Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking an awful lot about past dalliances. It's nothing deliberate - I've woken from an unremembered dream with someone in mind. RB, FA2, FBS and a few one night stands/dates who haven't been mentioned before and all within the past few weeks. Last night, it was CAB though this time I remember the dream to an extent.
We meet randomly in a hotel lobby. She looks similar but older and as good as I remember. We go for a drink and a chat in the bar and end up spending the night together when we realise the chemistry is still there. The next morning, as she dresses, I ask for her to stay in touch. She smiles. It's not a happy smile. It's sad or wistful, I can't tell and she walks out the door.
I wake up.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
The more things change...
I'm feeling a little deflated and quite lonely at the moment. There's some ongoing work stuff that's been playing on my mind - I can't even say if it's positive or negative... it's ongoing and needs processed. But the bigger thing is Sports Girl's latest bout of flakiness.
SG spent two weeks trying to persuade me to turn up to a formal event that she was going to. Not to be her date, for clarity, cos that wouldn't have been an issue - she simply wanted me to turn up. I resisted. I don't like landing into another person's event, especially something formal. Plus, with my shyness and confidence issues, I'd need to be speaking to SG (or the three or four others I knew at the event), but I didn't want to take them away from it. Right up until a few hours before the event, SG was still trying to talk me round. I ended up going to S's for a few drinks, then we, in a last-minute change of plans, ended up in a pub. A pub that was only round the corner from SG's event. It was chosen that way because SG implied that she'd join us.
She didn't, of course. As it happens, I was walking past the venue in my hunt for a cab home. I called in and met Mrs FC. SG walked past, but ignored us. Eventually, after about ten minutes, SG realised I was there and hugged me. And that was the last she looked at me for the 45 minutes I was there, waiting for a cab. I could have said good evening when the cab arrived, but I wasn't in the mood. I left without saying anything.
As tends to happen, this causes me to get a bit down, to feel lonely. It's not a singledom thing, though not being single would help. It's about having people that I can count on or who don't let me down often. I'm struggling to think who there is, but really KfW2 is the only candidate... and when she does have to cancel at the last minute, I know she's genuinely sorry. SG, on the other hand, makes so many arrangements that she can't possibly commit to them all. In the brief time I've known her, she's cancelled at the last minute on numerous occasions including a night she invited me to hers for dinner, a night she talked about a trip to the pub before visiting an old boyfriend, gone quiet for a week at a time and various invites to my place for coffee, beers etc.
It's not just SG though. I've faced similar issues with GM and CH as well. These three people are people I feel I connected with which is I feel genuinely hurt when things don't work out. I get annoyed when, for example, S lets me down, but for those three mentioned previously, it's more than that. Partly because I put a lot into my friendships with those I connect with and partly, because of the connection I feel, I (illogically) hold these people to higher standards. It hurts when I don't get a fraction of that in return. In my opinion, there's more to friendship than simply turning up to the pub every so often.
I disastrously tried to address that with CH last year. I don't know if that friendship will ever recover. I have toyed with the idea of talking to SG about this, but I don't know if its a good idea - the timing is bad and I'm not entirely sure that it would have any effect. She's flaky/flighty and I don't think she'll ever change. You just have to put up with the negative as well as the positive (and don't get me wrong, SG has a lot going for her, not least her empathy).
SG spent two weeks trying to persuade me to turn up to a formal event that she was going to. Not to be her date, for clarity, cos that wouldn't have been an issue - she simply wanted me to turn up. I resisted. I don't like landing into another person's event, especially something formal. Plus, with my shyness and confidence issues, I'd need to be speaking to SG (or the three or four others I knew at the event), but I didn't want to take them away from it. Right up until a few hours before the event, SG was still trying to talk me round. I ended up going to S's for a few drinks, then we, in a last-minute change of plans, ended up in a pub. A pub that was only round the corner from SG's event. It was chosen that way because SG implied that she'd join us.
