Phew

I think we're over the worst of it. By "we", I mean KfW2 and I with regards our work thing. We're still likely to be busy for a bit, but the deadline has been hit and everything we needed to do has been done.

KfW2 has restarted her chat about leaving for another job. We're both stressed, tired and pissed off with how things are. We've both had our issues with the boss, though KfW2 hasn't suffered with the borderline harassment like I have.

The chat about KfW2's job hunt has gotten me down. I don't like change. I mean, I really don't like it unless I have time to process it, or it's of my own doing. The thing is, I don't think she'll get the job. I think there will be behind-the-scenes chats and KfW2 will be overlooked for someone else. I'd still want her to get the job though. I might not like change, but I want the best for my friends and she needs the change of pace and scenery.

Plus, I've requested some time off this weekend. I'm hoping to hear back in the affirmative when I get into the office tomorrow.

And again...

KfW2 is completely stressed. Once again, we're 95% of our target, a no small feat given the extremely aggressive timeline.

But KfW2 is not focusing on the positive, the achievement. Just like she did a few weeks ago, it's the negative. The short comings of others, specifically a co-worker. Admittedly, he can be difficult to work with, but it's not like he hasn't been putting in the work.

KfW2's problem with him is that he hasn't been working himself into the ground as KfW2 and I have been doing. I don't begrudge him that, though.

I think this is another issue of KfW2 expecting too much of people while maybe under-delivering herself in communicating exactly what she needs.

Dozens of emails, all asking us to do things, without clarifying what should be the priority is not great, especially if you're going to lose your temper if we don't do things the way you wanted.

And that's how KfW2 reacted at 7 PM on Friday night when we left the office with her list of things only 50% complete.

I'm not taking the blame here - KfW2's anger is centered on the co-worker.

Thankfully, this phase of the project is over - or will be in a few days. Then I get to take some time off. I've got 3 days of time worked up that I hope to take next weekend.

At the minute, with everything that's going on, I'm limping from one weekend to another, getting increasingly more stressed as the week gets on, then trying to relax at the weekend. But I kinda feel that the stress levels are still rising - the weekends are a minor respite only.

Both KfW2 and USHW have mentioned seeking help - talking to my GP or perhaps some sort of counselling. I don't know that I'm there yet, but if I don' t start getting some resolution to the various work problems that I've been facing over the past two months, then either or both of these options will have to be seriously considered.

Awww.

I don't know if it's the adverse weather or that her long-awaited working from home application has finally been approved, but Quiet Girl hasn't been in the office for a few days.

Shame, because the view when she goes to and from the kitchen to make tea is extremely agreeable.

All too predictable.

Number of people I might have met for coffee today: 1

Number of people I actually met for coffee today: 0

Number of people I asked to keep me up to date with coffee status: 1

Number of people that didn't keep me up to date with coffee status: 1

Same old, same old.

So, it's the evening of the day before I might meet CH for coffee. There's no snow where I am... yet. You'd think that CH should know by now if she's going to London, but I've not heard anything.

Like always, I can't help but feel like I am an afterthought or filling in a gap because something else has fallen through for CH. And just after she'd made me feel like she actually cared.

Sigh.

A few weeks ago, before KfW2 and I had a slight issue, I had volunteered to do her a favour. Babysit her kids when she went out with her husband for dinner.

That was yesterday. CC picked me up (KfW2 actually asked CC first, but CC won't do it on her own and I have to accompany her) and off we went, picking up KfW2's parents on the way.

On the way down, when KfW2's parents weren't in the car, CC moaned incessantly about  KfW2's kids.

"They're too young"
"They're a handful"
"I'm putting them to bed immediately"

I mean, FFS, if you don't want to babysit, then fucking don't.

She's done this before. KfW2's kids aren't bad kids. They are young, which can make them irritable when tired, but in general, it's just bags of energy that need to be controlled.

I barely said two words to KfW2 when I got into the house as she was running late (though not to the extent of her reputation). She shouted a quick 'goodbye' as she left, looking stunning as ever.

We put the kids to bed at their bedtimes and settled in in front of Netflix.

"I'm cold"
"Where's the live TV?"
"There's nothing to watch"
"Why is Aliens on Netflix? Netflix is shit."

Then later, after we'd watched a few movies and it had gone past midnight.

"I didn't sign on to be here after twelve."
"Text KfW2 and tell her to come home."
"It's late why aren't they home?"

It was incessant all night long. Like last time, she barely lifted a finger as I entertained the kids while they were awake. That's partly because KfW2's kids love me and CC is a relative stranger to them, but partly because CC doesn't want anything to do with them. I wonder why she offers to do the favours then bitch about it all the time while doing it.

Same old.

