happy/sad.

Some might say it was classic KfW2. She pulled up in front of my house at about 4:15PM. It was 4:35 by the time she knocked on the front door, because she was on the phone. Then her daughter needed collecting earlier than she had anticipated. We managed a quick cup of tea, a quick discussion about our various work-related woes and then she had to run off, roughly half an hour later.

During the conversation, she apologised a few times for being blunt, but there was no need to apologise in my opinion. She was offering advice and feedback that I'd not considered by myself and that my own manager probably should have given a while back. I guess that's the benefit of getting that advice from someone who probably knows me better than anyone else. And I am fully aware that there are times I do need that bluntness, that verbal kick up the ass, and I said as much to KfW2.

I loved the brief time that we had chatting, and was disappointed that she left so soon after arriving - we chatted for maybe 20 minutes.

However, the thing is with KfW2, and I think I've said this before, that while her advice and feedback is always welcome, sometimes there is an element of a preachy ex-smoker vibe to it. Case in point - she's nearly as bad at job interviews as I am. But a few years ago she went for a job and didn't get it. Then a few days later, she got a call from the same manager who offered her a slightly different job. Since then, she's gotten a few promotions and job changes, though she was pretty much handed them.

To hear her talk, you'd think that she battled the odds to get to where she's gotten, ignoring the massive element of luck that set her along that path. Alongside that, she's been hand-selected for promotions partly off the back her work. Fair play to her for making the most of the initial opportunity, but a lot of what she's brought to her new job was created in her old role, my current team. So she's standing on the shoulders of giants. She's often been critical of the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy, but doesn't admit or see the same thing happening to her.

I'm not saying she's bad at her job. I honestly don't know exactly what she's done since she made the initial change a little over three years ago, but she was excellent at her job while she was on my team.

I'll admit it. I am hugely jealous of the recognition and luck that she's gotten, mainly because a lot of what she's been recognised for has been my work, my ideas, my innovation, that she's carried into her new team. It annoys me that I can't buy recognition in my own team for the same work. If I didn't have massive anxiety issues, I'd have gone elsewhere a long time ago, but it's these anxiety issues that are a real problem at the moment. 

The attractive blonde HR girl, who I was talking to on Monday, pointed me towards some help, perhaps even some kind of counselling, depending on what the initial assessment turns up. And I'm pretty sure it'll turn something up - I am a broken man in more ways than one, and probably have been a lot longer than I care to admit.

Getting back to KfW2's advice, she's suggesting that some practice will help, some public speaking training will help, but I'm not sure that these are the things I need to address. I feel that there's something more ingrained that's causing the anxiety - the anxiety itself is a symptom, not the cause, if that makes sense.

But it was great seeing her again, for only like the third time this year. Hopefully we can squeeze another couple of meetings in before Xmas. Bittersweet because it made me realise how much I value her friendship and how much I miss her.