Reasons to be cheerful...

It should have been a good day. The thing with KfW2 looks resolved. We chatted a bit and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so my gut feeling over the weekend was simply me assuming the worst and over-analysing stuff. I tend to do that with nothing else to occupy my mind.

One of the work things is on its way to being resolved and first impressions are that I'm going to be successful... to a certain extent. I'm  not going to get the recognition that I feel I deserve, nor will that result in a pay re-alignment that I was aiming for.

Chatting with KfW2 on the way home, we were both pessimistic about what's going to happen this year. We can't see it being a good year for anyone on our team with the current management and excessive workload. We've both decided, separately, that trying to be good, to forge a career, isn't worth the effort. KfW2 is looking to move on. She's talked about it, on and off, since I've known her, but this time feels different.

So, while there were definite reasons to be positive, the end of the day has left me feeling somewhat empty.

State of mind.

It's been a tough start to the year, for reasons that I don't particularly want to get in to right now, but they're both personal and professional.

I can't remember the last time I had any kind of prolonged decent sleep.

KfW2 and I had a chat a few days ago that wasn't a fight per se, but wasn't a kick in the ass off it IMO. She came out of it feeling better or so she claims, but I didn't. The reasons for the chat were professional rather than personal and haven't been addressed just yet.

I'm a little disappointed that KfW2 hasn't reached out over the weekend after a long week. Since the chat, we've only really spoken about work.

Things should resolve themselves over the next few weeks, but the one thing that's bothering me most is this disagreement with KfW2. We've never had one before that was in any way serious.

Right now, I'm stressed, tired, mentally fatigued, lonely and generally unhappy. A state of mind that's been all too familiar recently.

Still, £141 million to be won on Tuesday. That'll make things better, right?

BIG SIGH (What?)

I was right - kinda. We didn't fight, but we chatted this morning. She's angry. I'm angry. She's frustrated. I'm frustrated. She's not right. I'm not right. I understand where she's coming from, but I think she's wrong to direct her anger at me. Most of the problems we're facing are due to other influences and that's where she should be directing her frustration and anger.

Oh, and letting me get on with my job instead of continually telling me what to do would also help.

BIG SIGH

There's something in the air. That something, dear reader, is a storm cloud. I feel that, any day now, KfW2 and I are going to have a fight.

We're working on a project together. I say "together", but really it's mostly her (excellent) work and I'm just doing some technical donkey work to help out.

Except communication, at least on a project basis, is not KfW2's strong point.

She's stressed about an upcoming deadline. I'm stressed about an upcoming deadline. She's frustrated that I'm not getting stuff done as quickly as she (or I) would like. I'm frustrated because she only drip feeds information or changes her mind without telling anyone.

A few weeks ago:

KfW2: Can you do X for me?
Me: Yup.
*Ruuude goes off to research X*
KfW2 (a few hours later): Can you do Y for me?
Me: I'm trying to get X done for you.
KfW2: Oh, I did that already.
Me: *silently* FFS.

Today:
KfW2: Can you do Z for me?
Me: Yup.
*Ruuude goes off and starts on Z, which will take all day*
KfW2 (a few hours later): Can you do A for me?
Me: I was doing Z.
KfW2: Forget that, do A instead.
Me: OK.
KfW2: (20 minutes later) Have you done A yet?
Me: No, nothing's working, I'm trying to figure it out.
KfW2: *list a couple of things to try*
KfW2 (5 mins later): Have you done those things I suggested yet?
Me: No, I was trying some other stuff

I know she's frustrated. If she pulls this off she gets massive amounts of kudos. But she's all over the place, doing ten things at once with most of the knowledge in her head. I like getting one or two things done and moving on. But having her chop and change and breathing down my neck is making me frustrated and often giving me little information to start. She doesn't have to tell me for the tenth time when the deadline is... I know!

Sigh.

Also: what a great Valentine's Day post.

Valentine's Day etiquette?

"Is it this Wednesday that you're out with CC?" I asked. KfW2 looked insulted.

"Nooooo! It's Valentine's Day!" she declared.

"But you think it's nonsense. Hubby thinks it's nonsense. So why treat it differently?"

"It's no wonder you're single" she teased.

"But if your marriage has proper romance in it, then you shouldn't need to worry about this one day. You two do loads for each other!"

"Yes, but you still can't do that on V-Day. I can't say to hubby that I'm off to the pub*"

"I don't see why not, if both of you feel the same way," I mused.

"And again, you're the single one," KfW2 laughed.

*Cocktails followed by the latest 50 Shades of Grey movie. KfW2's hubby won't know what hit him at 11 PM on Thursday night.

Pondering.

Unlike Christmas and especially the New Year period, as a long-term singleton, Valentine's Day isn't a big deal for me. I don't get more lonely in the same way that I do at Christmas, for example.