She didn't, of course. As it happens, I was walking past the venue in my hunt for a cab home. I called in and met Mrs FC. SG walked past, but ignored us. Eventually, after about ten minutes, SG realised I was there and hugged me. And that was the last she looked at me for the 45 minutes I was there, waiting for a cab. I could have said good evening when the cab arrived, but I wasn't in the mood. I left without saying anything.
As tends to happen, this causes me to get a bit down, to feel lonely. It's not a singledom thing, though not being single would help. It's about having people that I can count on or who don't let me down often. I'm struggling to think who there is, but really KfW2 is the only candidate... and when she does have to cancel at the last minute, I know she's genuinely sorry. SG, on the other hand, makes so many arrangements that she can't possibly commit to them all. In the brief time I've known her, she's cancelled at the last minute on numerous occasions including a night she invited me to hers for dinner, a night she talked about a trip to the pub before visiting an old boyfriend, gone quiet for a week at a time and various invites to my place for coffee, beers etc.
It's not just SG though. I've faced similar issues with GM and CH as well. These three people are people I feel I connected with which is I feel genuinely hurt when things don't work out. I get annoyed when, for example, S lets me down, but for those three mentioned previously, it's more than that. Partly because I put a lot into my friendships with those I connect with and partly, because of the connection I feel, I (illogically) hold these people to higher standards. It hurts when I don't get a fraction of that in return. In my opinion, there's more to friendship than simply turning up to the pub every so often.
I disastrously tried to address that with CH last year. I don't know if that friendship will ever recover. I have toyed with the idea of talking to SG about this, but I don't know if its a good idea - the timing is bad and I'm not entirely sure that it would have any effect. She's flaky/flighty and I don't think she'll ever change. You just have to put up with the negative as well as the positive (and don't get me wrong, SG has a lot going for her, not least her empathy).
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Some randomness.
I was due to go to KfW2's last night for drinks and stay over. However, a medical issue of sorts meant it had to be postponed. I'm disappointed of course. I don't spend nearly enough time with KfW2 as I would like (even with her family commitments). I might use this as leverage to see if I can't get her and CH out to the pub. At the very least, a weekend lunch out followed by a couple of hours in a bar or shopping or getting coffee.
As a result of that, I tried to get S out to the pub for a couple of hours. Disappointingly, he read the message I sent, but didn't bother replying. It seems that I am destined to meet people who are appalling at replying to messages. It wouldn't matter if he was unavailable or simply didn't fancy it, but a couple of words reply would be polite!
From the impromptu dinner a few nights ago, I overheard SG talk to GM about a mutual friend of theirs. Apparently SG has ideas about introducing us. I'm all for that. My own friends don't (as far as I am aware) do that enough. The only problem is that it means turning up to a gala, formal dinner. Ignoring the fact that the night before, I am out with FBS, D, Opinionated Guy and Friction Guy and so might not be physically able, I don't like turning up to other people's events. It's their night out, so they should enjoy it plus I don't want to hear them witter on endlessly about their sporting hobby - something that to a lot of them, is a huge part of their life.
To be fair, SG is going about it the right way... don't mention it to me and simply put us together and see what happens. It's what I asked QC1 to do when she was talking about blind dates a few years ago and it's what I do when I am trying to get people together. I simply overheard her talking about it, which is a pity.
And the last thing is that I had a weird dream last night where I ended up dating a girl from work. There were other details - we were living and working in a foreign country - somewhere warm - and then all of a sudden we were dating. Weird. She is cute, though way too young for me and I've never really thought about her in any depth before.
As a result of that, I tried to get S out to the pub for a couple of hours. Disappointingly, he read the message I sent, but didn't bother replying. It seems that I am destined to meet people who are appalling at replying to messages. It wouldn't matter if he was unavailable or simply didn't fancy it, but a couple of words reply would be polite!
