Out and about.

KfW2 messaged me through work channels. She needed advice on something, and I was happy to provide feedback.

That led to a WhatsApp message this morning.

"Wanna do something on Sunday?"

It's a bit vague. Does she mean a grown-up something or something with her kids? I messaged back with the question.

"With the kids"

Slightly disappointing, but it gives me an excuse to get out of the house (something I need to do more often) and I'd get to see KfW2. I think it was maybe January the last time we saw each other face-to-face. As it stands, for a grown-up something, we're looking at probably mid-June at the earliest.

So while I might be hungover (I'm having drinks with FP tomorrow evening), I kinda need this.

Bluesday

This funk has really kicked me in the nuts today, and I don't understand why. I'm not entirely sure that it's solely down to KfW2 potentially moving to a new company, though it's likely to be part of it. It might also be partly to do with the events of BW's Dad's funeral and seeing AM and M, amongst others.

I do at least recognise that a large part of the funk is loneliness, but there's something else there that I can't quite put my finger on.

Career Growth

KfW2 called last night, very excited. She has a job interview later this week off the back of the application she submitted recently. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it.

She's extremely nervous and scared, but I think she'll do great.

Even though we don't see each other on a daily basis anymore, the thought of KfW2 moving to a different company is... unsettling? I've never been great with change, especially change outside of my control. I will, of course, support her completely.

We did speak about getting out for dinner and drinks, but that's probably going to be at least four weeks away.

But, yeah, I'm in a funk that reminds me of the one I went through back in 2018 when KfW2 first got her new job.

Bitter sweet

I got to see a lot of people today, but as seems to be the norm these days, the reason why we all got together is a sad one. It was BW's Dad's funeral. So, yeah, not great circumstances but I still managed to get to talk to FP, AM, BW and others. 

AM was very keen to get a night out arranged. It was funny because I had been explaining to FP how I've lost contact with AM because when I stopped making the effort, she never stepped up to make arrangements.

It was great seeing everyone, but given the circumstances, not actually enjoyable, if that makes sense.

Sugar and spice.

Another few points worthy of note from my recent trip through the archive was that I'd forgotten how often a specific person had messaged me over MSN back in the days of the online hobby. It was a weird little community. I met some absolutely fabulous people, some of whom have been mentioned on this very blog. I've even met some of them in real life.

However, there was a flip side to it. A group of people who were more concerned about popularity than the actual hobby itself. One of these people, it was suspected, had waged a "war" against other groups, using the hobby owners as tools.

This all sounds ambiguous, but really, we all used a couple of websites, and this person would regularly use the website staff to enact revenge on the people she disliked by accusing them of T&C breaches etc. Or if it wasn't her, it was the people who looked up to her.

So, yeah, the archives threw up a period of time (over a few months) where she would regularly reach out to me. She never admitted any of these conversations to anyone and while I didn't put this together at the time, she reminded me of the Imelda Staunton character in the Harry Potter films - all sweetness and sugar on the outside, but actually evil.

And the other thing was the chats with A. The one that the archive threw up recently was a period of a couple of months where I encouraged her to look for a new job, find a place of her own and make a move on this guy at work that she had a crush on. And, blimey, if she didn't do all three... giving me almost daily updates. I think she really trusted me - she went into a lot of detail about her journey. In fact, I did get an invite to her wedding to the very same fellow a few years later.

Hello again.

Facebook is telling me that Sports Girl is in town. I think, at least from social media, that this is the first time that she's been home since she originally left a good few years ago.

Changes.

The timing with KFW2's admission that she's job hunting was interesting. I'd had a similar conversation with Nerdy Girl last night and I did share with her that I had a gut feeling that KfW2 was looking elsewhere.

But the conversation was actually about me. There seems to be an awful lot of people leaving our company recently, so I was explaining this to Nerdy Girl.

"You're happy where you are, aren't you?" she asked.

"I wouldn't say that," I explained. "I've been pondering a change for a while now, but my anxiety is really stopping me from moving to another job, even though I know I could get a substantial pay rise, and I'm kinda looking for a change in what I do anyway. I'm bored, fed up or burned out doing what I do."

