Over the past few years, with various pieces of information coming my way, I've often wondered if I should be tested for autism. I've not read up on the subject as much as I perhaps should have, but there are different things that people have said, regarding their own experiences with autism, that definitely resonate.
A few years ago, Channel 4 did a night dedicated to autism and as part of that, there was a quiz. Answer questions - around 50 if I recall correctly - and it would give you a vague understanding of your own mind. As it happens, I scored enough to suggest that I was further into the autism spectrum than most, without actually scoring highly enough to recommend a proper test.
I've found it difficult pinning down actual characteristics, but I do, for example, tend to take a lot of things literally which can be a characteristic.
If things don't make sense, or I think they're wrong, then my brain hurts. Like trying to thread a needle with unsteady hands.
The recent performance review thing is a prime example. It's taken most of my focus over the past year, ensuring I'm ticking the right boxes to get a good score. My bosses say that our goals are SMART. If our goals are SMART then I have to score well, because I've ticked the boxes and other haven't. If I score well, then I get a good pay rise and a better bonus.
But my boss didn't score me based on SMART goals. He picked favourites and used gut feelings and that hurts my brain on top of making me frustrated and angry.
I don't know what a diagnosis would accomplish - it's not that I've been held back by who I am, if there is anything to diagnose, but it might explain a few things.
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