Eeek!

While out with Nerdy Girl last night, I got on to the subject of how useless I am at interviews. I've not done one in years, but I have come close a few times within the past few years and even before getting into an interview, I've had panic attacks and withdrawn my application.

I have an application sitting, ready to go. I doubt there are many other people within the company who match the criteria like I do. But I've not even sent in the application and I'm already all over the place.

Since this morning, here's what I've experienced:

• Panic
• Optimism
• Fear
• Light-headed
• Dizzy
• Excitement
• Stress

This is all fed by imposter syndrome and presumably low self-esteem and a lack of experience in doing interviews.

It'll get worse when I submit the application because I will need to prep for it which will stress me out further and I can look forward to these kinds of mood swings until the interview happens.

As I said to NG last night... I can describe this, but I don't think anyone has really understood how bad it is for me, to the point where I have avoided interviews etc. For example,. I might have been unhappy with the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy, but that annoyance and frustration was nothing compared to how I feel when faced with interviews and change and the fear of somehow being found out. CC simply doesn't get it. Her comments usually imply that I should toughen up and get over it, even though she has done the same thing that I did, numerous times. KfW2 is similar. For years, she had panic attacks going for interviews, but she seems to have gotten over that, and is doing that thing that she does where she's now normalised her current behaviour, ignoring the fact that she avoided interviews for well over ten years.