Looking back.

This time of year brings back fond memories for two main reasons: V and CH. Oh, and cute girls in fancy dress costumes.

I had a night out with V many moons ago that I've talked about here that was around this time of year and it was our work Halloween night out this time last year where I first noticed CH pushing the boundaries of our friendship with lingering physical contact, the odd peck kiss and the fact she was practically wrapped around me as I walked her to the bus stop per her "not taking 'no' for an answer" demands.

And now we're coming round to that same time of year... and I have a night out planned with work chums later this week, and CH will be in attendance,

Meh.

I was meant to be heading to my parents this afternoon for Sunday dinner and catch up with other family members, but I'm feeling a bit under the weather and, if I am being honest, I am enjoying my own company this weekend.

There's a tiny element of feeling sorry for myself/a bit lonely as well.

I've lots of stuff I can be getting on with this afternoon too, so I've just called my dad and told him that I won't see him until later this week.

Changing myself (continued).

I finally got around to having a conversation with KfW2 about my ability to open up about myself as first mentioned in this post. We had a good chat about it, though it was brief, but I think that broaching the subject initially  was a great help. She referenced this conversation that we had at the start of the summer as something she'd like to share more of and that's something I'd like to be able to do.

KfW2 said a few things that eased my mind somewhat as I had been concerned that she had made the comments because she had needed to talk to me and I was closing off, but that wasn't the case. There are still a few things that I think we need to cover, but we can't until KfW2 identifies the things that made her raise the subject initially. I've asked her to think about it and let me know what they are so I can address them. Better late than never and hopefully a starting point to go further.

All I need to do is to remind KfW2 to ask lots of questions and that should help things continue.

Well, I never!

MfW disappeared over the weekend without a trace or notice. I wasn't overly concerned and I did get a great weekend of chilling out without doors being slammed etc.

It turns out that he was at UF's wedding. A wedding that I didn't get an invite to. I'm not particularly annoyed - despite living with UF for over four years, I wouldn't ever say that we were friends... and that's if you ignore the fact that he's been, in my opinion, taking the piss, house-wise since we moved into our current place. Actually, when I think about the amount of piss-taking that he did with regards not paying me on time, not doing any housework etc. I do actually start getting quite angry.

I know that he and MfW often went to the pub, usually without inviting me, but I didn't realise they were that close.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Something that has been bothering me all year is my single status. It hasn't helped me that I had the "close but no cigar" period with CB at the start of the year that has been thwarted by, IMO, GB's utter uselessness. Usually these funks only last a month or so, but this one has been consistent pretty much for all of this year and, over the past few months, has been more and more of an issue.

I've told KfW2 that I'm unhappy being single right now and that this is a mood that comes and goes usually, but has been in the back of my mind all year. Her immediate suggestion was to try online dating. I eventually confessed that I'd done it before, had little success and it destroyed my confidence, but she didn't take this as a valid reason not to try it again.

None of the above is new - it's something I've repeatedly posted about here.

Since then, the idea has grown in my head. I'm really unhappy being single and there are few options open to me for meeting new people right now, so I am thinking to myself "why not try it again?" I think I am at a stage where my unhappiness greatly overshadows my concerns about online dating and my own mentality being at odds with what online dating requires.

Maybe my problem was that last time, I did it all on my own. Maybe having KfW2 as support will help?

USHW predicted that I'd cave in, simply because it was KfW2's suggestion, but I think that I am caving in because of my own unhappiness. I have other things I want to clear up with KfW2, but I think that, unless something drastic happens over the next week or so, I'll sit down with KfW2 and talk to her again about the entire problem - my relationship status. If online dating is mentioned, I think I will probably go down that route, but I will be making sure that KfW2 comes along for the ride, if only to be there for support when I suspect things turn out the same again.

Changing myself.

I still haven't managed to sit down with KfW2 for a chat about my single status and online dating... and I have another reason to get some time alone with her after a comment she made in a text message during the week. It's not unexpected, but she did mention that I had a habit of clamming up when conversations got serious/personal. This upset me a little because I was trying to get personal information out of her at the time - I had my reasons to be concerned about her, but she was being vague.

Now, thinking back, I don't think there's anything new here. I've been aware, since my relationship with FA2 many years ago, that I've had problems opening up about myself. I don't know if that's just habit - since I've been interested in the opposite sex I've been single far, far longer than I've been in relationships and I wouldn't exactly say that I was close to my parents (though my relationship with my sister has gotten much better over the past dozen years or so), so I'm kinda used to dealing with a lot of stuff on my own.

In addition, during my university years (around the same time as my relationship with FA2), I had a few accounts online in a couple of communities where I really did my best not to give out any personal information. What that gave me, I think, was more confidence communicating from behind a keyboard than face to face.

