Developments.

We had our now annual Xmas night out a few days ago. All the usual people were there - KfW2, CC, GM, FP, S etc. along with newcomer SG.

I was intrigued by SG's attendance because it would give KfW2 a chance to meet her. And vice-versa. I was more apprehensive about SG meeting KfW2 though because of SG's reaction to GM and Foreign Girl earlier this year. I knew that KfW2 wanted to meet SG - she's been kept up to date on the SG thing, though she's unaware that despite not seeing SG as a girlfriend, that I'd still take her to bed. My fault for being too subtle.

I've not learned a lot so far. SG has briefly mentioned KfW2 and I'm paraphrasing but "I can see why you're friends with KfW2 - she's such a warm, friendly person - very refreshing". It was clear that we're very close, right from the moment KfW2 arrived.

KfW2 hasn't yet passed judgement on SG other than mentioning, while we were out and after SG had left, that SG's two kids have different fathers.

I'm interested in learning what KfW2 thinks of SG, but it's not important. It would be if I considered SG to be something more than a friend or a FWB.

FP's advice (I suspect that KfW2 had said something to FP about SG because he was suddenly interested in learning more once I came back from the bar) was to bed her then deal with the fallout, but she's not a stranger, she's my friend as well. I risk fracturing a rather tight social group if SG ends up getting hurt and I don't want that to happen.

On a more general note, despite the fact that this year's event was mid-week, there was still a good turnout and everyone seemed to have a good time. I guess that's signalled the start of my Christmas party season.

And now... the end is near...

A few weeks ago, KfW2 shared some news. CH has been offered another job, in another company. I don't know if KfW2 was expecting any reaction, but there wasn't one. This is news I've been waiting to hear all year - after all, I was actively involved in helping CH do some job hunting and application form filling last year. Even then, my expectation was that our friendship would dissolve once she found new employment - she's simply not one of those people who's good at maintaining contact outside of a core set of friends (much like S).

I'm wondering how she's going to react to new employment. She'll have to meet new people and her whole routine of seeing her core friends will come crashing down. She might still see them at lunchtime - her new employer is only a few hundred metres away - but her new job will have far less flexibility than our current employer offers.

I kinda miss talking to CH. The drunken semi-flirting and great rack aside, when we were talking it was great fun. It was disappointing that it never really blossomed into a proper friendship, but even now, my stubbornness is preventing me from making initial contact - she was the one who stopped talking to me, she is the one who's angry with me (and I still don't officially know that). If she wanted to talk, I'd welcome it, if I were in the wrong, I'd apologise (I don't think I am).

But, within a few weeks... definitely not later than the Xmas party... the entire CH chapter will be closed, for ever.

A tale of two women...

Something that came out of my SG chat with KfW2 a few days ago was how much of an enigma she was. SG does things to extremes. She can be a tomboy - she mostly is - but equally, she can dress up in skimpy dresses and massive heels (as adequately demonstrated on the first night we met). She claims shyness, but is not backwards in interacting with other people. A recent example is getting up and dancing with strangers during a night out. She claims to be self-conscious about drawing attention to herself, but has no qualms about dressing that way - her recent Hallowe'en night costume (very, very sexy and not a lot of it) or the aforementioned dress (very, very slutty and not a lot of it).

However, one thing that I've not mentioned so far was that, after I'd (badly) dealt with SG's admission on Hallowe'en night, she left shortly thereafter. Ages ago, SG admitted that she was simply too drunk and that she always gets emotional when drinking vodka. A few days ago, though, SG also admitted that she thought her costume was too skimpy and she was feeling very self-conscious about it. Personally, I thought she looked stunning in it - gorgeous and sexy. But it was that admission that started the gears turning in my head about SG's two sides.

We met at lunchtime yesterday (KfW2 would be raising her eyebrows at this stage), but nothing has changed. I felt nothing beyond appreciating the physical. Arguably, the wanting to sleep with SG thing only raises its head when there's alcohol involved.

Stuff.

There's a ton of stuff ongoing that, for the first time in a long time, could mean that come New Year's Eve, I'm celebrating an overall good year.

Potentially the housing issue will be resolved in a matter of weeks giving me a lot more freedom, but a lot less free cash. That will enable me to restart a lot of things that were put on the shelf a few months ago including exercise and cooking - two things that I've missed dearly. I'll also be in a position where I do a lot more hosting/entertaining - something I was unable to do when I lived in a shared house.

