Throwing in the towel.

I was all for giving up on ever getting an introduction to CB - the trouble getting GB to ask MFF for information in the first place, MFF seemingly not hearing from anyone on the other side of this trail of Chinese whispers and the fact it's now been two months since the whole thing kicked off have all taken a toll on my optimism.

And if I am being honest, I was optimistic... why not? CB is single, I assume she's interested in meeting new people, we have a mutual friend in MFF who is able (and supposedly willing as of a month ago) to supply information both ways and my female friends (USHW, GB, A, QC2 and CH amongst others) all gave me the go ahead about making the approach through GB mentioning the Facebook thing, assuring me it was an OK way of doing it (I did have my concerns about that) and that it wouldn't appear creepy.

What I had prepared myself for was either an introduction (not a blind date per se, but an engineered meeting in a group in public) or a refusal/reluctance to meet, and that would have suited me fine - a definitive answer either way. The one thing I didn't want is nothing - to be as clueless now as I was eight weeks ago. MFF hasn't reported back to GB, GB seems reluctant to talk about it now and was never pro-active and I have no idea what has gone on. If I saw CB in the pub again, could I approach her? Has word from MFF gotten to CB through her sister? If so, then approaching her looks like I can't take "no" for an answer. If it hasn't, then it's an option still open to me.

I am reluctant to push it any further with GB and never had any dealings directly with MFF. In my mind, it was an outside bet taking advantage of a rather fortunate coincidence with regards a girl I've spotted briefly in the pub a couple of times who I've never actually spoken to. While I don't think I'm the type to play games, there is an element of me who doesn't want to appear too keen (though I would like to meet CB).

Thanks to a quick chat with USHW last night on Facebook, I don't think I am ready to throw in the towel just yet though. I won't be chasing GB about it any more, mind you. If it comes up in conversation with her, I will ask. If not, I will say nothing. If I get a chance to have a chat informally with MFF (outside of work), then I might mention it to her instead, though chats with MFF in a social setting are few and far between.

Suspicion.

I thought I'd hit it lucky last night... S agreed to go out, but GM is away for the weekend. I'd dropped GB a text message asking if she fancied meeting up after she'd fulfilled her commitments with MFF and CH - the implication being that all three women would come out and meet us and I could talk to MFF about CB and finally put this all to rest. And getting a female perspective on it all is always helpful should there be cause for optimism.

However, by the time S and I arrived in the city, there was no word from GB so I text her again. They had finished their meal and were on their way home.

Sometimes I think that GB doesn't want me to meet CB given the amount of coaxing I've had to do to get her to talk to MFF and recent conversations over instant messaging in work. I know that she volunteered to get info originally, but since then I've done all the chasing and it has really frustrated me to be honest.

I've just gotten a text off FP, taking a raincheck on tonight. We planned it last week, but he started making excuses a few days ago. The text message today was inevitable. It's for the best because I'm feeling fragile after last night and could do with a quiet night.

Introspective.

It's either anger or stress due to work or a combination of both, but I've been emotionally drained over the past week. Usually, when this happens, I think about being romantically involved with someone. Friends are good, and I love mine dearly, but there is a support there that you get in times like this, I think, that can only come from someone who's that close to you.

Obviously, given the past two months, it's CB who pops into my head first, though that avenue seems to be closed. I talked to GB about it briefly today (it would be more accurate to say that I mentioned a desire to meet CB), but she seemed very reluctant to get into a conversation about CB. That was annoying as GB is out tonight with MFF and CH, so it would have been nice if GB could push this thing a bit more with support from CH. It annoyed me a bit, but I had already made the decision that I was going to do things directly through MFF if the chance arises (until I hear for definite one way or the other about getting an introduction).

As an aside, CH and I had a proper chat during the week and my relationship status was discussed. She mentioned that she wondered why I was single and my reply was that I don't often feel the need to be with someone and that it's rare for me to actually go out on the pull (as it were) and rarer still that I have a desire to settle down or meet someone.

