Going back to my earlier post. The stress comes from, I think, imposter syndrome and a lack of self-confidence. I know I can do my job well. I've been going a good job for well over 15 years in this particular field, after all. I know that, personally, I can get along with people.
However, when it comes to close professional scrutiny, I panic. I worry about not being able to do the tasks under the microscope. I worry about my memory or not being able to pick up concepts as quickly as I should. Mentally, I think I've really suffered this past year from a lack of stimulation and personal contact with other people.
And I have no outlet when this happens. As a single man, living on my own, in the middle of a pandemic, face to face chats with people are out of the question. A hug is out of the question. That's what I need right now. Apart from this blog, I'm going through this alone. tonight, I don't know whether to continue the prep I've been doing for the past few days or simply bin it off.
I will give KfW2 a call once this is all over, but I don't think she could help if I called right now. CC would be even worse. She chastised me last week for pulling out of an interview a few years back as I had a full-on panic attack a few hours beforehand.
I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I can guarantee that I'll spend the entire morning on edge until the thing starts at lunchtime and finishes late afternoon. It will be bad enough that it will have an effect on my performance. And I really need this to go well.
Just another reminder that, sometimes, being single can really suck balls.
No comments:
Post a Comment