She nodded.

"I'm not unhappy. But I could probably do with a change if I could get my head in the game."

Midnight caller.

KfW2 sent me a message late last night. Was I awake?

"Barely," I replied.

I was awake, and reading a book, but it was near midnight. What did she want?

I eventually drifted off to sleep with no further contact. When I woke this morning, WhatsApp was silent.

So I replied to her asking what was up. She immediately called.

It turns out that she's looking for a new job, and not within the company. It was funny, cos even though she was recently promoted, I had a gut feeling she was looking for change. She wanted me to proofread something for her, but she decided that as I had said I was barely awake, she wouldn't bother me. It put me in mind of CH, who asked something similar of me a few years back where I effectively filled in an application form for her and got her an interview. 

Back to KfW2 though. Looking to a brand new company is a big thing for KfW2. She suffers (or at least suffered) from the same type of anxiety that I do regarding interviews, so moving jobs was a big thing for her. This is an extension of that. This time, though, I don't think the desire to move is about money. It has been almost solely her driver in the past, despite her protestations to the contrary.

This time, it's about work/life balance. Traditionally, our company has been at the forefront of WLB in the industry in my city, but the pandemic and lockdown have seen that advantage eroded as other companies have been forced into adopting similar policies, probably much quicker than they might have done ordinarily.

KfW2 is adamant that other places now offer much better WLB. I'm not entirely sure that she's correct, but she won't listen. Plus, this is about workload more than anything else. I don't know that moving to another company is going to make her workload any less.

She admitted that, when she first moved into a new job back in 2018, she took some time off for stress because she didn't feel that she had any direction and was left to figure things out for herself. This is news to me. It seems that she's recently admitted, more than once, to taking time off due to mental health reasons, but never shared that information at the time, and I never picked up on it.

I think part of that is the ever-growing distance between us that started when she took that first step away in 2018 and has steadily grown wider since. I've no insight into her life any longer. We've seen each other three times in the past 12 months, and one of those times was a write-off as she had a complete mental breakdown in front of me. The others amount to a total of a couple of hours, with her kids in tow.

I'm concerned. If she's been stressed and has current mental health issues as well as confidence issues, I'm not sure that looking to move to another company is going to be good for her. I don't know if I should bring it up. She knows I care, but she's also a very stubborn woman when she's made up her mind.

Ouch.

Every time I go walking with Nerdy Girl, I end up wrecking my feet with blisters. I've never had an issue with blisters before when walking fairly long distances (Nerdy Girl and I typically do about 6 miles), so this is something that's only come about over the past two years.

Regardless of any solutions that I try - different footwear, padded socks, non-slip socks etc. I always get blisters.

Tonight was no exception. I was wearing my walking boots (I bought them last year because GM had suggested hill walking, which never materialised) with non-slip socks. While the blisters seem to be smaller, and on different parts of my feet than usual, there are still blisters.

Or maybe it's just that, pre-pandemic, I would do easily two or three miles per day of pure walking at lunchtime and regularly clock over 10K steps daily, and that's down to less than 500 since lockdown and my feet aren't used to it?

Day dreams.

I wanna go travelling. I wanna see the sun. I want to see something new. I have tentative plans to do something later this year with FP (though it's not new), but it's FP, so that's tentative with a capital 'T'.

And I want to do the travelling now. Like tomorrow.

I've been pricing flights and hotels to New Zealand or New York. I don't have the money for it because I've been looking at posh hotels and business class flights and I can't afford the £10k it would cost to do the trips. 

Oh, and I have a job that I have to go to.

Fuck that.

Blogging.

I remembered (well, strictly speaking, read in an archive) that I had several blogs before this one. At least one was a serious blog, much like this one, with the same kind of personal topics. I shared the URL with a friend of mine, and nearly instantly regretted it. Part of what lets me post half the nonsense here is that only one person knows who's behind this blog, and that's USHW.

Another was a complete fabrication, something to scratch a creative itch. I was quite proud of it, but other things were happening at the time, so I deleted it. I should have just left it for a bit and come back to it. Never mind, it's gone now.