So, still feeling a little sorry for myself, I've put the feelers out to S and GM about heading out tonight for a few drinks. We usually end up having a good laugh and at least getting some eye candy is a temporary respite.

I'm meant to be meeting DSC tomorrow for a catch up and then, tentatively, out with FP for a catch up and drinks. FP's being coy though and won't commit, despite it being his idea.

Bad news and good news.

The work thing is ongoing. While I appear to be the only one who's been singled out with regards to desk reshuffles, the new manager is still refusing to engage with team members on a more personal level. Today in a meeting, he ignored four direct requests to set up meetings with team members and talked around the requests. In an hour's worth of meeting, he managed to answer the grand total of zero questions, he put no-one's mind at rest and even suggested that we "throw away" a section of our performance management goals that could be at least 5% of our mark at year-end.

Our old manager is still around and he's watched as morale in the team has taken a huge nosedive in the past three weeks. I know it's not just me, but I still feel as if I have been picked on with this seat move. There is still a slight chance that the desk move could be reversed by the end of the month, but I think that was just to try and placate me (something that really hasn't worked). I don't know how much action our old manager can take right now(he still has some influence), but I know he has his nown concerns about the new guy. Hopefully he won't let things get too bad.

In other news, I had the meeting with the foxy HR girl today about my salary concerns and I have gotten a bit of a result. While I haven't gotten exactly what I wanted, I have managed to get 75% of what I'm looking for with a very slight chance that more could follow later in the year. I think I'm reasonably happy enough about that.

Grrrr.

The enforced seat move happened today and I am not happy. I seem to be sitting in a draught that I can't get comfortable in, I'm still pissed at the unnecessary move and to make matters worse, the general consensus from those around me seems to be that I have been moved because there is too much interaction going on with those around me... like splitting up two kids because they're not doing enough work at school.

Except, our work load is up to scratch as is the quality (in fact, it's extremely high) and the team is, IMO, a better place for having a bit of fun/banter/conversation (something that our old team leader agreed with and encouraged).

Sigh.

Socially speaking.

I got a text from G on Friday night when I was out for our monthly work social event. He was back home for a quick 36-hour trip and did I fancy some beers? Of course I did, but his timing was terrible. I had planned on a quiet Friday night, but that kinda went out the window after my disastrous meeting with my manager. I had hoped that MFF was out with the work thing so I could pick her brains about CB, but she was nowhere to be seen. So, I ended up getting pretty smashed with KfW2 and a few work guys.

On Saturday, I was meant to be meeting a guy from an online forum I'm a member of who was visiting my city with his girlfriend. We were due to have a few drinks and I was convinced that it would probably be quite drunken. He turned out to be a nice enough bloke and his girlfriend was nice and chatty too, but my initial thoughts about making it an all-night affair were scrapped when G announced his presence. I still managed to meet him for a few drinks before heading out to meet G.

I wasn't in great form to be fair. I had a pretty big hangover (pretty big for me, that is) and had a dicky tummy all day, so large quantities of booze were not a good idea. However, we had a great evening. M popped in for a bit and we had a chat as well. He reassured me that the plastic date from last week was indeed just that and that there was no subterfuge involved. As he left, we made tentative arrangements to meet soon for drinks (and that he's bringing along MM and MMBF). I mentioned the CB thing to G, but despite my posts last week where I admitted defeat, I said that it was still in play. I don't know why I said that, but ultimately it's unimportant as it's all out of my hands unless MFF can do something.

As G and I were leaving (we were calling it quits early), we managed to bump into E3 and two of her friends, one of whom I simply cannot stand. The other was cute and I'd never met her before. E3 apologised profusely about last year when she "threw herself" at me (her words, not mine). I told her that apologies weren't necessary. If I'd been in better form, I might have laid some groundwork or hinted at a fuck buddy agreement because I did think there was still a glimmer of interest on her part... I just don't know what her opinions are on casual sex... and, well, there's always the fallout.

