Boost.

So, with August looking positive already... at least until next weekend, let's look at a nice picture of Anna Kendrick in a slinky black dress to kick start next month with a mood booster.

Here we go.

August is already off to a flyer, from a social point of view. Friday is our annual Summer work event. Quiet Girl is going, so there'll be eye candy. And KfW2 has just texted asking me if I want to go to a BBQ at her house on Saturday.

I've said that I'll go, and I will. I doubt I'll stay over, which will cause all manner of chat. I love spending time with Kfw2, but as I've repeatedly said on this blog, I'm an introvert. I'm also shy, but that's a different conversation.

As an introvert, I need to recharge after being social. That usually means just getting back to my own space. When I stay over in KfW2's, it often means I don't get back to my house until mid-afternoon by which time I am running on empty.

So, I usually try to get a taxi home late in the evening. That means I get to enjoy a night out, plus I get to wake up in my own bed.

It's something that KfW2 hasn't quite grasped, though I've done an awful job of explaining things to her.

Still... two nights out this weekend will see me absolutely mentally exhausted by Sunday afternoon.

Urgh.

I'm glad to see the back of July, to be honest. I had hoped that it would be exciting and busy from a personal perspective.

While it was great to get the night out with G, and there was the afternoon meeting with FP and BR, there could have been so much more. A night out with The Crowd, for example.

But while those were undoubted highlights, from a work perspective, it was awful. I was hugely stressed for pretty much the entire month. Our most experienced and knowledgeable guy was out of the office for the summer holidays and I was the next in line. But I'm still learning, I only know a fraction of the stuff I need to and I had three or four people contact me to take on some urgent work. And all that juggling makes me stressed.

There's no doubt that I'm almost definitely being far too negative and reading too much into things. My manager sent me a message on Friday saying that I'd done a good job in the other guy's absence, which allays some fears, but when the same thing happens again (and it will), I'll be back to being stressed out.

Ooops.

While twenty years is a long time, the recent trawl through some old MSN logs continues to bemuse me with the revelations that I was more confident in my feelings towards E than I can remember. It wasn't just F. I've mentioned QC2, but I've also uncovered logs from other online friends where I admit both feelings for E and optimism that it might actually work out.

While I don't expect to remember everything from back in the day, the fact that I completely forgot about this is... concerning? I don't know if that's the correct word. This isn't some random girl that I met in the pub one night and never saw again, like Chloe or Near Miss. It's someone important to me, so being unable to remember feelings so unambiguous that I was telling QC2, F and others about it feels at least a little weird.

I am massively enjoying reading the logs again though, including F's updates about how much K really didn't know me as a person.

Beer Goggles.

Quiet Girl pinged me on the office IM system asking if I was still going to the work event in a few weeks time. I am, so I told her. She was excited. I can't remember if I blogged before, but Stalky Guy and I usually go to these events, and I'd shared with QG that we were attending. So, if she wanted to go but none of her friends were going, then she'd at least know a few people.

She said she'd take me up on that, but I didn't know that I believed it until just now. So, I at least have someone to perv at next week.

Whoops 3: Revenge of the Whoops

I've continued to trawl through my chat logs with F through the summer of 2004. I'm surprised by how open I've been with F. A few days ago, I blogged about sharing my excitement at visiting E, F's own excitement about E and I possibly hooking up/getting together and QC2's post-visit email asking if I got my rocks off.

There are other conversations, too. After sharing with F that I was meeting an attractive brunette for drinks (QC2), I've semi-admitted to F that I found her to be attractive and was greatly appreciative of her arse in a pair of 501s, though I don't think I ever admitted to having a crush on her back in the day.

This was all around the time I interviewed for, and actually got, a job in the career of my choice. 

Whoops 2: the whoopsening.

It goes without saying that after that trawl through my old chat logs, that I miss E. I told her as much at the start of the month, when we last swapped messages.

I miss F too, to an extent. That chats with her were always fun.

Whoops.

