Messy.

When I was dating FA2, we were invited to a party, hosted by her friend. For the sake of this story, I shall call her Sarah. At this stage, I'd been dating FA2 for around six months. Sarah had split from her husband (he had been cheating on her) and she'd ended up dating this guy. I can't remember how he figured in all of this, but between Sarah splitting from her husband and dating this guy, he was apparently interested in FA2.

Sarah came to me at an after-party for one of FA2's amateur dramatics performances.

"He's interested in FA2, you know."

"Well, she's dating me, so he's kinda out of luck." I probably wasn't as nonchalant as that sentence would suggest, but I was pretty dismissive being sure, at the time, that FA2 wouldn't do anything.

I think Sarah mistook my attitude of borderline apathy for one where I would smack this potential suitor down.

"I'm pretty sure she's not the one he has his eye on, though." I countered.

"Him? Who, me?"

I nodded. She snorted.

A few months later, and Sarah's invite came through to a party hosted by her and her new boyfriend, the potential suitor... at his house.

I'm not good with meeting new people and apart from Sarah, Potential Suitor and FA2, I'd know no-one. That scared me. I think FA2 recognised that, but she wanted to go.

"I'll make it up to you," she promised.

So we went to the party and I was out of my comfort zone for far too long - probably about 6 hours. Every single second was a living hell for me though I made the effort to try and mingle instead of cling to FA2. When we left (and we were the last to leave), Sarah was extremely grateful to me for turning up. I presume FA2 had shared some details of my social anxiety with Sarah.

By the time we get back to FA2's, I was mentally exhausted and fell asleep almost immediately. That was unusual for me - ordinarily, I'd have made some moves on FA2 for sex.

I woke later than usual the next day. FA2 was nowhere to be seen. She appeared not long after as I dozed with a tray. I was intrigued. It turned out to be fresh fruit and whipped cream and we proceeded to have an enjoyable morning of adult fun with the tray's contents. By the time we were finished, we were both exhausted, sticky but satisfied. FA2 wrapped herself around me.

"Told you I'd make it up to you," she purred.

I managed to summon the energy to drag FA2 into the shower, for a final round of fun and to get clean, and the rest of the day was spent lounging on the sofa, watching telly.

I don't know what that was the first thing on my mind when I woke this morning. I don't remember it being part of a dream or anything, but it put me in mind of wanting a cream cake. There's a bakery close at hand that does great ones, so I treated myself this morning to two of them. That's one craving satisfied.

Family friendly.

Q: What do last night, tonight, next Wednesday and the following Saturday have in common?

A: I'm baby-sitting.

I've never wanted kids. I thought I did when dating FA2, but I think that was more a sub-conscious thing at the time, knowing that my relationship with FA2 was doomed if we ever sat down and talked about kids. Having kids was a deal-breaker for me. Not having kids was a deal-breaker for her.

But kids love me.

Last night it was for my sis. The next three times, it's for KfW2, though arguably the last time will have both myself and KfW2. I'm just there for the brief period when she goes to pick up her husband from a night out.

Talky. Movey. Friendy.

A few weeks ago, while chatting to JB at a work event, we were talking about CC. In fact, we were in contact with her via text, trying to get her to come out, but she was having none of it.

JB then stated that she thought CC had a hard time talking to people.

"I think she relies on us because she finds us easy to talk to, more than other people."

She does have a hard time talking to people. Sometimes, talking to me, even I find her difficult. KfW2 has said the same, though I get the impression that KfW2 finds her a lot more difficult than I do. At least, difficult more frequently.

She only lives a few hundred metres from my house, but I've never been to her's. That's going to change though, because she's asked me to give her a hand moving some furniture, presumably over the next few days.

Socially speaking.

Over the next few weeks, I have lots of time off. Being astoundingly busy during the first half of the year, with little availability for time off means I had almost two thirds of my leave entitlement to take in the last third of the year.

I had gone to my boss about this in the summer - wanting/needing to take time off but not having the opportunity - but he was useless. All he did was re-enforce the importance of the work I was doing and the timescales I had to do the work. So... in going to my boss to complain about pressure and stress, all he did was add more pressure and stress and meant I was back-loading the year for time off.

Socially, it's a busy end of the year. It usually is. I'm babysitting for my sister on Wednesday, otherwise I might have attended a speed dating event (pending moral support from GM). In a few weeks, I'm babysitting for KfW2. There are TWO work things going on, but my anger and frustration at the current favouritism means I might not attend.

