You've got a friend.

Sometimes I think KfW2 has problems opening up to me - probably not as bad as I have with her (or anyone else), but more than I had thought. I've always considered myself a good listener, and I'm close enough to her that I can see when things aren't good for her, no matter how minor. We were talking on Monday, in general, and I suggested that she was not in good form. She agreed and said that she was feeling run down. I waited for her to expand, but after a few seconds she started giggling.

I looked at her.

"What? Did I miss something? I've missed something, haven't I?"

She shook her head.

"You're funny".

I prompted her for more information, but she never expanded. We finished our lunch and went back to our desks.

My instant messenger program popped up.

"You've done it again, you dweeb".

She was referring to a moment we'd had a few months ago where I'd missed signals that she had something to say. It led to another kind of heart to heart conversation where I reiterated that I'd not done it on purpose and that I wanted her to talk to me.

The first time I'm prepared to accept that I was in the "wrong", but not this time. I know why she's feeling run down. However, arguing with her about it wasn't going to help and at least she said something this time. I tried getting her to expand, but beyond repeating the "run down" quote, she kinda clammed up.

I broached the subject again today... she's been getting worse all this week. This time, she did open up and pretty much confirmed what I had suspected - that this is all stemming from her medical thing from a few months ago and the fact that things still aren't back to normal. It's getting her down and causing some stress and, in her opinion, seems neverending. Given the other things that have happened to us this year, I can fully understand why she's at the end of her tether. I offered to talk to her in more detail if we could find somewhere private, but she refused.

"I don't want to be sitting across the table from you, crying into my coffee", she said. So, we continued the conversation over instant messenger. I don't think saved her. As the conversation went on, I heard sniffles, but I never asked.

I took her out at lunchtime. I told her that if she wanted to talk, I'd be there, but if not, a relaxed lunch and some fresh air might help at least a little bit.

She didn't talk. I think she's told me all she wants to say, which is enough. To go any further would be to go into detail about the medical stuff, which is something I am extremely uncomfortable with. That's not to say I wouldn't listen, but KfW2 knows me very well.

I don't know how much our chat helped her today, I don't know how much any communication helps when you're feeling like this, but I hope it did.

The confidence, man.

A while ago, it was suggested to me (or maybe I thought of all it all by myself) that I was too timid with women. Now, that's nothing to do with actually talking to them or chatting them up (though I daresay some of my female friends would argue that point as well), but is actually aimed more at the women I know are attracted to me. In fact, it goes beyond that as well, I think... it's more regarding the women where the ice has been broken i.e. I've already kissed them (or more), so the attraction is out of the bag and reciprocated to an extent.

I guess the memory was sparked a few days ago off the back of a light hearted chat/comments with USHW about CH.

So, I know a girl is interested in me and I have an opportunity to kiss her or get her into bed. This is where I get timid. Quite often I can see the opportunity that is there, but I refuse to take it. Part of it is, in my opinion, a confidence issue. What I have done in the past is second guess myself... and then try to prove to myself that the girl definitely does want to have sex with me by getting her to call the shots. Sometimes that works, a lot of times it doesn't.

For example, FA2 and I ended up back at her house several weeks in a row after being out with friends, often indulging in a lot of fumbling and kissing before I would get a taxi home in the early hours of the morning. She later confessed that she waited "a good few weeks" for me to take it to the next level. I second-guessed myself here because FA2 was BW's friend and I knew that BW was close to FA2, so I wanted to be sure that this was exactly what FA2 wanted. I don't remember specifically saying anything about sex, but made more of a throwaway, supposed-to-be funny comment. FA2 grabbed my hand, trailed me upstairs to her bedroom and then fucked my brains out. Part of the FA2 confession was that she definitely wanted to have sex with me much earlier than we did, but didn't want to make the first move.

CAB was slightly different. I've already posted here many times about how much I wanted to have sex with her, but neither of us were in a place where getting the privacy was easy. There was one time, though, when we ended up at her friend's house after a night out in the pub. Several of us went back to CAB's friend's place. We found a quiet corner and indulged in some fumbling and kissing and oral before the others realised we were missing and invited us back into the group. A few hours later, the host decided it was time for us to go home. It was only after the taxi had arrived and I was climbing in, that the host, and CAB, told me that CAB was staying over and that I was welcome to stay as well. It was obvious what it meant - CAB was not shy and there had been quite a bit of fumbling and/or oral on previous nights, but part of me wanted CAB to say it outright. I took the taxi home.