As tends to be the case, my appalling memory led me to my old MSN chat logs, to try and make sense of the timelines from the last post.

And, actually, it wasn't that far off. It was pre-blog, so I never recorded anything here, but the chat with K was pretty much a year to the day that we'd had sex.

What I was surprised about, and what prompted this post, was a conversation with F a month prior to K's chat. I was days away from a trip to visit E. This was before she moved abroad. F was encouraging me to make a move on E. But I don't ever recall admitting to having strong romantic feelings for E. It's always been ambiguous. She was a friend of mine, I loved spending time with her; she was physically attractive and had a nice rack. But did I like her more than that? I don't think I've ever come to a concrete decision on that. I was comfortable in her presence, though.

And yet, F was super-excited for me, giving me tips on reading body language, all with a view to making a move if I ever saw any interest.

And, obviously, I never made a move. In another surprising revelation, the chat logs have me explaining to F how E was gushing about some new man she was chasing and F being sympathetic. I also make comments about QC2 asking me if I "got my rocks off" with E. I really don't remember sharing any of this with anyone.

I simply don't recall that at all. I remember lots about that specific weekend away, including E bent over a pool table and E correctly identifying my preference for tall brunettes, but I don't recall anything about this guy.

F also shared a lot of her conversations with K, who wasn't as over me as she would have led me to believe and was accusing me, behind my back, of leading her on.

Oh, K?

Maybe it was my post at the weekend regarding female friends, or maybe it was something totally random, but I woke up this morning with K on my mind. That was pretty much due to an X-rated dream where we met in a hotel room and had sex non-stop for a few days before parting ways.

In real life, K and I only ever had sex once. I'm pretty sure that I've blogged about this before so I'll not repeat myself right now. After that first and only time, we were both in the same hotel on two further occasions and we met, in person, at least twice more.

There was an undercurrent of sexual tension each time. To be honest, I would have slept with K again quite happily if not for the fact that K held much stronger feelings for me and was pushing, quite aggressively, for a relationship. Prior to one of those occasions, she'd admitted to F that she was going to have sex with me.

So, yeah, I would have slept with her again... plus I'd always had this idea/bucket list item about spending a few days in a hotel with a willing, cute participant, enjoying ourselves. Sleeping with K would have afforded me the opportunity to tick that off. I reckon she'd have agreed to it too, if she hadn't gone all stalker-y and mad.

It was weird though. We'd moved on from it... I think. We were regularly conversing over MSN, albeit mostly about the online hobby. And then one day, out of the blue, almost a year to the day from our hooking up, she accuses me of having a problem with her. I didn't... though I was very wary about giving off the wrong impression and was keeping her at arm's length. She was right, though, a barrier was created and delivered.

But getting back to the weekend's post about female friends... while I wouldn't say that I miss K (after all it's well over ten years since we last spoke), I am disappointed in how things ended between us.

School days.

Years ago, there was a Facebook group around arranging a school reunion. It's barely active now though, only really used when one of our school year has something noteworthy to share.

And so, someone posted something over the weekend and I went down a rabbit hole of memories. It wasn't anything that I found massively exciting, but I did come across a few messages from a girl I knew at school. I might have had a little crush on her if I am being honest. And while she was pretty (she kind of resembled 80s starlet Patsy Kensit), I liked her because she was intelligent, warm and funny. Personality-wise, now that I think about it, she reminds me of KfW2.

She never made it to the reunion, though I believe she ended up marrying another of our school year.

It is not noteworthy in itself, except I happened to catch Lethal Weapon 2 on TV last night which starred, amongst others, Patsy Kensit.

Point of view.

There was a post made on Reddit over the weekend about having a woman "best friend". Now, first of all, I don't know that I've ever had a "best friend". There's no one person out there who knows all about me nor is there one person that I'd go to, no matter what.

I do have close friends, though.

Regardless, the question provoked some thought and some reminiscing. Despite having a lot of social anxiety, I guess I've been lucky in that I've been friends with some great women.