I got a text late last night from CH. She's been thinking about me recently and wants to meet for a coffee... if she's not in London.

This is in slight contrast to her previous promise, five weeks ago, that she'd call to see me (I assumed at my house). But it's completely in character for her. Over promise, under deliver on her terms. Given the circumstances surrounding our last communication, it's disappointing that she reverted back to type.

Still, I grumble, but it would be nice to see her.

Pondering. And more pondering. And some more for good measure.

Over the past few years, with various pieces of information coming my way, I've often wondered if I should be tested for autism. I've not read up on the subject as much as I perhaps should have, but there are different things that people have said, regarding their own experiences with autism, that definitely resonate.

A few years ago, Channel 4 did a night dedicated to autism and as part of that, there was a quiz. Answer questions - around 50 if I recall correctly - and it would give you a vague understanding of your own mind. As it happens, I scored enough to suggest that I was further into the autism spectrum than most, without actually scoring highly enough to recommend a proper test.

I've found it difficult pinning down actual characteristics, but I do, for example, tend to take a lot of things literally which can be a characteristic.

If things don't make sense, or I think they're wrong, then my brain hurts. Like trying to thread a needle with unsteady hands.

The recent performance review thing is a prime example. It's taken most of my focus over the past year, ensuring I'm ticking the right boxes to get a good score. My bosses say that our goals are SMART. If our goals are SMART then I have to score well, because I've ticked the boxes and other haven't. If I score well, then I get a good pay rise and a better bonus.

But my boss didn't score me based on SMART goals. He picked favourites and used gut feelings and that hurts my brain on top of making me frustrated and angry.

I don't know what a diagnosis would accomplish - it's not that I've been held back by who I am, if there is anything to diagnose, but it might explain a few things.

And it goes on...

I've posted recently that I'm working side-by-side with KfW2 on a big project. We're right in the middle of a time-critical period where we have to get a lot of work done, quickly.

As a result, I've effectively cancelled all my meetings this week. Nothing is more important, work-wise, than this project.

One such meeting was with someone in another department. I wasn't a required attendee, just optional, but I cancelled anyway.

"Sorry, I can't make this meeting. I have important things to do that must take priority."

My boss was not impressed.

"If you cancel a meeting, you must let me know."

FFS. He didn't arrange the meeting, so this request that I tell him if I cancel a meeting with someone else is fucking appalling. He also knows how important this work is.

Then, the meeting request came through for tomorrow. I was now a required attendee.

It's this kind of micromanagement that causes stress. I can't manage my own work and my boss is making stupid decisions because I cancelled today. Is this meeting time critical? No. Is this work important? No. Is this petulant? It feels like it.

Unanswered Questions

After a long period, I finally have the answer to something that's confused me. During a conversation about dating with IG:

IG: Not sure if he was considering a no strings situation, but I shut that down instantly.

Ruuude: Not your thing or not with him?

IG: Not my thing at all. Surprised you’d even have to ask that.

Ruuude: I'd assumed that was the case, but I can't claim to know you well enough to be able to say with absolute certainty.

And there we go. Reading back on IG's original message and it still gives off the impression of wanting to come to mine for sex. But it wouldn't have been no-strings and I could have found myself in another K situation.

Where does the time go?

I can't remember the exact date, but it was around this time of year, that I realised that FA2 was interested in me from a non-platonic perspective. There had been other fleeting thoughts maybe a year earlier, but I'd not really given them any thought and we hadn't really seen each other regularly enough to see if my hunch was right.

As I've no doubt explained before, I was out with BW and FA2, but I was trying to figure out what FA1's romantic status was. FA1 was someone I'd been trying to figure out for a while - at least a year. She obviously liked me at least platonically - she'd invited me to loads of parties at her student house. Though during the early days, she was involved with a bloke. But we did seem to have at least a little chemistry.

The boyfriend was soon kicked to touch for effectively being useless - spending too much time with his mates instead of FA1, arriving into social events completely wankered etc. Nice bloke, just too much of a student to be a serious boyfriend.

That evening, I was putting in some serious groundwork with FA1 when she let slip that she'd met a bloke. It was early days, but had potential. So, I gave up on the groundwork and just had some fun with her. Eventually, FA1 and her friends all left, leaving me, FA2 and BW.

We ended up going back to FA2's. I was quite drunk. When BW excused himself to use the toilet, FA2 suggested I sit beside her. Before I knew it, we were kissing. To say that BW was surprised on his return was an understatement. I was surprised!

It was nearly three months after this first time that we eventually became an item after quite a few mistakes from me.

Months again, after FA2 and I became official that I learned from a mutual friend that BW had the biggest crush on FA2.

That was twenty years ago, this year. Twenty years.