Looking back.

I dreamt of SJ last night. I know the name might not immediately ring a bell even though she's featured on the blog before, but she was someone that I went to school with. A friend on whom I developed feelings for when I was around 17 or 18. I'd say it was my first, adult crush. I'd dated previously, had a girlfriend even, but SJ was something else.

We were close, but I never saw anything in her behaviour to indicate that making any kind of move would result in anything other than failure.

On top of that, I was still finding out who I was. I was unsure of myself, certainly immature while she appeared to have her head screwed on, know what she wanted from life.

So, yeah, the dream... we met again despite not having seen each other in 20-odd years and immediately settled into our old rhythm. Later, at a party, I tried to confess two things to her: my original crush from years ago and that I'd like to take her on a date. But I talked around the subjects without ever getting to the point, though I'm sure she knew what I was getting at and just wanted me to say it outright. The memory fades before any resolution to the dream happened.

It's been ages since I thought of SJ. She's one of the few people from school that I'd love to have a drink/coffee with now that I'm not already in contact with.

Mucho randomness.

Way back when I was still at school, FP and I would often spend our Saturday afternoons camped at SJ's workplace - a tiny home bakery on the nearby high street. That would have been roughly around the time I mad a massive crush on her. We'd easily spend a couple of hours hanging around and chatting in between customers.

For some reason, that popped into my head this morning. Very random.

And as I am likely to have said before, SJ is one of the few people from school that I'd like to see again that I haven't seen in a long time.

Let's go back.

Semi-randomly, BR sent through a couple of photos from school. Not casual photos, but staged, official photos. I went through old school photos a while ago, sharing some with USHW and pointing out old crushes of mine. I went to a mixed school and coupled, with teenaged Ruuude's hormones running amok, there were quite a few, including a few people mentioned on the blog before, like SJ.

So, yeah, it was a pleasant memory for a Monday morning.

Where did you go?

I've just spent the past half an hour scouring my photos folder on my PC. I, inexplicably, had this desire to see some pictures that I'd scanned of a New Year's Eve party from many, many years ago. It was simultaneously the first night I met QC1 (and kissed her), and one of the last nights I saw SJ (a huge crush of mine from my later school years - I've posted about her before).

I don't know why the desire kicked in, but I can't find any of the photos. I know that I shared them with USHW back in the day, so I will be able to find them in my email, but not having the originals is disappointing.

Time gentlemen, please.

Many, many years ago, when we were at school, FP and I would put in our evenings by walking. We would go all sorts of places, but we had two favourite routes. The first was one that was roughly five miles long and would take us past SJ's house. The other, was reserved for the summer months as it took us to the edge of town and offer us some stunning views across the city where we'd have teenage boy dreams of opening our own bar with windows and patios that showed off those very views.

So surfing the local property website with dreams of a lottery win (as I did a few weeks back when I saw FA's old house), and lo and behold, one of the very sites that FP and I would daydream over back in the day.

Not the world's greatest thing to find when I'm still coming down off the YouTube video from my last post.

Diggin' her scene.

Another random memory today, this time triggered by my music as I was doing some work in the back garden. It was of my big school crush, SJ, one of the few people from school that I'd like to see again. It was triggered because, in order to get into my good books, she'd given me a tape of a couple of her favourite albums. One of them was definitely Level 42. The other might have been the Blow Monkeys. She was currying favour because she wanted to be let loose on my collection of soul albums - Otis Redding and that kind of stuff, and I was fiercely protective of them.

So when my random 80s Spotify playlist played both Level 42 and The Blow Monkeys in quick succession, I was transported back to school.

Looking back.

Earlier, I came across a post on Facebook last night that my sister had tagged me in a while back. It's an archived video from my old school days. Who features quite heavily at the start? SJ, my old school crush. That provoked some memories today, I tell you.

Picture this.

I was going through some old emails, specifically an email conversation I had with USHW a few years ago where I had admitted to finding some old photos and scanning them onto my PC. Specifically pictures of a party I attended where I'd kissed QC1 the first/only time, where I last remember spending time with my school crush, SJ, and, not pictured, the night FP and I turned up much later than we'd planned due to getting side-tracked at a pub and playing pool and losing track of time.

And another picture of QC1, a few years later. I'd hesitate to call her "beautiful", but I'd say "insanely pretty". Is there a difference? In my head, yes, though I'd find it difficult to explain why. And why did I get deja vu saying that?

Oh.

I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd been waking each morning with FA2, then CAB on my mind, for seemingly no reason.

This morning, it was my first big crush from school. She's been mentioned a few times before. I think I called her SJ. I've no idea why she was on my mind and in a sexual way. I'd never thought about her that way before, and I rarely think about her in general.

It's only really when FP and I are reminiscing that she comes to mind. I think FP shares my opinion that she's one of the few people from school that we'd like to reconnect with, that we don't already.

Funny how.

I was going to make a post about how, one time, a taxi driver was incredulous that E and I weren't an item. This would have happened a few weeks before she left the country. Then I realised two things: first of all, I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before, so I won't repeat myself. Secondly that it's not the first time someone has confused my relationship with someone else.