There's also an annual day/evening out that usually means S, GM, FP, KfW2 and possibly FC and Mrs FC come out, amongst others. The numbers could be smaller this year, but S has already started talking about it.

All of this revolves around days off - I'm working a shorter week for at least three weeks in a row and I have an entire week off at the end of the year for Christmas.

Result! Result?

There has been a flurry of activity on my Facebook account due to me posting a photo of little Ruuude in his youth. As a result I've been checking Facebook a little more often than I do usually. So this morning, I saw that Ideas Girl was out last night.

And this morning, I awoke to no drunk messages or abuse.

Maybe the "talk" I had with her a few weeks ago hit home? Or maybe she just wasn't drunk enough to be horny and abusive?

We will rock you. (Part 2)

My first foreign holiday, years ago, was memorable and not just because it was the first. Initially, I didn't really want to go. The idea of spending two weeks away from my friends in blazing hot sun was not filling me with positivity. However, I met a really pleasant young German girl, called Stefanie, who helped the time pass and my cousin was also there. He may have had his eye on Stefanie himself, but it seemed he was out of luck.

It also transpired that I was holidaying within meters of a girl I would later develop a huge crush on at school (who ended up dating my cousin - karma?) Our paths didn't cross that summer, but subsequent conversations did shed light on the fact we were in the same resort at the same time.

These memories came back to me today as I was looking at the tour list for the band I referred to in this post. It was at the same place that I'd holidayed all those years ago. Should I say to FP about getting tickets?

Crazy/hot

Over the past few days, V has posted a few pictures on Facebook. Selfies, actually. And... WOW! I mean, I've always been attracted to her, she's a pretty, interesting girl. But the recent photos are something else.

And yet... the crazy still shines through. I think it's possible she's even more crazy than Sports Girl. For example, she replies to her own posts.  Not anyone else's replies - she replies to herself. And "like" her own posts. She's definitely above the line in the crazy/hot matrix:

And nearly every post has something about her being vegan. That's not crazy though, that's just being vegan.

We will rock you.

The last few days have seen a flurry of activity. One of my favourite bands is coming to my city to play a gig next summer and FP and I have been trying to get pre-sale tickets. The last time it happened, I introduced FP and his wife to KfW2 and her then fiance. They hit it off, big time, and we all had a brilliant day that we still talk about today.

KfW2 and FP still have banter directly and they ask me if the other is coming out to any social thing I arrange.

It doesn't look like KfW2 can make it this time around, due to financial reasons (though she wants to), but I've just noticed her closest friend sending out some signals about going. KfW2 may make it yet, but the odds are not good.

Things to consider.

KfW2 seems to be very insistent that I will (inevitably) end up joining her new team in work. Apparently her boss has said he's going to re-advertise the job that I'd applied for a few weeks back in the New Year and has made encouraging noises about me. Everyone's (KfW2 and her boss) assumption seems to be that I'll go for it, but I wasn't even THAT excited about it last time, using it as a means to tell my boss how unhappy I was. He still hasn't had a chat with me to talk about it in detail.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I made it clear to my friends that I was planning on withdrawing my application if I actually got anywhere near an interview. I didn't because my boss apparently emailed HR and told them I wasn't available.

But for all the above to happen, they'd have to advertise it at a level that would mean a promotion for me. A sideways move at the same grade will be blocked by my boss. That does make it a little more tempting.

Watching.

On one of the forums that I frequent, someone posted a link to a site where it's like a 24-7 big brother. People are paid (or given free rent or both) to have their lives filmed for subscribers. It piqued my interest, so I clicked the link and, like some kind of inception, I'm watching, via webcams, someone making a film in an apartment in another timezone. Maybe Moscow.

One of the crew is a stunning brunette with a bob haircut and great figure. I'm having more fun watching her than the film-making going on.

Urgh.

So, last night got interesting. I had FBS in my bedroom, the office, the living room and the spare room. Not for the reasons you're thinking, dear reader. Get your mind out of the gutter (which is where mine was last night), but I had invited FBS back to mine for a drink after the pub and I was showing her my house.

Originally, D had called at the last minute to say he couldn't make it. Within minutes, Friction Guy messaged to say he wouldn't be coming out. That left me, FBS and potentially Opinionated Guy. Opinionated Guy has, in the past, simply not shown up for our nights out, or turned up hours late. It was going to be messy. It was a much earlier start than I'm used to and though we tend to finish earlier to avoid kicking out time, it's not that much earlier than the traditional closing time.

