A blast from the past

Over the years, USHW and I have had many chats about my romantic history. There has been talk about regrets, missed opportunities and a lot of other things. I've even covered some of them here.

While I think I've covered every important crush, date, partner or one night stand during the many different conversations, obviously some are never going to be mentioned simply because they were uneventful or not worth pondering over afterwards.

A post by a friend of mine earlier was surprising. She posted a picture of herself with her closest friend. A friend who had gone to uni with AM and QC1. A friend who I had been massively attracted to for a spell in the early Nineties and yet I'd completely forgotten about.

We'd come close to getting together a few times when I'd gone to visit AM at her uni and we'd gone out to the pub with her flatmates, but it just never seemed to work out.

I can't believe that I'd essentially forgotten that she even existed.

Back and forth.

On the Tuesday before Xmas, Sports Girl popped up on Whatsapp. She was talking about New Year's Eve plans. The conversation lasted a lot longer than recent conversations had. Well, longer than any conversation we'd had since she started dating GM.

Four hours later, the the conversation was still going strong. This harks back to our pre-GM conversations. In fact, it reminded me of a time that I was visiting KfW2, back when I was considering SG as a physical option, just before Xmas last year, where she was sending messages at a rate of like 1 per minute. My phone was constantly making alert noises and vibrating. KfW2 was amazed.

And as soon as she became official with GM (after a few months of friends with benefits, if I read it right), the conversations just stopped.

So the sudden intense conversation made me more than a little suspicious, especially a conversation that was trying to arrange a social event.

I shifted the conversation towards S and GM.

"What are their thoughts on NYE?", I asked.

"We've split up" was her reply.

I was sympathetic, but in my opinion, a break up is inevitable. Their relationship is so intense and they already spend every spare minute in each others company. I've already suggested here that SG is flaky, though that seems to be dialled in with GM. Their supposed reasons for breaking up were GM's constant moodiness (he's suffered from depression in the past) and SG's sensitivity. SG supposedly had issues with GM having a female as a live-in tenant. A female that GM briefly dated years back. They're close friends now, but SG seemingly couldn't handle that.

With the knowledge that SG and GM had split, I stepped back from the NYE talk. GM is more my friend than SG and I'd far rather spend NYE with him than her.

I confirmed as much as I could with GM without admitting how much SG has shared. Before I got a chance to talk to GM about NYE though, the Xmas holidays came.

My concern was wasted. Seemingly, over Xmas, they've patched things up - lots of gushing messages on Facebook and an actual Facebook relationship announcement.

I still don't see how it has legs and if it does end, it will be a massive blow up. They live too much in each other's lives for it to be anything else really.

SG is back into full-on NYE mode. Both SG and GM will be out, as will FC, his wife and hopefully S.

Missed opportunity?

A planned night out with FP last night saw us in one of my favourite bars. The bar where I first set eyes on CB, actually.

We had literally just arrived when I spotted a really nice brunette sitting at a table with her friends. She looked like a cross between a girl I'd seen on one of the dating apps (who, in turn looks kinda like KfW2) and MMBF, though not as attractive as any of those mentioned. She was wearing a plain black dress and a pair of OTK boots. FP and I were appreciative of the OTK boots.

As I've repeatedly mentioned here, it's rare that someone will really pique my interest in real life. I can't remember the last time it happened, so I was trying to summon the courage to chat to her. My confidence was a little high - I'd already been given a kiss on the cheek and a great hug from a cute redhead for carrying some drinks for her. And FP was trying to talk me into it as well. However, I'd already seen a guy approach the group and be what appeared to be brutally shot down.

FP and I left shortly after the guy had been sent away with his tail between his legs, the brunette was still chatting and laughing with her friends.

Lazy, lazy.

I was considering posting a completely uninteresting piece of information a few weeks ago after I had caught a 24 hour virus. That snippet of uninteresting information was that I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've spent all day in bed or even all day in my pyjamas. I certainly can't remember any time in my adult life beyond a night with FBS or a few times with FA2 that I've done it on my own without any... errr... persuasion. Even lazy days see me fully dressed, even if I have no intention of leaving the house.

However today, that number has increased a fair bit - another day spent totally in bed, just reading and a further few days of sitting around in my night clothes.

Hmmm... I'd far rather that I was reporting more FBS/FA2 reasons for the hibernation but sadly not.

A Christmas Digest (Part 1?)

Another digest of sorts, covering the entire week. It's been eventful.

It started off badly. Fresh off returning home from KfW2's house, I was in bad form all of Sunday. It was nothing but tiredness. Well... not really. Something resurfaced on Saturday night that hasn't shown its face for quite a few years - my non-platonic feelings towards KfW2. While that in itself is not an issue - they were put back in their box sharpish and I don't feel guilty about these feelings nor do they trouble me - the issue is, unsurprisingly, this put me into a funk.

But it was mostly tiredness.

On Monday, while I was having coffee with KfW2, D called. That's never a good sign - we usually email or text. Friction Guy's father had passed away and the funeral was on the Wednesday. In addition, D had a couple of tickets that he and Friction Guy were going to use on the Tuesday, would I mind going instead? It wasn't my cup of tea, but it might be interesting enough, so I agreed. In addition, and out of the blue, SG messaged me on Whatsapp. Some small talk for an hour before she went quiet again. Why bother? It's a little sad - we were close. We messaged a lot for about 6 months and got quite close. Our conversations were quite personal - opening up to each other. For it all to go quiet almost over night has been frustrating and disappointing.

As I was taking myself off to bed, I wasn't feeling 100%. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was wrong. An hour after I went to sleep, I woke. Every fibre in me ached. When I lay still, it hurt. When I moved, it hurt. I was also running a bit of a temperature. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that, again, while it wasn't queasiness, was definitely not right. I tossed and turned and lay still most of the night. I don't think I got a lot of sleep - the odd fifteen minute doze here and there, but nothing significant or refreshing.

Soon, it was time  to get up, to get ready to go into work. I'd already decided to work from home on the Tuesday, but wasn't going to let work know until after I'd had a shower. Maybe a long hot shower would wash away this, well, whatever it was. I wouldn't find out. As I let the shower run through, I felt the need to make an urgent detour into the toilet where the previous night's dinner made a surprising reappearance. Urgh.

So, working from home then. I was only twenty minutes into my first batch of emails when I knew that I'd have to take a half day. The lack of sleep and general not-wellness was proving to be too much, but that led to a dilemma. I had planned on taking a half day on the Wednesday for Friction Guy's dad's funeral and to get ready for the Xmas party. If I were going to take a half day to try and rid myself of this awful virus thing (Norovirus had been suggested, though it seemed too mild to be that bad boy), then I'd not be able to make the funeral. It wasn't really a decision I could make though - it had been made for me. I spent all of Tuesday afternoon in bed, but thankfully started feeling better around 8 PM.

I was nearly back to normal on Wednesday morning. I wasn't sure if it were simply lack of sleep or the virus, but I was hopefully on the mend. I had to be - that evening was our works Xmas party. Ultimately, while I usually enjoy these things, I was underwhelmed this year. I think it was mostly because I was coming off the back of the 24-hour virus and a lack of sleep that had been plaguing me, for various reasons, since the previous weekend. A couple of the highlights/more interesting points to note:

• CH was there! She doesn't work with us anymore but was there to pick up OK and MFF - her old coffee clan. That in itself says it all - while I would have to fight to get CH alone, she used to do coffee with these people twice a day (as well as car share twice daily). We chatted for about ten minutes but it felt a little forced, at least from my perspective. Remember, I'm still waiting for her to arrange a coffee from our last contact at the end of August.
• KfW2 was as stunning as ever.
• I had suggested to KfW2 that if she wanted to stay at mine, then my spare room had finally been decorated and furnished. She had been due to stay at CC's, but CC had cancelled for personal (and understandable) reasons. KfW2 refused a couple of times before admitting that she had issues with people talking and what they would think if she took me up on my offer.
• Some of the HR girls scrubbed up really well. KfW2 disagreed.
• A cute, albeit horrendously drunk girl tried to chat me up as I was leaving for my pre-booked taxi, so I couldn't follow through to see what happened. Stories emerged the next day from IG that the drunk girl had subsequently ended up kissing some other bloke.

I was meant to be at a friend's house on Friday, but WhatsApp was a hive of activity on Friday from SG, GM, S and FC. The upshot was that SG, GM and S all went out to the pub on Friday night. I didn't get involved in the arrangements because I had my friend's thing, but that got cancelled at the last minute and I simply couldn't face the crowds in town. Plus... I find it hard to give SG any time these days. It's the fact that she's effectively disappeared off the face of the planet since she got together with GM with only the odd snatched conversation in between.

I have had a couple of days off though, my sleep is almost back to normal and this week, at work, I've pretty much nothing on. By the end of tomorrow, I hope that my Xmas shopping will be done and I can get it wrapped and forget all about it.

Surprise!

"Wanna meet for a drink?"

It was KfW2. I knew she was out - doing a posh hotel afternoon tea with a friend. I wasn't expecting her to hang around afterwards though, never mind contact me. Having had only two hours of sleep the previous night due to a work thing that started at 3AM, I was dead on my feet and ready for a quiet night in. However, time alone with KfW2 is at a premium now, especially with alcohol, so after making sure she was not going to go home after 1 drink, I acquiesced.

