In the corner of my mind.

Facebook told me that it was 20 years from a day FA2 and I had one of our rare fights. Well, not today, but tomorrow. FA2 had been called into work (IIRC it was a Saturday) to do some socialising (her boss was entertaining some people).

She was going to have to act as a taxi driver for most of the day. I was unhappy as we had plans... but she claimed she had to do it. She would, she promised, be back early evening for the party we had promised to attend.

At 11 PM, with no sign of FA2, I took myself off to bed. At was after 1 AM when FA2 arrived in - I hadn't managed to fall asleep, mostly due to being angry at FA2. She undressed and slid into bed beside me. I felt her kiss my shoulder as she snuggled up but I pretended to be asleep.

The next morning, I woke first. What I usually would have done is initiate sex with FA2 but, still angry from the night before, I had a point to make.

I went downstairs and made a coffee. It was quite late when FA2 finally showed her face. By her face, she knew she had done wrong, but she wasn't forthcoming with an apology. It wasn't just my face or my body language. The fact we weren't in bed enjoying each other physically was also very telling.

She eventually apologised and, when she jumped on me in the middle of the afternoon and I reciprocated, she knew she'd been forgiven.

Aargh.

The end of the dream involved me being on a space station. I was lying in a hospital bed and couldn't move. I was some kind of VIP but don't know what exactly. I could hear screams and shouts from outside the room and through the windows in the space station, I could see aliens (James Cameron type aliens) swarm, killing people. Eventually it all went quiet... and then the scratching came at my door. It was booby-trapped. If they found a way in, the place would explode and they would all get sucked out into space, along with me.

I resigned myself to my fate and was comfortable with it. They breached the door and the explosives went off as planned. As the air got sucked out of the room, I didn't want to die. I held my breath, hoping for a miracle that had 20 seconds to arrive with my last lungful of oxygen. And I woke up.

Weird.

Step on.

I've yet to figure out the fitness tracker that I bought myself for Christmas, but the step counter on it appears to be "smart" i.e. it seems to adjust my daily goals. The numbers appear to be between 8000 and 8300 on a daily basis, going slightly up or down based on my previous day's performance.

And during the week, when I wear the tracker full time, I tend to hit the targets (or be close) and the odd say will see me get over by a good margin - an extra 20% or so.

Today though, I've already clocked 14000 (the target was 8600) and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I've not done anything different today.

Ah well. You gotta take the small victories.

Princess CC

"Is GM still single or is he back with SG?" asked CC earlier.

Had I not known about her recent hookup with a new interest, I'd have sworn she was thinking about making a move on GM again*

I explained that GM was still single and SG was very much off the scene having shown herself to be full on crazy.

"He does pick the crazy ones" she declared.

I explained that, in my opinion, he'd actually done quite well avoiding the psychos.

"What about *redacted*?" *Redacted* was a stunningly attractive lovely blonde girl who works in our place in the training department.

"She wasn't crazy. She was... " I struggled for the words. "Oh! High maintenance. She was high maintenance."

And that led us on to a conversation where CC admitted that her friends thought she was high maintenance. Which she is.

*Well, not make a move per se, more express an interest.

Over-analysis?

Another barely remembered dream last night. I can't even remember any real details, only a vague feeling that it was about a breakdown in my relationship with my sister.

I think my relationship with my sister has changed reasonably recently - from her perspective that is, not mine. Until the start of last year, we (my parents and I) would be invited up to her's for Sunday dinner almost every week. Just after Xmas 2017 though, the invites stopped coming as regularly... and when they did they'd often be after 4 PM rather than early afternoon, meaning I'd already started my own meal preparation and would decline.

From conversations with both my sister and family, it appears that this only applies to me - my parents' invites are still as regular as they ever were.

I can't say why this has happened. When we do see each other, there's nothing really to suggest anything has changed, but the invites are more infrequent and I do have this gut feeling that I'm missing something.

There was something that happened early last year that disappointed me - a traumatic event in my life that affected us all, but neither my Dad nor my sister ever enquired about how I was doing, either at the time or subsequently. That's always bothered me a little, I think.

I've been off-kilter all weekend for various reasons, so the aftermath of the dream has only added to my general funk - a combination of loneliness, disappointment, sadness and other emotions.

Random waffle.

