*deep breath*

I think there's an issue in my life where an awful lot of things are building up at around the same time and some of them are interlinked, making them (seem) worse than perhaps they are...

I've always had the opinion that in most of my friendships, I perhaps devote more time than others. Mostly because my friendships are very important to me, but partly because, for the most part, I've lead a single existence and therefore have more free time.

I also seem to be the most socially minded (possibly because of the single existence thing above), so nights out, especially with groups of people, are usually my idea.

So when my friendships don't manage to "pay back" in the incredibly infrequent time I ask for favours etc. then I start to get a little down. For example: trying to get GM out for a chat (though I might be a little harsh here and I haven't specifically said that I want a chat) or the GB/CB thing from the start of the year.

Which obviously takes me on to the CB thing and the desire to meet someone. I don't know if the desire is specifically to meet someone, a girlfriend, or if it's just a general malaise brought on by the friends thing above. I suspect a combination of both, but probably trending towards the latter - I do think I would like to meet someone. Part of me thinks the CB thing is not dead in the water yet and I've no other "options" on the horizon. I found an MSN conversation on my laptop a few days ago from the time when I was leading up to meeting Date No. 1 for the first time that brought back a few pangs (she was really quite cute and easy to talk to).

This is all in the run up to KfW2's wedding. While I have an unofficial date in CC, there are specific times were being single is a real drag - Christmas/New Year and weddings are the two that spring to mind. Plus, I'm looking beyond the wedding - KfW2 would like to have kids with her new hubby and I don't see them hanging around, so the nights out that I currently have with KfW2 are going to disappear very quickly, I think.

Wrap all that up into one little ball over the past six months and you can see how that's going to hit me. I'm not saying I'm depressed, but it hasn't put me in the greatest of moods.

And that's only one aspect. There is also the work thing, which should be coming to a head within the next two weeks, but the longer it takes, the less confidence I will have in the proper outcome. In addition, I've just completed a large project which has taken the edge of some of the stress and concern, but I am still busy at work. I like being busy, but I don't like the feeling that matters outside of my control are having a direct, daily influence on me.

Given KfW2 and CH's recent comments, both of the above two main factors have had a real impact on my mood over the past few months, probably much more than I actually realised.

There are two other issues, not as major, but still playing on my mind. I have body issues - nothing to do with fitness or weight loss, but something that's played on my mind more and more over the past six months or so. It's been an issue for probably a dozen or so years, but I think it's getting worse. It's not life threatening, just cosmetic, but I think it's having an effect on my confidence when trying to meet women (or more accurately, when it looks like I might actually get a cute girl into bed).

The latter, which I think stems from my childhood, is that most of my friends are younger than I am - possibly 80% of them are significantly younger. GM is just over thirty, CH is early thirties, S is early thirties, KfW2 is mid-thirties. I think this stems from when our family had a summer holiday home. During the summer season, we'd pack up at every opportunity and spend every bit of free time at the holiday home. I had two sets of friends from the time I was eight until I was seventeen. The people I knew at the holiday home were much younger than I was. I think this set a precedent, because since then, I've always managed to meet/click with people younger than myself.

If you couple that with a couple of disastrous (read: lazy) years in school when I didn't manage to get myself to university until I was in my mid-twenties, in my more down moments, I sometimes consider that my life is about five years behind what it possibly should be across all aspects of my life - personal, professional etc.

The thought of being a forty-plus year old, single man, living in rented accommodation and relying on people almost ten years his junior for a social life is not filling me with positive emotions.

Most of the above things have been a concern in isolation at one point or another over the course of my adult life. It's just that, for one reason or another, they all seem to be cropping up now. It could well be that having a more active social life means that being single is less important. Or that dating someone means that relying on FP or GM, for example, is much less important. Perhaps if the work thing gets resolved to my satisfaction, then everything else will just sort itself (as I believe the work thing is arguably the biggest influence on me at this moment in time).

I think it will all pass or get sorted in time... it would be nice if I could actually go out and do something about it though.