We spent a good few hours talking, drinking and having a laugh. We covered a lot of general ground and avoided work talk and even managed to talk about CC's tits. We both, I think, realised that we have much more in common than we had thought (and we do have a lot in common already). One of the topics raised was something that I've talked about with USHW - I rely too much on people noticing that something's wrong when I'm in a funk, for instance, and would like people to pro-actively help out. KfW2 was admitting to something similar, though she had a specific example in mind - getting her family to offer to do some baby-sitting. As it stands, it's their friends who are helping out and as someone who's very family orientated, the lack of family volunteering is concerning her.

On the way round to leaving KfW2 off at the bus stop, she managed to talk me into going home with her. Her hubby and his mate were at hers, drinking. She was having fun and wanted the night to continue. I was sceptical. It's a 45 minute journey to KfW2's and it was likely that she'd go to bed after a short time leaving me with her hubby and his mate. I don't have any problem with KfW2's hubby - we get along really well and he's a very likeable fella, but it's an awful lot of inconvenience for the benefit of extending my enjoyable night out with KfW2 by a couple of hours.

Even as the bus approached, I really didn't know what I was going to do... until I found myself handing over a fiver and asking for a single to KfW2's home town. We got back to hers and the night continued. There was a brief period where KfW2 and her hubby disappeared. At a guess, they had a quickie, which raised some emotions temporarily. They both returned and it was probably after 3 AM by the time I got to sleep and it was an early start - shortly after 8 AM. We had to wait for the bus which wasn't due for a few hours, so it was lunchtime by the time I got back to my house.

I've been walking around like a zombie all day long. I don't often say this, but roll on bedtime.

Fatigue.

Mentally, I'm exhausted. Over the past year, I've been trying to engage with managers about recognising what I bring to my team in work. And I bring a lot. Without going into too much detail, I have more responsibility than anyone else in the team and the work that I deliver is as good as anyone else's, even those who are at a higher grade than I. Even considering areas like mentoring and technical expertise, I compare more than favourably with team members. Getting my managers to admit to this and have this reflected in my end of year score (which then has a direct influence on things like pay rises, promotion opportunities and bonus payments) is proving almost impossible though. Goals are constantly moved. Manager’s scores are subjective rather than objective. I can put forward as many logical arguments as I want, but that ultimately means very little when people cannot justify their own scoring system, but won't admit to its failings. I can, though, objectively prove my claims above regarding responsibilities and quality of work.

However, within the last 24 hours, the situation has been exacerbated by a recent change in internal policy. Supposedly a lot of salaries were reviewed based on, yup, last year's scores and employees' responsibilities at a manager level rather than HR level as had been the case previously. I've not been reviewed, at least, not yet. It's possible that the meetings are slowly taking place and I could yet be told that I am graded higher or have had a salary adjustment, but my gut says otherwise. And without blowing my own trumpet, my gut is usually pretty damned accurate.

This year's scores are still four to six weeks away, but a realignment right now would have been a good litmus test to what I might expect. And if I've still not had a review meeting with a manager by end of day tomorrow, then that expectation will be set low and the likelihood of me having to go to HR with a complaint becomes much higher.

This is in addition to the holiday period. It's getting to me more this year. Whilst I've always disliked the Xmas season, I've tolerated it... but if I could crawl into bed tonight and come out on Jan 3rd, I'd take that option right now. It has felt as if things have been far too much hard work this year. Things that should be simple have taken way more work, time, perseverance and energy than they should. It's not just the work thing, but even getting KfW2 out for drinks, or the wasted time with Sports Girl before she started dating GM as other examples.

Pause.

The shoulder injury I've previously talked about is still bothering me. It's getting better, but very slowly. That's already impacted my goal of returning to yoga. What I will try and do until the shoulder clears up is stick with core exercises and couple that with some outdoors walking.

Once the shoulder clears up, then get into light weights and my yoga, plus keep up the core and possibly walking as well.

I'm finding it hard to get motivated though. There are still some other issues on my mind, mainly work stuff, so by the time I get home after work, I'm mentally exhausted.

Happy talk.

I visited KfW2 last night. Rather, when she heard that I was blowing off another social engagement, she asked me to visit. So, I arrived, with alcohol in hand as she was bathing and putting the kids to bed. I got roped into helping and ended up soaking wet and tired after nearly an hour of playing with three infants.

With the kids out of the way and KfW2's husband off at a work event, we spent a very enjoyable evening chatting, drinking and eating.

When we have time and privacy, as we did last night, or when we're in the pub, I feel our conversations have much more value - we tend to get into the more personal stuff quicker and avoid small talk and last night was no exception. These conversations are completely different to those we have on a day to day basis in work, for example.

We made some tentative plans for Christmas and shortly into the New Year, covered some family stuff and it was just a really pleasant night. It was something I needed and, importantly, I think it was something that KfW2 needed as well.

If KfW2 hadn't had an early social event today, it felt like we (or I) could have talked until sunrise, so I kinda feel that the night ended too early.

That has led to a bit of a funk, but it's hardly unexpected. When I have these nights with KfW2 (or GM or CH in the past) where we end up getting into a heart to heart conversation, it always reminds me how lonely I am and how infrequent these conversations are. With the Christmas period looming, when I always tend to feel lonely, I've no doubt that's had an influence as well.

So near and yet so far.

I've often mentioned, or possibly complained, about how small the place is where I live. Co-incidences that seem to astound my friends who live elsewhere are part and parcel of my day. When it comes to six degrees of separation, where I live, that's drastically reduced down to possibly two, three tops.

CB and RB are two prime examples of this, as is S's recent but now ex-girlfriend (see this post). So, it's really not surprising when, for example, someone who's interested me on any of the online dating sites or apps pops up on my Facebook feed.

In a roundabout way, it was one of the girls I messaged about four weeks ago. She never messaged back, sadly.

It can be frustrating to have someone share mutual friends - CB is a prime example - and yet not really be able to leverage that.

Something-a-like.

Over the years, when chatting to people, especially those online, it's always difficult to describe people. I tend to try and use famous people - celebrities, sports personalities etc. to generally describe those I've interacted with.

Over the past two weeks I've seen people in pictures who, vaguely, resemble people mentioned on this blog.

TV presenter, Helen Skelton, reminds me of RB.

And I recently saw a picture of American film and TV actress, Alison Brie, where she really reminded me of CH. It was a screengrab, actually, from something called "How to be Single". I can't find the screengrab in question, so have a different picture of the lovely Ms. Brie when she doesn't look like CH.

While Helen Skelton does generally resemble RB (if you squint a little), I think, or vice versa, there's no way that CH is an Alison Brie lookalike beyond them both having cracking figures and maybe a similar smile.

Speaking of CH, there's been no word from her in months. The ball was left in her court to get in contact to arrange a coffee date, but apart from playing word games, we've not been in touch.

Looking forward.

Now that the heating's fixed and on, I can finally move forward with other plans. The first is that the house needs cleaned. I've barely touched it in the past six weeks or so because of the decorating. That's pencilled in for this weekend. Over the weekend and into next week, I'll begin to formulate a fitness plan that will include some dietary tweaks, my yoga programme and maybe some light weights on top of that. All stuff I can do at home, hopefully. I've been carrying a shoulder injury for the past few weeks that's slowly getting better. I've no idea what caused it, just that my shoulder was really painful if I was putting on my coat or putting weight on my left arm. With any luck that should have cleared up enough to start on light exercise.

This is the stuff I thought I was going to be able to do around the start of October with a view of starting to see results around now, but the decorating took much longer than expected (mainly due to my mum's health issues that meant my dad could only help out for like an hour at a time before having to return home).

I still have some minor work to do with regards decorating - furnishing the two bedrooms and getting curtains for all three decorated rooms, for example, but these shouldn't take too long to sort. It's just money, though this month has been expensive as all my decorating costs have caught up with me with Christmas just around the corner.

Some good, some bad.

Finally, I have heat in the house!

The bad is that the new part the original heating guy installed is noisy. Really noisy. I'm probably going to have to call him back to reinstall the old part he took off OR the new heating guy says he'll give me one for free, so I'd just have to pay him to install it.

If it's annoying me in a few weeks, I think I'll take that latter option.

Close...

USHW and KfW2 both, seperately, keep asking me about DSC and whether or not I'm going to reply to her. I've no strong feelings either way and the reason I haven't done so already is simply because I have other things to worry about. Even if I do message her again, there's no real desire to actually meet up and socialise.

Last night, after watching Jessica Alba and getting a stirring in the loins, I actually pondered writing a message. I didn't know what to say and five minutes later, was side-tracked by something else.

Ho hum.

Maybe another time.

Keeping the cold at bay.

OK, so it might be a Wednesday night, but I'm sitting here with a beer and a blanket wrapped round me (I've got a different heating guy coming tomorrow for a second opinion) watching Mechanic: Resurrection. Jason Statham movies are always good fun and this one has the lovely Jessica Alba in it as well. In a bikini.

In. A. Bikini.

No news is bad news.

The heating saga continues as the heating engineer seems to think everything is working and the problems are easily solvable by me. This is not the case and I've gone through a couple of potential solutions from the internet to solve the supposed problem - an airlock in the system.

I'm also a bit angry and stressed because of the work thing. I'm getting more and more information to suggest that rewards at work are being given out subjectively rather than objectively. The company promises that the system is objective, but if you step back and look at the system, it can't possibly be.

