Que sera sera.

I don't know how much I've posted before about pre-friendship KfW2. She was someone known to me as we had worked in the same department for a few years, though not in the same team. I think I have said that, physically, she's pretty much my perfect girl. So, I did have a little crush on her, but I never knew her well enough to talk to her or anything.

After the FBS fling (she was a co-worker in the same department but not the same team) and the fact everyone wanted to get involved when FBS and I didn't work out the way everyone wanted, I've kinda avoided dating co-workers. That's not been an issue as I don't recall having strong romantic/sexual feelings for anyone I've worked with bar QC2.

As an aside, there'd always been a theory from the guys in work that KfW2's initial meetup with her now husband was a setup. KfW2 and the guy were long time, though now distant, friends through an ex-boyfriend of KfW2. KfW2 had recently broken up with her previous boyfriend and was in a little bit of a dark place. At the time, I was completely unaware of this as she had kept this from everyone at work. Seemingly, from the first time they met again (he arrived with lots of alcohol), they hit it off instantly and have been together ever since. The theory that the guys in work had formed was that the guy had been carrying a torch for her for a long time, arrived with enough alcohol to get her drunk and maybe make a move. I seem to recall this was suggested to her at a night out by someone else and was vehemently denied, but we weren't convinced that KfW2 would even know if it were true and the theory hasn't gone away.

Why the preamble? Well, since the first seeds were sown in my friendship with KfW2, I've always been aware that it hasn't been 100% platonic from my angle. There was even a point, just after she'd met her now husband, where I was having serious concerns about which way my feelings were going to go (apart from the obvious physical traits, she ticks a lot of the other boxes in terms of non-physical attributes too) and included a few "what if" moments such as if I'd met KfW2 a few weeks earlier, it's likely she'd have opened up to me regarding the breakup and wouldn't have been in as much of a dark place (i.e. less vulnerable) and who knows how things would have turned out. I can't remember if I posted about it here on BN or if it was just a conversation I'd had with USHW though. Beyond that initial blip, that non-platonic part has always been tucked away in its own little "not to be opened" box and I'd thought nothing of it... until last week.

It's safe to say that for a good few days, I was in emotional turmoil. Part of it was the re-surfacing of the ambiguous feelings and part of it was a sense of disappointment that I have definitely touched upon before. To explain the second point first, KfW2 has already hinted that she wants a family with her husband. I think they'll be trying sooner rather than later and the odd night out I currently get with her, where I really enjoy our conversations, will sadly go away. I know it's not the end of the friendship or anything just because she wants a family, but I'm resistant to change, especially when the nights out are an important part of our friendship and with the recent issues with getting friends out, this is something that's been on my mind recently. I had considered that the disappointment was rather a selfish emotion to have, but USHW has assured me that it's natural to feel that way, that things will change though not necessarily for the worst.

I was also in a panic about the ambiguous romantic-or-not feelings. The whole unrequited/never-going-to-happen thing is such a mind fuck that it's worth avoiding where possible. However, this time it was much stronger than before - the confusion - not the feelings themselves, though they might have been. I woke up in a blind panic the night after our close conversation and couldn't get back to sleep. I spent the next few days walking around in a semi-daze, listening to music solidly and trying to figure out what was going on in my head. I know it's not a crime to have feelings for someone, but common sense will tell you that sometimes you should avoid it if you can.

I went through something similar with QC2 and that was pure hell, though slightly differently, we were friends first before I developed the romantic thoughts whereas with KfW2, there was already an element of something non-platonic. My friendship with KfW2 is something I didn't want to have to abandon just because I was stupid enough to develop other feelings for her and that itself was a cause for concern.

The whole soul searching was ultimately meaningless - I don't know that you can rationalise away feelings just by considering whether or not you should be having them, but I guess it kinda helped put the time away. When push came to shove, on the day of the wedding, it became clear that it was probably just a last minute panic. I felt nothing untoward during the ceremony and, if anything, came away feeling really positive and wishing KfW2 and the now husband nothing but the best for the future. I still do.

There is still a little box of non-platonic emotions being kept in the corner and it'll hopefully stay there until it slowly fades.