Sports Girl and I have spent more time in each others' company as well, but I'm unsure about the future. It's still lust rather than a relationship vibe I get from her, but I'm not sure that's her point of view. We've spoken about Christmas and New Year (we both find it to be a lonely time of the year and that could be the catalyst  for some socialising for both of us) and she's been very excited with my recent housing news. I get the impression she's lonely in general - she's mentioned a few things, amongst other things, that her friendship with GM, FC, S and myself is very important to her. Her youngest child is far younger than I had originally known, so she's been single a lot less than I had assumed. I have inferred, from what she has said, that she didn't do an awful lot of socialising prior to meeting GM.

She's very much getting into "friend" territory, but there are too many deal-breakers for her to be anything more serious, romantically-speaking or for anything like that to develop.

Pondering.

For obvious reasons, I've recently been pondering the term "fuck buddy", which to some is interchangeable with the phrase "friend with benefits". Not to me, though.

For me, a fuck buddy is purely a physical relationship. A booty call. Someone to scratch that particular itch. A friend with benefits, in my opinion, lies somewhere between a fuck buddy and a full-on boyfriend or girlfriend.

It's the latter I'm considering with Sports Girl, though I've no real idea how she would take it. I didn't notice anything untoward during our recent night out playing pool, but the past weekend's night out, her interest was clearer. She was very tactile while we were dancing, there were a few moments where it looked like she might have gone in for a kiss before she caught herself on and when we were parting ways (SG, S and a friend of SG's were going to a club while I called it a night), she was very reluctant to let me leave.

My current living situation is not really conducive to bringing women home and SG has a live-in teenage daughter, so it's not like we have ready-made privacy if things ever did get physical. My inability to make any kinds of plans over the past few months has been very frustrating. I have a lot planned when things are resolved, but that's not looking to be done this side of Christmas.

So, thinking about SG non-platonically, but also in a non-relationship way is a fine line to have to tread with SG already being a friend and us sharing mutual friends.

Words

After a bit of deliberation with myself, I owned up to Sports Girl about not being able to remember most of what happened on Hallowe'en night. This was after we'd spent the entire afternoon bantering away about replaying our impromptu pool competition of last weekend. SG issued another challenge, so I knew that we were both OK, but part of me still felt the need to apologise.

I do get drunk, but I am a sensible drunk. I rarely forget the night before due to alcohol and it's an even rarer event that I do something outside of my comfort zone. So, having memory loss of that period of time was something that wasn't sitting right with me. I don't even remember talking to SG after her admission, never mind just forgetting what it was I'd said. My vague memory of the night is of her saying something then there's a blank until I return from the bar or the toilet and she's sat there looking unhappy and on the verge of tears.

Arguably, I should have apologised weeks ago, but it was a conversation with KfW2 a few days ago that made me realise that time was passing quickly and waiting any longer would mean it was too long to say anything.

So, with no face time looming and us living on opposite sides of the city, I fired off a quick text message.

She replied. She says there's nothing to forgive and that I said or did nothing wrong (though I can't shake the feeling that I could've dealt with it better). She also admitted that she can't remember too much about that night, which leaves me wondering if she can remember coming on to me or if she's saying she's got her own memory loss to save face.

None of it really matters. We never stopped chatting and texting and have spent time alone outside of the group since that night, so we're all good. She asked a few questions about my housing project, once again offered a place to kip after a night out and the conversation continued as if the serious interlude never happened.

I just need to figure out how open she is to trying something physical without going down the whole dating route.

FB or not FB, that is the question.

Since her admission on Hallowe'en, SG and I have been in more contact. It's hard to say if this is a direct result of what was said that night because our contact, outside of the main group, was increasing anyway. And there was at least one night before then where it was just the two of us - having a coffee or just having a game of pool and chilling.

This isn't all one-way traffic from SG either. I've initiated contact a few times by myself, I've suggested that we meet, just the two of us, which was ultimately cancelled because of an injury to SG's daughter.

A few days after that, though, we found ourselves in a bar by ourselves. GM, S etc. had all had other plans, so SG's last-minute suggestion of pool and pints meant it was just me and her. We did the pool and pints, then adjourned to another bar where we knew a band would be playing.

It was a good night, though it dipped in the middle due to the breaking news of the attacks in Paris. She might not be girlfriend material as far as I am concerned, but she's really good company and good fun. I'm trying to figure out if we can get something physical going, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. There were plenty of hugs and, with her repeatedly dragging me up to dance, I had plenty of opportunity to be tactile.

The night ended late - we were the last to leave the bar. We got talking to a couple of people outside who were going clubbing. SG wanted us to go along with them, but I'm not big into clubbing. At least, not a club that exclusively plays dance music which is pretty much all of them here. I tried to get her to change her mind so I could order two taxis (we live in completely opposite directions, so no chance of sharing a taxi).