For example, if one of my goals for the year is "Be kind", how can you possibly measure that? How can I say that I have been kinder than anyone else on my team? How do you challenge that, when the supposed results are secret?

Boss: "Derek was kinder than you, Fred."
Ruuude: "Not from where I'm sitting. Derek did very little in the kindness stakes and kept himself to himself. Here's a list of examples where I can prove I did it."
Boss: "Well, that's the results."
Ruuude: "Show your working out."
Boss: "I can't. It's confidential."

I mean, how are you meant to query that? No matter what logic or evidence you supply, you run up against a brick wall. That's what gotten me angry. I know that other people have received good feedback from managers etc. but nothing better than mine. Yet the impression that I'm getting from my manager is that I will score poorer in comparison yet again this year.

Some good, some bad.

There's good and bad news tonight. Firstly, this is being entered on my desktop. That means that all the work, barring one or two very minor bits, is done. The bad news is that I still don't have any heat in the house. Though the small silver lining there is that it doesn't look like there's anything wrong with the system, it's just a matter of making sure it's not air-locked.

At least, that's what I am led to believe. My heating engineer is calling me back this evening and I'm hoping it's a simple and quick fix.

I really need the heat on, though. I don't particularly feel the cold, but it's starting to have an effect on the house - doors aren't closing properly, for example. It's taking my clothes ages to dry indoors as well.

And, of course, we've had a mild autumn so far. The heat needs to be on before it gets REALLY cold.

The end is still in sight

I was hoping that tonight I'd be able to come home, turn on the heating and unpack a lot of stuff. Part of that would be setting up my desktop PC again and generally setting up my office the way I wanted it. It's the only recently-decorated room that I have all the furniture for, so it's the only room I can complete.

Of course, the heating still isn't working either. The previous issue appears to be fixed, but I'm still not generating hot water or heat through the radiators.

And the room that is to be my office is still unfinished. Again, I feel guilty for feeling angry about it as it's my dad who's doing the work, but it's been in the same unfinished state since Thursday. If I were handy enough to be able to do the work, it would have been done weeks ago, but I'm useless at DIY.

I'm sure I'm slightly over-reacting as I've been awake since 3AM, but it feels like I've been just waiting for the finishing touches for weeks and to arrive back into the house and be unable to do the things I've wanted to do for the past week or so is frustrating.

The end is in sight.

Hopefully the end is in sight with regards to the housing thing. The last room will be finished tomorrow and, with any luck, the heating will be sorted on Monday. That means I can do three things - the first is give the house a good clean. It's not been touched in the past three or four weeks due to the ongoing works. The second is to unpack a lot of things that were put away to do the decorating plus some stuff that's not yet made it out of storage since I moved in and finally, I get back into a routine that includes the fitness stuff that I've had planned for a while.

More than anything else, I'm looking forward to getting heat into the house.

Not quite the end of the road.

The decorating is practically done. There are some bits that are still rough around the edges, literally, but I'll finish them off over the next few days. I only have one room to do - lay a floor, and that should be everything done by the weekend.

Except for one thing... the heating is not working and as we speak, the plumber I've called is bamboozled. He's just left and will return tomorrow, but I have sneaking suspicion that this is going to be an expensive fix which will really eat into my new cooker and new TV budget.

It might not - there's been no mention of cost as yet, but I'm finding it difficult to be positive at the moment after being tired and stressed over the past few weeks with the decorating.

There's also a work thing that's raising its head again - I've been trying to get this resolved for most of this year with no luck so far. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall... like all the things I'm trying to argue for and against are completely different to what other people are doing.  But they can't or won't tell me what I should be doing.

Sigh.

Sigh. Part 2.

Another sleepless night in a bare, cold bedroom and I was awake at six thirty. Again. That's three days in a row.

My parents arrived on time and we set to work. There was a lot to do, but I had a plan that seemed to fill the time economically with little wasted effort. That's the kind of day that I needed - lots had to be crossed off and couldn't be put off.

My Dad asks what he's to do and I tell him. He disappears. Forty five minutes later, he arrives back in the room with lots of cut wood and proceeds to attach the skirting board to the walls. What I actually asked him to do was paint it so we  could attach it to the walls after all the painting and wallpapering had been done. It completely threw off the rest of the day.

It's this kind of thing that's meant that we won't be finished by the time the carpets are fitted tomorrow, nor will it be done to a particularly good standard, seeing as the past two days have been a rush job.

My sister called at lunchtime with advice about colour schemes. The paint was bought yesterday and half of it was already on the walls. My brother-in-law was due to call in to help me move my bed this evening. He's nowhere to be seen and it's unlikely he's going to call in at this time.

Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful that I've been getting help from my parents, especially the DIY stuff that I can't do or my Dad can do better, but the frustration at the difficulty in getting anyone to do me a favour hasn't gone away since yesterday.

Roll on tomorrow though, when all this is done. Well, apart from the bit where I need to move all my furniture back into its respective rooms.

Sigh.

Part of the reason that I'm still decorating rather than being finished weeks ago a I'd hoped is the fact that I've been relying on help from my Dad and my sister. My Dad for actually helping out with decorating and my sister for advice on colour schemes and all the design-y things.

But it feels likes I have to drag everything out of both of them. I know this might sound a little ungrateful, but when people ask me for a favour, if it's something I can help out with, then I'll do it.

So, rather than help out where I need it, my Dad goes off and does his own thing. I ask him to paint some woodwork and he'll strip wallpaper instead. My plans are then in need of readjustment because I come home from work expecting to be able to do one thing, only to have to do something else.

The same goes with my sister. I ask her for advice and she simply never replies to text messages. I'm capable of making my own decisions, so in reality, I'm only really looking for a sanity check, but it's annoying that her expectations of me are never mirrored in the same circumstances.

Today, I was meant to have a real go at getting a lot of painting done with my Dad. Except my Mum and Dad are away to my sis's for Sunday dinner. I was invited as well, but I've been painting all afternoon.

I feel guilty typing this out, but at the same time I'm on a deadline. Tuesday, in fact.

Secrets.

"So..." whispered KfW2 conspiratorially as she sat beside me earlier.
"So?" I whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"
"I have a personal question. Do you like Ideas Girl?"
"Not in the way that you're thinking. She's a nice girl."
"How come you reacted the way you did on Monday?"
"I genuinely don't know."

For the record, when KfW2 and Stalky Guy were quizzing me on Monday about Ideas Girl, for some reason, I went beetroot red. There was no reason for me to get embarrassed. It's not like I got found out doing something wrong or something I wanted to keep secret.

I sensed that she wanted to talk further about Ideas Girl, but in the middle of work was not the place. We didn't get a chance to talk about it further today, but I'll ask KfW2 if she wants to chat further about it.

Cheeky.

"Did you ever check out any gyms?" asked CC.

The fucking cheek! Going to a gym was her idea. Me accompanying her was her idea, though I did come round somewhat.

I explained that I hadn't and that I wasn't going to consider it until after Christmas as I had other things on my plate... plus once the decorating is done after the weekend, I'm getting back into the yoga and doing some walking.

If that fails to deliver results (and why should it, I lost 10lb in 10 weeks previously doing it) then I'll consider the gym.

Talky.

A somewhat last minute early evening out saw me in the pub with a girl from work - no-one who's been mentioned here before. Let's call her Ideas Girl. We were introduced at the end of last year by Stalky Guy. Since then, we've gone through phases of chatting.

While I wouldn't say that we were close friends, we have been opening up a little to each other. When IG was looking for some company for a last-minute thing, I was one of the people she contacted. As it happens,  no-one else was available, so we did our own thing.

In the middle of the evening, completely out of the blue, I got a text message from DSC. I'm paraphrasing, but she claims to miss me, apologised for being flaky and unreliable and states that she's not like that any more. I don't know what to think. She was always flaky and unreliable when we were in regular contact - I don't know if a non-flaky version of her exists.

IG and myself also covered plenty of ground, conversationally, and it turned out to be a really pleasant evening. I surprised myself by being quite open with IG. I talked about FA2, online dating, my general happiness and lots of other, small talk things.

Oh dear.

On the bus on the way home tonight, for the first time that I've seen, the cute foreign girl that I mention in this post got on. I know that she now (perhaps always) lives near me,  but our paths never crossed. I always thought she was cute, but as we never interacted, getting anything going was nigh on impossible,

And it turns out that even if our paths had crossed, nothing would have come of it. She's married, according to the ring on her finger.

No other details, but I have to admit that I am a little disappointed.

Trimming the fat.

After a bit of a funk last weekend (lots of reasons), I've decided to cut down my presence on online dating sites/apps.

eHarmony has already bitten the dust earlier this week through not actually sending me any new matches (and you have to pay to see other members' photos).

I'm shutting down my OKCupid account this weekend. The only interest I got in a year or so of membership was the recent girl who messaged, then went quiet, then "liked" me, then went quiet after I messaged. She's on PoF, so if she wants to chat, she can find me there.

I'm also getting rid of Badoo. I simply don't understand it, and I'm getting nothing in the way of messages, visitors or anything resembling activity.

That still leaves me on Once, Bumble, Tinder, PoF and happn. None of these are providing any potential really... but it does no harm in keeping the accounts open if not semi-active.