"What do we do?" sent FBS in a message.

"I'm still game to meet if you are," I replied.

"OK, see you there."

I was a little apprehensive. FBS and I have not really spent any time alone, nor spent any time chatting with each other since, well, when we were sleeping together. Any time since, there's always been a group of people and for years, I always found it to be awkward. So, I was interested to see how this was going to turn out. If OG was going to show up, it wouldn't be until a couple of hours after FBS and I met. Would it be awkward?

It wasn't - the conversation and laughs flowed easily and OG did show up roughly when we expected him, but the entire evening flew in.

It was 3 AM when FBS left and I collapsed onto the bed and awoke at 8 AM still fully clothed and hungover.

List of hangover cures and who introduced me to them:

• Sex (FA2)
• Lemonade and pure orange juice (E)
• Pint of ice cold Coke and... ahem... manual stimulation (BR)

I've tried E and BR's and it's still not shifted the hangover and I obviously have no-one with whom to try FA2's. It's going to be a long day. And I should say that I had hungover sex before I dated FA2, but she was the one to equate sex to reducing or removing hangover symptoms.

Phew!

I'd gotten my dates wrong. Instead of going out with D, FBS etc. on Friday night, it was Saturday night instead. That's unusual for us, but people's circumstances have changed and it's no longer just handy for us to meet after work.

However, that potentially scuppered other plans - something I needed to do for work at 4 AM on Sunday morning, for example. Could I come in from the pub at 2 AM, drunk, and either stay awake until 4 AM (unlikely - I'm a sleepy drunk) or wake up (unlikely, I'm a sleepy drunk).

However, a text message from Stalky Guy means that's now been cancelled! That's a result. I'd rather have a big lottery win mind you, if I am deserving of some luck.

Sigh (Part 2)

You know, I think KfW2's right. I think my issues talking to my boss are threefold:

• An uncertain feeling about how he'll take criticism
• Lack of confidence in one-on-one conversations
• An inability to talk to a lot of people face-to-face
• Never feeling like I've covered everything I want to say
• Not finding the right words

I'm still angry at myself because I can't deal with the things above and I'm paying the price. I should be better. 

Sigh.

No sooner than I had put my ass to a seat this morning, than my boss wanted to meet with me. A checkpoint meeting, apparently, but he seemed very insistent that it had to happen today. Not next week. Today.

I had no time and no inclination to meet with my boss. I've lost the motivation and my relationship with my boss has, as far as I am concerned, disappeared.

That's what happens when there's a perception, based on observation, of favouritism.

There was no mention of my refused job application. In fact, my boss started talking about next year's goals.

I wanted to call out the favouritism. I wanted him to ask why I applied for the job. I wanted to tell him my concerns about the performance scoring. And the salary gap.

But I didn't. And neither did he.

I feel I can't talk to my boss. I can't explain why - he's given me no reason to think he'd react badly (or worse than you'd expect anyone who you've just criticised). It's just a gut feeling.

And now I'm at home. And I'm angry at myself because I can't tell him the things that I've posted about here, because they are the reasons I want to move away, to a new team, a new department.

I was explaining this to KfW2. Well, everything apart from the anger at myself - that only came later.

"I've seen you have more difficult conversations," she said.

She's right. Why's this different?

"Is it because it's in a one-on-one?"

I dunno.

"Maybe. Could be part of it... I don't know."

And then she dropped me off home, the conversation only half-finished.

Still, I have a few days off work. Maybe it's bad timing seeing how the meeting ended (right at the end of the day) and I could maybe do with chasing this up... but I could really do with the time off right now as well.

Dreams.

There's a dream I've had on an infrequent basis, often after I've been drinking, that involves one of my infrequent nights out with D, FBS, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy. D is staying at Friction Guy's house so they trundle off their way and FBS and I share a taxi home as we live in roughly the same area.

As I get dropped off first, FBS launches herself at me, we kiss and she whispers that she should come in for a nightcap. Obviously there is no nightcap and, once inside, we make it to my bedroom where we have sex.

FBS leaves the next morning, after more sex.

In real life, FBS is married, happily I think. But when we're out, I keep thinking that touches last just that little bit longer than they should. Hugs seem more frequent than with other female friends of mine. One of the last times we were out, I went in for a hug at the end of the night and got a kiss on the lips instead. Like my confusion with CH, it all seems just a little off.