She left with the two people for the club. I flagged down a taxi and went home. When I arrived, I had a missed Whatsapp call, from SG, and a message. She'd gone to the club, then immediately gotten a taxi home before going in. We had arrived back at our respective homes almost in tandem.

There were a few extra messages swapped back and forth where I explained to yet another person that it's not clubbing I am against but the music. If there were a rock or indie club here, I'd stay out late a lot more often.

Since then, we've been in conversation a little more. It's less banter-like and more serious, but that's because SG's concerned about the fallout from Friday's attacks. In this scenario, SG and KfW2 are very similar - they're very empathetic.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd love for something physical to happen. I'm incredibly frustrated that a gorgeous, sexy woman who, physically at least, ticks a load of my boxes has shown interest in me, but I can't to the same in return, beyond lust. But she's a friend too. I don't want to ruin anything by clumsily trying it on when she's not interested (and obviously, having turned her down a few weeks ago and not actually being able to remember what I said, is not working in my favour.)

Oh dear.

S had a Hallowe'en party last night with a few of his mates and our core crowd (FC, GM, Sports Girl, FC's wife). It was a great night, but the talking point was Sports Girl.

She pretty much admitted that she was attracted to me.  I'd kinda figured that was coming from the way she was behaving in the time leading up to that, even though, in general, I always thought that she might have had a thing for S (and I definitely thought S had a thing for her). Sadly, from her perspective, I don't see SG as girlfriend material, so I had to let her down. I don't think I did it particularly well so I will have some apologising to do if we need to talk it out.

She looked stunning last night though in a home made Wonder Woman costume (she's into cosplay, so she's good at costume making). If she were into one night stands or something casual, then I would definitely have left the party early, if you know what I mean, but she's not. She's implied that in the past, specifically when she offered, then retracted, an offer of something casual with GM.

*knowing wink*

I also have a massive hangover today - jelly shots, general shots and tequila are not a good mix. And a tinge of frustration at not being able to take SG home.

"How's the love life?"

This blog post caught my eye earlier while I was bored: Things you need to stop saying to single people on "No bad dates, just good stories". 

To be honest, I've been critical of dating blogs in the past, not specifically on here, but in conversations with others - specifically KfW2 and USHW. I've often found that dating blogs tend to be a bit Cosmo-esque with their advice pieces. This struck a chord though - a lot of them were extremely accurate. Go off and have a look at the blogger's post to see what she has to say. I've "borrowed" the ones that I hear most often with my own comments (I've left the original blogger's order in for reference).

1. "So… are you seeing anyone? How’s the love life?"

G is probably the biggest culprit here and he mainly asks on behalf of his wife. Years ago, the answer was "Same old. Not really looking, not not looking". That was my mantra since my early twenties. Now the answer is "Same old..." then let it trail off. Why trail off? Because if I don't, I end up in a conversation where a lot of the following questions and comments come up.

Of course, it's partly my fault. I could take a simple step and use this as an opportunity to voice my unhappiness, but it's only really G and KfW2 who ask... and KfW2 knows my relationship status, she simply doesn't like me being in a funk. G, living in London, is not really in a position to offer any real help, so I don't bother opening up.

3. “Have you tried online dating?”

Unless someone specifically asks, I don't tend to admit to it. It's not the stigma that was once attached to it, it's my success rate that stops me from admitting anything...

"Have you tried online dating?"
"Yes. Yes I have."

"What happened? Any luck?"

"Well, long story short... over half a dozen different memberships across three or four sites where I've messaged well in excess of three hundred women, I managed to get a handful of replies that led to exactly one date."

"You must be doing something wrong!"

"I've explored as many possibilities as I can. I've tried all the advice I can find online. I've had serious profiles, flippant ones, silly ones, long ones, short ones, blank ones. I've tried as many different combinations in opening messages, all included a question, where possible, directly related to their own profiles to show I was paying attention and not spamming people. All my memberships had photos as well."

"..."

"And despite living in modern times, online dating is simply an extension of the real world. Women tend not to make the first move."

4. “The right person will come along when you least expect it.”

"Do you remember what I used to say when you asked about my dating? 'Not really looking, not not looking'? I've tried the 'laissez faire' attitude. It's not exactly paying dividends."

KfW2 has, unfortunately, used this as recently as a few weeks ago.

6. “I think you’re just not putting yourself out there enough.”

