Meh

Late last week I sent out my presentation. It sounds quite formal, but it wasn't. It was just a collection of photos from my travels with a couple of extra bits and pieces to give it a bit of personality and to stop it from being too dry, as seeing someone else's holiday snaps tends to be. The initial email list was quite extensive and, thankfully, I didn't leave too many people off of it and I resolved my dilemma by sending it to V and one or two other people that are on the periphery of my social circle.

I'm kind of a bit lost now. I'm awaiting feedback from these people, definitely some comments and I'd imagine (from my female friends) a lot of questions. USHW got a sneak preview and was complimentary and I'd imagine she might have something to say when she gets a chance to sit down and have a proper look. The only people I know for certain that have looked at it otherwise are BW, FP and R. FP knows all the news there is to tell from my time away, but his comments (sarcastic comments) were appreciated nonetheless. BW is clueless as usual and R was appreciative without being too verbose, but that's R for you. At least she had the decency to reply with comments!

Maybe I'm being too impatient. There are hundreds of photos to get through, with associated comments and other stuff, which is time consuming. Yes, I think I'm being too impatient...

A minor quandry.

In a few days, the presentation I've been putting together regarding my recent travels will be complete and I'm hoping to publish it online. When I do so, I'm going to send out email links to a wide variety of people in the hope they'll be interested enough in me and my trip to want to look at what I've done and leave me messages, comments and questions.

I'm planning on extending the invites beyond my usual two circles of friends. So, on one hand, people like QC2 will get it as my more immediate circle of friends. Obviously, people like USHW will get one too, as my regular contacts, if not geographically immediate and I'm carefully considering a third group... those that I would like to be in contact more, but aren't. People like V are prime examples of people on this list. I'll make my decision soon.

Frequencies

While the slow, but steady email conversation with USHW is ongoing, in an attempt to see if we can't figure a few things out regarding my feelings towards E and E's feelings towards me, I've tried not to swamp E with too many emails since I've come back from holiday.

It's not that I've had anything really important to say to her (though USHW might disagree), but away from both personal contact and Skype, I've suddenly remembered little things that could/should have been mentioned in various conversations we've had recently. Still, in order to remedy any future frustrations, I've asked outright when she checks her personal mail. I remember being concerned back in the planning/booking stages of my holiday when I had asked for confirmation on various things and was waiting a few weeks for a reply.

I know she has the internet when she wants it and her own PC (so she's never reliant on anyone else to get online). It's just a matter of when she gets the time to sit down and check her mail for half an hour or so. But I wonder if she makes a point in trying to do so regularly, or only does it when she has time AND she remembers to do so. Not everyone's like me and spend hours per day in front of their PC (and that's a story unto itself).

Reasons to be cheerful? Part 2

QC2 hasn't yet replied to my last email, which is kinda disappointing, though I know she's busy. I thought I'd done enough to whet her appetite about my trip away and get her to ask a few questions in between our first contact and getting out for a drink. Ah well...

I also had a huge list of stuff I wanted to get done over the coming weeks and I've been taking some satisfaction in striking a task or two off my list each day, while I've been adding one or two per week.

Ideally, I'll be able to organise a trip to the pub this weekend. With whom, I don't yet know, but it would be nice to get out.

Dreams out of the blue.

I've made a few posts regarding my attitude towards FA2. At times, they've been fairly angry or frustrated, but at the end of the day I reckon I'm pretty ambivalent about her. Should she choose to try and build a friendship again, I'd probably be open to that, with some reservations. Should she never speak to me again, then I'm equally happy with that.

Last night, more than once, I found myself having quite erotic dreams about FA2 (I woke up a few times and went back to sleep and had further dreams about FA2). That came completely out of the blue because I haven't thought about FA2 in a sexual way for years. That's not to say it wasn't enjoyable, because it was, but there was a certain amount of frustration this morning.

It certainly prompted a little reminiscing about FA2 in a pair of silk pyjamas she used to own that made her very sexy indeed (and I enjoyed the feel of the silk, too).

Aaaaargh!

I am fucking fed up of downloading supposedly free software to help me put together a presentation, only to find out it's not free but rather a trial/demo version of a product that won't let me do what I want it to do BECAUSE IT'S ONLY A DEMO VERSION!

???

I was out with a female cousin of mine last night and we were talking about relationships and stuff (because part of my reason for being out was to help with her own relationship problems) and I mentioned the E thing because my cousin's problem (or part of it) relates to a guy she dated, still has feelings for but is kind of locked into a platonic relationship. It's not really platonic, of course. The guy still wants a shag and seems to be looking at my cousin as a fuck buddy, which she's having none of. The guy still seems to have feelings for my cousin and it could develop into a "proper" relationship, but only after he makes his mind up and/or faces whatever demons are holding him back from committing to a relationship.