Years ago, USHW and I had a conversation about celebrity crushes from our youth. If I recall correctly, my list was much more extensive than hers.

Regular readers will know that I've posted current celebrity crushes from time to time. I came across an animated version of the below image today (alas, I can't post it because it's a strange file format), which is Kate Beckinsale, in a movie called Whiteout from 10 years ago.

Kate's looking good here in a bob haircut (I'm a big fan of these haircuts).

Oh la la

An other trawl through the online dating apps... another set of swipes that will inevitably yield zero interest.

Over the past year or so there's been a girl who pops up every now and again - a very attractive brunette girl with a great smile.

And I've just seen her on Facebook - she's another local celebrity/media person. I've never heard of her, but then again I don't watch a lot of local media.

That's a fair few that I've seen, though Orlaith McAllister is still probably the best known, and this is another one who's a friend of ES.

Oh dear.

In the absence of any real life plans, I spent last night playing interactive games with some internet acquaintances. And after a few beers and a few gins, I ended up reasonably tipsy. After the gaming, I watched a few things - the end of Season 1 of The Orville and the first episode of GLOW where Alison Brie's character has sex with her friend's husband.Then I was texting KfW2 who was out with her friends and drunk herself.

I think the last few things above are what prompted the dream. I don't remember many details, but I do remember KfW2 seducing me whilst wearing some fancy, expensive lingerie while we were house hunting (for some inexplicable reason).

I have to say that I was EXTREMELY confused when I awoke this morning.

And I've been in a massive funk all morning, due to quite a few factors.

All about KfW2.

KfW2's been having a rough time of it recently. She's been incredibly tired looking after the younger ones in her family and hosting Christmas took it out of her. Her eldest son is also going through some issues right now that she's dealing with herself.

That's part of her problem. Her son should be old enough to do these things himself, but KfW2 needs to gt involved instead of maybe taking a back seat and offering advice. He can write the emails and make the phone calls himself.

She's got a night out tomorrow with some friends of hers from waaaay back. I think she needs a night out, and it's good timing even if she "can't really afford it right now".

We were due to have a night out around the middle of next month, but I overheard her tell CC that she would go on CC's girly day out to an expensive spa. I don't know if that's going to have an impact on our plans for a night seeing as KfW2's disposable income is practically non-existent these days.

Chatty man.

While at work today, I ended up having a somewhat lengthy conversation with Quiet Girl. She's moving house... to near me!

That's a joke, dear readers. Quiet Girl already lives near me - within 15 minutes walk, if not actually closer. But she's moving a little closer. Not that it means anything.

So, with this news, we had a chat about moving house, decorating, DIY etc.

Not the world's most exciting conversation, but interesting and a chance to get to know QG a little better.

Memories... uh oh.

I'm a big fan of Seth MacFarlane's work - Family Guy, Ted, American Dad! etc. It was with great interest that I started watching The Orville.

This is Halston Sage. She's a very attractive young actress. Wowzer.

This is her character in The Orville:

For some reason, her character's look really reminds me of K. It's the hairstyle and red lipstick and she's brunette, I think. K loved her red lipstick.

And away we go...

"You need to grow some balls" said KfW2.

Why the somewhat direct comment?

I'd said that I was unhappy in my current role.

It has gotten a lot worse recently. The two other guys in my team are getting very vocal in a bad attitude way. And they're wrong about what they're complaining about. My fuse is getting shorter and shorter.

Their negative attitude is getting out of hand but my boss isn't pulling them on this behaviour. And this is despite my boss criticising me in the middle of last year about my soft skills. So the vague claims of favouritism that I've been hinting at are still very much present.

KfW2 reckons I need to speak to a man who is, according to KfW2, writing a job spec with me in mind. I'm still not sure if I want the job (my gut says 'no'), but at this stage, I can't really afford not to go for it - it would be a promotion and a pay rise and a change of scenery - something I am not likely to get in my current position.

My anxiety means I'm unlikely to look externally (though I could easily get a 10% pay rise if I did so successfully), but I have been looking at internal moves though nothing has grabbed my attention over the past few months.

But I still feel that my time in my current role is rapidly drawing to a close.