My next example is RB. The first night, after I'd already kissed her in the bar and for about half an hour outside, RB invited me back to hers under the caveat that "nothing is going to happen", yet we spent a good couple of hours writhing around on her sofa, kissing and letting our hands wander. RB was extremely keen, but based on her "nothing is going to happen" comment, I made a very conscious decision not to push my luck, so while hands wandered, bras were unfastened and hands made it into underwear, I never made a move that she didn't first. And no comments about RB undoing my bra, thankyouverymuch. The same thing happened the second night - she wanted me back at hers, then made her caveat. However, when I went to leave at 2AM (she fell asleep in my arms watch TV), she then asked me "Do you not want this?", made it clear she was implying sex and proceeded to kick off more of the same before calling everything to an abrupt stop (but I've spoken about that before in other posts).

FBS was very similar to FA2 - lots of mucking about on numerous nights until one night I happened to mention that I was horny as hell... and not that long after, we were naked in bed, having a really good time. After that, she wasn't shy about getting things physical, it was just that first time.

Those are only four examples... It's a "mistake" that I've made, probably about a dozen times or so to my detriment. As I said, it's mostly a confidence thing - certainly with FBS, CAB and FA2 it was and the scenarios I can think of resemble those tales rather than the RB one. With RB it was, I dunno... I still think that had I pushed things a little, she would have succumbed, that she was waiting for me to be more forward, but part of me thinks that the self-preservation attitude probably saved me.

And don't get me started on simply not seeing the signals. I could talk for days on that one. And I could tell you a similar story about "testing" a girl if I think she's interested, specifically in relation to CAB and RB, amongst others.

Gah!

After my mini-rant in this post, GB further annoyed me by turning up to our grand day out several hours after everyone else. We knew she was going to do this, but it made her first complaint about which day we had originally chosen pretty much null and void.

To add insult to all of this, she only stayed out for a couple of hours and was the first to leave with MF.

No doubt there will be a row when it comes to deciding what to do over Christmas and New Year, though I already have my preferences and have told KfW2.

There were a few things said by KfW2 that I need to follow up with, when I next get the chance to speak to her privately.

And so it begins...

Party season is almost upon us and my social life is starting to ramp up again, having been a little quiet over the past few months. That's not a complaint - just a statement. Having some quiet weekends recharges the batteries and I had been hitting it quite hard towards the end of the summer.

But here's what's tentatively planned over the next two weeks, just as an example:

Drinks with FP
A lunch date with KfW2
Drinks with KfW2, GM, GB, CH and probably many more
A friend's leaving do
Possibly a wedding (unlikely though)
Our work's monthly event

And that's only until the start of December when there'll be other nights out including a potential repeat of this night as CH is due to be in my home town again, a night out with FBS and that crowd of friends plus at least three other nights I can think of.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I need some new clothes. A few day-to-day items, jumpers and the like, but I also need some more formal attire - suits etc. I had a nice suit when I was dating FA2 - a three piece, black affair. I don't often dress up, but with FA2's help, I found a suit that I liked. She said I looked amazing in it though I initially thought that was just girlfriend talk, but when I was at weddings etc. I was getting a lot of admiring glances and compliments from women.

With that in mind, I've asked KfW2 to tag along when I go out suit shopping in a few days' time. I always like a second opinion when I am spending big money on clothes, partly because I don't know a lot about suits etc. but also partly because a suit is stepping out of my comfort zone, so I always think I look awkward and uncomfortable in them.

With any luck, we'll get finished early and I can get her into a pub for a drink and a bit of a chat around general dating issues etc. It's a conversation I've been wanting to have for a while though, but getting private (i.e. away from people who know us) time with her is difficult.

*fume*

Over the past few years, KfW2 and I have started our own little tradition of having a day out around Christmas. The first year, it was myself, KfW2, Mr KfW2 and CC. That first year was a really, really fun day and night out. This year, due to KfW2's husband's availability, it's slightly earlier than usual. We opened up invitations to some of our drinking friends - GB, S, GM etc. Maybe I didn't make myself clear when I sent the email, but it was very much a case of "we're going out, so if you are free, please feel free to come along", but people actually complained that the potential dates didn't suit them. That made me angry a bit.

Regardless, we have the day tied down and I'm looking forward to it. Numbers seem to be limited. S has already said he can't go and CH is unlikely to attend (though she promised to after her non-appearance at the last night out). GB and MF will be there, CC will not. Even a smaller crowd, with GB, might turn out to be to my advantage. We're more than likely to have a centralised conversation with less of us there, and that could be dating-centric if I prime KfW2 this week (a conversation I've been meaning to have anyway) and that could lead on to my disappointment over the perceived lack of effort from GB over the CB thing.

I said a while ago either in a post here or directly to USHW that I was going to draw a line under the CB thing, and to a certain extent, I have. But the odd time where she does pop into my head, I still feel annoyed at GB/disappointed at a missed opportunity/inquisitive about why KfW2/CH never asked any Qs about her and angry at myself for not actually trying to talk to her that night in the pub.

