to her family and it kinda made me sad because she won't be hanging around, which means another friend "disappears" (not literally of course, but there'll be no more nights out, all day drinking sessions in the pub etc.)

Still no answers.

I got to talk to CH today and the conversation turned to GB, though not for the reasons that I wanted to. We were talking about the amount of time that GB spends on Facebook, and when you notice it, it's really quite bad. It's not enough that during her own time she's seemingly on it all the time, but on nights out and stuff, she's always spending 5 minutes here and there, checking updates. It's not like she ever posts anything of interest - 95% of her Facebook activity is sharing posts from her friends (all dull) or posting some shit e-cards from someecards all about how strong women don't give a fuck while they stuff their faces.

Eventually, I managed to tell CH about GB's accusation, but CH just laughed and said that it was true. Sometimes, that's the problem with CH... our relationship is built on poking fun at each other, so that talking about more serious issues can be hard work.

Part of me is disappointed that CH never asked for a progress report on CB after I mentioned the accusation - she knew that MFF was going to ask questions with CB's friends and that GB and I had been talking about CB in general. In fact, no-one who knows about our mutual Facebook connection has ever asked for an update, and that kinda disappoints me.

The never-ending story.

KfW2 sent me a message this morning saying that she'd had a brainwave about my current GB-related "dilemma". I think KfW2 thinks my issue with GB is a lot more serious than it actually is and that it's putting pressure on my friendship with GB. It's not, but the comments themselves are out of character for GB and add to my recent concerns about the lack of movement in the CB drama.

KfW2 said that the comments were hurtful and not really very nice - that's correct and neither was the tone used - but that it's out of character for GB and maybe I'm taking them to heart more because it's hitting me where I am vulnerable.

I think KfW2's spot on, actually. GB's comments are annoying rather than anything else because I was optimistic about CB. I would still like an introduction, but I have no idea what, if anything, has been said to her. While I have done my best to avoid any kind of Facebook stalking (for want of a better phrase), I notice that her profile is no longer open for public viewing. I don't know if that's because she thinks someone (i.e. me) is FB stalking or if she had it less secure by accident and has rectified that. I honestly hadn't been anywhere near her profile beyond verifying that the girl I saw in the original picture was her - I was trying not to tempt fate... and anyway, GB  and USHW were doing the stalking for me. It's still enough to make me a little paranoid though.

A later discussion with, amongst others, CH has suggested that GB was more than just a little drunk both times, so if I do decide to have a word with her, she might not remember. Being drunk doesn't excuse her for saying those things, by the way. If something's bothering her, being drunk has just made her vocalise it.

I never said to KfW2 that she was correct, at least not completely. I should have, of course, but when she asked what was bothering me, with the stuff I did mention, I neglected say that I am currently in one of my "wanting to meet someone" stages and that it is bothering me a lot more than it has done in the past... maybe because it coincided with the small albeit realistic chance of meeting CB. (And for the record, other things that are bothering me about this are: not talking to CB in the pub originally and the fact that I'm still annoyed by the entire scenario - 40-ish posts on this blog about someone I've never actually met/talked to and last saw three months ago, both of which I've also not shared with KfW2 or anyone, for that matter).

Surprising myself

Unusually for me, I opened up to KfW2 immediately. Well, not immediately, but the first time we had any kind of privacy. I explained about the accusation last week and the barbed comment the week before, though I neglected to mention the lack of movement with the CB thing. KfW2's suggestion is that it was just banter between friends. I see where she's coming from, but it doesn't sit with me. While the comments themselves can be construed in different way, it's the tone that was used that getting me. I'm still at a loss why this may be the case and whether or not this ties into the lack of CB movement. I think I'll try and speak to GM, then talk to GB if required.

Socially speaking.

There's more going on, socially, this month that's already planned, even after my somewhat barren holiday weekend. I'm out with work this coming weekend, including KfW2. It'll be interesting to see how that all turns out, what with the recent work-related issues and the ongoing morale problem.

Regardless of the fact that I want to get GM for a chat, it'd be good to get him out for a few drinks too - we always have good, fun, interesting times when we're out.If I'm ever going meet someone on a night out, then I think my chances of doing so increase greatly when I'm out with GM - there's just an atmosphere generated by us where I'm open to more happening, I think.

I'm trying to get DSC out near the end of the month, hopefully at night, for a fun night out, to blow her head clean from the fallout from her recent breakup with her long-term boyfriend. I've been trying to coax her out for the last few weeks, but she's been busy.

Those are the tentative plans that I have in place or am trying to get in place for this month at least. On top of that there will be at least one more work night out, possibly with CH and a couple of family things that should add up to a busy and interesting April.

It's good to talk.

Another weekend of sitting in, made worse by the fact that I did actually want to go out and that it was a holiday weekend, albeit one with no real significant meaning. Apart from a few hours yesterday off visiting the family and an aborted trip to the gym today, I've sat in all weekend. Not that it's been a total disaster - both house mates have gone away for the weekend, so I've had peace and quiet and can do whatever I please. The downside is that I am bored and have too much time contemplating various things that have been playing on my mind recently, but without an outlet to share them with.

I'll be talking to CH or KfW2 this week, I think, and they're two good people to talk to. I just need to figure out how to explain my unease with GB (unease is the wrong word, but something's not sitting right with me with GB after her recent comments). KfW2 might be tickled because her fiancé has been poking (good natured) fun for ages, suggesting that GB and I are a good match (we're not, but that's another story) and I think my concern is that GB is harbouring feelings, hence her catty remarks recently and lack of movement with CB. I don't know if KfW2 or CH have any solutions or advice, but at the very least it'll be nice to share the concerns.

Obviously, this is only a gut feeling, so I don't want anything to be getting back to GB in case I am wrong, but I want to talk to the people I am comfortable talking to - CH, KfW2 or, preferably GM. There's something else bothering me off the back of what GB said last week, but I can't quite put my finger on it. That's something else to try and figure out.