It also kicked up a bit of nostalgia. I'm not in contact with QC2 or CH any longer, which saddens me. I miss them both, for different reasons. But it must be ten years for QC2 and eight years for CH. At least since we had a proper conversation.

USHW and I haven't really had a proper conversation in years, since 2019.

AM also disappeared, but that was as much my decision as hers as I stopped making the effort and her own lack of effort ensured that we pretty much stopped communicating.

E moved across to the other side of the world, though my friendship with E was different from those than the others. Where I did lean on the others for a female perspective at times, it's something I never did with E.

And finally, KfW2. I don't need to say any more... there have been more than enough posts over the years about her. All I'll do here is reiterate how much she means to me, and how I wish we'd see more of each other these days.

And in comparison to the average person on Reddit, I seem to be doing very well in the "female friends" stakes.

Here we go again.

I've only been back at work for three full days after nearly two weeks off and I'm already as stressed now as I was before my time off.

It's a combination of factors - I know little about the system, which is at least recognised.

But I have three different people giving me work to do and telling me that it's the highest priority without actually speaking to each other. And that's not counting the random emails or IMs that I get from people asking for "quick favours".

I've had a task on my list for about four weeks. Document some stuff and do some knowledge sharing. Not that big a deal, and every time we have a meeting, I'm told that there are at least three other projects that are higher priority. So the documentation doesn't get written. But now the girl is complaining that the documentation isn't done despite her being the person telling me about all these other priorities.

I mean, for fuck sake. this isn't rocket science. Nor is it THAT important. We'll get around to it when we get around to it.

Be Cool

I watched the sequel to Get Shorty earlier, Be Cool. It's, unsurprisingly, not as good as the first even though it shares a lot of the same beats.

It does, though, have Uma Thurman. It has Uma Thurman looking stunning in a bikini. It has Uma Thurman looking fantastic in a short skirt and boots. Mmmm...

But, yeah, not as good as the first one.

Multiples.

I had a weird dream last night. KfW2 invited me to a party. There were loads of people there, but one person, in particular, caught my eye: Morena Baccarin. However, she was just a normal person, not the actress we would recognise in real life. Unsurprisingly, I spent a lot of the time trying to make an impression.

The strange part of the dream was that a statuesque brunette woman later turned up. In the dream, this was the actual celebrity Morena Baccarin, even though it looked nothing like her. After she had arrived, KfW2 and Normal Morena Baccarin tried to get the celebrity and me to hook up.

And then I woke up.

Itch

While I was at her house for Sunday dinner, my sister suggested that I might want to travel. I mean, she's not wrong. Ever since I went halfway around the world after university, I've wanted to see more. But I don't really like travelling alone. I know that I visited NZ on my own, years back, but that was essentially a visit to see E.

Even though I spent practically a month in NZ, probably a third of that was in E's company.

So, yeah, I'd like to do something interesting.

CC suggested yesterday that I might take KfW2's place on their trip abroad. But as I posted yesterday, I can just about do a couple of hours alone with CC, never mind an entire weekend.

That's ignited something in me. I've been looking at things to do in New York. It's weird... I want to see New York, but there's nothing specific really that draws me there. Sadly, R2 no longer lives in the city. I would be really tempted to pick her brains about something cool to do, and maybe even arrange dinner or drinks.

There are other places on the list, but it's NY that's been on my mind today, for reasons I can't explain.

So, what's fun to do in NYC, if you were there for, say, five days? What's interesting to see or where's good to eat?

• Empire State Building
• Statue of Liberty
• Hudson Yards Observation Deck
• One World Observatory

Sigh.

It took less than ten minutes to remember why I can only deal with CC in small doses and why the last time I saw her was at the start of April. We were approaching the restaurant for brunch and already CC had started talking at me even though I'd yet to finish my sentence and was lecturing me on what to do, even though I was only describing what was happening at work and wasn't looking for a solution to any problem. Sigh.

