Soaking.

With the various aches and pains I was experiencing yesterday, I did something I've not done in ages... well over a year. I had a bath. I love the idea of soaking in a hot bath, with a book, and just chilling for a bit. The reality is always that, five minutes into a bath, I get restless and bored. I've always been fidgety in general, so this isn't specific to taking a bath. The last time I recall actually soaking in a bath for any length of time was with company... FA2 to be precise.

That was the case last night. I got a few pages into my book and got bored. After another few minutes, I gave myself a quick scrub and stepped out of the bath. Even those ten minutes worked wonders. I felt much better for the rest of the evening.

Rewind

Off the back of last night's dream about K, I dug out my old archive of MSN chats from back in the day to see if the timings matched my memory - they do, for the record. Sadly, I only started logging them in April 2004, long after I got physical with K and her subsequent bonkers actions (befriending F, inviting herself when a mutual friend came to visit, insisting that I am afraid of commitment etc.) It would have been interesting to read the conversations around all that (plus those I had with F when she was trying to get me to admit to shagging K).

However, it is intriguing that K and I were still chatting reasonably regularly on MSN, despite all that had gone on. Admittedly, most of it was around the online hobby that we had in common or solving technical issues with her PC, but still more than I had remembered. In my head, it had started to dwindle after K and I had sex and she started, rather aggressively, to talk about relationships late in 2003, early 2004.

It's been some fun, re-reading the logs... it's also a reminder how intense K was.

There was also a snippet of chat where K logged on one night, pissed, and demanded to know why I hadn't spoken to her in weeks... despite the fact she hadn't logged on in weeks (and we only communicated via MSN). I shared that conversation quickly with F who was also online at the time and we had a good old giggle.

And an admission from F that K "wanted to nail me" the weekend that F and I met for the first time. Again, how this seeming quest for casual sex ties into her demands for a relationship makes the mind boggle.

There are also conversations with F who was very insistent that I made moves on E, when she still lived in the UK, despite my protestations that my feelings were extremely ambiguous. 

Dreams

I kinda fell off the calorie counting wagon yesterday. Well, I did count the calories, but I wasn't paying attention to them because of alcohol. At 200 calories per can (fuck you, alcohol), I ended up roughly 1000 calories over my target. As such, I had a poor night of sleep and a dream that involved K. It was a half memory, of a trip we did back in... I'm going to say early 2004. This was after I'd had sex with K and she'd gone really weird. In real life, she was still very much interested in me, and while I would have bedded her again, I still had no interest in pursuing anything romantic.

In the dream, we did end up having sex that particular weekend... lots of it.

As such, this morning, in combination with last night's drunkenness and this morning's craving for The Cure, I have been extremely frustrated. I also feel that I've just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. I have aches and pains everywhere.

Sexing it up.

Apparently the story goes that the HR department asked the attractive 26-year old if she would star in their recruitment video. She turned them down but was happy to help out in other ways, in a less prominent role. So they went ahead and made the film with her working alongside your modern I.T. bloke. 

"Don't worry... the emphasis will be on him," they promised.

So, Sexy Co-worker appeared an awful lot in what was ostensibly a "diary" of his normal day. I don't know if she picked her own wardrobe, but I've never seen her running around the office in a tight jumper and short skirt before. Well, maybe the jumper.

Lo and behold, when surfing Facebook last week, someone had shared a recruitment post for our company. Something to do with finance. Whose face was front and centre for this job advertisement? Yup, Sexy Co-worker. She's a software developer, nothing to do with Finance. But then later... the same face, different job. And again today for an HR position.

It's nothing new. Our place has used attractive (female) employees before for posters. There's one out there with KfW2 and SBF. But I've never seen it done to this extent, where one person has been "pushed" so much. And while I often mention (and appreciate) how attractive I think women like KfW2, JB, SSCW, CH, Pretty blonde or Quiet Girl, or one of GM's exes are, they're not an indicator of the workforce, which is pretty much as you might expect from an I.T. company.

“Someone has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, fly boy.”

Just about sneaking in on Star Wars day (May the Fourth, if you're unaware of that particular pun), I found this picture of Aisling Bea. Funny, intelligent, attractive women dressed as Princess Leia? You betcha!

When TV mirrors real life.

I was watching an episode of NCIS while eating my dinner and one of the characters mentioned "sociophobia" (or it might have been "social phobia") and described it as "a fear of being judged or analysed publicly".

This struck a nerve. I believe that I've recently admitted to something similar in a recent post about my health/weight. I knew it existed, but I'd never really given it any thought that it might actually be something.

