Bittersweet memories.

Facebook has shown me a picture of a pint of beer from three years ago today. I recall the day well: I met with FP and BR, we went to a restaurant, chatted then ended up in a pub that's close by.

It's memorable for all the wrong reasons. FP shared news about his illness with BR. BR shared news with FP about his addiction problems. And while the news sharing wasn't fun or great, it was great catching up with the guys, and the conversation quickly turned more positive and happy, even though strictly speaking, we shouldn't have been in the pub, but BR insisted it was OK and we did want to continue our conversation.

And a final, less positive note on this memory, it was the last day I saw FP in person. A very bittersweet memory. 

I'll have a beer later, I think. 

Cough.

I think I might be paying for being social at the weekend. I woke this morning with a minor headache, a blocked nose, a tickly throat and a bit of a cough.

I'm hoping that I'll shake it off soon. I've always been relatively resistant to cold and flu-like illnesses which never really develop beyond these kinds of minor symptoms. Even the few times I think I've had Covid, it was little more than a lack of energy and, during the first time, a lack of smell and taste for a week.

I'm also meant to be at an event this evening with BR and his wife, so it'd be nice if I didn't get more unwell in the next six hours.

Provocation?

I was reading Reddit earlier and a post in a Men's sub asked the question about turning down an attractive friend.

I instantly thought of the evening that E3 kissed me, at the end of M's birthday party. What I didn't put together until today were the parallels between that evening and the first night I kissed FA2.

On the evening I first kissed FA2, I was out with another group of people that included FA1. FA1 and I had a bit of chemistry, but I could never tell if that was translated into actual romantic interest. BW was meant to be out, but there was no sign of him when we all met in the early evening. Eventually BW turned up, with FA2, nearly three hours after the rest of us had met. By that time, I'd been chatting to FA1 for a while. I'd ruled out any interest on her part due to the fact she'd recently started dating a new guy. But as I said, we'd always had chemistry, so the conversation flowed easily, and that was how BW and FA2 found me, deep in conversation to the point of being oblivious to anyone else around us.

At M's birthday party, while there was a group of old school friends in attendance: G,BR,E3 and others, I was being more of a social butterfly. I was chatting to some of MM's friends, including MMBF who was looking mighty fine in one of her figure hugging dresses. There was a bit of low-key flirting going on. Both M and MM knew that I had a bit of interest in her, but I think we all agreed that we probably weren't suited from a personality perspective. On more than one occasion, MM's friends had me on the dance floor.

There are strong similarities in both nights - me being fully engaged with other, attractive, women. So, it struck me earlier. Was it my behaviour with MMBF and FA1 that prompted E3 and FA2 to make their moves? Another similarity was that I didn't see a lot of E3 or FA2 at that point (that changed with FA2 after this night though).

Quick update

Just a couple of things: firstly, it's USHW's birthday today. I've already texted her, but HB anyway. Lovely weather, isn't it? *wink*

Secondly, BR has been in touch. BR and his wife are going to be in town in a month's time, so we may get the chance to get some food and catch up. That should be fun. It's been ages since I saw BR and his missus.

Zzz

My sleep this week has been awful. Is it a change in the weather? That sometimes plays havoc with my sleep patterns. Is it being back at work after 2 weeks off? That doesn't help either. Nor does having to get up at 7 AM for a rare day in the office, like yesterday.

Anyway, there were several dreams last night in between bouts of being awake. K feature in a dream, as did BW, though I have no recollection of the actual dream content, just that they featured. BR might have featured too.

So, with three nights of poor sleep behind me, I am really struggling this afternoon. Roll on the weekend. 

Remember?

When KfW2 and I were out for an adult afternoon just over 18 months ago, I surprised her by recognising a woman that we (me and my friends including G and BR) hung around with. She was a uni pal of G's. We briefly chatted, she introduced me to her partner (a stunning blonde woman) and her kids and she went on her way.

I explained who she was and how I knew her. KfW2 was incredulous.

"You recognised her after all this time?"

"Yeah."

"How?"

"I dunno. I just have a good memory."

And I do. Or I did. As I've posted on this blog, there are things I've simply forgotten about or am misremembering some details. But on the whole, it's still not bad. And, you know, this blog helps, too, to keep things fresh or remind me of things.

So, in a similar vein, I walked past a guy at lunchtime. He was familiar. He looked like he knew me, and it only took a few seconds for me to place him. He was one of the senior guys at the temp job where I met E. That's 25 years ago. I wanted to chat to him, but could I remember his name? Nope.

I got back to the office and texted E. It was 1 AM where she lives, so she was most likely asleep. I asked her did she know the names of the guys in the office. She'll definitely know the name of one guy - she slept with him a few times. But it's the other guy I'm interested in.

She's not yet replied, but I don't think she needs to any more. His name's just popped into my head.

Let's go back.

Semi-randomly, BR sent through a couple of photos from school. Not casual photos, but staged, official photos. I went through old school photos a while ago, sharing some with USHW and pointing out old crushes of mine. I went to a mixed school and coupled, with teenaged Ruuude's hormones running amok, there were quite a few, including a few people mentioned on the blog before, like SJ.