An ex-colleague (we never really worked together, but our company is social so I'm on 'head nodding' terms with hundreds of people) approached me in a bar one night and asked how long KfW2 and I had been married. KfW2 was at the bar at the time, hence his inquisitiveness.

Finally, a schoolfriend of mine asked G how long I'd been dating a girl I had a massive crush on (SJ). I've posted about this girl before - destined to leave and go travel and live elsewhere and was mature beyond her years. And I did have a massive crush on her, and we were friends and I probably was spending a noticeable amount of time hanging out with her, hoping to see something that would indicate the attraction was mutual. It wasn't, though. But at least I can understand this one. The two above are mysteries.

There was also the fact that CH's friends, and maybe even CH herself, thought I was trying it on with her when we first got introduced. They told me as much, one night, when we were out for a work thing. But that always confused me because, in the early days, there was nothing to be suspicious about, and when we did get to the ambiguous touching etc, it was a two way street (and mainly coming from CH, plus she started it). So I found it funny that OK, MFF and CH were admitting that they initially thought I was trying to get into CH's underwear, only to change their minds after seeing no evidence, when CH would regularly grab my ass surreptitiously or linger on a kiss just a fraction longer than you'd expect. 

Memories

This morning I was thinking about people I knew at school, after digging up some old scans of photos from around the time I left high school. I was specifically think of two people: a guy I'd been friends with all the way through school since Year 8, and a girl who I'd been friends with in sixth form and I'd developed a MASSIVE crush on. I'd had other crushes before, but this was a bigger one than any I'd had up to that point.

They both went AWOL after school and have, to the best of my knowledge, no social media presence. I have looked. Neither of them turned up to our school reunion (which would have been nearly five years ago now) and none of our circle of friends seems to know where they've gone to.

The girl, let's call her SJ, was always going to go away for university. While she had never confided in me about it, she was the kind of girl that wanted to go out and see the world and she never really made that a secret. And once she left, it was unlikely she'd ever be back. However, she didn't seem like the type that would simply disappear, even though this was pre-social media. Bearing in mind that I'd stayed in touch with R2 for a few years after she left, and we barely knew each other - a budding romance/friendship that was just at the wrong time. SJ and I were actual friends. Would it have been more? I never saw any signals at the time and, looking back, I just remember a good friendship.

I know FP saw her a few times shortly after we all left school. He even claimed that she'd made moves on him one night. I don't know how much I believe him. SJ was the kind of girl who would have made a move herself if she was interested, but I don't know that FP was her type.

I saw SJ once after we left - I bumped into her and her little sister at a musical at the theatre when I was out with AM and tried to have a conversation or at least arrange to meet after the show for a drink. I think the term "frosty" would adequately describe her engagement in the conversation. It was disappointing and somewhat confusing. After all, when she broke up with a boyfriend, I was the person she called for company, not any of her female friends. We had been that close. And her little sister thought I was great.

Of all the people I've lost touch with over the years, SJ is definitely top of the list of people I'd love to hear from again.

Blast from the past.

Another night, another dream. I mean, I assume I dream most nights and can't remember most of them, and even those that I do remember are too dull or uninteresting to report or ponder.

Last night's was not one of them.

I had a friend at school. Well, lots of friends, but there was one in particular, a girl. I'll call her SJ. I don't remember how we got close, but we did... then I developed a huge crush on her, which you will be un-surprised to hear I never acted upon.

But there was something about her - her attitude towards life and our home town. If we were American, she'd have been "Most likely to travel the world" or something in our yearbook. She seemed a lot more worldly-wise than our other friends and while most of my peers were looking at attending local universities, she was looking further afield.

Things got complicated during our final year at school - she ended up dating two close friends of mine, one of whom knew about my crush. When the first of these "relationships" fell apart (he did not know about my crush), it was me she called, not any of her female friends. I never understood why. We were close but not, in my opinion, "the first person to call after a break up" close, especially given my relationship with her now ex.

After school, she left for university and pretty much disappeared. To the best of my knowledge, no one is in contact with her. The last people to see her were myself, AM and FP, separately. FP caught up with her in Belgium when he was passing through while we still at least knew where she was, a few months after leaving school. A year or so later, AM and I bumped into her and her sister at a theatre show in our home town and she seemed really distant and reluctant to chat.

And that was that. I don't think she's on social media - I have looked. I'm pretty certain that she's never returned (permanently) to her hometown.

And that leads me to the dream.

Somehow, after all this time, we managed to make contact with each other. At a reunion of sorts subsequent to contact being made again, our friendship was instantly reignited and we spent hours talking, almost ignoring everyone else in attendance. In the end, we slip off to another place, possibly another bar for privacy, where we continue to catch up on our lives since school. And, yes, that feeling is still there, but now I think she feels it too.

But before anything is done about that, the others find us and the party starts again. Around this time, the dream fades or I wake up.

Back in the real world, I'm feeling nostalgic and maybe a little melancholic?

And despite our last meeting, I want to meet her again.