In fact the dream only seems to have become a thing since the night with the kiss. And while it seems to be all in my head, I admit that I was a little disappointed when D asked to stay at mine this weekend as we're due another night out. It's not like FBS would make advances... and I certainly wouldn't make the first move.

Oh la la!

Another grim Monday morning. I was running late - it was difficult getting myself out of bed today to face a few days of work. I took solace in some online dating/Tindering on the bus. Who should pop up after a few swipes, but Attractive Neighbour.

I don't think I'm really her type, but I kinda wish our paths had crossed more when we were neighbours - she seems cool. She said something similar when I chatted to her on PoF  a while back.

Mental wandering.

The talk of fires on a cold, miserable night prompted some reminiscing about FA2 which led on to a daydream I have from time to time - the archetypal dirty weekend away. That was prompted by seeing the headline for a story on the cover of The Times, so over coffee, I went to the website and found the link - Sexiest Hotel Rooms in Europe (you'll need a subscription to see that). That kinda took me onto something else - an "upgrade" on my Bucket List idea of the Dirty Weekend - a week in the sun at a private villa. I'm not sun worshipper per se, but a week chilling in the sun sounds pretty good right now

While I was surfing The Times website, as the cover image for a different story, I saw an image of a couple that reminded me of RB... or rather remind me of the second time I met RB/our official date.

After what appeared to be a successful date, we arrived back at hers. She was adamant I accompany her home in the taxi, but I wasn't coming in. However, arriving back at hers, she asked me in. We settled in front of the telly after a little kissing and she pulled my arm around her. (A week or so later when I was explaining all this to QC1, she said that she thought this was a very intimate thing to do.)

And the image in question which depicts how we were on the sofa almost exactly:

So, yeah, a pretty interesting mental journey over a coffee or two this morning.

It has left me more than a little frustrated though, given the people  and circumstances involved in my thoughts.

When in doubt, talk about the weather.

It's miserable in my neck of the woods. Raining, windy, cold... the kind of night where I wish I had a fire. My house is warm enough, but there's something about a fire that just... I dunno... make things seem comfier?

I like the way you move.

While 5 beers and an reasonably early bedtime should have seen me be OK for today, a 5 AM awakening pretty much made me feel hungover - it's always the tiredness more than anything that gets me.

Still, arriving into work today and Quiet Girl was talking to a guy who sits near me. Her hair was doing that sexy, wavy thing again - she must go to the gym before work or something and not properly dry her hair as she has days like this from time to time and the mildly dishevelled look really suits her in my opinion.

We spoke briefly and she walked away, whereupon I admired her and the way she moved.

There's also talk of a work night out, but Quiet Girl won't be joining us this time - her own team has grown to a size that they have their own night. Saying that, I probably wouldn't have gone anyway - the work situation has dampened my appetite for work socialising with some people.

So, a pleasant, if frustrating start to the day.

Urgh.

An impromptu night out last night saw me having drinks with a colleague and a guest from the States. While it wasn't a terribly drunken night - three bars and twice as many drinks - it was fun and productive. It was worth it for conversations with both guys - an opportunity may arise to rejoin some ex-teammates, providing we can talk current bosses into it. Plus it's always good to build upon existing good relationships by talking to people face to face. While I don't work directly with the American guest, our paths do cross (and if the above mentioned opportunity comes about, then I will interact more).

Still, I awoke at 5 AM and was unable to get back to sleep, so suffice to say that today is going to be a long day. I've already had 3 strong coffees and I fear that might not be enough.

Sigh.

Unsurprisingly, I've already been told that I am not allowed to go for the job I applied for. My boss took me aside for five minutes to chat. Business reasons i.e. we're too busy and I'm too important.

He was at least clued in enough to know that there are reasons for my applying in the first place and we touched on them briefly.

I told him that there were numerous reason I had applied for the job, including the extreme lack of recognition for anything I had done over the past few years.

I could have said more. I will say more - we're due to meet again next week - and I will be better prepared to tell him in more detail what's annoying me, including:

• The blatant favouritism shown to Stalky Guy and another colleague over the past few years
• Fed up of taking on jobs, ostensibly to help me score well, only for it to count for nothing
• The stress of trying to compete with SG and others, when it's ultimately pointless
• Spending years trying to engage with managers with no result

But to hear my boss talk, his claims of openness etc. just made me angry... and sad. Another year "wasted" while I watch colleagues get promotions, HUGE pay-rises and all for doing a fraction of what I do.