Digest

I know I've been a little quiet of late, so here's a bit of a digest post.

The talks that I wanted to have in work have been complicated by some organisational changes. I won't know how this is going to impact me for at least another week, but I'll be trying to get answers as soon as I possibly can. Other than that, work is going well. I've got a couple of work events coming up in the next few weeks that should be fun (they usually are) and drunken too.

KfW2 has mentioned a Halloween party. S usually goes out on Halloween too and next weekend marks the anniversary that SG admitted that she liked me (that ultimately led to nothing). But... I have options for Halloween. I'm not that concerned. Halloween is something I can take or leave, though everyone else seems to enjoy it. I have nothing against being in a bar surrounded by attractive women in sexy outfits. That doesn't help with my current frustration though.

Online dating has been a little weird. The OKC girl that I referred to in this post has made contact again. Well, she "liked" me on OKC but never replied to my outstanding message. I pondered about whether to message her - my thoughts on this particular girl haven't changed. I don't see it developing into anything serious, but we're both open to meeting people for friends, so let's see hoe it plays out. It might even solve the problem of my previously stated frustration. I don't need to elaborate, do I?

The stuff I am doing around the house is still incomplete, though there's finally an end date - the end of next week. It's been slower than I would have liked, but it's always been moving forward and next week should see it all done. Then I'll take a break from house stuff over the winter. It also means that I can turn the heating on again and then start thinking about the fitness stuff. With CC not following up on the gym stuff (and that's not a bad thing) I can follow my own path - yoga, some light weights and some other stuff as well should all add up to some decent results once I get going.

In addition, there should be some KfW2-centric nights. We're long overdue a night out on the town, just the two of us. It's been in a constant state of postponement since August, so it's about time that gets done. She's talked about a night at hers, with her husband and one of her husband's friends. I don't know if she likes this friend. Despite being a god-parent, he only seems to call round/be invited when I've been invited, so I kinda think that KfW2 uses that to fulfil her requirement to socialise with him.

That then paves the way into the Xmas period, which is something else to think about (including another day/night out with KfW2), and especially New Year's Eve, which is the holiday where I really don't want to spend on my own.

And it's about time.

It's taken months, but I finally had a conversation today that I've been trying to have for a good while now. And I only had it with one person instead of three. But, it was useful and gave me a good starting point for talking to other other two people.

It's not stopped being frustrating though. To learn that some things in work are simply outside of your control, despite being told otherwise is HUGELY frustrating.

But now that it's been clarified, I can go to the relevant people and put my cards on the table - I want things to change. I don't know if it's too late to change things for this year, but I also don't see how the people involved can refuse me.

I have two days to work on writing an email that'll hopefully kick off at least one face to face meeting.

Blast from the past.

Spotted on Tinder this morning: DSC. Swiped left, obviously.

Also spotted - extremely cute girl. Super-liked her.

Talky time.

JB and CC called round last night. I initially thought independently, but I subsequently understood that JB wanted CC to be there. Who knows why? JB has always been a little weird like that.

I've been asking JB to call round for ages. Ever since I moved in, to be honest and she always promised to, but never made any plans.

However, the two of them were here for over an hour or so and it was nice to have visitors and have a bit of chat.

CC was talking about getting back into her fitness regime again after her recent trip to America. She had mentioned the possibility of joining a gym previously, and this was brought up again, though brushed over in favour of her non-gym things - she's does various things about four times per week).

I'd entertained the gym idea and had spoken about it with USHW, though my confidence issues always made me reticent about doing it again. However, there's a local gym that's quite cheap that's tempting. If I could get a personal trainer for a reasonable price, then that may well seal the deal. However, I was paying GC almost £30 per hour back in 2006, so I've no idea how much they are now.

While the house isn't crippling me financially, it's certainly tighter than it was this time last year. Financially, my plan of joining a gym and perhaps seeing a PT a couple of times a month for regular checkpoints might not be do-able. It's potentially £100 per month that I can spend better elsewhere right now.

If CC brings up the gym thing again, I'll look into it, but she'll be doing all the running for this and I'll only agree if the price is right. I'm hoping that, within the next two weeks, my phase one of decorating will be complete and that should mean I can at least get back to my yoga routine that I did a few years ago.

I enjoyed that, was motivated to do it and managed to lose 10 lb in about 10 weeks with a couple of small dietary tweaks as well. Perhaps I should give that a go again and maybe only go down the gym route if the yoga doesn't pay off?

After all, I now have a couple of previously unused rooms that now need furnished with an eye on larger-scale works around the rest of the house.

Tonight's £130 million jackpot would come in handy right about now.

The online dating game.

A few weeks ago, I was messaged on OK Cupid. According to the site's algorithm, we were very well matched. According to her profile, when I went to browse, it appeared that the site had actually gotten something right. And I'm not just talking about her likes and dislikes... her style of writing, word usage etc. is very reminiscent of my own. That's, in case you hadn't guessed, A GOOD THING.

I wasn't getting a lot of reaction from her photos - she's pretty, stands out, tall, curvy. Usually, none of these things would put me off, but I just wasn't getting that vibe off her the way I had in the past with people like CB, for example.

Still, both of us are, according to our respective profiles, looking to meet new people outside of dating, so I replied. My messages were, quite frankly, not very good. I managed to be closed off, without really meaning to. To be fair, she seemed to be the same. But we still managed to swap a few messages over a few days.

It went quiet over a weekend, she changed her profile picture,  I sent a message to try and re-ignite the conversation and she hasn't logged on since. At the same time, she removed all her pictures from her recently re-activated PoF profile.

That's two women in the past two months who've cancelled/archived their profiles after talking to me.

Only for the OKC girl to pop up on my PoF feed last night.

Ho hum.

It's meant to be fun, right?

There's one girl I told USHW that I'd message... and I will, as soon as I can think of an opening message because, typically, she says nothing in her profile of any worth and I refuse to send just "hi".

It's the little things.

While things have been good recently - being more engaged and busy at work has helped a great deal -  Mondays are still Mondays.

However, my day was made by a simple text message.

"Looking forward to seeing you again next week. I've missed you."

It was from KfW2. Of all the close female friends and non-platonic friends I've had over the years, few, if any, have exuded the warmth that KfW2 gives off. And you know she means it - it's not an empty platitude.

Even AM and QC1, supposedly two of my closest female friends for near fifteen years, never seemed to convince me when they said something similar. In fact, can I remember them saying anything like that? Oh, AM has, but that's another story.

Maybe that's part of my confidence issues rather than anything that AM and QC1 did wrong.

Influence.

I've often mentioned my inability to talk to new people, but that I'm unstoppable if I am comfortable.

Case in point: a few months ago, in a departmental meeting, I challenged some company/HR policy with our CEO. Without going into detail, I suggested that if he wanted the mentality of the company to change as he claimed, he needed to kickstart it and I suggested a few things that I thought might help.

Roll on to today, and an email came out from HR that announced that one of my ideas was being implemented. I wasn't named, of course, but everyone who was at the meeting with the CEO sent messages, semi-jokingly congratulating me.

I'm not going to claim that it was a life changing idea. It wasn't and neither is it a big change, but it will be seen that way by the employees. However, without my intervention and subsequent badgering of my management hierarchy to follow up with the CEO, I firmly believe that the policy change would not have happened.

When I suggest that to my managers, they look blankly back at me.

Idiots.

This is about the fourth time that I've done something like that that has had a company-wide impact with no reward from anyone. It's about time I blew my own trumpet.

A knock on effect from this is that it becomes easier (in my head anyway) to walk to and/or from work. If the gym thing doesn't pan out with CC, my place of work is around 2.5 miles away or roughly an hour's walk.

Weekend roundup.

I spent the weekend chasing S. He had a friend over from London and the entire weekend was spent around hosting her and her friend. That's not a criticism, by the way, just explaining how it was. On Thursday, we were meeting for a few drinks and some pool. However, S didn't phone until after 10 PM by which time I had given up on the idea of going out (plus I had work the next day).

A similar thing happened on Friday, with the phone call not coming until well after 11 PM.

It was Saturday before the stars aligned and S was organised enough to do stuff on time. FC was out, as was GM and Sports Girl. SG had been in contact a few days before.

"Oh, I've missed you, it's been so long!" she declared.

I didn't type it out directly, but my reply implied that our lack of contact was her fault. And it is. SG and GM  have been socially invisible since they got together as a couple, around six months ago. FC gets to see them sometimes, but only because of sporting connections.

It was no surprise to see that, when SG and GM finally showed up on Saturday, that they never made any attempt to mingle with the people that S had invited out. It looked to me like GM wanted to, but SG never let him go for one second the entire evening.

I was also semi-expecting a message from CC. It was her birthday as well on Saturday and she was out with a few friends. I suggested that if she let me know where she was, I'd buy her a drink if I were close enough. That message didn't come, however.

KfW2 had promised a phone call as well. She's been a little down recently and I was hoping for a chance to chat and arrange our adult afternoon out. Via a few text messages though, she told me she was busy, but she will try and call soon. Hopefully we'll get something planned for within the next few weeks.