This is why I can only deal with her in small doses, especially if it's just the two of us. It's also why, when CC suggests we do a weekend away together, I never give her an answer. There's also the fact that CC is not a sightseer. She's a "go away to the sun and lie on a sun lounger" girl.

She's still talking about a weekend away with KfW2 that still hasn't been finalised. KfW2 is proving difficult to pin down, CC complained.

"I can't even get her out for dinner or drinks, getting her to commit and plan an entire weekend would be impossible," I sympathised.

One thing that she did say that raised an eyebrow was that S was out with a woman last weekend... a blonde woman. It's been a while since I sat and spoke properly to S, but our next conversation will be interesting.

"These people are hugging"

I had a dream last night where I woke one morning, naked, to find that I had company in bed, who was also naked. This company was CC. We cuddled for a bit, got out of bed and went our separate ways. However, despite the nakedness and cuddling, I don't think it was a sexual dream. I can't say for sure, though, because that's literally the only part of the dream that I remember.

I don't even know what brought it on. I am seeing CC in an hour or so for brunch, which we arranged yesterday. That might explain CC's presence. But for the naked cuddling? I enjoy it, sure, and it brings back nice memories of waking naked beside FA2 or FBS, amongst others.

So, yeah, I don't know.

Just talkin'

The night out with G was as good as always. We chatted for hours with no lull, which is par for the course. We covered loads of topics, including my meeting last week with FP and BR. One of the highlights was G asking me if I would do anything different in my life?

I lied a little and said that I was happy where I was currently. It's mostly true. I own my own house, I'm mostly healthy and I have a job that I like. My mental health is not great and I'm single, which is currently bothering me a little.

I pointed out one aspect that probably would have changed my entire life from age 18 onwards. I would have missed out on my friendships with Friction Guy, FBS and QC2 for starters. E, too. It might have had an effect on meeting CAB, FA2 and my time living abroad. It almost definitely would have meant not meeting KfW2 and The Crowd. I wouldn't have started the online hobby which meant I crossed paths with USHW, A, K and F.

Would I have been happier? Who knows? My friendships with E and KfW2 are extremely important to me, and I would struggle to give those up (even though, strictly speaking, I'd not ever know about them).

We both agreed that we are the people we are because of the journey that we have taken.

G also pointed out that I was looking around the bar more than I usually did. I'm not sure it was true. The bar didn't even appear to be that busy, presumably due to the weather, because bars in my hometown are usually rammed on a Friday evening. I can only recall one woman taking my eye, a cute blonde woman, so I guess that G just managed to catch me looking at her.

We left the bar four hours later, more than a little tipsy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the evening.

Tonight.

I'm meeting G tonight. FP has pretty much ruled himself out as he's not feeling great, though I have a gut feeling he'll try to come out. M's off on his holidays, I think, so I'm not expecting his presence.

We're going to a local bar rather than heading into the town. It's a nice bar, but I've only ever been in it on a Sunday afternoon/evening or during the week (it's where I would have my semi-regular catch-ups with QC2 back in the day), so I'm intrigued to see what the weekend crowd is like.

Lip up fatty

Facebook showed up some interesting photos today as part of its memories. It's from a meet-up I had from my online hobby (posted by someone else, not me). It must be 20 years ago now. There's not a lot to say about it other than it was fun. K was present, though I'd met her before and this would be before things got physical between us.

But what struck me was how thin I was. Sure, I was exercising more, but I was also drinking every weekend.

It all changed when I started a new job in 2004 which meant spending several months in America. Exercise went way down, food intake went way up and alcohol intake also went way up.

When I returned to the UK, I must have been 2 stone (13 kg) heavier than when I left, and it's a weight that I simply haven't been able to shift since. I still played sport for a few years, I went to the gym to see GC, the alcohol intake didn't really drop off.

My mum and sister both told me, separately, that the extra weight I was now carrying was good for me, though while I was thin, I was never massively underweight. In fact, I think I was pretty much spot on for my age and height at the time.