I mean, Stalky Guy was MASSIVELY unprofessional in a meeting today. Did my boss take him into a room and talk to him about it? No. Stalky Guy gets away with that. When I didn't pass on a message from KfW2 to my boss (a message that KfW2 had communicated to my boss directly via email), he takes me into a room and threatens me with low performance scores. You can't argue that SG isn't seeing some favouritism.

It actually hurts my head that I can't get through to people - I've made it perfectly clear who does what in an objective way - given them enough direction to go off and see for themselves. I don't like having to do it, but I feel I have no choice.

Oh dear (cont'd).

Following on from my last post, I was chatting with KfW2 and we were sharing respective tales of our weekends. I regaled her with the antics of IG, which led into a conversation that ended with KfW2 saying (and I paraphrase):

"You should just screw her and get it out of her system... and yours."

The thing with KfW2 is that, while she's not prudish, her attitude towards (casual) sex seems to shift. Her comment was funny, and the suggestion wasn't outlandish in itself, but she seems... inconsistent.

A few years ago I suggested to KfW2 that I saw Sports Girl as a FWB - she was not dating material because she's nuts, but she is attractive and sexy. But a few months later, KfW2 was talking like I was chasing her as a girlfriend.

When she talked me into trying online dating, she was asking what I was looking for. The answer was, eventually, a long-term relationship, but dating etc. along the way was expected. I think that was the first time we'd talked about casual sex.

So it'll be interesting to see what KfW2's take on it is in a few weeks. Actually, it'll be interesting to see what her take on it is tomorrow.

Oh dear.

We had our regular work night out on Friday. I wasn't in the office, but I turned up anyway to meet Stalky Guy and a few others. But I wasn't really feeling it. I had my free drinks and left with a colleague to go to another (better) bar.

It was not long after we settled, pints in hand, that IG started messaging. Did she see me at the work event? Was I still there?

I answered the questions and left it at that. She kept messaging though. There was an element to it, more than a conversation. It was reminiscent of the time she suggested (I think) of staying over at mine when she was out, and drunk.

I played dumb, but she pretty much admitted that she was flirting. I continued to ignore it and then the messages got nasty. I was going to die alone, effectively.

I left her to it (I was back home by this time) and the next morning got a "I'm awful when I'm drunk"

Well, yes IG, you are. But it's more than that. You're nasty. I let her stew on the message before I told her that she would not be repeating it. She apologised at that stage and I repeated that the comments were out of order, but she'd apologised, so I'd moved on. She sent a final message saying that she'd been up all night worrying about it.

I wouldn't say that IG and I are close friends. I barely classify us as friends, though I do have "issues" with classifying people. Another post another time, perhaps.

Still, that's the second time that she's been nasty when I have spurned her advances. A third time will not be tolerated.

Face off.

I applied for the job last week, but even before I submitted the application, I knew I didn't really want it. I can still withdraw my application, but regardless, I don't think my boss will let me leave the team right now. There's too much on and we're already under-staffed.

But, at least applying for the job will show my current manager how unhappy I am. He doesn't see it, but I have a lot more visibility into the people, around me than he does. I know what they do daily, I know how much they earn and in nearly all instances they're better off than I am - fewer responsibilities, higher grades, higher salary.

At least, that's what I hope (that he'll see how unhappy I am) - that's also KfW2's theory. It's, quite frankly, downright insulting the way promotions and pay-rises have been given out over the past few years.

And I'm not entirely sure that my manager will take it well. In fact, I expect him to take it badly, and if I read him right, he'll complain about his problems and ignore the fact that this is not a knee-jerk reaction, but the culmination of four years of frustration on my part.

They could talk me into staying, but that would require an immediate promotion and a pay rise. I know my peers earn 30% more than I do, but I'm realistic. I'd settle for 10%, but even that's impossible.

They will cite company policy for not being able to do something (even though they are/were going to employ someone who would be a higher grade than me and earn more).

I'm nervous about having the conversation with my boss, but I'm more likely to come out of the meeting angry than satisfied.

Sigh.

Oh dear.

So, the conversation with E's little sister is ongoing and with GM in mind, I try to start talking about meeting socially. Maybe she might want to meet some evening for a beer or a coffee, maybe? If We can sort that out, maybe then I can get her out at the weekend to meet GM...

But, no. She doesn't drink alcohol any more, nor does she take caffeine.

That's gonna make it kinda difficult to get her and GM in the same room.