Sometimes, while I love that KfW2 cares to give me the pep talks, I get angry because there's very much an "ex-smoker" attitude to her lectures. I've been unhappy for a couple of years (about three, I think). KfW2 was unhappy in her previous role for about eight years. She only went for the current role because CC talked her into it and, having failed the interview for another job, was presented an opportunity that she couldn't turn down. But to listen to her, you'd think she woke up one day, thought "I'm unhappy" and had the world's greatest job the next day.

As expected.

The Aloof Girl was not in the pub, though I wasn't really expecting her to be there. FP and I spent a good few hours chatting away, mostly nonsense, about all sorts of stuff and I arrived home more than a little tipsy.

I've done precious little today and have yet to change out of my pyjamas. Ooops.

Wait and see.

As I was thoroughly de-motivated in work today, I sent FP a text message.

"Drinks tomorrow?"

"Aye" he quickly replied.

And we'll meet in my favourite local. And I'll get to see if the aloof blonde girl is there, though ideally I should have done that last week.

And I can do some people watching. I love people watching.

Hic!

FP and I ended up meeting BR a few nights ago. BR was, to be honest, completely sozzled. He was staying on his own in town, instead of staying with family as he usually does, so when he had no-one to spend Sunday afternoon with, he spent it in the pub.

If I'd known, I'd have joined him. FP said the same.

Still, it was good seeing him, even if the conversation didn't flow as it usually does (but that was related to BR's inebriation rather than anything else).

There was an outside chance it would be repeated last night, though the phone call from BR never came. It was probably just as well... I've been exhausted since the start of the year - a combination of physical and mental tiredness but I can't figure out a cause.

More.

Off the back of this post, I got a lovely message from JB tonight after the recent anniversary that I mentioned.

The fact her dates were slightly wrong means nothing, the fact her message itself was lovely was nice, the fact she got in touch at all is the important bit.

Memories.

Facebook has reminded me that today is the 6th anniversary of the night I went to GB and GM's apartment to talk about the realisation/discovery that CB was a friend of MFF.

I still think about CB sometimes, but I rarely think about how or why nothing ever seemed to come of GB talking to MFF, even though it bothered me at the time.

Had I misread it? Had I made assumptions? Or had I not been clear in what I had hoped would happen?

If I remember correctly, GB did talk to MFF who said that CB was single and lovely, but I had hoped that  something more might have come from that - an opportunity to meet or something.

It never did, obviously.

I've always been reluctant to ask for help in meeting people and sitting with GM and GB was well out of my comfort zone which, I think, increased my disappointment in GB at the time and the general lack of, well, anything.

Like most people (I presume), I hate ambiguity, so the lack of a definitive outcome via GB was the worst possible ending as far as I was concerned.

Friends and stuff.

I'm due to meet with BR along with FP this weekend. There's an outside chance that it'll be tonight in my local, but it's more likely to be tomorrow.

I kinda hoped it would be tonight - my interest is piqued to see if the attractive, aloof blonde girl with the cute bob haircut would be there for the third Saturday in a row... and see if she's wearing her wedding ring again (assuming I was correct two weeks ago).

In other news, it was an anniversary of sorts a few days ago (though not in the good way). USHW sent a thoughtful message, KfW2 took me out for a drink to see if I was OK and to talk if I needed to and Ideas Girl sent a nice message on Facebook last night.

Hollywood endings.

After CC told me about her new love earlier in the week, I had a period pondering how weird it was to end up having sex with someone you've known that long (over 20 years), then I realised that, had things happened differently with E3, that I might have done the same without a thought.

The it hit me today that it's not that uncommon. Offhand, I can think of four real-life instances where something did or could have happened between two long-term friends:

• CC and her new man (roughly 20 years)
• KfW2 and her now husband (10 years)
• R2 and her now husband (though strictly speaking, this was an ex-boyfriend coming back, but other circumstances make it relevant to this list)
• E3 and me (friends since school)

I'm pretty sure I'm missing at least one more couple, as well.

Is this just me or is it more frequent, in general?

Good on ya!

CC couldn't wait to tell me about her recent developments.

"Has KfW2 told you how happy I am this week?"

She hadn't.

"No, but I'm presuming this has something to do with your dirty weekend away that you told me about last week?"

CC looked bemused.

"Well, you told me about the weekend away, I've assumed the 'dirty' part".

CC laughed.

"Yeah, it's safe to say we didn't see an awful lot of Rome" she laughed.