From the impromptu dinner a few nights ago, I overheard SG talk to GM about a mutual friend of theirs. Apparently SG has ideas about introducing us. I'm all for that. My own friends don't (as far as I am aware) do that enough. The only problem is that it means turning up to a gala, formal dinner. Ignoring the fact that the night before, I am out with FBS, D, Opinionated Guy and Friction Guy and so might not be physically able, I don't like turning up to other people's events. It's their night out, so they should enjoy it plus I don't want to hear them witter on endlessly about their sporting hobby - something that to a lot of them, is a huge part of their life.
To be fair, SG is going about it the right way... don't mention it to me and simply put us together and see what happens. It's what I asked QC1 to do when she was talking about blind dates a few years ago and it's what I do when I am trying to get people together. I simply overheard her talking about it, which is a pity.
And the last thing is that I had a weird dream last night where I ended up dating a girl from work. There were other details - we were living and working in a foreign country - somewhere warm - and then all of a sudden we were dating. Weird. She is cute, though way too young for me and I've never really thought about her in any depth before.
Friday, April 15, 2016
Pondering.
A semi-impromptu night out during the week for SG's birthday raised more questions about the relationship between SG and GM. Now, they're both grown, single adults, so it's not as if anyone's doing anything wrong, but their whole dynamic just seems weird to me.
They're good friends. I understand that. I have my own, close female friends such as KfW2, so I'm not one of those who automatically assumes something non-platonic is going on between two people simply because one's a boy and one's a girl.
But there seems to be a lot of family days going on - GM out with SG and her daughter. SG spent Xmas at GM's parents. GM paid for four meals during the week (part of which robbed the rest of us of the opportunity to buy SG's dinner - a "tradition" we've started). GM has often cried off nights out in the past because of lack of funds, so spending over £100 in this way shows his priorities. There are other examples of this. SG is the same. Supposed quiet nights in turn out to be her going to GM's, often with her daughter in tow.
Yet... both GM and SG claim to be single, though SG got distressed when I "found" her on Tinder a few weeks ago. She seemed to over-react to what was a simple error.
Would I be as close to KfW2 if she were single? I probably would, but I doubt KfW2 would be spending Xmas at my parents, for example.
They're good friends. I understand that. I have my own, close female friends such as KfW2, so I'm not one of those who automatically assumes something non-platonic is going on between two people simply because one's a boy and one's a girl.
But there seems to be a lot of family days going on - GM out with SG and her daughter. SG spent Xmas at GM's parents. GM paid for four meals during the week (part of which robbed the rest of us of the opportunity to buy SG's dinner - a "tradition" we've started). GM has often cried off nights out in the past because of lack of funds, so spending over £100 in this way shows his priorities. There are other examples of this. SG is the same. Supposed quiet nights in turn out to be her going to GM's, often with her daughter in tow.
Yet... both GM and SG claim to be single, though SG got distressed when I "found" her on Tinder a few weeks ago. She seemed to over-react to what was a simple error.
Would I be as close to KfW2 if she were single? I probably would, but I doubt KfW2 would be spending Xmas at my parents, for example.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
No pain, no gain.
Today, I re-started my journey to fitness and weight loss. It wasn't a huge first step - literally about ten minutes of stretching out, but I've always been a fan of building up to things. I think the term for is it "kaizen" - it's a collection of a number of ideas, but one of them is that big results come from many small changes accumulated over time.
The ultimate goal will be regular DDP Yoga sessions, some light weight training from a YouTube channel that I think USHW recommended to me a year or so ago and maybe ( just maybe) a Couch 2 5K programme. All of this will be done on top of, I hope, better portion management and generally better eating.
I'm busy, socially, this month, but I'm hoping that May will be a dry month in terms of alcohol that would also help. By the time this month ends, I'll have progressed to some DDP Yoga sessions plus made progress in other areas.
I should have done this a month or so ago to be in better shape for the summer. The last time I did this, I lost about 11 lbs across three months without really cutting out booze, so the results were there to see.