So, with two big social nights under my belt this weekend, I feel as if I could do with a day off. I could certainly do with a good night's sleep.

Oops.

Sigh.

The managerial thing has taken a turn for the worse. I was called in for a chat with the new manager late last week and he informed me, quite bluntly, that I was to move desks. He cited his reasons for doing so and, while they're quite logical, I don't agree that they're necessary. There's also the fact that I am the only person moving desk (to make room for a new employee) and that I get along extremely well with everyone who sits beside me. I engage people on a personal level and get people interacting with each other. In my opinion, the team is a better team to work in for my presence.

I have to admit that even though it's only a 10 foot desk move, I took it badly. While I am obviously not happy about moving seats from somewhere that's "fun" (and beside people I genuinely consider as friends like KfW2) to somewhere on the edge of the team beside someone who's hard to talk to, I think part of it is my complete disagreement on how the new manager has behaved since joining our team and also, being the only person having to sacrifice something. That last bit is something that I think is related to a situation I found myself in years ago when a manager in another department essentially bullied/harassed me for months until I eventually reported her. I'm now extremely wary of things like this happening.

So, in my anger, I laid out some truths directly to my new manager. I pretty much told him that the team are concerned about his lack of people skills, that he doesn't appear to be a people manager, instead concentrating on learning our processes and systems rather than the people he's now meant to manage, that his first words to some team members were critical of their actions or generally upsetting the status quo without understanding it first. His words to me? He said that it was not ideal, but he had to learn that stuff. When I mentioned that I was feeling victimised by the move (probably not the right phrase, but the meaning is roughly the same), he was instantly dismissive.

I'm considering apologising to him on Monday, but not for what was said. I stand by all of that fully and it's really rather worrying that someone in charge of fifteen people doesn't have any people skills. However, in my anger, I fear that my tone was entirely inappropriate.

I'm also slightly concerned about why this is such a big deal to me. Is it just a build up of frustrations about CB, pay rises, the laziness of my house mates and general concerns about this new guy as a manager or is there something else involved?

Bleh.

While chatting with USHW, she mentioned that I'd been quiet recently and I admitted to being somewhat in a bit of a funk. USHW enquired if it was related to the whole CB thing. I guess that's part of it... possibly the main part of it, but there are other things going on at the moment too and it's all just kinda happened at once. She asked if I wanted to talk about it, but there's nothing that's inherently solvable per se... just a lot of stuff that needs time to sort itself out.

First of all, I have a discussion lined up in work about a pay rise, though the logic in my "argument" for the pay raise is sound, I'm not that confident of getting it, even though I'm only asking for the current market rate based on my own recent research. I'm expecting that to be sorted within ten days at most.

There's a managerial change in work that's not looking too promising so far - while the new guy has not done anything "managerial" so far, he's yet to engage with the team... and we're all raising concerns with each other about it. The managerial situation before was brilliant - lots of flexibility and trust and we were able to deliver high quality work, but be confident that he would look after us if things got political (which they did from time to time).

The CB stuff is annoying and disappointing in equal measures - as I've previously said, I wasn't expecting a positive outcome - it was an outside chance at best (though not improbable), but I had expected a definitive answer either way... and I hadn't expected a non-answer to take this long. I'd expected too much from GB in being pro-active from my point of view. I dunno... I just expected friends in general to be more excited about potentially getting two people together - that's not just GB, but CB's friends/sister(s) too.

The neck injury is also a factor - it's kept me from the gym just as I was starting to get into the rhythm and enjoy it, purely from a safety concern. Now that my GP has given me the all clear, I'll start back up at the weekend again, but it's yet another physical setback that I didn't want/need, especially with the 10k run being 6 weeks away.