I paused the programme and went off to the internet where I found this. I've quoted a bit of the page below.

Symptoms of social anxiety
Social anxiety is more than shyness. It's a fear that does not go away and affects everyday activities, self confidence, relationships and work or school life.

Many people occasionally worry about social situations, but someone with social anxiety feels overly worried before, during and after them.

You may have social anxiety if you:

• worry about everyday activities, such as meeting strangers, starting conversations, speaking on the phone, working or shopping
• avoid or worry a lot about social activities, such as group conversations, eating with company and parties
• always worry about doing something you think is embarrassing, such as blushing, sweating or appearing incompetent
• find it difficult to do things when others are watching – you may feel like you're being watched and judged all the time
• fear being criticised, avoid eye contact or have low self-esteem
• often have symptoms like feeling sick, sweating, trembling or a pounding heartbeat (palpitations)
• have panic attacks, where you have an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, usually only for a few minutes

Many people with social anxiety also have other mental health issues, such as depression, generalised anxiety disorder or panic disorder.

The bits in bold above are things that have bothered me for some time. I believe the whole self-conscious thing ties into this like, for example, my reluctance to get into fancy dress, or my discomfort when I wear a suit (despite extremely positive comments from the likes of AM, QC1, KfW2 and CH amongst others).

I don't tend to have panic attacks (see the sentence in italics), but I did last year in the lead up to some job interviews, which is tied back into some of the things in bold.

Something to ponder, I think.

Status Update: Week One.

My first proper weigh-in is now done and the magic number is 226.4 lbs. In isolation, the number is slightly disappointing bearing in mind that I lost 2 lbs between my impromptu weighing and my first Monday morning weigh-in, only a few days apart. The bigger picture is more encouraging - I've lost just over 4 lbs in ten days, primarily through calorie counting.

Once I add some exercise to the mix, I hope to be able to continue to lose weight at roughly 2 lbs per week.

I'll get back to walking at lunchtime this week. If I can fix the gears on my bike, I can get out for the odd cycle and I still have the yoga to get back into to aid general flexibility and open up some more strenuous exercise.

I'm still adapting to calorie counting though it's not been as difficult or as intrusive as I had assumed. It's looking good so far.

Wistful thinking.

The recent picture of CH prompted a bit of nostalgia last night. It may or may not have been alcohol-fuelled. It was tinged with a great sense of disappointment though, of what might have been. After all, this was a woman who confided in me when she was pregnant, long before she gave everyone else the good news. This was a woman who sent some gushing messages (albeit drunk) about how fabulous I was as a friend, who turned to me for help and advice when she was looking for a new job and who claimed to be actively looking for someone for me to meet. She even told me that she was considering giving her then-unborn child my name if it was a boy. I believe she was eventually talked out of it by OK and MFF.

Ignoring the will-they-won't-they goings on, CH was someone I could have been close friends with and it saddens me to this day, even with the many, many times she disappointed me, that it ended the way it did.

Well, hello!

CH popped up in my Facebook feed earlier... a new profile pic and, despite the fact I don't think she's particularly photogenic (looks much better in person, in my opinion), it was a really nice photo of her.

So I left a comment... a compliment in my own style.

KfW2 even mentioned it to me in a text message, being very complimentary about the photo.

We've only swapped a comment, nothing more. I was expecting maybe a few more comments or, if I was lucky, a couple of DMs, but nothing more to come of it. It is CH after all. She of many promises and little action. Oh what I'd give for some action.

Boredom

Since the lock down and becoming bored, I've been day dreaming more than usual. Well, I dunno if you call it day dreaming, but thinking about things like winning the lottery, or buying a bigger, fancier house or a dream holiday.

But more than just thinking... browsing nice houses on the internet, looking at fancy hotels in places I want to visit, investigating expensive consumer electronics and all that kind of stuff.

A boy can dream, yes?

Jackpot!

Since the pandemic lock down, I've been living off the contents of my cupboards and fridge/freezer coupled with runs to my local Tesco and Co-Op stores for basic essentials. I usually order my shopping online from Tesco, but for the past eight weeks I've not been able to get anywhere near a delivery slot.

Today, I logged on to add things to my ever-growing shopping list (I maintain it just in case I get lucky) and lo and behold, half of the weekend's delivery slots are now free!

Suffice to say that I quickly got a basic order in and have spent all morning fleshing it out - hunting the house to find the things I really need, especially the bigger, bulkier or heavier items (e.g. cans of food etc.)

I won't know what's hit me on Sunday with a freezer, fridge AND cupboards full for the first time in months.