I don't want to step on the scales though. I actually think this is the heaviest I've ever been.
The ultimate goal will be regular DDP Yoga sessions, some light weight training from a YouTube channel that I think USHW recommended to me a year or so ago and maybe ( just maybe) a Couch 2 5K programme. All of this will be done on top of, I hope, better portion management and generally better eating.
I'm busy, socially, this month, but I'm hoping that May will be a dry month in terms of alcohol that would also help. By the time this month ends, I'll have progressed to some DDP Yoga sessions plus made progress in other areas.
I should have done this a month or so ago to be in better shape for the summer. The last time I did this, I lost about 11 lbs across three months without really cutting out booze, so the results were there to see.
I don't want to step on the scales though. I actually think this is the heaviest I've ever been.
Tuesday, April 05, 2016
Dancing Queen
Around this time last week, SG did something unexpected... she arranged a night out. Well, kinda. She suggested a night out... then went quiet for a few days, even with me prompting for more information.
Finally, on Saturday, she messaged me and started making arrangements. Despite the, in my opinion, relative last minute scramble, we managed to get GM and S interested as well.
I invited everyone around to mine for pre-pub drinks, and to my surprise, everyone turned up! SG was wearing a very foxy red dress that she'd bought a while ago, GM had some new threads on that became the focus for our banter for the night.
We went to one of my favourite bars in the city - it hosts a really great disco and SG wanted to dance. However, it wasn't to be - the club night had been cancelled. We ended up in my second favourite bar in the city - one that KfW2 and myself used to sneak off to. SG pulled me up to dance and I was throwing her around the floor, she kinda popped out. It had been threatening all night, to be honest, so movement on the dancefloor made that a reality.
I pulled her in close so she could fix her while I laughed uproariously. She stumbled back to her seat (she was quite drunk at this stage) and I sat down and continued to laugh at SG.
Then she grabbed me again and dragged me to the bar. Holding my hand, she pulled me close and told me why she had been distant recently. I had suspected that it was the same issue that's been bothering her for a while now and this was indeed the case. Rather than chastise her for backing off, I told her that she simply needed to share more with her friends.
We got turned away from another club for SG being too drunk (she was being drunkenly stubborn at this stage) and the three of them pottered off to a club that I don't like.
I ordered a taxi and came home.
It was nice to get them out. It was nice to see SG socially and get confirmation that I hadn't done anything to offend her, but again, her flakiness is frustrating.
Finally, on Saturday, she messaged me and started making arrangements. Despite the, in my opinion, relative last minute scramble, we managed to get GM and S interested as well.
I invited everyone around to mine for pre-pub drinks, and to my surprise, everyone turned up! SG was wearing a very foxy red dress that she'd bought a while ago, GM had some new threads on that became the focus for our banter for the night.
We went to one of my favourite bars in the city - it hosts a really great disco and SG wanted to dance. However, it wasn't to be - the club night had been cancelled. We ended up in my second favourite bar in the city - one that KfW2 and myself used to sneak off to. SG pulled me up to dance and I was throwing her around the floor, she kinda popped out. It had been threatening all night, to be honest, so movement on the dancefloor made that a reality.
I pulled her in close so she could fix her while I laughed uproariously. She stumbled back to her seat (she was quite drunk at this stage) and I sat down and continued to laugh at SG.
Then she grabbed me again and dragged me to the bar. Holding my hand, she pulled me close and told me why she had been distant recently. I had suspected that it was the same issue that's been bothering her for a while now and this was indeed the case. Rather than chastise her for backing off, I told her that she simply needed to share more with her friends.
We got turned away from another club for SG being too drunk (she was being drunkenly stubborn at this stage) and the three of them pottered off to a club that I don't like.
I ordered a taxi and came home.
It was nice to get them out. It was nice to see SG socially and get confirmation that I hadn't done anything to offend her, but again, her flakiness is frustrating.
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