There's also the fact that I have been described as a good listener, so I'm always prepared to let other people do the talking.

My initial concern, when KfW2 mentioned this, was that I was being accused of backing off when she wanted someone to talk to, but I can't think of a time over the past few months when that's been the case. I think she's referring to my own inability to open up and just talk about myself rather than rely on direct questions or related conversations before I say anything.

That's an assumption though, and I need to clear this with her. She doesn't seem to bothered by it and has hinted that she finds it amusing, but it's an aspect of me that I don't particularly like and would like to address.

Moral dilemmas.

CH has featured rather prominently in conversations with USHW over the past week or so. It's USHW's opinion that CH is definitely playing games and building up to something. My opinion is that while there is definite mutual attraction, I really don't see it ever panning out to anything.   CH only seems to show this flirty behaviour when drunk, though the last time we were out, she was a little more public with it than she has been previously. What USHW and I both agree on is that anything happening between us is a bad idea.

The next time we're both due to be out is the next work thing which is in a few weeks' time - assuming she doesn't have yet another family crisis that rules out her attendance. Part of me thinks I should simply stop playing the games/flirting and just have CH as a friend, but part of me, knowing that she's partly interested wants to see it through to whatever climax this reaches.

And around we go... again... continued!

Despite the amount of shenanigans that happened on Friday night, work was relatively quiet today. KfW2 did admit that she was somewhat shocked at CH and that my description that she was bonkers and never stopped talking really hadn't done her any justice (she had said this on Friday night as well).

Unrelated to our night out, she made a few comments when I had suggested that a meeting with an attractive blonde girl in work was always going to be successful because, regardless of the intent of the meeting, an hour's worth of perving would make it worth it. The girl in question is married and not my type but is very definitely very attractive.

Getting back to the night out, she was describing my face when CH took off her bra... apparently I was shocked. Given that I had a massive grin on my face, I suspect KfW2's memory isn't up to all that... after all, she doesn't remember her and CH groping each other's chests.

It was only when I mentioned that I hadn't made up my mind about a potential night out with GB and others that the conversation really kicked off. KfW2 returned to a conversation that I tried to start from a few weeks ago (she apologised for not getting back to it sooner because she had other things on her mind, which is true enough after her medical scare). Specifically, about some questions I'd asked about GB being romantically interested in me. She'd said that she'd had the conversation with GB and asked why I'd started the questioning.

I referred back to a conversation that E and I had a few weeks ago where it was E who had asked the question. In reality, there was no such conversation with E, it was just used as a reason to bring up something from earlier in the year. I'd said that I'd mentioned to E about things that GB had done/said earlier in the year which prompted the question from E. So, KfW2 was satisfied with the response, but it hasn't gotten me any closer to knowing if something about CB/MFF is being held back.

It did lead on to a conversation about E and the obvious subsequent questioning that covered the same ground as a lengthy conversation that USHW and I had back in 2009 or so regarding my ambiguous (at the time) feelings towards E. I was honest when I said that I didn't recognise it at the time, but did later and got the inevitable teasing from KfW2 but once again, the conversation stuttered to a halt/pause as work/meetings got in the way. It'll probably get picked up again at some point, but who knows when that will be?

The thing that I was most disappointed about (apart from the lack of CB/MFF resolution) was that apparently KfW2 and her husband have had conversations about trying to get me and GB together. To say that GB is not my type in terms of looks, personality and general interests would be an understatement. I thought KfW2 might have known by now.

Problem solving... a beginning.

The online dating thing has been increasingly playing on my mind since KfW2 first suggested it a month or so ago, amongst other methods of meeting people. From reading around and from the specific online dating thread on a forum that I frequent, success in online dating relies on first of all, good profile pictures, second of all, a good profile and sending out lots and lots of messages and hope for perhaps a one in ten response.

A one in ten response? I've had more success than that in bars when I actually make the effort to talk to women. Online dating sites are specifically out there for people to meet, so how can the response rate be so low?

The pictures bit is a bit up in the air for me - I really don't like a lot of the pictures I'm in and those that I do, the candid ones, are not brilliant for showing off who I am.

I can write profiles all day long that I believe reflect my personality and are interesting to read. A few years ago, I got my friends A and DSC lots of dates by writing their profiles.

I think it's the sending messages bit that really lets me down. I need to be excited by a profile, whether that's a picture of a cute girl or a sign in what she's written that she's someone I want to know. Without that excitement, I just can't summon up the energy to write a message to someone, so I can't blanket bomb messages to girls to get a decent amount of responses. The unwritten rules of online dating sites as stated on the forum that I frequent coupled with my own experiences tell me that the more surgical, targetted method that I employ is not suited.

