Ups and downs.

I've been feeling really off for the past few days. I can't put my finger on it. It's a combination of a few things - there's a lack of sleep (though for no real reason that I can put my finger on). I've been queasy for the past 48 hours, too. Emotionally, I've been up and down.

The emotional thing is, I think, partly influenced by KfW2's job hunting. Oh, and the fact that a lot of people are leaving my current company including MFF and the attractive HR girl. Loads of people who originally joined around the same time as me i.e. people with similar backgrounds and histories.

While I've not sat on my arse doing nothing (I'm currently in the middle of my second re-training in three years and I've moved teams/departments), I do kinda feel like I'm being left behind. I can't figure out if this is a personal or professional thing. Professionally, I don't want to do what KfW2's done and go into management. That's not me. Personally, I think those Tinder statistics have hit me a little harder than expected.

Should I apply for jobs in another company? I'd get a great pay rise, though strictly speaking, I don't need the money. I am comfortable. Nerdy Girl asked me to apply for her place, though I really need to address the anxiety issues before I even think about any of this stuff.

Sigh. I need something nice to happen.

Rambling.

I'm just off another confusing phone call from KfW2. It looks like she's going to take the job. This is at odds with her comments of a few days ago where she calculated childcare costs and figured that there's no way the new company would pay her enough to cover the childcare costs. So she'd actually lose money even with a massive pay rise.

She hasn't admitted how much she earns but suggested that the pay rise is slightly over 15%, plus she will lose her current flexibility (which is where the childcare will come into it).

She was ranting about the feedback she got, not just from her boss (I mentioned this a few days ago), but from the people she's in charge of. I think I've already suggested that she doesn't do criticism well, and today was no exception. Even though she admitted that some of the comments were accurate, she was still angry that this was brought up in the company-wide manager feedback survey.

Despite excellent work/life balance, our company is having its own fair share of woes in employee retention (you may have heard of "The Great Resignation"). I think KfW2 is caught up in that. It would be nice if our company re-evaluated its salary structure, but traditionally we've been quite tight on that front. I think that's why we're losing people. Our work/life balance was always our selling point. But now all I.T. companies have a similar WLB... except they're paying more.

Getting back to it... unless something strange happens on Monday, KfW2 will leave. I'm still trying to make sense of her phone call earlier though. I know she's unhappy, but I'm struggling to understand why.

Digital dating data

Having watched a few Ted talks about online dating, I've always wanted to dig into the stats behind the scenes of online dating apps and websites. Identify the patterns, and see the "truth" as it were.

I found a website a few weeks ago that looked as if it could give me a little insight into Tinder and have been meaning to use it. What it does is take your data from Tinder and output it into a nice picture, so you can easily see what's going on. To no one's surprise, of course, I used it.

Immediately, it looks like I restarted my profile just before we went into lockdown, a little over 2 years ago. I'd have thought it was much longer than that, but there you go.

It's really fucking depressing when you look at it, though there are some caveats. I live in a small catchment area, for starters. For some reason, despite the fact that I shouldn't see the same person twice unless they close, then reactivate, their account (or delete and create a new one), I see the same faces pop up numerous times per week, so even though I've swiped 38000 times, I don't think it's out of order to claim that there are a few members that I've swiped hundreds of times (both left and right). I'd also suggest that a good proportion of accounts do not show the account holder's face and are blank or have landscapes or motivational quotes instead.

That's a right-swipe ratio of 7.5% (I had guesstimated about 1 in 10, so that's not bad.) Is that picky? If I walked down the street would I find 8 out of 100 women attractive?

But out of 2900 right swipes, I had 6 matches that led to zero conversations in over two years. I always knew my numbers were bad on Tinder (and, I guess across online dating in general) but seeing this actually laid out really does bring it home.

Are you on Tinder? Do you want to see your own stats?

Go to https://account.gotinder.com/

Log in via whatever method you choose. It will ask you for an email address. Within three days, you'll receive an email from Tinder with a download link. You must use this within 24 hours or be forced to restart the process.

That will download a zip file to your computer.

Go to https://tinderinsights.com/

Click on "Get your own charts!" followed by "Yes, give me my charts!"

Drag your newly downloaded zip file into the box and within a few seconds, the website will have generated several images similar to the above but tailored to you.

And just to put some context into my figures, here's a Men vs Women graphic (versus others who have submitted their stats to Tinder Insights).

Good Fridays.

I caught the last episode of "Derry Girls" last night on catch-up, which provoked a memory. If you've not seen it, I'd thoroughly recommend it. The last episode takes place on the eve of the Good Friday Agreement referendum. That rang a bell with me, but it took me a while to figure out why.

I remember accompanying FA2 to her voting station, as she did with me to mine. It was a gloriously sunny Friday.

