Feeling off.

I've been feeling off over the past 48 hours or so. I'm struggling a little to make sense of it. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed, and that's being fed by the house stuff that I need to do and the logistics around that. 

The family stuff hasn't helped and it's ongoing - it'll take up some of my time today and tomorrow for sure. I took all last week as annual leave, but I don't feel recharged in the same way that I did with a week off at the start of July. There's other stuff going on as well, but I can't identify what it is or how to process it.

There might be an element of work stuff, but work's OK at the moment. It's just a general long-term worry that I have.

And the result, when I'm feeling this way, is that the loneliness kicks in. At least part of it is a need or desire to talk to someone. Someone close to me, but not family. Talking to my sister doesn't really scratch that itch. The night out with KfW2 will help, as long as there's no mucking about. And I haven't ruled that out and it's still 2 weeks away.

And another thing...

Going back to the post I made yesterday about the anxiety kicking in with regards the home improvements. It's more than simply not being able to deal with people, but something akin to decision paralysis as well. I see the work that needs done, but I can't get my head around where I should start. It's why I've always wanted someone to oversee the entire project (for a fee). Yes, it might cost me an extra couple of thousand pounds, but the work would have been done long ago if that were the case. Managing it myself is where the delays come in as I procrastinate due to the anxiety/stress that it all causes me.

Additionally, I rely on my sister and brother-in-law for advice, for two reasons. Firstly, my brother-in-law is kinda in the construction industry and secondly, they've had LOADS of building and renovation work done to multiple properties, so I go to get feedback and bounce ideas off them. But as I've said before, they're massively inconsistent. Advice they might give me today would not be the same advice they give me at the weekend. That breeds doubt. Doubt breeds stress and anxiety.

And while it might seem minor to other people, I'm really proud of myself that I've started this work that could take until next summer to be complete.

Grrr...

Adulting fucking sucks. I'm dealing with more family stuff - financial this time. And it always feels like there's more trouble than it worth. Like I can't just pick up a phone or send an email and get it sorted. There's paper work, applications... stuff that just rears its head for seemingly no reason.

And I think that's bleeding into some stuff that I want to do for me, to the house, and up until now I've been quite excited about getting the work done despite the fact it's going to decimate my savings, but now I'm suddenly anxious about it.

Sigh. 

A lot of nerve.

The workmen haven't arrived yet, but the guy from across the street has already knocked on the door to say he hasn't forgotten about his second car, but he's lost his keys and there's a tow truck coming. That alleviates some of the anxiety/stress.

I still need to knock on my neighbour's door and ask her to move her car, but I am aware it's still early, so I'll leave it until 9 AM.

I've no idea when the workmen are due to arrive, but hopefully it won't be until after the neighbours have moved their cars.

[Update: 915] She's still not out of bed, which is frustrating because on any other day, she'd be up and about by 8 AM. By my reckoning, I've tried to talk to her half a dozen times since mid-afternoon yesterday. Sigh.

[Update 2: 940] The tow truck has just arrived. At least that's one problem solved, and the workmen haven't shown up yet. 

[Update 3: 1000] The tow truck guy couldn't help - there was no space to hook up the car, so the best he could do was push it back a few metres. And my neighbour still isn't out of bed, otherwise he could have pushed it back quite a bit and made loads of room. However... the workmen have turned up and the lack of space is inconvenient but not a blocker to them doing the work. All that stress and effort for nothing.

Still nervy.

So the guy from across the street only moved one of his cars. I'm hoping he moves the other tonight or before the workmen show up tomorrow. Annoyingly, my direct neighbour (not the one mentioned earlier) decided she wasn't going to park in her driveway, as she ways does, but has parked her car in the space vacated by opposite guy which, to be fair, is right in front of her house.

I've knocked on her door four times this afternoon and evening to no answer and my most recent and last attempt, all the lights were out. So she's either gone to bed or she's gone out.

