Self examination.

I've always wondered why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other. Christmas has never been an important time of the year for me, or my family really, until my sister had kids. The only time I've been in a proper relationship over Christmas was when I was with FA2. My brief dalliance with FBS started around this time of year, too, though that hardly counts. However, to be honest, the only Christmas FA2 and I were together, she wasn't around for it. I'm not complaining about her going to her parents or anything - it's not like we were living together where that might be a valid complaint. She actively left the country to spend time with her parents and extended family in the States.

Any time there was criticism from FA2 about my commitment to the relationship (this was pretty much the only time we ever argued), I only ever had two counter arguments:

1) Actions speak louder than words and if she had any doubts to my commitment or feelings for her, my actions should be perfectly clear even if I didn't express it verbally as much as I should
2) She was the one who took herself 3000 miles away at a time of the year where loved ones were supposed to be important.

We'd already spoken about it before and after she went. I'd said at the time that I was disappointed that she'd gone (though glad she was back for NYE). We'd been officially dating for 8 months at that stage and unofficially on and off for another three prior to that. She made it clear that her family would always take precedence.

"Even if it's just for a holiday?"

She had no answer, but in reality, I knew the decision wasn't even hers, even if she didn't realise it herself. Her mother called the shots and she had decided FA2 was going to America to see her family. I don't even think that her mother liked me that much. So, FA2 wasn't going to go against her mother.

I kinda got side-tracked there. As I said, Christmas has never been important, so I'm at a loss as to why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other.