I also remember that we went to the pub to celebrate the end of violence, got somewhat tipsy and ended up in bed together.

What I didn't piece together was that this was the day that FA2 regards as our anniversary, our first day of officially being a couple. The night after she ended it with a guy she'd been dating for a few weeks. The night before we had the chat and decided to become official.

And the actual anniversary of that is only a few days away.

Will she, won't she?

Apparently, according to a very excited, but random, phone call from KfW2, she's been offered the job that she'd applied for.

However, she doesn't know if she'll take it. That's a little surprising. I'd thought that if she was applying for jobs then she was unhappy. Bear in mind that it wasn't that long ago that she was in a similar position that I currently am: massive anxiety issues with interviews. While she claims to be better these days, applying for another job in another company and actually going through with the interview process is still a big thing for her. I can't see her doing it lightly.

There's another factor at play - a recent assessment of sorts in work. This was where things got a little confusing as she was not really describing this too well. What I took from this was that she was assessed based on her current role (management) and her potential future performance, and she didn't score particularly well. Three stars out of five or something, I think she said.

KfW2 is very driven (a trait that I admire and am somewhat jealous of because I lack motivation for pretty much everything). But I sometimes think she can be unrealistic in her expectations. She's only been doing the job for about 2 years. She's still learning and finding her feet and voice as a manager, having been a "pleb" (like me) for over twenty years.

So, I think she's quite angry that the person who assessed her hasn't given her top marks. I inferred, from the phone call, that she was going to talk to the guy to see why he'd scored her so low (KfW2's words, not mine).

I guess it'll be a combination of factors that'll decide whether she takes the job - a chat with her assessor, the package from the new company (inc. salary) and whatever counter offer the company will offer. It's going to be an interesting few days.

Absolutely

 Brie Larson, with abs, looking fine? Oh, if you insist!

Vent.

Nothing important to discuss, but I did want to vent about how people use the word "clearly" when they actually mean "in my opinion". It properly grinds my gears. It's clearly wrong.

Dating data.

There was someone on Instagram who asked the question:

"If you match with someone on a dating app, who should make first contact?"

I have strong feelings about this, actually. I believe that whoever makes the match i.e. whoever swipes right secondly has the responsibility. After all, you're on your phone, you swipe, and you get notified that you've matched. Why log off?

I've said as much in my own profile text.

The issue I have is that it's been ages (i.e. YEARS) since that was me. I've had matches on Bumble where the other person hasn't messaged first, and for those who don't know, the woman HAS to be the one to initiate contact.

Now, I have had matches where I wasn't the person who made the match. I've sent messages and had no response. I've sent messages and seen the other person delete their account/the match (including a friend of CC). I'm off on a tangent here.

That was another complaint from the Instagram user - she was making first contact (Ruuude approves - confident women are awesome) but getting zero replies back from her matches.

I would love to get a look at some data, to see how many matches are made, what the "hit rate" is like, how many people make contact after matching etc.

I might have something specific to me, so watch this space, if you're interested in such a thing.

Working on the details.

I'm not going to go into massive detail about the work-related conversation between KfW2 and myself a few days ago but there were some highlights.

Firstly, KfW2's financial issues seem to be over. I can't remember if I posted them on the blog or if it was shared in conversations with USHW, but she's now at the point where she's considering buying property as an investment. Bear in mind that only a few years ago, she was down to pennies at the end of the month and stressing out about it (it kinda jump-started her career progression).

We spoke about Stalky Guy. KfW2 was surprised that I admitted that if I never saw or spoke to Stalky Guy again that it would not bother me one bit. I don't dislike him, but he was a work colleague, and one who was very well looked after by a succession of bosses. A level of reward that his talent and skills didn't deserve. it was the same with Brusque Guy too, who managed to receive a promotion last year for who-knows-what.

KfW2 asked me about that, and my response was that it had been implied by a series of managers what the success criteria were, but the people who ended up being rewarded failed to fulfil half of them, while I'm sat there with criteria coming out the wazoo.

She's in management now, so even with her management head on, she was sympathetic. She's said it before - she'd love to have me in her team... or someone like me. I dunno that I ever would. the idea of having a friend as a boss fills me with dread, but it's nice that my attributes are appreciated by someone.

Ups and downs.

It was a mixed day. I slept poorly. No, strike that. I slept well, but I woke early. Probably around 3:30 AM and I didn't really get back to sleep. I got up around 9 AM, though hangover-free, which was great bearing in mind that I'd been drinking with FP since 4 PM the previous day until about midnight, all thanks to the FA Cup final and Eurovision Song Contest.

KfW2 messaged me about noon. Was I still interested in doing something with her? I certainly was. The original plan was for her to pick me up at 1 PM. She would call into the shop, and then pick me up she advised, so this was slightly later than planned. I went off to get ready.