There's an outside chance that the workmen will refuse to do the work if there are no parking spaces in front of my house tomorrow, which is causing some anxiety, but I can say honestly that I've made the effort to arrange the space and it can't be held against me if my neighbours are uncooperative.

Nervy.

I barely slept last night. I think it was nerves because I had to talk to a few neighbours about work that I'm getting done to my house tomorrow. Now, I have no issues with my direct next door neighbours - they're lovely. 

It's the people who live directly opposite me that were causing anxiety. I've no reason to think badly of them, but I've never actually spoken to them in the ten years I've lived here and the thought of rapping on their door to ask a favour filled me with dread. 

They do, however, own three cars and a motorhome, that takes up more than their fair share of parking space in the street, and that's what I needed to chat to them about. 

Thankfully, while I was talking to my direct neighbour, they came out of the house and I was able to ask them to move their cars for tomorrow. 

So, all sorted. Phew.

Let's go.

A while ago, I was talking to Nerdy Girl about trying to get fitter. I explained to her that I thought a lot of my problem was not motivation but more that I got overwhelmed with the amount of information that was available to me and an inability to filter it out or make it all less complex was off-putting.

She was supportive and gave it a name, but I can't remember the phrase that she used.

I did find this post/article on the web which really hits home.

I think I had a similar conversation with USHW years ago around the same thing.

It's not just fitness, though, it's pretty much anything.

I'm currently trying to plan some work on the house - an upgrade of my heating system. I need to get the gas supplier out to ensure I can get gas (I know that I can, but that's a box that needs ticking). I also need to engage with fitters, to get a quote. I need to engage with the council, to get approval. And then I need to get the work done. And I'm sat here, looking at about twelve different websites wondering where the fuck I actually start.

I've gone down this road before and given up because I could only get 1 company at a time to give me a quote, and by the time I could get a second company out, the quote from the first one had lapsed.

But I need to be proactive on this one. My current boiler is on its last legs, so I reckon I'll need a new boiler before the end of the year regardless of getting a fuel conversion done. But a fuel conversion will open up the ability to do more work to the house by reducing or changing the pipes.

I've emailed the council. Baby steps.

Bailed.

Within the last week, I've "bailed" on Nerdy Girl, twice. Bailed in quotes. The first time was last weekend. She was out for her birthday with at least one other friend. However, it was also my niece's birthday, so that was out, immediately. So not really bailed, per se.

I was also meant to be out tonight. Nerdy Girl is leaving her current job and tonight was her leaving party. Even though we don't work for the same company any more, and haven't done for about 4 years, she invited me out.

I actually turned up at the bar, though. I did a quick lap and I couldn't find her. There was one corner where she might have been, but I would have needed to climb over people to see. I also could have called her but my social anxiety was in overdrive, so I went for least resistance. I think that was partly tiredness related. I got about three hours of sleep last night. I've had a splitting headache all day, which is never a good sign for me.

I decided that I'd get a pint, and hang about for however long it took me to drink it. If I hadn't spotted her or someone I knew by the time I'd finished, then I'd leave.

And that's what happened. I'm literally just in through the door. I'm fully expecting NG to call or text within the hour to see why I never showed up, so that's a chat I get to have. She does kinda know about my social anxiety, but I reckon, like KfW2, she never processes the extent to which it cripples me.

And it usually gets worse if I am feeling under the weather. Which I am.

To be honest, even if I had spotted Nerdy Girl, chances are I'd have been rubbish company. The tiredness and social anxiety would have made me really quiet. And I know for a fact that KfW2 can't deal with me like that. I don't know if NG can.

Plus, I'm out with FBS, D, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy tomorrow. I want to be in better shape for that.

I am angry at myself for bailing on NG. But I am also about ten minutes away from falling asleep.

Yawn.

I don't know what it is, but I've been so tired over the past week or so. I suspect it might be at least partially linked to my unhappiness with work at the minute that's causing a little stress and anxiety. I've yet to sit down and decide what it is I want to do, and how to go about it.

Sleepless nights.