Nothing else to report, really. It was just a bit jarring seeing photos of me from that long ago... there aren't many that exist at all, never mind online.

Take it easy.

I watched Blade: Trinity last night and a thought popped into my head. Why is it that low-rise jeans never came back into fashion? Everything else seems to have come around at least once.

Granted, not everyone can wear those with a vest top (and possibly showing a little midriff) as well as Jessicas Alba or Biel could back in the early 2000s, but I liked it.

D'oh.

I dipped my toe back into online dating last night. I guess the single thing from the weekend was still playing on my mind a little. It's the first time in a while that I've browsed with intent. A familiar face popped up. A woman who I've seen before. However, my memory being what it is, I didn't think she was local. I'd assumed it was someone I'd seen when I was Tindering on a trip to the States quite a few years ago.

Certainly, for me, the photos gave off a very American vibe, including her name. However, that's not the story I want to tell. The woman is gorgeous. She has a great set of legs, if we want to get into the physical side of things. Legs are not things I tend to notice. I only call it out because I'm pretty sure that the woman in question likes her legs. Her Tinder photos are very leggy.

So, yeah. I want to swipe right and see where things go. Did I swipe right before? I can't remember. The last time I saw this woman was years ago.

I fat-fingered it and managed to swipe left. D'oh.

Hello.

This weekend was a lot quieter than I had both hoped and expected. There was a flurry of contact activity at tea time. KfW2 sent a text message. I got an email from USHW. Surprisingly, V sent a message, too.

I had hoped to actually see or speak to KfW2, but she didn't call. That's a little surprising as she's usually quite thoughtful. But as I have repeatedly mentioned, despite her admitting that she's "a bad friend" because we're talking less and less these days, it's still nigh on impossible to get her out for lunch, dinner or drinks. Oh, and her last two phone calls have effectively been to ask for favours.

I got a random message from CC last night. I've not spoken to her in months... since the start of April, I think. I don't know where she was, but she was in the same place as S and she ended up pretty drunk.

And lastly, G was in touch. He's actually home next weekend, so I think I might actually get out to the pub on a Friday or Saturday. I genuinely can't recall the last time that happened.

Random

I meant to post yesterday that I woke from a dream, that I can't really remember. But I spent the entire day absolutely convinced that I'd run into Chloe when I was out and about with BR and FP.

That never happened, but it took until about 5 PM, when we were sitting in a pub, for the feeling to go away.

raincheck.

Ended up with a few drinks last night at home. I was hoping that there'd be more tonight, but everyone in The Crowd has essentially said they're unavailable. FP's off the sauce for a bit (and I did see him yesterday), which I might go into at a later date, and I simply haven't said anything to KfW2.

I've been feeling a bit lonely over the past few days. I might post about it separately later, but it looks as if it's an unexpectedly dry day, so I'm off to do some tidying up in the garden while I have the chance.

I'm feeling really lazy today. I went to bed around 1030 last night, but I awoke at 2 AM and tossed and turned until I got up at 0830.

Here are some pictures of women in backless dresses to cheer me up and, I hope, you too.

Just stuff.

I met up with BR and FP and we had a great few hours catching up, swapping news and just shooting the breeze. I'm back home now with a few beers, but I see KfW2 has posted a photo on Facebook. And I have to say, she looks stunning. I miss her, especially this weekend. I miss her, I miss our nights out and I really wish we could do one soon.

Possibilities.

I'm just about to head out to meet BR, and possibly FP. Depending on how the afternoon goes, I might see S as well for a few drinks. An afternoon of possibilities. Who knows what will happen?

Something to look forward to.

Since I dropped E a quick message wishing her a happy birthday about a week ago, we've swapped a couple of messages. In the most recent, she shared that she's trying to arrange to come home next year for a visit.

"That'd be brilliant. I miss you, you know!"

And it's true.

Then she dropped a bombshell... she's entering court proceedings against her ex, and the father of her two kids. She hoped it'll be done and dusted by the turn of the year, then she can start planning properly. If not... then I guess we'll see.