So, yeah, it was a pleasant memory for a Monday morning.

Talk it out.

Both M and BR have given up alcohol, so when we get together these days, it's a much quieter affair. However, that doesn't stop the laughter from flowing and even though we were only out for a few hours at a local (and delicious) pizzeria, it was great to see the guys.

I know I have my frustrations with M's selfishness at times, but when you get him out, he's great company.

And the recharging I get from chatting to these guys is so much more than I get from, for example, the people from work.

Argh.

People have always been surprised when I admit that I don't really like Indian food. That causes havoc when I go to my English friends to visit or stag weekends or whatever because of the culture of going out for beers and a curry. No-one ever asks about dietary requirements, they just assume. Now, I know that not liking something is not a dietary requirement, but it is one of the few things I simply refuse to eat.

So, I was slightly angry that M sent a message earlier off the back of BR's message from yesterday. He'd booked a restaurant. there was no conversation about times or dietary preferences. He just booked it. And it was an Indian. I considered just inventing a last-minute reason for not attending, but I really want to see BR.

I sent M a message, explaining the problem, and he eventually replied.

"No problem, I'll book something else."

OK. But he's still not engaging in conversation about what we might like. He's just doing it himself. I fucking hate that.

Hello again.

BR's just messaged to see if I am free at the weekend, specifically Sunday. I am. However, this won't mean a trip to the pub because BR no longer drinks. We will, though, go get some food somewhere. I've no idea where, mind you, but luckily BR hasn't asked me to suggest anything or book anything.

If we're lucky, M might join us, too.

WTF?

A rather eclectic dream last night that featured, amongst others, BR, USHW, my brother-in-law and people from work.

It started off at a sporting event. Maybe football? It was Ireland versus England. We then transitioned to a party, hosted at BR's house. USHW was my guest, and she was staying at my house. Then lots of work colleagues turned up, for some reason, and at some point, USHW and I had a falling out, causing her to leave the party.

Then my brother-in-law turned up to give me a lift home, and that was the end of it, I think. That's when I woke up.

Ho hum.

BR's mother passed away at the start of last week and it was her funeral today. It was good to see that BR was in decent form, despite the unfortunate circumstances. I was a little worried about him. He's been a bit fragile, mentally, recently.

It was good seeing old school friends, including G and AM and a few others.

AM, once again, promised to arrange a night out. I'm still waiting for her to do it after FP's funeral. Ho hum. MM asked me, again, to get M out for a drink.

All I can do is ask, I said. If he's no interest, I can do nothing.

But I'll give him a shout after the weekend and see if he's interested in meeting next week or next weekend.

Promises

I'm going to be honest, before KfW2 phoned me earlier, I was composing a blog post in my head that was quite negative and I was definitely feeling a bit sorry for myself.

It went back to something that KfW2 had said to me last year at FP's funeral about how people were concerned about me, and they loved me.

While I'm not even going to suggest that she's wrong (she's not), I perhaps expected people to be in contact a little more frequently than usual after FP's funeral. That wasn't the case. Even KfW2 herself wasn't really in contact any more than usual.

Then when G came home a month or so later, he assured me that M had promised to reach out, to arrange a drink or a coffee.

And it's that point that I think provoked the desire to make a post. BR was in touch earlier this week to tell me his mother had passed away. I'd swapped a few messages with G, but M also sent a message, sharing the funeral details.

But if you add my difficulty in getting The Crowd out, pinning KfW2 down for doing something, M's promise plus the lack of any real contact post-funeral, and it really has gotten me down.

I had work stuff going on in the second half of last year, plus this more recent family stuff too, and it just all added up to needing an outlet. An outlet I couldn't get because it was impossible to get to talk to people. I'm not gonna lie, it was a really tough, mentally taxing six months at the end of last year.

So while things are looking up - I'm definitely seeing G and The Crowd soon, I also have tentatively gotten agreement from M and KfW2 to meet for coffee/drinks/dinner, but it'll be me that has to put in the effort.

Reading back on this, it does still feel quite negative/sad, but I don't think it's as bad as it could have been as I was feeling VERY sorry for myself earlier. It does raise the point I always make about actions speaking louder than words.

And here we go...

It seems that life is going to continue to throw stuff at me this year. BR was in touch this morning to share the news that his mother had passed away. BR is going through his own stuff at the moment, so this is going to be tougher than normal for him. However, it means he's going to be in town soon. We might be able to catch up, if he's in the mood. I should probably attend the funeral.

G was also in contact. he is coming home, though at the start of next month, rather than the end of this month. So that, at least, is something positive to look forward to.

In a rather surprising move, GM also sent a message this morning. Would anyone be free in the middle of next month for a night out? I had semi-jokingly suggested last week that he take the initiative in arranging something seeing as he was so apologetic about being useless at maintaining contact these days. Everyone has tentatively agreed to meet, so that's also something to look forward to.

...

A few months ago, after a short stay in the hospital, FP passed away. He'd been ill for around a year if I understand things correctly. It was a serious illness that was going to have a significant impact on his life expectancy, even without any complications. He had shared the news with me at the start of the year, but he'd played down the risks. I don't want to explain in any more detail than that. It was rare. Rare enough that he could potentially be identified if I said any more.