Of all the things to say, this is probably the one that's most accurate. When out socially, with GM or S, for example, we tend to be very insular. Chat and banter amongst ourselves. I rarely notice people who're not in our group. Add to the fact that while I'm a lot more confident in myself than I was in my late 20s, I'm still incredibly shy and speaking to new people can be very stressful for me (never mind actually trying to approach someone 'cold' with a view to chatting them up).

7. “Perhaps you’re being too picky.”

Am I? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Personally, my opinion has always been that I am attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. It's easy to be dismissive online, looking at a profile picture and a couple of lines of standard text ("I like going out but sometimes curling up on the sofa with a glass of red wine"). I also know that seeing the same people in real life can often have a different outcome - I've seen and spoken to a couple of women that I'd not really been that interested in when I saw their profiles on Tinder or PoF. Even DSC, while not being romantically interesting, was interesting enough to get to know socially.

8. “I don’t even know why you’re single, you’re such a catch.”

OK, that's nice of you to say, but if I were such a catch, why don't you invite your available, cute friends out so we can see if we hit it off? I don't do blind dates, but I'll meet the people you bring out.

You can look back at the posts I've made over the years about the perceived lack of effort my friends have put in from AM twenty years ago to both CH and KfW2 more recently. They've talked the talk, but no-one has ever come up with the goods.

To be honest, having trawled through my female friends Facebook pages, there aren't an awful lot of friends of friends that would immediately stand out - MMBF and CB being the exceptions... and possibly an old university friends of my sister's.

10. “I really miss being single.”

"I really miss being with someone. Are we even now?"

Grin.

I was in playful form at the weekend, enjoying my sister's hospitality and a few sports results. As I went to fetch another beer, I noticed my eldest nephew was chatting to some of his friends via Kinect in the warm up to some gaming.

I burst into the room, my t-shirt pulled above my head.

"Who wants to see my belly?" I shouted.

My two youngest nephew and niece laughed uncontrollably. The eldest, however, walked out of the room.

I returned to the sofa and continued watching TV. About thirty minutes later, my brother-in-law marched into the room with eldest nephew in tow. Eldest nephew had something to say to me, but he wouldn't spit it out. After about five minutes of cajolling from his dad (who had been told the problem), he eventually admitted that he was annoyed that I'd showed him up in front of his mates... that they were laughing at him.

I don't believe that they were - they were laughing at me playing the clown, but he's always been overly sensitive. However, I gave my apology and that was that.

In itself, it's not really worth posting about... but it's a good parallel with CH. I've done or said something that she's unhappy with. She's told KfW2 some of the detail, but won't tell me directly.

So, in all honesty, I can actually say that CH is acting like a 10 year old.

What's up?

I was in contact with KfW2 a few days ago over IM. At the end of the day, I sent quick message.

"Away home. Talk to you tomorrow."

Straight away, before I could log off, she quickly replied.

"You sound fed up."

I admitted that I was, that it had nothing to do with work. She asked me to elaborate.

"House stuff and the usual stuff really"

"Which is?"

"Loneliness is the main one, but it's hard to single any one thing out. It's all intertwined."

KfW2 spoke about the house stuff (she's going through similar herself, then sent another message:

"As for the lonely thing, I was going to say how can you be lonely cos you're never in, but I understand what you mean... It's nothing to do with having people to go drinking with all the time, its to do with having someone there to be with."

"Yes, someone there to be with, to be able to rely on etc."

The conversation halted there, mainly because I had to leave. I thanked her for understanding and I promised to pick it up the next day. We didn't, but that was because work got in the way. KfW2 did ask, first thing the next morning if we could continue the chat, but I was mentoring a colleague. I will try and pick up again soon, because there was stuff left unsaid...

For example, it's nice to have people there when you go through a rough patch... and I know I have people that I can talk to, but I'm not anyone's priority and that's what provokes the loneliness, I think. Also the prolonged loneliness was the main reason in trying to chat to CH earlier in the year (people being unreliable hurts/annoys more when you're lonely) and to have her over-react in the way she did when I tried to address that hasn't helped.

I'm kinda in limbo at the moment. The housing thing, which should have been resolved within the next week could take another few weeks yet to get sorted, or it could all fall apart. It's on a knife edge right now and I'm waiting to hear from the decision makers on what my options are. I've moved out of my old place and am staying with family, but I can't settle. I need my own place.

I was touched, but also a little frustrated, by KfW2's empathy. It only took two sentences over IM for her to figure out that something was wrong though admittedly, she hasn't realised that the funk's been ongoing for a long time, but she's noticed more than anyone else I spend time with.