Rather than go for a walk, Nerdy Girl and I went to a local bar and played pool. She's good company, and while I would have preferred a walk, it's at least getting me out of the house.  I've been more social this month than in any other since before the first Covid lockdown. And it turned out to be an eventful few hours where we couldn't decide if the two girls at the table next to us were on a date or not (we eventually decided that they were but there was no chemistry), Nerdy Girl's extremely well-paid new job and other, general, work-related stuff.

What was probably most surprising was that, during the chat about work, I realised that I am extremely unhappy in my current job. I'm not 100% sure about one of my co-workers. He's terse to the point of being rude, and I can't shake the feeling he doesn't like me. That could be true, it could be paranoia. There's also now an on-call requirement for the job that didn't exist last year, and the compensation for that is laughably insulting. There's also the fact that I've been feeling, for the past few years, that it's time to move into something new, rather than the same thing I've been doing for the past 13 years. And potentially some imposter syndrome, as well.

That's carried into today rather than being a fleeting feeling. It might also be a symptom of having really poor sleep this week. Four nights in a row, I've not had a decent night's sleep. It's all dozing, followed by tossing and turning for a while then more dozing. When I'm tired, I am a lot more emotional, so it could be that. Regardless, professionally speaking, I'm not in a good place right now.

Oh, and Nerdy Girl asked me to take one of her friends out on a pity date. We talked through it. I didn't say "yes", but I also didn't say "no" either. I've mentioned before that I don't do blind dates, even though this wasn't a proper date per se but more a practice date like the one MM asked me to do ages ago. From my perspective, it's left up ion the air. I dunno if Nerdy Girl assumes it's a hard "no", but I'll address it if it comes up again.

Oh. Monday Blues.

I don't know if it was the huge amount of gin that I drank on Saturday evening or finally getting the night out with KfW2, some other factor or a combination of everything, but I felt really lonely all day yesterday. I think it's been building for a while, to be honest, but I think getting out with KfW2 was a trigger. A reminder of pre-Covid times, a friend who genuinely cares and a desire to meet someone new.

It was a busy week as well. I was on-call with work, so strictly speaking I had to be within 30 mins of my laptop at any time. That restricted me to an extent, and I had to get a timeout from work specifically for going out with KfW2. That stressed me out somewhat.  The last time something like that happened, it ended up going really badly. The leak in my roof, which I thought had been fixed, came back on Thursday evening. Despite calling the roofer who did the work (it has a 6-month guarantee), I've yet to hear back from him. That's going to fuck with my social anxiety for a while.

However, on the plus side, I'm meeting BR and his wife tomorrow (other people like M and MM could be there, too). I have Friday off work, and I might be out for a few beers on Thursday evening.

I'm still feeling it a bit now, but I don't know how much of that is just Monday Blues.

Just talking.

Despite watching me for pretty much the entirety of our 13-year (and counting) friendship, KfW2 often forgets about my social anxiety issues. She's seen me be awkward and quiet in groups of strangers, large and small. I've spoken at length about my shyness on top of other social anxiety issues and I've touched upon, though not gone into any detail about, my introversion.

So, it was a bit of a surprise when KfW2 followed up a text message with a phone call last evening. We spent most of the 45-minute call talking about her upcoming week, a training course and meeting new people. She cited her own social anxiety and how it's affected her recently. We'd talked about it before, but it seemed a lot less impactful than my own. I've seen her in groups of people and she always seemed at ease meeting new people.

Last night, though, painted a new picture. Per her admission, it seems that she's as bad as I am, or nearly as bad. If she were as bad as I am, she'd still be working alongside me on a daily basis. However, I don't want to turn this into a "who's worse?" competition. We're due to actually meet in person to do fun stuff next weekend, and I hope it's something we can maybe go to a pub, sit in a corner and talk about in more detail.

Eye-opener?

I don't know what the kicker is, but I've been feeling really down today. I don't know if that kicked off the KfW2 funk or the other way around. I've also been feeling really off about work, too. An apathy and general unhappiness all rolled into one. 