Anyway, he was admitted to the hospital for something unrelated. While they were able to treat and fix the issues, complications arose, and he never recovered. He was effectively in a medically induced coma for nearly a month but showed no signs of actual recovery.

His passing isn't the first that I've had to deal with during the lifetime of this blog, but it's up there with the most impactful. He was one of my closest friends (with KfW2 being the other), one of the very few people that I could trust, and who would be a sounding board for me. Before he was ill, we'd be in contact several times a week and see each other in person at least once a month.

Years ago, when I introduced FP to KfW2, she was astounded that we could almost predict what the other was going to say to the very word. He was more than a friend; FP was family.

KfW2 has been a star, you'll probably be unsurprised to hear. She has a big heart, and it's one of the reasons I consider her to be one of my closest and best friends and love her dearly. She keeps asking me if I'm OK. I am... mainly... but it's not been smooth sailing.

The funeral was tough. However, KfW2, AM, QC1, G, M and BR were all, in attendance, so it was comforting having those people around me. It was also comforting seeing how many lives he's touched, how many people attended the funeral and the number of stories told over drinks afterwards.

Both AM and QC1, separately, promised that they'd be in touch about meeting for dinner or drinks. I'd love it if they did follow up on that. I can't say that I'm optimistic though.

Even now, I find myself reaching for my phone to give him a call or send him a text message about football or just something silly. Nearly every day brings a Facebook memory where FP is an actual participant in shenanigans or has left a comment.

Old school friends have been in touch, which in turn makes me miss him more because some of the people who've been in touch would have been worth reporting to FP simply because of who they are or the news they've shared.

I also feel a little guilty. I should have been in touch with his widow, but with the work stuff that's gone on over the same period, I've not really had the energy to contemplate it. We also don't really have a relationship. FP's wife always kept herself away, despite being invited out to the pub or for coffee and other social events, but I think that's a story for another time.

Itchy feet.

KfW2 is in London this weekend with her eldest, as a birthday treat. While it's "only" London (rather than, say, somewhere hot and sunny) it's given me the travel itch again. the list hasn't changed since my last post on it, though a few recent Facebook posts from BR is making me contemplate the northwest of America and Canada: Seattle and Vancouver.

Urgh.

I'm glad to see the back of July, to be honest. I had hoped that it would be exciting and busy from a personal perspective.

While it was great to get the night out with G, and there was the afternoon meeting with FP and BR, there could have been so much more. A night out with The Crowd, for example.

But while those were undoubted highlights, from a work perspective, it was awful. I was hugely stressed for pretty much the entire month. Our most experienced and knowledgeable guy was out of the office for the summer holidays and I was the next in line. But I'm still learning, I only know a fraction of the stuff I need to and I had three or four people contact me to take on some urgent work. And all that juggling makes me stressed.

There's no doubt that I'm almost definitely being far too negative and reading too much into things. My manager sent me a message on Friday saying that I'd done a good job in the other guy's absence, which allays some fears, but when the same thing happens again (and it will), I'll be back to being stressed out.

Just talkin'

The night out with G was as good as always. We chatted for hours with no lull, which is par for the course. We covered loads of topics, including my meeting last week with FP and BR. One of the highlights was G asking me if I would do anything different in my life?

I lied a little and said that I was happy where I was currently. It's mostly true. I own my own house, I'm mostly healthy and I have a job that I like. My mental health is not great and I'm single, which is currently bothering me a little.

I pointed out one aspect that probably would have changed my entire life from age 18 onwards. I would have missed out on my friendships with Friction Guy, FBS and QC2 for starters. E, too. It might have had an effect on meeting CAB, FA2 and my time living abroad. It almost definitely would have meant not meeting KfW2 and The Crowd. I wouldn't have started the online hobby which meant I crossed paths with USHW, A, K and F.

Would I have been happier? Who knows? My friendships with E and KfW2 are extremely important to me, and I would struggle to give those up (even though, strictly speaking, I'd not ever know about them).

We both agreed that we are the people we are because of the journey that we have taken.

G also pointed out that I was looking around the bar more than I usually did. I'm not sure it was true. The bar didn't even appear to be that busy, presumably due to the weather, because bars in my hometown are usually rammed on a Friday evening. I can only recall one woman taking my eye, a cute blonde woman, so I guess that G just managed to catch me looking at her.

We left the bar four hours later, more than a little tipsy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the evening.

Random

I meant to post yesterday that I woke from a dream, that I can't really remember. But I spent the entire day absolutely convinced that I'd run into Chloe when I was out and about with BR and FP.

That never happened, but it took until about 5 PM, when we were sitting in a pub, for the feeling to go away.

Just stuff.

I met up with BR and FP and we had a great few hours catching up, swapping news and just shooting the breeze. I'm back home now with a few beers, but I see KfW2 has posted a photo on Facebook. And I have to say, she looks stunning. I miss her, especially this weekend. I miss her, I miss our nights out and I really wish we could do one soon.