I don't do regrets, but I don't ever recall being this angry at myself when something didn't turn out the way I wanted.

*sigh*

E posted something on Facebook not that long ago to mark a significant anniversary. I'm chuffed to bits for her, of course, but it also made me realise that I still miss her terribly.

Early planning.

Over the past few years, GB and GM have been at the heart of our New Year's Eve celebrations. The first time, they promised a party that they didn't even start to organise (and I had waived my own intentions of having a party in a new place that I'd recently moved in to) and last year, they made all the arrangements, but no-one turned up. I think, partly, because they never told anyone until too late and NYE is something that people organise early.

Unlike a lot of people, I really like New Year's Eve, and socialising with friends is important to me. This year especially, I really want a good New Year's Eve. It's been a bad year. The past two years have been redeemed by visiting a certain pub where everyone had a good time and I'd like to just cut out the pretence of a party and make arrangements to meet our friends there.

I explained this to KfW2 earlier, but she mentioned something about having to get home to her place, which might be difficult on a night that's busy for taxis. I'll bring this up again next week so that I can get her on-side - she's more than welcome to come back to mine until the taxi situation has eased.

However, KfW2 is the least of my worries - GB is lazy. The reason that we've ended up in that particular pub over the past few years is because it was five minutes walk from GB's house. She no longer lives there, so naming that pub as a place to be will definitely be met with resistance. That's something else I am going to have to manage.

Oh, hello.

Watching Capt. America; The First Avenger over the weekend, and I was quite taken by Hayley Atwell. She reminds me of a few people, including SSCW and maybe a little of MMBF, and that's never a bad thing.

A blast from the past.

I had a dream last night that featured CAB quite heavily. While it wasn't an erotic dream, the last bit of it that I do remember was agreeing to go on a date with her (again). However, there were portions of the dream that just involved chatting to her, S popped up in some capacity, as did KfW2.

Beyond USHW mentioning her last week in a talk about taste in women, and obviously the dream last night,  it seems like it's been a few years at least since I last thought about CAB. In reality, USHW says it's only been a few months, and she's right. I've not actually seen her in person since we split up and only swapped the odd email a dozen or so years ago.

The Eye of the Beholder.

Over the past few days, USHW and I have been involved in a somewhat lengthy discussion about looks and physical attraction - specifically about my tastes and identifying a girlfriend from a fuck buddy, for example, based on past posts here. Why, for example, am I far more attracted to CB than MMBF when arguably MMBF ticks more of my boxes (physically)?

It's a prologue to having a conversation with CH and KfW2 regarding any potential match-making they're likely to do, but it was a thought-provoking and interesting conversation.

I know that KfW2 definitely has someone in mind, but CH has also hinted at it (or rather I've inferred that she does based on recent comments).

Both women, if they've been paying attention should have a good idea of my ideal woman. I don't think that I've been backwards in telling people exactly who I want a date with (no, not CB... ) but I don't know if they are taking it seriously, unlike E who managed to pinpoint my type right down one Saturday afternoon in the pub.

While we ultimately came to the same conclusion, I don't think either of us expressed ourselves particularly well... and USHW mentioned some things regarding my female friends that I still can't see (nothing bad - just categorisation based on similar looks).

What I thought was much harder to define were the non-physical attributes. Physically, KfW2 might be as close to my perfect woman as you're likely to find, but it's the personality etc. and other intangible characteristics that have as much, if not more, importance.

I reckon I'd know pretty quickly if I met this person, but asking me to list any criteria has had me scratching my head.

Shouldn't throw stones.

I was meant to be going out with MfW for his birthday a few nights ago, but it never happened. That was for two main reasons... the first was that he wanted to go to a club. I don't particularly like clubs and especially those that play RnB/dance music. The second was that he went AWOL for hours before finally turning up at the apartment at half ten with a few mates in tow.

By this time, I was already settled for the evening, watching a couple of movies and getting comfortable after a week of trying (and mainly succeeding) fighting off the cold. It had taken its toll though, and I was really not in any mood to go anywhere.

So, that wasn't bad. I had a great night's sleep that night and chilled out the next day.

I thought that MfW might have gone home to see the family, but that was not the case. Imagine my surprise when I went to make dinner last night to see UF in the apartment. Apparently he and MfW had made plans. Since I've introduced the two of them, they seem to have hit it off, which is no bad thing, but I appear to be excluded from a lot of these trips to the pub that became more and more frequent as time went on.

I don't know if this is MfW's doing or UF's. Seeing as MfW got an invite to UF's wedding and I didn't, I am inclined to think it's UF, but it could be either of them really.