I text CC on Sunday morning. She had gotten drunk the night before. I noticed on Facebook that she was out with a girl that I'd previously matched with on Tinder. She'd de-activated or un-matched before I had a chance to message her though. I've never mentioned that to anyone, apart from USHW, so that may be something to consider, though my only previous attempt to meet someone through a mutual friend, CB, didn't yield any results. To be honest, cute Tinder girl is an outside bet anyway - her distance and family situation are not deal breakers, but certainly obstacles for me to overcome.

I also spoke with CC about exercise and she re-iterated her plan to join a gym after holiday (coincidentally with the cute Tinder girl), so that may be something that kicks in at the start of next month.

Hello.

Today got off to an interesting start. Sat on the bus on the way to work, who should I see at a bus stop on my route, but the cute, foreign, girl who works at my place? I think I've mentioned her in passing on the blog before, but a quick recap, just in case: she seems quiet, I don't know what age she is, I don't know where she lives (or rather, I didn't... I vaguely do now), she doesn't seem to go to our monthly work events and, a few years ago at the work Christmas party, I got her onto the dance floor to dance for a while, despite her being a stranger. We haven't had a proper conversation, and it's only reasonably recently that I actually found out her name.

She gets on the bus. She has a choice of seats available to her though she chooses to sit beside me. I panic. Well, not panic. I have a dilemma. She's barely looked at me since the Xmas party (though I had her laughing then, but a connection never developed) and I don't even remember her making eye contact with me at any time since, but it seems impolite not to at least acknowledge her presence. Do I take out my earphones and talk to her or continue looking out the window and listening to my Spotify playlist of music from films?

Good manners get the better of me and I remove my headphones.

I make a few statements and ask a few tentative questions, mainly around her living locally and getting the bus.

She replies, but they're brief... a few words at most. Is it shyness? Is she simply not wanting to talk?

My destination stop approaches (presumably hers too), so instead of trying to coax a conversation out of her on the short walk to the office, I cut my losses and walk to my local, regular coffee shop instead of heading into the office with her.

Ho hum.

Out tonight with S and his unrequited love. She's a good laugh, so I am looking forward to it. KfW2 has also said that she'll phone or call round tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that, too.

Plans.

My plan was that, after getting the weekend out of the way with FBS, D etc. that I'd chat to KfW2 about arranging an afternoon out. I know she enjoys our time together as much as I do - she said as much to me the last time we were out, so it's not a chore. It's just a matter of logistics - arranging babysitters etc.

However, she's a little down in the dumps at the moment. Her eldest has literally just left for university, possibly never to return to the family home (at least permanently). I often think that people like KfW2 and her eldest have a closer bond than others, because KfW2 and the father of her eldest are not together and boyfriends have been and gone. For a long time, while she's never uttered the phrase, it was just "the two of them against the world".

While she might well need one of our afternoons out, it seems inconsiderate to suggest it. Why? I don't know. We had a tentative agreement that we'd do it after the university upheaval, so it's not as if it'd be unexpected and our window of opportunity to have such an afternoon our is rapidly closing.

I'll leave it a few days and suggest something then.

As far as other plans go, CC is off on holiday next week. When she returns, I'm hoping to have a chat with her about joining the local gym that I've talked about previously and possibly engaging a PT for a bit. Maybe not multiple times a week, but perhaps a couple of times per month, just as a milestone kinda thing. I did it with GC years ago and noticed an improvement in tone, upper body strength etc. and that was just going to the gym maybe once per week and not really altering diet and seeing GC once per month. Even doing my yoga on a daily basis a few years ago, a few people from work noticed a difference after three months.

CC is talking about going to the gym at least twice per week, with some home stuff (my yoga), seeing a PT twice per month and making small changes to my diet (portion management, cutting out some stuff like bread and crisps and eating a little more healthily), then I would hope to see real changes.

I'm also hoping to have a chat with her about maybe doing stuff together to meet new people. I don't know if CC is actively looking to date/meet people (she seems happy enough with her lot, but then again, I probably do to her) or if she even has issues meeting people. I fail to see how - she's an attractive woman, decent body, and personable, so unlike me, I could see her getting plenty of offers.

We meet again!

KfW2 has always been intrigued by my circle of friends. Specifically, that I'm still in regular contact with people I've known since primary school - G is one of these people. While I wouldn't claim to be friends with another guy, we were in pretty much every primary school class and secondary school class and even ended up working for the same company for a while. In my early twenties, I played in the same football team as another primary school classmate.

Why the sudden talk about primary school? Well, Facebook has been very active this weekend with talk of another reunion. I'll probably go, though these things are really of no interest to me. I'm already in contact with the few people I want to be, the one or two people that I would like to talk to (including my first real crush), I'm already friends with on Facebook. The only missing person is one girl I had a minor crush on.

It all depends on dates and venues, though they're likely to be local.

Just... stuff.

BR and G have been and gone and, as predicted, it was a drunken one. It was good to catch up along with M and MM, though the second night out with G never happened. It's a shame, but G's communication these days is poor. I'm less concerned that I didn't get a second night in the pub and more concerned that he couldn't have sent a quick text message rather than FP and myself being left in the dark.

Ho hum.

Sadly, MMBF and E3 never appeared. I was never going to pull them, but a man can window shop and they are cute. The only other piece of "news" is that one of our old school friends, a loud girl who I don't particularly like, got talking to me about meeting people and dating. I ended up telling them about my online dating experiences and the results, that I did want to meet people and that I wasn't that interested in people with kids, but admitted if the chemistry was there. I was about to launch into my theory about how online dating encouraged box ticking and how people seemed to be unwilling to meet people without finding out if there was chemistry by meeting, but we got side-tracked by G's arrival.

I doubt anything will come of it, though loud girl did suggest a blind date, which I avoided agreeing to.

It was a good night. That's that one ticked off. Next up - FBS, D and Friction Guy this coming weekend. I also have KfW2 and a night out with S's unrequited love before the end of the month.

Looking forward.

Despite G's sister claiming that he was home for the Bank Holiday weekend, there was no contact from him over the weekend nor did he reply to my last text message for clarification of his visit.

That means it's this coming weekend that he's home (or he's gone home already without seeing anyone). BR and his wife are due in town as well, but I don't know if we'll all be out together. I don't even know if G knows that BR will be in town. If not, then it'll be busy weekend and, either way, it'll be drunken.

The weekend after is a long-overdue night out with D, FBS, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy. Again, that's going to be drunken.

The last thing on the cards, at the moment, is my re-scheduled day out with KfW2. Dates are still to be decided, but we're unlikely to do that until after my night with FBS etc.

Pondering.

CH finally replied, though it took me to send her birthday wishes to do so. That being said, a family illness meant that my original message has slipped her mind. She's not available for at least a couple of weeks, but I've asked her to get in touch with me once she is. Fingers crosses, but as always with CH, I'm not holding my breath.

Something else that slipped my mind from earlier in the week was CC's suggestion we join a gym. There's one that's literally about a 10 minute walk or a 3 minute drive. That works on a couple of levels - firstly, it's handy and secondly, if CC is going, then I have my motivation to go too.

It seems to be a little more hardcore than your Fitness Firsts, Pure Gyms or David Lloyds. There's more emphasis on weights than cardio machines (though they have those too). Plus all the photos are of boys and girls who are ripped. Mind you, that's not my goal.

Oh, and it's cheap. Cheap enough that if I get into a routine of going, I could add a couple of PT sessions a month to keep me on track.

However, just the thought of going down there, even for a look around is already making me anxious. It's something to definitely give some thought, but the anxiety though...

So, what's happening now?

And so it begins again. CH hasn't replied to a text I sent over a week ago asking to meet her for coffee. I had planned to use that coffee date as a springboard to get her out of an evening. It's also her birthday sometime around now. I can't remember exactly when in August it is, but it was around this time. That time we were out that she sent some interesting text messages on her way home. Was that about two years ago?

During the brief text conversation we had (we were both a little tipsy), she made these comments:

"Thank you for the card you have no idea what that means to me"
"Thank you for being you and weirdly appreciating me"
"And in the relatively short time we have known each other... The scale on which I trust your judgement is unreal"

That was why, when it all fell apart, communications-wise, that I had thought she was over-reacting. I also knew I hadn't been out of line. Mild criticism is no reason to to have the reaction that CH did.

That's all under the bridge now... except for the fact that the issues with CH being controlling are still there. She makes all the calls. If she doesn't like something, the alternatives are on her terms, not any compromise.

And her communications have always been shocking.

Still, it's not like I've nothing else to do. I was meant to be out yesterday with KfW2, but that's been postponed for a few weeks while she gets some family stuff sorted. Nothing seriously bad, but it needs done now.

G is home soon. It could be this weekend. His sister told me it was the bank holiday weekend, but G's own texts suggest it might be the following weekend. He still hasn't clarified, despite asking. My weekend this weekend is quiet anyway. I've taken a couple of days off work to chill a little, so if G is over, I'm free. I've no other plans this weekend.

The following weekend, obviously, G might be over. BR and his wife are definitely in town. That'll mean that others will be out including M and MM, possibly E3, hopefully MMBF (though she's an outside bet at best).

<--- --->

This caught my eye today, following links on Facebook.

World map of average (erect) penis size.

Hah!

Interesting.

While searching for a friend on Facebook earlier, DSC's name popped up. Bored, I clicked on her name. It appears that she's single again. I don't know any further details, but it doesn't kinda explain the out of the blue texts from a while ago.