The conversation progressed. She's taking it slowly. She thinks it has legs, but it's long distance at the moment and they've tentatively planned to meet every month to see how it goes. And the shagging. CC wants the shagging.

FFS! (Blah blah blah)

I play some online games with other people from across the UK. Mostly, it's fun, but there are times where my anger gets the better of me. Perhaps surprisingly, this doesn't happen when I get beaten/shot or do something stupid. That's is all part of the game.

The stuff that gets me really angry is the same stuff that gets me angry in real life - communication. There are a few things that happen that really grind my gears:

• Unnecessary chat about non-game stuff
• Incessant talking without listening
• Not being clear with your communication
• Talking over the top of others

Communication in the game is important, so when people have general chats that go on too long, that makes me angry. I'm as guilty about this as myself, but usually I'm the only one who gets annoyed by it, so if I am joining in, no-one else is annoyed. I shouldn't do it though and mostly I am good at only speaking when I need to share game-related information.

There are a few guys who, like the first point above, feel the need to fill any silences with absolute nonsense. None of us are in our teens, so there's no need to try and act Jack the Lad. I've never been a big talker and people do chat more than me aren't necessarily scowled at, but some people do deserve it. Remember NSU? She was one of those types. There are a few guys who play the games who do play that I try to avoid for this exact reason.

Dickhead: "Blah blah blah"

Ruuude: "FFS keep quiet, there's someone here."

Dickhead: "Blah blah blah"

And perhaps the core point of this post is that the people who fall into the categories above are the ones who are the poorest communicators.

Dickhead: "I'm taking fire!"

Ruuude: "From where?"

Dickhead: "Over there!"

Ruuude: "Where the fuck is 'over there'"?

Dickhead: "Just there, where I'm facing"

Ruuude: "I'm in another building, for fuck sake, I can't see where you're facing. Either ping it or mark it on the map"

Dickhead: "Look, they're just over there."

Ruuude: "I've no idea where you mean. Distance?"

Dickhead: "Don't know"

Ruuude: "You fucking useless knob"

And that is not dissimilar to a conversation I had with a so-called team-mate earlier. And this wasn't the first. I've grown to actually hate his drawled at sharing information. He's also one of those people who is never wrong. Even when they're 100% in the wrong, there's always something that, in their head, make them right. (As an aside, KfW2 is like this.) So when I went into a neighbouring building and got shot by the people he was so poorly trying to point out to his team-mates, and I swore loudly at him...

Dickhead: "But I told you they were in there"

Ruuude: "No, you said there were people. And they were shooting at you. At no point did you explain in any kind of detail where they might be."

And the last point, while not as anger-inducing as the previous one, is also something that bothers me in real life. Is there something really so important that you have to say that you can't even let me finish my sentence? In gaming terms, there sometimes might be, and that's fine. But to pipe up when I'm sharing tactical information with my team to ask if someone needs a spare gun or health packs is anger-inducing. I've walked out of meetings in real life because this happened and I was so angry I had to get out before I did something unprofessional.

Plans

So, KfW2 and I have a tentative date for our next night out, though it's not going to be until the middle of February. And, actually, that's all we have right now. "The middle of February"

My guess is that 16th - a Saturday - but that could coincide with KfW2 doing something for St. Valentine's Day (though she doesn't "celebrate" it, but won't leave her hubby). It might also coincide with GM's birthday though, like S, he doesn't seem to actually celebrate it that much.

Oh la la

Sometimes my non-platonic feelings for KfW2 raise their head. Mostly when I am feeling lonely, for example. But those non-platonic feelings are very much a "girlfriend" crush rather than anything else - a desire for company, to share things with. There have been times when that's not the case: seeing her in a bikini for example, or a figure-hugging dress when she dressed up on a night out. But those times, you can count on the fingers of one hand throughout our friendship - nine or so years.

Today, though, was one of those moments. When she took off her coat at work, she was wearing a pretty top that made her look very busty... but in addition, she was also wearing a pair of black jeans and... a pair of black, over-the-knee, suede boots.

I'm a massive fan of over-the-knee boots and KfW2 was wearing these brilliantly.

Sigh.

Looking forward

With the night out with G now done and a re-scheduled (from Christmas) dinner early next week with CC to do (and even though I've already been back at work for a few days), I can draw a line under Christmas 2018 and look forward into 2019 - start making plans, goals etc.