However, I was trying to explain to my cousin exactly what my relationship was with E, but I don't have the words. USHW knows, but mainly because there have been blog posts and PMs/emails about it and she's watched it unfold. Trying to just explain it from scratch to someone is extremely difficult!

Reasons to be cheerful?

As part of my attempts to get rid of this foul mood, I contacted QC2 with a view to getting her out for a drink. She's busy at the moment, but we'll get out in a week or so. It's kinda disappointing because I could have done with seeing her this week (conversation plus secret perving of a gorgeous woman is a good tonic for my bad mood IMO), but next week or the week after will be good enough. She'll have lots of questions about my trip away and I might even get on to the E situation and be able to talk it through with her (on top of the excellent feedback I'm getting from USHW). I'll definitely get questioned on my dalliances (she doesn't know about them yet, but will ask if there were any) and that might be a good time to being E into the conversation (as well as admit to the cute Kiwi Girl from a few months ago).

I've also got tentative arrangements to meet with D and a few other guys for a night on the town in about two weeks, so socially, things aren't looking too shabby right now, with a trip out to the pub this weekend with a cousin to sort out her love life.

Meh

It's a chicken and egg scenario, I realised earlier when I was talking to SSCW. She was quizzing me on my decision to return home rather than stay on foreign soil and just enjoy life. SSCW doesn't know about my current confusion regarding E, only that I was on holiday and part of that was visiting some friends, E included. SSCW did query any romantic involvement with E, but I was able to answer quite truthfully that nothing like that had happened.

During the questioning, I did say something along the lines of "Well, you can't beat returning home after an extended time away in a foreign country with friends to focus the mind on your life" and I guess that's kinda true as I'm not in the best place right now.

Is it because I was unhappy before I went away and subsequently realised this on my return or am I currently unhappy because of the possibilities that have arisen because of my trip? I personally think it's the latter. My romantic status has been playing on my mind since I returned, partly because of my recent run of form (which went beyond the two girls I slept with) and partly because of the E situation. Professionally, I like my job. I still like my job, but being able to see the possibilities of a different (and, importantly, better) lifestyle has made me very disillusioned about life at home. But, as I've touched on in another post, I think, to do anything right now is a knee-jerk reaction. I have to be patient and give myself a few weeks to re-adjust to "normal" life. If this is all still bothering me in a few weeks or months, then it'll be time to start make choices.

It becomes clear

I've often wondered why people are so desperate to leave my home town. I know loads of people who have done it, some for purely professional reasons, but some people have this dislike of this place. E is one of them and until recently, I never really understood that. Part of it is the OMG stuff. Her family are tied into the OMG stuff and E has been very driven at getting herself into situations where she can leave and put distance between her and her family. Weirdly though, she's almost always in contact with them and is religiously in contact with one or both of her parents (they're divorced) each weekend by phone. Personally, I think some time "apart" might do them both good. I'm digressing though. This weekend, after returning from my trip, I think I finally understood why some of my friends wanted to leave (or are reluctant to return).

Had I the means to go travelling again right away and no commitments and most of my debts cleared, I'd already be gone. That, of course, is an emotional reaction, but there's been stuff happening around here, in the local news that just depresses me (and I'm bad enough as it is without other stuff piling up).

More about E

USHW has been feeding me her thoughts and some advice on the E situation. Has it been helpful? Partly, I think. And I should add the caveat of "so far" and that, by the time we're finished, it will help a great deal. The simple act of talking or sharing in this case, is helping my own thought processes. USHW's feedback is good from a female third party perspective though the advice is fairly obvious and she's fully aware of the circumstances under which I'll actually act on it. But a female point of view is always a good thing when talking about other females, a piece of advice I repeatedly give RA during his own female-related woes (of which there are many).

This will be a fairly long process. USHW's first email was quite long and I've since added my own thoughts and further information to it and sent it back for her perusal and USHW has already said she has much more to say on the matter. I anticipate this will probably be ongoing until the end of the week at the very least, but that's not a big issue. I'm in no hurry and there's no urgency and ultimately, it will help sort out my own mind, if not help figuring out E. Hopefully, I will be in contact with E fairly regularly (I've already sent her a few emails) and I won't be seeing her in person until the start of the summer when she's home for a week or so, so there is time.

A few months ago, I got this Facebook invite from someone whose name I didn't recognise, so it got binned. However, during my recent trip, I realised that it was actually from a friend of E's who I was introduced to about two years ago. I've subsequently requested friendship, but it's yet to be accepted (though I'm under no doubts that it will eventually). I've no idea if this will prove to be useful in terms of figuring out E's mindset, but you never know.