Part of me is glad for her. The guy she was with at the time we stopped talking was an idiot. Seriously. He was a Grade-A Man Child. Plus he had other character traits that weren't particularly nice - like overt bigotry, for example.

I'm still not tempted to get in touch though. I still don't do flaky.

Thanks, but no thanks.

After the brief period of enthusiasm and activity on my many online dating accounts recently, someone finally popped up who looked cute and interesting and within my basic search criteria. Her profile wasn't brilliant - typically bland and... something else that I can't describe or put my finger on. Homely, maybe? However, her profile pictures suggested a sense of adventure that her words didn't.

It was three words - "looking for love". I'm not going to say it put me off, but it made me assume that she was of a particular personality type that I'm not particularly looking for. I want someone with their own personality. I've often cited KfW2 and CH as being examples of that exact type.

Physically, she's attractive - pretty, nice smile, brunette.

So, I fired off a message, asking about some of her pictures (which are all travel-related).

It took her over two and a bit days to reply, which was short and closed off. I was reasonably sure, though not certain, that it wasn't inviting a reply, but I wanted to make sure, so I asked her a few more questions - dripped a bit of personal information in there and fired it off.

That was Thursday night and I've heard nothing since, though she's been online quite a bit (often, and for hours at a time), updated her profile pictures (not the blurb though, which is telling in itself). I'm not expecting a reply at this point, but I have to wonder why people can't communicate properly.

The girl's message answered questions I'd asked, but there was no element of "thanks, but you're not what I'm looking for" or similar. She's have been better off not sending any kind of reply. I know it's difficult. I've always moaned about how difficult it is meeting people on dating sites and I try to reply to anyone who messages me who has put any kind of effort into an opening message ("Hi" simply doesn't cut it). But I always make it clear that I'm not open to prolonging the conversation and wish them all the best in their search.

Attractive Neighbour really impressed me with her messages. I was pretty sure she wasn't my type, but I sent messages anyway. We swapped a few messages each and I wished her well. She was interesting, interested and positive, all traits that online dating sites don't tend to be. If everyone were like AN, places like PoF would perform much better, I think.

Why is communication so difficult for some people?

A burst of energy.

Off the back of my recent conversation with FP about online dating and a burst of optimistic energy, I revisited some of my dormant accounts. Well, all of them apart from Match.com.

I am now active (as of this week) on:

• Tinder
• Once
• eHarmony
• Badoo
• Bumble
• OKCupid
• Happn
• Plenty of Fish

As I've explained previously, I live in a small catchment area, so all of these apps and sites are full of the same people. Trying to catch the attention of the cute and interesting people is as difficult in one app as it is in another. The worrying thing for me, and has been for a while, is that there are not a lot of people who excite me in the online dating world, and those who do pretty much never get in contact.

The one recent anomaly to that was Attractive Neighbour. We swapped messages, she was really pleasant to talk to (online dating would be much more appealing if everyone behaved like AN, in my opinion), but ultimately, she wasn't interested in maintaining social contact. She popped up in another dating app today, looking as stunning as ever.

If you're reading this, AN, try using a few more candid shots. The professionally taken ones are lovely, but you're stunning looking when you're casual too.

Positively thinking.

I thought it was going to be the same old story. A planned night to the cinema was in jeopardy because Sports Girl cried off. I quickly made arrangements with FP and left it at that.

The night with FP was not too drunken, but it was constructive. We talked about a myriad of subjects including fitness and online dating. For the first time FP got the full details on my online dating "adventure". Sadly, like KfW2, his first opinion was that I was doing something wrong. He backtracked a little when I explained that I've been OD-ing on and off since about 2010 and that I'd tried every possible approach that I could. When I added that the issue wasn't "talking" to people but simply getting matches/conversations, then I think that the enormity of my problem started to sink in.

I recommended some fitness regime that I had done in the past to help him with his injury problems.

It was slightly ironic that before we had that conversation, for the first time in a long time, a girl in a bar caught my eye. She was tall, thin, pretty and she reminded me a lot of CB. She was standing beside us and while we swapped a few glances, no move was made. She was wearing a ring of some description that put me off making an approach.

Continuing the positive vibe, SG asked earlier if we could do the cinema thing today. We didn't talk a lot outside of sitting in the cinema, but it was nice of her to be pro-active in re-arranging her cancellation.

Ho hum.

I can't remember if I've ever mentioned before, but while I have massive confidence issues in all aspects of my life, mainly socially, I am a very social person. I like meeting people (as long as the circumstances are favourable) and I love being in the company of my friends.

That usually means that I am very socially aware and active. By active, I mean the organiser. For example, CH has suggested that when we do meet for coffee, one thing we should talk about is meeting more socially - for a beer or two.

I'll end up arranging something bigger. Rather than just the two of us, I'll invite KfW2, FC and GM who all know her as well. It never crosses their minds to get in touch with CH (not her, them), so why I take it upon myself to be the centre of our social group, I don't know.

We had another night out last weekend - plenty of people turned up, but few people actually confirmed their attendance. In fact, only S confirmed. To be fair a few people said they couldn't make it, but the majority of people (who did turn up) didn't actually specify one way or the other, leaving it up to me to chase them for a response.

I shouldn't have to specifically ask for an RSVP, but it seems like I should.

Regardless, I had a great time. I think everyone did, but that's unsurprising. When this group get together, we usually do have a good time. Plenty of drinks were taken and it was a late night. GM and Sports Girl were out. I've not spoken to them in ages. SG was apologetic, blaming an internal move in work for her sudden silence. Given that the silence coincided with her dating GM rather than the work thing, I'm sceptical.

She promised to be better at being in contact and we tentatively agreed to meet this week as we were both off work. I sent a message last night, suggesting we meet today. She agreed and I asked when she'd like to meet. Silence.

Facebook is telling me that she's out and about playing Pokemon Go, but she's yet to reply to my direct question. I'm not chasing her up. I was disappointed when she went quiet a few months ago and while I liked having her out at the weekend, there's definitely a coolness/distance from me towards her. I've made some effort (and I've done that a couple of times since she hooked up with GM)... now it's up to her to put her money where her mouth is.

Silence is golden.

Unsurprisingly, CH has let me down again. We had an agreement to meet for coffee on Friday afternoon - she suggested Thursday or Friday and Thursday didn't suit me. However, she got called into a lat-minute meeting. One of her staff had a grievance to air and, as an HR issue, needed to be sorted.

The nature of the meeting meant that CH couldn't keep me updated, but it also meant that I stayed behind after work on Friday for an extra 45 minutes before she could update me. So she suggested this morning, before work. CH starts work at 8AM. I start after 9AM. That would mean I'd have to get up two hours earlier than usual. I texted back - could we do tea break instead? She agreed, but suggested that before work suited her better "in case I get called into unexpected meetings".

This morning, I was in a semi-panic. Somehow, my phone was down to 1% charge. This is unheard of for me, and I was aware that CH might text at any point to meet. I managed to get a quick burst into my phone to get it to 5% - enough to get me into work.

As I plonked my ass into my chair just after 9:15AM, I text CH asking what time we could meet and plugged my phone in to charge.

I heard nothing.

At 10:40 AM, my need for caffeine was too great and I trundled off to the coffee shop for my fix.

It was 12:55 before CH finally replied. She re-iterated that before work was better for her and she wouldn't cancel on me, even though she acknowledged that it sucked for me and explained that even though she had no meetings this morning, she got sucked into one unexpectedly.

As it was a text message, I presume some words were left out and that she meant she had no scheduled meetings.

Now, I sometimes think that I hold my friends in too high regard, but I don't think that, if we'd made plans to meet this morning that CH couldn't have sent a quick text before going into her meeting to let me know. I don't think that's unreasonable.

This is why I always have issues with CH's unreliability. On the rare occasions that CH has made arrangements herself, she never seems to cancel. When someone else sets out the plans, they have to change to suit her.

I suggest lunch to CH, she will only agree to coffee.
I suggest a day with CH, something pops up unexpectedly.
I suggest a time to meet, she cancels unexpectedly.

I don't believe that CH is telling lies above regarding Friday afternoon or this morning, but this kind of thing happens too often for it to be true all of the time. It was this kind of behaviour that prompted me to text her 18 months ago that then caused our communication failure - it's always other people who compromise, never her.

CH asked to reschedule to Friday morning, but I've got a lunch date with KfW2 on Thursday that will end up in the pub, so I'll probably be nursing a hangover on Friday. I'm going to ask CH about meeting next week.

It's the end of the world...

Today, I awoke in a world that seemed different. Poorer. Less vibrant. More scary.

The UK, the "country" in which I live, voted to leave the European Union.

I'd like to say that I'm surprised, but I'm not really. The first few results in last night, by the time I went to bed, had already indicated (to me anyway), the inevitable. However, to put some perspective into it, it's a series of agreements with other countries and some common laws. The world is not going to end - far from it, actually. I personally feel it won't be as good for me as before and I think we'll all (bar a few privileged people) will be much worse off, not just in monetary terms as well.

Unusually, this time around I did my homework. I looked at a lot of independent information to clarify what both sides of the argument were trying to say and, for me, the Leave campaign were telling outright lies and making promises that they simply could not keep. I know that that happens in all political vote gathering exercises, but when the outcome is pretty much irreversible, I'd like to think there would be better systems in place to stop this happening. I've been laughing at Trump in the States at his sheer gall, only to realise this morning that the Leave Campaign has pretty much gotten away with the same thing. Both sides were not covering themselves in glory, to be perfectly honest.