But that hasn't stopped me looking through Tinder and the other online dating sites/apps. Someone has popped up a few times - stunningly attractive with piercing blue eyes. She was described to me as a blonde Emma Willis, which is a great description of her. I've not yet matched with her on Tinder, but she is very much someone that I would like to meet, ignoring a couple of things (namely religion and kids).

It turns out that she used to be married to a high profile (where I'm from) sportsman. I found this out by accident when looking through the website of my local newspaper and saw an article about her.

Add to that the recent spotting of Orlaith McAllister as well as a nationally renowned clothing designer, then it seems to me that there seems to be fair amount of high profile/successful women on Tinder locally.

This is just an observation. I'm not suggesting anything.

Does this translate across the rest of the UK, I wonder?

Guess what?

I had unexpected visitors yesterday - KfW2 and her troop.

Don't get me wrong, I love having guests (I don't have enough IMO) and KfW2's family are no exception, but it's not sitting in a cosy pub with KfW2, having adult conversations that are personal rather than work related.

I could talk to her about it - I already have to a certain extent, but as USHW suggested a while ago, she might not realise how important those times are to me. As I may have pondered in another post recently, I think she doesn't differentiate between visits like yesterday and a night at the pub. After all, I probably see more of KfW2 than any of her other friends.

And we've had a conversation before where we agreed that time was the most precious thing you can give. This was after her unreliable friend was very generous with a Christmas or birthday present. The gift, whilst lovely, did not make up for the fact that she was forever cancelling on KfW2.

I kinda don't want to talk to her about it though. I don't want to guilt her into something that she doesn't have the time to do. I'd far rather she did it because she wants to.

Sigh (Part 3)

It was well past 7 PM when I left work with KfW2 this evening. We were standing at the bus stop chatting and eventually...

"So...." she began. "When's your cocktail party?"

I'd pondered out loud about hosting something like that a week or so ago.

"Well, FP isn't about until mid-March. You're out of action* until the start of April. You're looking at mid-April before a window opens up, assuming everyone's available"

"Get it sorted!" she laughed.

It's frustrating. I can spend time with KfW2 and her family, but getting her alone is much harder than it should be. USHW suggested there was something else going on that was deliberately making alone adult time (not a euphemism) with KfW2 an impossibility. I don't agree, but it doesn't stop me being annoyed.

*About ten minutes prior to this bit of the conversation, KfW2 had laid out in detail, her social engagements over the next four weeks, including a night out with CC and a re-arranged night out with her friend.

Sigh (con't)

Don't get me wrong, she has that annoying CH-like tendency to always get her own way, regardless of how small the "victory" is.

But, much like CH, she is excellent company. We were only out for two hours, but the time flew by, reminiscing, talking about old flames, old friends and how we met and when... and us both steadfastly not mentioning that I had my tongue in her mouth the same evening.

I wish the evening could have lasted just a little longer, but I'm back home now.

Sigh.

"All set for tonight?" I asked.

"Actually, I had to bring my car to work and it's parked nearby. Can we meet near me instead?"

It's not massive inconvenience - a 15 minute walk instead of 5 minutes - but this is always the case. Much like CH, QC1 will make whatever arrangements you like, but if they're not convenient to her then a last minute "emergency" will mean that these arrangements need to be changed to something to suit her.

It's one of the reasons I stopped making the effort with her a while back. Once I left the arrangements to her or AM, I stopped seeing them. It was two years almost to the day since I last saw QC1. Same for AM. And at the time they both wanted to see more of me. I did what I always do; tell them to arrange something and I'll be there.

If it weren't for exceptional circumstances, tonight wouldn't be happening.

I asked KfW2 where she was going with her friend. Tonight's cancelled. This is not a big surprised. KfW2's friend is even less reliable than CH.

"You should come to Nando's with me and QC1" I jokingly offered. "I know how to treat a woman."

"I'd actually love that," she said "but I'm out next week with CC, then there's the husband's birthday stuff to sort"

So... she was due to be out tonight, she's out next week with CC for drinks, I did some babysitting before Xmas when she was out with her best friend, plus numerous spa days with the same three girls over the past year. I can't get her out for a drink. Sigh. I'd say something, but it seems petty and childish to raise it. I am disappointed though.

Break.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, the whole New Year, new fitness plan never kicked off in January.

Anyone who's read the blog by now knows my goals - change eating habits (well, tweak, really) and take on more exercise (do DDP Yoga and potentially add Freeletics later) for weight loss.

Obstacles should be behind me now, so I can actually get started... if I can get the motivation. Work is exhausting me at the moment and I'm coming home from work mentally drained. Not physically, which I could battle through. Mentally though, once I get into the house, I find myself in front of the telly or the PC, vegging out.

I know that the exercise will help with the mental exhaustion, but it's a chicken and egg thing. I know I enjoy DDP, so it shouldn't be this difficult.

I need to break this habit. DDP and Freeletics should take less than an hour each (and it'll be a while before I am fit enough to consider doing both in one day).

I will do this.