I think part of that is I'm feeling quite pessimistic about a requested pay rise that I asked for about a month ago. My boss is meant to be having a meeting with me, but the last update I had was Tuesday. You'd assume that any good news would be communicated quickly, wouldn't you?

So even though I just started a new job at the start of the year, being refused the pay rise (despite offering a load of objective evidence why I should get one) isn't going to help my current ambiguity about whether this is what I want to be doing.

There were anxiety issues that were a problem at the tail end of 2021 that I still haven't addressed. You may remember that the attractive HR girl had given me some stuff to follow up on, so I definitely need to do that. Again, this isn't procrastination but rather a memory issue. I remember now that I want to look into this. Come Monday morning, when I settle into work, will I remember to get the details and follow up on them? That's been the issue with a lot of things, including house renovation and other to-do tasks over the past year or so.

I think I need to sit down, give myself a really hard kick in the fucking arse and start making more of an effort on several fronts.

Paying dividends.

There was a meeting at work last week... company survey results are out. It's not good. Mid-grade, long-term employees (like me) are extremely unhappy.

It's all part of The Great Resignation, I think. My personal take on it is that I think there's a fatigue in play. Long-term employees are fed up with guff being added to our goals in the name of company culture. It sucks all the fun and value out of being involved in things like equality, innovation, training committees etc. I've been involved in all those things over the years, but I still see people like Brusque Guy get promotions for doing his core job and nothing more.

If I moved jobs to another company, I could get a 40% pay rise without breaking a sweat. However, the interview process will undoubtedly kill me, and I still haven't looked into the links that the attractive HR woman shared with me at the start of the year. 

I was contemplating asking for a raise in work and was planning on doing that this coming week until my boss reminded me that she's off for two weeks. It'll give me a chance to collate some information, have a chat with KfW2 and see if I can't prise some company information out of her (like the salary range for my grade).

I'll likely not get what I want (my gut reckons about 10% to be happy), but something would be nice. It's not a threat, either. Even if I were motivated, I'm months away from being in a position to apply for other jobs, so this is just a simple request that may drive other decisions.

But you gotta be in it to win it, right?

Quiet introspection.

Ever get the feeling you've committed some kind of faux pas, but can't actually figure it out? That's what I've been feeling this week after babysitting for KfW2 at the weekend.

She kindly paid for my taxi home, though I did try and turn down the money. It was my decision to go home rather than sleep over, so I was happy to accept the cost of the taxi. She wanted me to stay over, though.

I woke to a couple of WhatsApp messages on Sunday morning. The first was thanking me for babysitting and asking if I was OK. I was quiet, apparently. The second message was deleted.

It kinda annoyed me. KfW2 and I have had plenty of conversations about my social anxiety, and how I tend to sit on the sidelines of conversations when I feel out of my comfort zone. Saturday night was no exception. I was an outsider and everyone else was KfW2's family. 

While it was nice that she noticed that I was quiet, there was frustration that I had to explain, yet again, my social anxiety and introversion and that there wasn't anything wrong per se.

So that, plus the deleted message, has gotten me a little paranoid.

Walky and talky.

The weather was nice, so I went for a walk with Nerdy Girl. From an exercise point of view, it was great. I walked just over six miles (though due to a GPS failure it's only recorded as 5 miles). We did our usual route of going from CB Bar, through a local park, out to some tourist attractions and back again.

But part of the conversation we had was Nerdy Girl teasing me about my anxiety from last year. I was facing potential redundancy last year and interviews were causing panic attacks. I was sharing this with NG who was laughing.

Interesting. I called her on it.

"I'm not entirely impressed that you're finding my anxiety issues funny. I was stressed out for pretty much all of last year."

I think it hit her when I said that. I've often mentioned anxiety issues, especially around interviews and stuff. She apologised immediately and that was that.

So, six miles later... more blisters. I've tried different shoes and socks and I still get blisters. Maybe it's just the distance and my feet are broken?