Grrr... (Part 4)

Off this post, my manager and I had another meeting. He never mentioned my time keeping (I have a sneaking suspicion that my local manager might have said something), but we did get onto the issues he keeps seeing. They aren't issues per se. It seems that he and I have a differing opinion about how I go about things. I don't think I'm making bad judgement calls, just that they're different to his, and often without as much information that he has access to.

When we had the meeting on Wednesday, I'd had two "issues" against my name. One of them, you could chalk down to, well, I don't want to say carelessness, but it was avoidable. The other was due to having incorrect/incomplete information. There was an undercurrent from him that I can't afford to have too many more. However, potentially one cropped up yesterday. It was pretty inevitable - it was a large project, big enough for two people, though my partner was removed to satisfy a HIGHER UP's request and timelines weren't adjusted, so rushing to get 11 weeks of work done in 7 weeks meant that it was likely that something was going to give.

It's annoying because I can't remember the last time, before he took over, that I had one, if ever. It's been a bad six months, but mainly for reasons that he is control of and all stems from one or two decisions made around Christmas.

In isolation, without context, having three issues in six months is pretty poor. But with context - mopping up other people's errors, doing eleven weeks worth of work in less than seven weeks, having focus taken away from my priorities by my manager, who expects me to do something else because of the HIGHER UPS etc. then I think I've done OK this year so far.

I'm trying to be realistic. I've said OK - I'm not claiming that I've done brilliantly. I've felt that I've been fire-fighting this year - reacting to changes and demands rather than being able to sit down and just do my job - and that's been hugely stressful. 

KfW2 asked me to go to hers on Friday night for dinner. It's an invite she's made once or twice before. I've always suspected that she had ulterior motives for doing so, and this time was no exception. I think she maybe had seen how stressed I am and wanted to talk.

We had a quick drink after work and headed to hers. There was nothing special, no ulterior motive, nothing out of the ordinary happened, but it was one of the best nights I've had in months because for the four or five hours I was at KfW2's house, I switched off. I didn't think about work or the stressful projects or manager... and it was brilliant.

When she called yesterday, I told her as much and explained the reasons why.

It only dawned on me on Saturday morning that I had switched off, and that made me a little sad. Partly because I can't turn it off ordinarily - I know I'm good at my job, the mistakes/issues do annoy me, though I still think my manager is over-reacting. It's also partly because I come home to an empty house and the stress doesn't go away... and that's a loneliness issues cropping up again.

A lot of this stuff I should be bringing up with my boss, but after many emails that seem to be over-reacting, I simply feel that I can't talk to him, nor do I think he will listen.

I will try and get some time with one of the local managers as soon as possible this coming week, to talk to them for some advice. I feel like I've been on edge since January, getting worse since the first 'rant' in March and, as to paraphrase the comic book/film character Blade, like I've been ice-skating uphill.