The last time, on two different online dating sites, I sent out approximately fifty messages that resulted in about six replies, most were "no thanks" which is fair enough, and two of those led to conversations and one date with Date No. 1. I wanted to hear back from each and every one of those girls that I had messaged, because there was something in them that interested me. The fact that 90% didn't reply (it didn't matter if they were unwilling or unable, the fact is they didn't) really hit my confidence. Like it or not, while I didn't take it personally, it did dent my own self-confidence and that's my issue with online dating - I simply don't have the mentality for it.

I started typing this post in order to try and make some sense of why I'm still considering online dating after my confidence took an almighty bashing about three years ago. I also want to have a chat with KfW2 at some point about online dating, so getting this all sorted in my head is a good start. I was going to draw up a list of pros and cons in order to help me make a decision, but I can't really think about that now. No doubt I'll come back to that later...

One down... more to go.

The solution to the ongoing work problems are now starting to gather steam and while it's not going to be plain sailing, I expect things to be much, much better by the end of the month.

That's one thing off my plate, thankfully, though it would be nice to sort out a few others things over the next few months. KfW2 has repeated her desire to get me back to online dating despite quite a few protestations from me about not wanting to get back into it again given the lack of success from both Match.com and PLenty of Fish  apart from Date No. 1. USHW reckons I might eventually crumble but says I need to make my stance clearer.

The thing is, I've not been meeting anyone anywhere else recently. I continue to hold out a little hope that an introduction to CB is possible, partly because it is so achievable with MFF (and CH is a friend of MFF too, and she says she wants me to find someone), partly because there was no actual conclusion/closure on it from earlier, and partly because no-one else has been on my radar since the start of the year.

I definitely need to do something different because meeting people in bars isn't working - at least, not at the moment. USHW has suggested speed dating, but it's a matter of getting someone to go with me. GM is the obvious choice, but getting him out in general is difficult - he was meant to be out with CH etc. a few nights ago but was already triple booked. A few months ago, GB suggested a local meet up from, I believe, Match.com. I was too pissed off at her at the time to go. If another one is suggested, I might trundle along. And I still haven't ruled out online dating, despite how it left me feeling before. I'm starting to think that I have to give serious thought to any different way of meeting people that doesn't involve chatting to strangers in the pub.

Strange things afoot... and a night out.

The night out with CH, KfW2 etc. came and went well. It started off with CH and her friend pondering setting me up with a friend of theirs - but they decided it was a bad idea. KfW2 got a better idea of who CH is and described her as "completely bonkers". I'd already warned her. CH can be an acquired taste - she's a very dominant and forthright personality, but KfW2 seemed to take it all in her stride, which was good. I'd half a mind to talk about GB/CB and women in general, but I didn't really get the chance. KfW2 mentioned online dating again and CH briefly discussed finding me a woman but neither of these comments led to full-on conversations.

We covered titwanks (well, sex in general), her tits after breastfeeding her kids, complete with bra removal and visual demonstration (under clothes) of how saggy they were (they weren't as bad as she claimed and she was very proud of her pre-pregnancy tits), underwear (with another visual demonstration of what she was wearing) and less titillating topics such as friendships with the opposite sex. It was a very typical CH night.

S appeared later on, and CH's friend popped in briefly as well, so there was a decent turnout.

CH's recent "strange" behaviour continued, though there was less opportunity this time round, but physical contact lasted just a little longer than it perhaps should and even a recounting of this tale was changed in the telling, just enough, to rule out anything untoward. There was a short incident of hand holding for no explicable reason and at least three kisses that I can remember (I was quite drunk by the end of the night, so may not remember the exact details).

When I cheekily chastised her for leaving to go home with her friend, the conversation was a little weird.

Me: "Tsk, at you going home. You should have stayed out longer"
CH: "Why?"
Me: "Cos it's a good night and fun and you don't come out often, so you should maximise the time you get"
CH: "But fun = trouble"
Me: "Where's the trouble?"

And then she went quiet until this morning and hasn't mentioned it at all. This is reminiscent of the text conversation we had a few weeks ago where she obviously has something on her mind but won't vocalise it.

I still don't know if she's playing games (as suggested by USHW) or if this is simply a case of her conscience playing up, but the past few times, I've been playing the game back, doing the same things as she has done - little physical things, making little comments here and there etc. Last night, I had my hands on her tits under the guise of trying to get back my wallet that she'd stolen.

All in all, typical CH and roll on three weeks when potentially CH will be out at the pub again.

Fingers crossed.

After many, many months of talking and many, many attempts at organisation, CH has finally arranged a night out. She's also invited KfW2 (showing their friendship growing), GB, GM and two other co-workers from my past.

GB can't make it - she's already committed to something else (I didn't ask), but I think everyone else will be there at some point.

