ooops!

Well, I didn't come back, but I ended up drinking and watching DVDs. Admittedly getting drunk and watching DVDs is kinda what got me into the kind of mood I was in last night anyway, but that's only a minor point.

The recent troubles at work have caused problems. Not just with my professional reputation, but with my own confidence. My confidence ebbs and flows both personally and professionally. At times, it's always low - approaching women with a view to pursuing something romantic/physical is probably the obvious example. At other times, my confidence levels are fairly high/normal - talking to people normally (although I'm useless at smalltalk), knowing my limits at sports etc.

This recent fiasco in work (partly, though not wholly, my fault) has resulted in my confidence taking a real pumelling. In trying to implement fixes for some errors, I had to work late a few nights last week. Everyone else had gone home and I was left on my own to figure out the problem and fix it. This took quite a short period of time, but I then spent the best part of an hour afterwards doubting the code I'd written, checking and double-checking the work many times before getting fed up, posting the fix and leaving the office at nearly 8 pm - a work day of around 11.5 hours.

I still hope/think that the problems of last week/recently have finally been sorted, but I have to start and rebuild my professional confidence again. This is a process that's going to take quite a while, I think and the enjoyment and happiness that I had in this job has taken a severe dent.

The DVDs I was watching (Before Sunrise and Before Sunset) simply reminded me of how useless some people are at contact. The particular plot/circumstances and some of the thoughts voiced by the characters reminded me of V (again) and I'm sad to say that I was the just thew right kind of drunken mood last night where I get stupidly reminscent and oddly sentimental about the brief time I had with V and slightly depressed that despite my attempts at contact, V hasn't yet replied.

It's an odd mood I'm in. I think I'll have to sort out something fun for the summer (visit a few mates or something) to give me a break from work and something to look forward to.