Even as the polling stations closed, Nigel Farage was still telling the cameras that Turkey are imminently joining the EU when all the reading I've done from independent sources are indicating it's not even close and could be ten years if not longer.

But not the end of the world.

However, this morning, while sipping my coffee and watching the telly and reading various sources on the internet, the realisation saddened me. I believe that the people have had the wool pulled over their eyes. Sure, there will be people who have legitimate and relevant reasons to vote Leave, but these people are, I would imagine, in the minority - I know FP is one of them. The sound bites I "hear" coming from all corners of the globe suggest to me that people are making the (in my opinion) wrong choice for the wrong reasons.

Ex-pat voters, living in Australia are voting Leave. "English people for English jobs!" they proclaim from Sydney or Melbourne, the hypocrisy obviously passing them by.

Some of the poorer areas of the UK are voting Leave, and they seem to be unaware that, for them, the future in the short to medium term could actually be a lot worse.

Seemingly many undecided voters, rather than abstaining, decided to vote Leave in a puff of logic that makes my little head hurt.

Anecdotal evidence from friends and acquaintances across the country (as well as a few news reports) are suggesting that quite a few Leave voters only did so "because we didn't actually think the Leave vote would win!"

Which leads me to a gut feeling that a lot of Leave votes were a protest vote against the government or even specifically the Conservative Party rather than a genuine interest to leave the EU. And perhaps they don't yet realise that the EU was keeping the Conservative Party in check to a certain extent.

Or, worse, that the Leave vote was a misunderstanding of what control the EU had over immigration and people used it to "complain" about foreigners coming over here, taking our jobs and our housing and increasing NHS waiting lists (which kinda goes back to the ex-pats as well).

Added to that, the baffling vote of Wales, who had arguably the most to lose as an entity with EU withdrawal and the same thing goes to Farmers, another group of people who benefitted largely from EU funding (though were also most vocal about EU restrictions).

World leaders, financial experts, political experts and many other people were encouraging us to remain. Yet, we took our ball and we went home in a huff. And that's how I see the Leave Campaign (not the voters, the actual campaign leaders). There didn't/doesn't seem to be a plan for what we do now we've left. I don't think they know, or even care. That's now the government's problem as far as they're concerned. The government of a country whose economic future, short-term, is screwed and whose international standing has certainly taken a bit of a beating. We might not stand alone, but I do not think our friendships are as strong as they were yesterday. The result yesterday means that the full-on privatisation of the NHS and the disappearance of the BBC as we currently know it have gone from being unthinkable to actual possibilities and, frankly, probable.

I work for a company who's only in the UK because of initial EU funding. I have friends and co-workers who are foreign nationals (from all over the world). And I can't help but feel pessimistic. I know there won't be any overnight change, that the big things are two years away, but I feel really disconnected with 52% of the population of my country.

But it's not the end of the world. That's what I... indeed, everyone who voted Remain (or is currently regretting their Leave vote), needs to remember.

Social Club.

Having missed the gathering I hosted at the start of the month, E was in contact last weekend. Due to family commitments, the only free time she had was a few hours on her penultimate day in the country. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing and her family are quite demanding (partly the reason she missed the gathering).

We had a great few hours. We might not talk an awful lot - it's not just distance, it's the time difference mainly. It's something I need to work on - being more in contact. But, despite that, we hit the ground running and got through a good few topics in the limited time we had.

I also sent out a tentative email about another social gathering in a few weeks. I'm not going to be hosting this time, I'm suggesting a group night in the pub. It only took five minutes from sending the email to Sports Girl spending a text message. I think that's the first time she's initiated contact since starting to date GM. I had half-expected her to being giving me some kind of excuse about not being able to go to the gathering, but she was silent on that particular topic. She did however, suggest we all meet for a catch up as if I hadn't sent out an email suggesting exactly that not ten minutes earlier.

This morning I logged on to emails from FC and CH, both of whom were invited. Neither of them can make it. I wasn't expecting CH to make it with her family commitments, but in order to try and get back on track with her after last year's miscommunication. Her email was quite positive - she suggested meeting for coffee this week and we could then arrange something more social (i.e. the pub). I'm pleased about that.

The night out with KfW2 is still to be arranged. There's a slight chance that it could be this Sunday, if her other plans fall through and if not, then it could be another few weeks away. It's been a while since KfW2 and I had some time alone, so I am looking forward to it immensely.

Breaking a sweat/the same old story - cont'd

I've been out with CC for a few more walks. I want to be pushing her a little harder (and myself by association). I've taken to wearing my heart monitor while we walk to get a better indicator of my fitness etc. That, and my phone's fitness app seem to indicate that a 3 mile semi-brisk walk along our usual route burns about 500 calories in just over an hour.

We should be doing that slightly faster, but CC's princess qualities come out. The very sign of a shortness of breath due to exercise and the demands for a sit down come out. Apparently she's lost around 12 lbs due to her Weight Watchers thingy, but can't seem to shift any more.

My advice that some more rigorous exercise might kick it off is falling on deaf ears. She's happy enough to continue doing these walks at her own pace rather than gradually increase pace and distance. She might be in for a shock though, because another week or so of doing a walk every other day is going to give me the confidence to try something more demanding and convince me that my torn calf muscle has healed.

Strangely, I'm still speaking to the Tinder girl who's 150 km away. It's horrendously slow... I can't get a read on her at all. With her being 150 km away, I'm not expecting anything to come of it, but it'd be nice to chat, if it wasn't like pulling teeth.

I've "super liked" a few other women on Tinder with my usual results. Only one of them is not local... maybe. But she is an actress, albeit not that well known, and is listed in IMDB as well, so I don't know if she's genuinely single or using Tinder to promote herself. I've seen that happen before.

Stuff.

Supposedly, the event that Sports Girl was meant to be hosting was this coming weekend. But she's not mentioned it since she discussed it with me originally.

In fact, she's not said anything to me since that (and that was a conversation I started).

Ah well. Her loss. I suspect they've changed the date because of Euro 2016, but as they hadn't officially announced it, haven't bothered with updates.

In other news, I have an upcoming day out with KfW2 planned. We still have to nail down an exact date, but it'll be within ten days.

Oh, and for some reason that I don't understand a blast from the past PD appeared in my LinkedIn news feed today. I've seen her once or twice since our night class, but never spoke. I always thought it was quite weird - I helped her with the class and the coursework (it was technical) and somehow she managed to score higher than me, even though it was my job. I saw her coursework - it was good enough to pass and score reasonably well, but it was nowhere near as good as mine.

I'd hoped that we'd meet once the results were published and grab a coffee or a drink and I could figure out if she were single, but despite numerous promises, she went quiet.

Breaking a sweat.

A few hours ago, I went on a walk with CC. CC has often complained about wanting to lose weight but seems to be almost afraid of exercise. I've seen CC in a bikini. In my opinion, CC just needs to tone up a little. She has a great figure and is not carrying obvious extra weight. She's a tall girl with a good figure for her height.

Regardless, CC has been on Weight Watchers or something similar since the start of the year and she seems to have lost  bit of weight. I say "seems" - it's not because I am being rude or the weight loss is insignificant, it's more that the clothes she wears in work are not flattering to her figure.

I know that every now and again, she goes out for walks. Today was one of those days. She asked me, over IM, did I want to join her. It's not the first time she's asked and I usually say yes. The weather was nice and I always like an excuse to get out of the house.

We met on the main road, just round the corner from my house and she looked good. Her walking attire was all Lycra and clingy and she definitely seemed to have lost some weight and looked good for it.

It wasn't a far walk - all told about 3 miles at a moderate pace - but it kinda reminded me that I wanted to get something done. I am extremely unfit if the walk and my heart rate monitor is anything to go by. When I returned, I logged the information into my fitness tracker and stepped on the scales.

My weight has returned to the pre-yoga weight of a couple of years ago. I was half-expecting it to be much higher, so while I am heavier than I'd like, it could be much worse. Still, if I am being honest, I had been putting off standing on the scales for that exact reason.

I'm feeling the walk in my legs now, but it's that good tired/sore feeling after exercise. It's too late to be "beach ready" for this summer, but it's never too late to start. As usual, I can't throw myself into this... small steps will make me stick to it better. Some further walking to get into a routine (and build up some strength in my legs from  my last injury) then onto the yoga again and see where else I can go. Perhaps some football again... or some running.

Once that's kicked into gear, then it's time to pay attention to the diet again. I managed to lose nearly a stone by making small tweaks to my diet and NOT giving up beer, so let's see if we can go a little further this time as well. I expect to go further. This time, I live in my own place. I don't need to worry about a shared fridge or hogging time in the kitchen. I can take my time making what I need and storing it without worrying about flatmates.

As an aside, when I looked at my walking route recorded by my GPS, I noticed that had I walked half as far again, I'd have been close to CAB's parent's house. That caused a few wistful memories.

The same old story.

About a month or so ago, I installed a few dating apps on my phone. I'd already had Tinder, but alongside that, I've installed (after recommendations) Badoo, Bumble and Happn. It's hard to describe exactly what Badoo is. Bumble is like Tinder, though if there is a match, the female has to initiate contact and Happn is a location-based app that tells you who you've passed in the street and enables you to make contact that way.