MfW was complaining last night about NSU's lack of housekeeping and this is typical of the man. He's very interested in what other people DON'T do, but rarely sees what other people actually do. All the complaints he makes/made about UF and NSU's effort around the house (cleaning, tidying up, buying little things for the apartment) can all be levelled against him. I don't think he sees that, though.

Urgh.

I got about an hour's sleep last night due to being racked with acid reflux. I suffer a bit from mild doses of it and have done all my adult life, but last night's was excruciating and unstoppable, even with most of a full packet of antacids in me. I felt myself get sick yesterday and I went to sleep last night, only to be woken just after 11PM by NSU coming back into the apartment, shouting at someone down the phone while in the kitchen and then hammering something. It sounded as if she was hitting something with a rolling pin... at 11PM... in an apartment where every sound can be heard.

As a result, I didn't go into work today - not sick, just a last-minute annual leave day - with the intention of catching up on the sleep I lost and chilling out. That went well until NSU arrived back in the apartment as I was dozing, made a huge racket and then a few minutes later, inexplicably started shouting my name.

When I answered my door, she tried to make jokes "there's no need to be so serious" she laughed as she saw my face.

"What do you want?" I asked, clearly pissed off.

She went very quiet. "Were you asleep?"

"Yes, I've had the day off as I didn't sleep well last night. I've been dozing on and off all day."

She looked as if she was going to apologise, but I simply closed my door and tried to get back to sleep. No chance.

Socially speaking.

Unsurprisingly, the lunch "date" a few weeks ago with AM and QC1 happened as I predicted - it was all driven by QC1 in terms of times, dates and restaurants, so while I had a 15 minute walk, QC1 had a 30 second walk.

Usually, it's all questions about my love life etc. and I am more than happy to answer them, but this time it was different. AM's husband, also a friend of mine, was out. That was the first that I had seen him in probably a few years.

But it just seemed that it was a lot of small talk, a bit of catching up, some nice food and that was it. I like QC1 and AM's company, even with pandering to QC1, but this was a lot more unfulfilling than usual.

An upturn - some further thoughts.

I suppose I should add a little more to my previous post. The insecure part of me is really chuffed to bits by KfW2's claim that she has someone for me. I've always wanted my friends to introduce me to new people and, as I have touched upon before, I am surprised that it hasn't happened more (if it has happened at all). I know that I've met other people through friends (see this post), but I don't know that any setups have gone on. The only time I've actually asked for anything to be engineered, during my dating life, is CB through GB/MFF.

At the same time, I know that it has become increasingly rare over the past few years that I am really attracted to someone. Any regular readers will know that the only two of any real note have been RB and CB and CB barely counts as she's someone I've seen a few times in the pub but not spoken to. Date No. 1 had potential, but seeing as that only lasted 1 night, it didn't get a chance to go anywhere. Some might argue that my feelings towards KfW2 and CH aren't entirely platonic (certainly with CH it's very lustful), but can you count them?

Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I'm looking for that initial hit of attraction/chemistry/lust and concentrate more on that than, say, a slow burner where attraction is built up over repeated meetings and contact.

Most of the people I've ended up dating have been the more immediate attraction type... I'm trying hard to think of any slow burners who have had a big impact. FA2, I think, is the only one that amounted to anything as we met through BW and he used to bring FA2 out regularly. There was a friend of AM and QC1's that I suddenly found myself attracted to, but she ended up dating a guy before I did anything about it.

Regardless, with me being picky when it comes to women, I like to downplay things, which is why I've got this idea that if I meet people in a group setting rather than a one-on-one date setting that things would tend to work out better.

An upturn.

I was having coffee recently with KfW2 when she told me that she had someone with whom  she wanted to set me up. I quickly moved to tell her that I didn't do blind dates (she kinda knew that already) and the best way to get me on board with this kind of thing is to simply never tell me. By all means bring friends out socially and if they're single and we hit it off, then great, otherwise, no-one ever knows.

It's the kinda thing I was hoping would happen had there been a positive outcome with CB through MFF, though obviously I would be completely clued-in as to why CB was out socially.

Then, after apologising for blowing me off at the very last minute a few nights ago, CH hinted that the next time we were all out, she would bring a friend. Per advice from USHW, I shall have to have the same conversation with CH as I had with KfW2 above. It's a massive assumption that this friend of CH's is being brought along for my benefit, but I was planning on having a dating conversation with CH in the near future anyway and recent developments have probably brought that forward a little, by a week or so.

While KfW2 seemed agreeable to my point of view, I had this same conversation with QC1 a few years ago when she had this girl she wanted me to meet. She seemed awfully insistent that it had to be a blind date though rather than a more casual meeting.