If she sticks to her usual timing, then it'll be roughly this time next year.

I'd love to see E again and get her out for drinks.

It's oh so quiet.

I got a last-minute message from Quiet Girl just before I quit for the day, asking if I was going to go to the next work event at the start of August. I'd recently suggested to her that, if she wanted to go to a work event and didn't want to go alone, Stalky Guy or I would likely be going and she was more than welcome to join us.

So, I replied that I'd more than likely be going. She then said that she'd registered to go. Result!

And just as I take some time off, I'm in a better mood. I have a cute woman to accompany me to a work social event. She's married, so window shopping only, for me. And I have ten days off work. Ten days of lie-ins, chilling and not thinking about work.

Sofa King, What?

This is something that's been sitting in my drafts for ages (i.e. years) that I've never managed to finish and post, but I was reading a post on Reddit earlier where a girl was asking how to spot indicators of interest from a guy she was interested in.

Most replies advised her to just make the approach herself rather than try to second guess vague non-verbal cues.

It reminded me of an evening that I think led to FBS becoming interested in me, and I was the one who started it, and it was due to misread or wrong cues.

We were at D's, drinking and listening to music. At the end of the evening, D went to bed. It was late and I was drunk and lazy, so I said that I'd take the sofa. Surprisingly, FBS also said that she'd take the sofa. Now, that was interesting in itself. FBS lived less than 5 minute's walk from D's house. As the crow flies, it was less than 500 metres. I couldn't see why she'd want to share the sofa (I'd already called dibs on it) when her own bed was so close.

My place was around two miles away. A 30-minute walk or a taxi. So laziness won for me.

D had gone to bed, leaving us a blanket. FBS and I were lying on the sofa and I was wondering why FBS wanted to share the sofa with me. We weren't massively close. We were co-workers in the same department, but she was very much D's close friend. And as I have already mentioned, her own bed was 500m away.

So, putting two and two together, I decided it was because she wanted to make out with me.  We were lying, face-to-face. I went in for the kiss. FBS reciprocated for a few seconds before she realised what was going on. She broke the kiss.

"Errr... what are you doing?" she queried.

"Kissing?"

"I didn't even know you liked me."

"I thought you liked me?" I retorted.

I didn't ask why she wanted to share the sofa. I was in my early 20s. I'd made out with a few people before for no real reason other than we could. I assumed this was the case. And I was drunk. Plus, as I have said before, I don't push the issue if there's uncertainty or resistance.

I can't remember how the conversation ended, but I do remember waking up the next day, spooning FBS. I had my back to the back of the sofa with my arm draped across her tummy. That must have happened during the night as I was keeping my arms and hands to myself prior to falling asleep. I was undoubtedly sporting morning wood. 

Even though we had a blanket over us, when D came into the room, I think he spotted instantly the nature of our spooning. We both denied anything had happened. As far as I know, FBS never confessed to anything to D until things did actually get properly physical between us a few months later, but I've always wondered if this was the event that started FBS thinking about us as more than friends/acquaintances?

Urgh.

I'm going to be taking some well-needed time off in a few days and I had hoped that this week would be a matter of completing the stuff on my 'to-do' list and winding down. Sadly, this is not the case. With a few of the senior members of the team being out, it's been falling to me to look after stuff and it's stressing me out. I have neither the knowledge nor the time to deal with most of the stuff that's come through.

Roll on Thursday evening!

Hello?

I fired up the online dating apps for the first time in ages yesterday. Sadly, it was mostly the same faces, and those cute women who used to show up every so often, haven't been seen in ages (e.g. CC's friend, my sis's university friend and a few of the local minor celebs).

However, Bumble (a female-focused Tinder, for those of you who are unaware) threw up a surprise. Apparently, someone tried to message me back in March. She only has one picture but appears to be a super-cute brunette, with dark eyes. If you asked me about my physical preferences in women, that'd be my top answer.

So, frustration then.

Bah!