Chat.

FP was working and M was ill, so that left myself and G.

We ended up in my favourite local. As is the case with G, the pace of drinking is high. The conversation flowed. And by the time we left the bar, we had covered many topics.

Additionally, we were also people watching. A tall guy was chatting to an attractive blonde girl. I suggested to G that it was a date... possibly a first date. That turned out to be the case as I overheard him talking to some girls who were sitting behind me. I turned to see who he was talking to, and one of the girls in question was the blonde girl mentioned in this post. There was no wedding ring this week...

Elementary

Courtesy of ES's Facebook feed, it wasn't a date last night, but a catch up with a friend. A very attractive model/actress redhead (who's not Attractive Neighbour).

Things that make you go "Hmmm"

"Let's meet for a drink or a coffee" I suggest.

"I don't drink alcohol any more" says E's sister.

A few weeks later...

"Recommend me a nice bar for a drink" asks E's sister.

*thinking emote*

I mean, it could be a date, given ES's recent Bumble adventures on Facebook. But still...

Cheers!

G's home for the weekend, and within 30 minutes of a test message telling me this, we'd tentatively arranged to hit the town tomorrow night. FP is out of town, so he won't be joining us, though there is a chance that M will come out.

Hopefully we'll hit a decent pub in town rather than the one closest to M's house (which is what happened last time).

Sigh.

In private conversations, when describing my sex life with FA2, I've said it was plentiful, if uninspiring. Not that conversations about my sex life with ex-girlfriends are a common thing.

And it was, the sex I mean. At weekends, we could barely keep our hands off each other. She would initiate sex as often as I did. But during the week was a different matter.

It was rare that she would do something to surprise me. In fact, when I tried to talk to her about her sexual desires, she wasn't too expressive.

The one time I can remember, when she did surprise me, was the subject of a dream last night. I was putting some of her stuff into the garage for her. I'd spent an hour or so, shifting stuff about, making better use of the space in the garage before carrying out several boxes for storage.

FA2 brought out a cold beer, looking sexy in a light summer dress (she was very much a jeans girl, "casual" dresses were a rarity), and set it beside me. I cracked it open and practically drank it in one go. It was a stupidly hot day, and the beer was refreshing.

"I needed that"

I kissed her, to thank her for the beer. She immediately kissed me back passionately. It got more and more steamy until FA2 asked me to take her there and then. And I did, in a lusty, sweaty, vocal coupling, very unlike our normal sex, over the workbench at the back of her garage on a stiflingly hot summer's day.

And that was pretty much the dream last night. Less a dream per se and more a sleeping memory.

Guess who woke up extremely frustrated this morning?

Yup, this guy.

Fond memories though.

Back again.

The first day back at work after nearly two weeks off and it was depressing. It never used to bother me that much, but the past few years have worn me down after actually enjoying my work for many years.

Still, Quiet Girl was in the office, which was still half-empty due to the ongoing holidays of lots of people, and we chatted on and off throughout the day.

I enjoyed the chat and, as USHW repeatedly tells me, I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

Weirdness.

CC has just admitted to me that she's off to meet her new man for a dirty weekend in a few days time.

"A new man, CC? You've kept that quiet!"

"It's all very sudden" she said. "I've known him for years though"

"Hardly sudden then," I teased.

"Well, yes" she agreed "but it's a sudden change to go from being mates to being naked mates!"

I was going to ask if she didn't think it was weird. I think it would be weird for me, then I remembered E3. I don't recall it being weird for me, but then beyond a couple of kisses and half a thought about bedding her, nothing came of it.

Maybe it would actually take something to happen or to be going to happen for anything to be weird - actually getting E3 back to my place, for example. KfW2 has already suggested that CC has bedded her man, so maybe she doesn't think it's weird.

Happy New Year

OK, so USHW talked me into a few extra posts to break the all-time record for a year. I think I did all right.

Interestingly, after posting about Sports Girl and her inconsistent story about her bust, she left a comment on my public New Year message on Facebook - her first contact since she split with GM.

I didn't go to bed until late - nearly 3 AM - and slightly tipsy as I drank all of my beers. Now I'm craving a bacon sandwich and I have no bread in the house.

So, dear readers, Happy New Year to you all. May your 2019 be filled with happiness.