At least two of things should be sorted by next week, the managerial thing will be ongoing, probably for a couple of months and I think the CB thing is pretty done and dusted from my perspective (though USHW thinks I should go direct to MFF and get an update from her directly). I dunno about that and will ponder it over the next day or so.

Time to look forward again.

I didn't get to meet up with MM and her stunning blonde friend, SBF (she's also an ex-colleague of mine), on Friday before GB's party. I did try, but the timing of it wasn't helpful. MM was meeting the blonde girl in a restaurant  around the same time as I was planning on going to GB's.

MM suggested I turn up later to GB's and go and join her and the blonde girl for a drink, but I was hoping that I could talk to MFF about CB. I was expecting MFF to turn up early and leave early (possibly with CH as she was doing the same and they live in the same direction). Bearing in mind that, while ordinarily, I would have gone to GB's an hour later to meet SBF, I really had the CB thing on my mind. Plus, I don't like tagging along and I felt I might have been imposing on MM and the blonde girl.

Plus, MM would have wanted to know about the plastic date that I'd been on the night before with her friend (I was doing a favour for MM) and I'd already been quizzed on it by KfW2, GB and CH, all independently the morning after. I didn't have a lot to say to them - it was a really spectacular non-event. The conversation flowed well enough (something that always concerns me when meeting strangers as I don't think my small talk skills are that good) and the three hours went quickly enough, but there was no attraction, no spark and no real desire to see her ever again, even socially.

I think the girls all thought I was hiding something, but there really was nothing newsworthy to report. I don't know if that means the night was disappointing given that everything turned out the way I expected (and wanted) it to, but I know that GB's declaration ealier this week that MFF had heard nothing from CB's sister and MFF's subsequent non-appearance at GB's was disappointing, so I am putting that down to a generally disappointing few days. I guess, unless something really happens out of the blue, that the CB thing is dead in the water as well as I simply don't have the energy to go back chasing GB for any further information (plus there's the creep factor to consider). So, while the date panned out as expected, it's the CB stuff that I'm really gutted about.

...

Perhaps inevitably, given how much I was counting on it, MFF didn't turn up to GB's party last night. I didn't get anything from GB about why, but I think I overheard someone say to CH that MFF's husband didn't get home from work until late, meaning that she was unable to attend.

I had hoped to have a chat with her about CB (and maybe by having a conversation directly with her, it might give her some impetus  in being more pro-active).

That's not to say that I didn't have a good time - I had a great time and it was really good fun, but today I've been feeling slightly deflated at not being able to move the CB thing along. Now I have to go back and start pestering GB again... I've no idea when I'm next going to be speaking to MFF in a social setting.

(Back to) Square One?

CB and MFF came up in conversation today with GB so I asked if there had been any movement with any enquiries. The last I'd heard (about four weeks ago) was that MFF was going to contact CB's sister to see what the best approach would be. Now that alone is vague in my opinion, especially given that I was initially only looking for information, but if MFF was going to take things further, I definitely wasn't going to argue. However, GB hadn't heard anything and contacted MFF who herself hadn't heard anything from CB's sister.

There's a certain amount of frustration there - I had fully expected that, by now, I'd have a definitive answer one way or another. Either she was interested in meeting or she wasn't. I wasn't expecting yet more limbo. I guess that maybe speaks for itself. I've gone from being cautiously optimistic to being pretty disappointed. USHW has suggested not ruling anything out just yet. GB's party is in 48 hours time and I'll get a chance to talk to MFF directly and see if there are any developments.

Ironically, if I'd not mentioned CB to GB and had decided to contact MFF directly, then GB's party is probably the first opportunity I would have had to do it face to face (and I much prefer doing these things that way than by email or instant messaging). Despite not knowing MFF that well, I would have had no qualms about going to her directly regarding CB, but GB seemed so excited and I had thought, at the time, that things might have moved quicker with GB asking the questions. That, in hindsight, was probably the wrong choice.