I've been having a text chat with a woman I matched with on Tinder. She seems nice, but it's hard getting a conversation out of her. What I have done in the past is, after a few messages/a couple of days, arranged to meet. Looking at pictures and profiles is all well and good, but it's the chemistry that's important.

But the conversation is so difficult, that it's not been going anywhere. I also discovered, just this morning, that she's not local either. She lives about 150 km away. At some point, she must have been close to me (my Tinder settings are around the 50 km mark), but by the time we started chatting, she was home.

She's not the only one (though the only one I've initiated a conversation with). I've spotted several pretty/interesting women recently and tried to initiate contact, only to (eventually) discover that they're only in my neighbourhood for a girly weekend away/business.

You have to laugh, really. However, it raises another point. I've been pretty active on all four apps and I've only managed to start one conversation. It's the same old story - hundreds of swipes, prods, charms, likes and super likes and one conversation.

Onwards and upwards.

My first hosted social event is over. I think everyone enjoyed themselves and while I would do some things slightly differently, I'm pleased with my first effort. Not everything went according to plan. Neither E nor Sports Girl turned up. Sports Girl's attendance was always in doubt, but with a few days to go, it looked that she would turn up - asking specific questions about start times etc. I inferred from that that she'd be showing up, even though GM had said he couldn't make it. GM had family things on and given my tendency to take things more literally than sometimes people meant, I literally thought it would be his immediate family. Maybe, I reasoned, SG might show some self-awareness and give GM some space. I was wrong.

E's excuse was baby-sitting related. Someone in her family had dropped their own kids off at E's mother's house which meant she would have been babysitting three infants. E decided that this was too much for her mother on her own and stayed in. Sadly, she forgot to text me, so it took me texting her to find all of this out.

Communication is my bugbear. Is it rude not to reply back to an invite to a social gathering? I think so. I had to chase FP and my sister for a reply. GM eventually replied, two days before the event after all the shopping and planning had been done. CH eventually replied, a week before the event. SG didn't reply per se, but asked about start times yet never appeared.

CH, to her credit, sent a text earlier asking how the event went. FC apologised (again) for not being able to make it (though, he had said this all along). SG has been silent in the interim. Despite gushing in the past about how much she loves us and is thankful that we accepted her into our circle of friends, it seems that as soon as her and GM became an item, she's withdrawn. Mainly from me too from what I can tell. FC and S aren't as close to her as I was.

Well, if that's how it is, then that's how it is. I have another thing to arrange in about 4 weeks time and an impending afternoon out with KfW2, dates tbc.

Sssshhh...

Sports Girl continues to be quiet. She'll chat when I engage her, but conversations will die off quicker than they have in the past where we could be talking for days on end. This can only be a result of  her becoming an item with GM. In addition, neither her nor GM have said anything about the upcoming social gathering at my place this coming weekend. In a surprise twist, CH actually got in touch to say she couldn't make it because of a conflicting family event. I'm disappointed but in all honesty, I didn't really expect CH to attend (though her presence would have been a bonus).

KfW2 has been looking forward to it for weeks, ever since I first sent the invite out. E is coming along as well, and I'm looking forward to her meeting KfW2 and my sister. Unbelievably, having known E for 16 years, she's yet to meet my sister (though she has met other friends of mine). There are hopefully about a dozen people showing up which is plenty for my first real event at my new place. I'm stressed enough as it is with hosting an evening.

In other news, and ignoring the fact I'm seeing KfW2 this weekend, we're due to meet later this month for an afternoon of lunch and day time drinking in a mini pub crawl kinda thing. We just need to nail down a date - her for babysitting and me for a half day off work.

Wait, what?

Over the past few weeks, well since her formal night out, Sports Girl has been quiet on Whatsapp. Quiet with me, specifically. I've tried to initiate chats and she will respond for a short while, then she'll go quiet. I'm becoming less and less inclined to make any effort. Supposed nights in the pub have not materialised (not that I care in this case - I was with KfW2 and FP), but it's starting to become a thing.

However, last night, my phone pinged quite late - after 10PM. It was SG.

I thought, maybe, she was going to reply to an invite I'd sent out a few weeks ago. But no. She was, in fact, making her own plans. Well, not her own plans... but she was arranging a charity night out in aid of one of her sports teams. She wants me to attend. She wants everyone to attend.

I've been vague. Neither her nor her boyfriend have replied to my invitation to a BBQ that's only ten days away. I am a little angry at the continued lack of confirmations from SG and/or GM on nearly any social engagement. NYE was the same. I am being a little passive/aggressive here though. I'm not concerned about bringing it up with them as there are already plenty of people coming along and I don't care too much if one or two people don't come. The lack of a definitive 'yes' or 'no' always causes a little anxiety when I arrange social events.

So, my appearance at SG's fund raising event will probably depend entirely on whether or not they turn up to my BBQ in a few weeks time, or at least whether or not they accept or decline the invitation before then.

Funkadelic.

The funk that I've been experiencing recently (and the subject of my last post) is still lingering and still as a result of multiple issues.

There is an ongoing work thing. Decisions are being made at a higher level than I have access to. When decisions that are made are, in my opinion, illogical then I have a real hard time processing them. That's what happening now. Decisions are being made that are potentially changing our company's entire character and I don't know how that's going to pan out.

The loneliness thing is still ongoing, though there have been some things to lessen it. KfW2 has played her part as always. I was at her house a few weeks ago for a few drinks and it's always great to catch up with her. There was another impromptu night when FP and myself bumped into her and her friend in town. Her company is always welcome.

Sports Girl has bee flaky again, though she did admit to why she was so adamant about my presence at her form event. There was match-making going on. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that the person in question is a good match, but it's nice to know that SG has her heart in the right place. Plus, she knows me well enough not to make a big deal. There was other news about GM and SG. It's not surprising news, but it is big news.

Bit still, despite what has been an active enough few weeks, the funk lingers on. There is other stuff coming up over the next few weeks that could help alleviate the funk, but the singledom thing is still there and is still bothering me a little.

This can't be a good sign.

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking an awful lot about past dalliances. It's nothing deliberate - I've woken from an unremembered dream with someone in mind. RB, FA2, FBS and a few one night stands/dates who haven't been mentioned before and all within the past few weeks. Last night, it was CAB though this time I remember the dream to an extent.

We meet randomly in a hotel lobby. She looks similar but older and as good as I remember. We go for a drink and a chat in the bar and end up spending the night together when we realise the chemistry is still there. The next morning, as she dresses, I ask for her to stay in touch. She smiles. It's not a happy smile. It's sad or wistful, I can't tell and she walks out the door.

I wake up.

The more things change...

I'm feeling a little deflated and quite lonely at the moment. There's some ongoing work stuff that's been playing on my mind - I can't even say if it's positive or negative... it's ongoing and needs processed. But the bigger thing is Sports Girl's latest bout of flakiness.

SG spent two weeks trying to persuade me to turn up to a formal event that she was going to. Not to be her date, for clarity, cos that wouldn't have been an issue - she simply wanted me to turn up. I resisted. I don't like landing into another person's event, especially something formal. Plus, with my shyness and confidence issues, I'd need to be speaking to SG (or the three or four others I knew at the event), but I didn't want to take them away from it. Right up until a few hours before the event, SG was still trying to talk me round. I ended up going to S's for a few drinks, then we, in a last-minute change of plans, ended up in a pub. A pub that was only round the corner from SG's event. It was chosen that way because SG implied that she'd join us.

She didn't, of course. As it happens, I was walking past the venue in my hunt for a cab home. I called in and met Mrs FC. SG walked past, but ignored us. Eventually, after about ten minutes, SG realised I was there and hugged me. And that was the last she looked at me for the 45 minutes I was there, waiting for a cab. I could have said good evening when the cab arrived, but I wasn't in the mood. I left without saying anything.

As tends to happen, this causes me to get a bit down, to feel lonely. It's not a singledom thing, though not being single would help. It's about having people that I can count on or who don't let me down often. I'm struggling to think who there is, but really KfW2 is the only candidate... and when she does have to cancel at the last minute, I know she's genuinely sorry. SG, on the other hand, makes so many arrangements that she can't possibly commit to them all. In the brief time I've known her, she's cancelled at the last minute on numerous occasions including a night she invited me to hers for dinner, a night she talked about a trip to the pub before visiting an old boyfriend, gone quiet for a week at a time and various invites to my place for coffee, beers etc.

It's not just SG though. I've faced similar issues with GM and CH as well. These three people are people I feel I connected with which is I feel genuinely hurt when things don't work out. I get annoyed when, for example, S lets me down, but for those three mentioned previously, it's more than that. Partly because I put a lot into my friendships with those I connect with and partly, because of the connection I feel, I (illogically) hold these people to higher standards. It hurts when I don't get a fraction of that in return. In my opinion, there's more to friendship than simply turning up to the pub every so often.

I disastrously tried to address that with CH last year. I don't know if that friendship will ever recover. I have toyed with the idea of talking to SG about this, but I don't know if its a good idea - the timing is bad and I'm not entirely sure that it would have any effect. She's flaky/flighty and I don't think she'll ever change. You just have to put up with the negative as well as the positive (and don't get me wrong, SG has a lot going for her, not least her empathy).