I didn't hear my phone chime again with further messages from KfW2 as I was off brushing my teeth etc. It was 45 mins later when I looked at my phone. Actually, she asked, did I mind going to hers, instead? I mean... I don't mind going to hers, but it's usually 90 minutes door-to-door, and two bus journeys and a 20-minute walk. Plus, there would be a restricted Sunday service.

I replied back and let her make the call. She could stick with the original plan or she could ask me to go to hers. She replied instantly - would I go to hers? I replied in the affirmative and started planning the journey.

As I said above, I don't mind going to hers, but it's the last-minute change of plans and unexpected inconvenience that I don't like.

Anyhoo, long story short, I had a great day and I never mentioned my frustrations because, as USHW is fond of telling me, I'm a sucker for a pretty face. When the kids were away playing, we even managed a semblance of a proper, grown-up conversation. The main talking points were work and mental health.

I'll not bore you with the work stuff (I might post at a later date about it), but the mental health chat was interesting. It kinda started because KfW2 was asking me about DSC and her recent Facebook messages, so I read them out to her.

"Were you in a bad way when you stopped talking to her?" asked KfW2.

"Not that I can remember. I don't think so. Certainly not depressed or messed-up as she claims."

"When was it?"

"The last time I spoke to her was the week before your wedding."

"That's nine years ago!"

"Yeah."

"Mmmm. I don't remember you having any issues back then. Moody, maybe, but nothing like she said."

Which brought us to our current mental health. I admitted that I thought mine was in a bad place, but also admitted that I couldn't put a finger on exactly what might be wrong. I suggested that lockdown, the pandemic, work issues in 2021, lack of exercise and isolation/isolating were all taking their toll.

Later, back at KfW2's (we'd been out to a nearby park for a walk), I expanded a little and suggested that my own non-professional diagnosis was that I was an introvert with social anxiety issues. I think I've pretty much admitted the same thing on this blog.

I'd also shared with her that the attractive HR girl had given me some leads on help with anxiety issues that I was facing at the end of last year, but I'd not yet followed up on them. Like a lot of things, they are sitting on a "to do" list that I keep forgetting to check.

"I kinda think that if I start unravelling those (the 2021 anxiety things), that it's going to open up a can of worms, too."

"Don't bury this, though," advised KfW2.

"No. I hope that now we're coming out of isolation and stuff, plus the summer coming in, that I can get out, be more active, see more people and that'll help. If my assumptions are correct, of course. If not, then I'll look into it."

She nodded.

"Please do."

KfW2 paused.

"And I'm here for you if you ever need to talk."

"Thank you," I replied.

I knew that already, but it's nice to hear. 

"No one said adulting was this hard," she said.

I stepped in and hugged her.

"No. No, they didn't. And you know that I'm there for you too, right?"

She said nothing but squeezed a bit tighter.

We moved on to other topics, and I left to get the bus home a short while later. I had mixed feelings coming home - a little lonely, a little melancholy, but really glad we had the talk.

Just talking.

I sent a somewhat last-minute message to CC last night, to see if she fancied heading out for some food. I was bored, needed a change of scenery and had nothing in the house until Tesco comes tomorrow (or I get off my ass and go shopping). She was off at a gym class, so turned up at my house in her yoga pants and a tight t-shirt.

We ended up in a burger place and she started talking.

With CC, it's always the same subjects: KfW2's career, my house (and the work required) and my fitness. Don't get me wrong, it's nice that she cares, but it often feels like a lecture. I don't do lectures. I never have. If you can adopt a tone that makes it 'advice' rather than a 'lecture', or offer to find solutions, then I am always open to feedback.

So, when I am lectured by CC about the work that needs to be done to my house, I am often pushing back. Part of it is real - I've had issues getting tradespeople out to price up some of the stuff that I want to do (and there's a long list of things that I want to do), so the work tends not to be done. Ideally, I'd like three or more quotes for a specific job, but if I can get one, then no one else will come out. Then it gets side-lined for a while and I have to start all over again.

There's also the pandemic fallout to consider. My mental health has taken a beating. The isolation, work issues, lack of exercise etc. of the past two years has drained me. My motivation for pretty much anything has all but disappeared.

So, when CC started her usual line of inquiry last night, she sensed that there was something different to my push back, and asked about it.

"Was I tired?" She didn't mean physically. She sensed the lack of motivation was different to before.

Fair play to CC. I'd always considered her to be rather cold and uninterested in people other than herself and asking questions because she felt she had to rather than being genuinely interested in the reply. I think I've complained in the past about how she communicates in a way that makes her out to be selfish, so this was a very refreshing change.

She was also very chatty about KfW2's new job. CC didn't know that I know, and I never admitted to it. So CC spilled KfW2's secrets without a second thought. KfW2 would be angry as hell if she found out.