I'm looking forward to spending some time in the company of three extremely attractive (though unavailable) brunettes. If one of the ex-coworkers wasn't going, I'd be tempted to address both CH and KfW2's comments about finding me someone, but the third girl is perhaps a little too flaky to engage in a serious conversation. That's not to say that the conversation couldn't happen (and the third girl is also a friend of MFF).

The attendance of the other two girls is likely to curtail any of the drunken behaviour that CH has shown previously as well.

It's been touch and go though. Despite only arranging this from last Friday, CH has already cancelled a few times and then reinstated the night out and KfW2 was out today, related to her medical thing from a few weeks ago.

I can't have this postponed - I'm looking forward to it too much for it to not happen at the last minute.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

The work thing that has been ongoing for pretty much the whole of this year looks like it has finally been resolved and I think we have a bit of a result in the outcome - very much more positive than  I had hoped.

Hopefully that should mean a lot less stress which is a relief not just to me, but KfW2 as well. I've been a little concerned about how she's been handling things recently, and this news should be a load off her own mind.

Something else to perk me up

So, I am starting to feel a little jaded and woman issues (or the lack of one) is annoying me again. So, here's Scottie Thompson from some absolute guff.

*Huge Sigh*

Another thing that did come from the chat with KfW2 early last week, apart from GB seeing me as her big brother, was that she has it in her head that I've agreed to try online dating again. Now, I don't know where she got that idea from because I've said to her a few times when we've been talking about my experiences that it really crippled my confidence and I don't think I'm mentally cut out for it. Unless I was horrendously drunk or she was offering me rewards that would make it very worth my while, I find it hard to believe that I would ever have agreed to do it again, even with direct female help (KfW2 wants to write my profile).

The thing is, despite being adamant to USHW and DSC on this very subject, this year has been so tough, mentally, that I am actually considering it. I need something positive to happen.

Ch-ch-changes.

CH has already made changes to next week's plans. Instead of meeting her friend and going out with her, it looks like she's trying to organise a proper night out of her own. She text me yesterday to say that all the arrangements had been made from her perspective and, barring the apocalypse, would be out.

She then asked should I would arrange it or should she? I'm gonna leave this one with her, I think, but it looks like GM, GB, KfW2 and a few others are probably going to be added to the list.

Hmmm...

The conversation with KfW2 has stuttered to a halt, mainly because of the work thing that has been an issue this week. We had gotten to a point where KfW2 had mentioned that GB sees me as her big brother, though that's not really the impression I got at the start of the year after her utter uselessness at talking to MFF and several drunken, barbed comments around March and April on trips to the pub.

While part of me still thinks that there is something being hidden from me regarding CB, I kinda came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. I think I'll just assume that no conversation took place between MFF and CB. If I do manage to see CB out and about and I do end up talking to her, then I'm just going to see where it goes.

In other news, QC1 has been in touch again and we've arranged a lunch date. Coincidentally (not), AM has also been in touch, apologising for her lack of contact and suggesting a lunch date, but I know that her and QC1 have been talking. Sigh.

And finally, CH has suggested that we meet for a drink next week. She'll be out with one of her friends, so I've no idea if this means she'll invite me out with them or she'll sneak off for a quick drink, as she was ready to do a few weeks ago. Chances are, something will come up and she won't come out at all...

...--...

I had big plans for Monday - start a conversation with KfW2 that might lead to some resolution over a few factors that have been playing on my mind recently. And, you know what? I did start the conversation. However, I made a complete hash of it so it's very much a work-in-progress rather than being done and dusted. (Something that USHW predicted quite accurately - sometimes I appear to overestimate my friends' inquisitiveness).

In other news, out of the blue, QC1 text me and asked for a lunch date with her and AM... AM who hasn't replied to either a Facebook message or a text message asking for a lunch date. Undoubtedly, this will be all done under QC1's terms, which is why it's been so long since we had a lunch date - every time I suggest something QC1 has to have a counter-suggestion that she simply cannot change and that means dates, restaurants etc. If she wasn't cute with nice tits, I might have given up caring long ago.

Also, speaking of cute girls and platonic dates, I still haven't heard anything from QC2 despite leaving a few text/Facebook messages. Is it time to call it a day? I'd be sad if that were the case - she's been a good friend to me over the past 21 years and even though we only see each other a few times a year, it's still nice to chat.

Again, on Monday, out of the blue, GB sent an invite to me, KfW2 and CH for a social night at hers. Obviously all husbands etc. are allowed, but I can't summon the enthusiasm to go. I've not yet committed, though KfW2 has and CH is seeing what her husband's availability is like. I guess it's something else to chat to KfW2 about, though this is semi-related to the stuff I'm going through at the minute with her as well and kinda goes back to comments I've made in the past about GB muscling in on her male friends' female friends - CH is a friend of GM and KfW2 is very much my friend.