Tired.

It's been an eventful 24 hours. I got to indulge in my "women in scrubs" perving for reasons that I'll not go into at this point in time. Specifically, a stunning brunette doctor who I was talking to.

I was out with KfW2 and her workmates last night. It was a fun night. Some of her team can be a bit weird, but I was a big hit with the team's female members. I was in one of those moods where I was flirty, cheeky and confident, and I've no idea where that came from. No single women, though.

It was, perhaps unsurprisingly, KfW2 and I as the last people standing, and instantly the dynamic between us changed once the co-workers left for busses, trains and taxis. Where before, we were friendly, it became more tactile, close, and intimate, but in a completely platonic way. Not like it would have been with CH.

We found a quiet spot and chatted. KfW2 voiced concern that she was calling in too many favours. I repeatedly told her that we were friends, and not a series of transactions (which is true, even if I do sometimes complain about the books not balancing) and I would always help out where I can. And I pointed out a few times recently that she's done me a favour/given me advice. She really wasn't convinced though.

Then she asked me about being alone. And did I want to meet someone? A woman? And did I not want kids? And we talked about that for a bit as well, though I did have to remind KfW2 that we've had these conversations before. Sadly, she only had one suggestion: Plenty of Fish, which we've done before with no success, and she was that toasted, I bet she doesn't remember anyway.

It's a little disappointing that she hasn't remembered this from the times we've covered all this before, though she was drunk.

And I told her, with zero ambiguity, that I loved her and that her friendship was extremely valuable to me. A sentiment that she returned. We've said this to each other before, too.

It might only have been 45 minutes, but this is exactly the kind of thing that we haven't had in years. It only seems to happen in pubs, it doesn't happen when we're alone under other circumstances.

I also found a selfie that I took of us. It's out of focus (as was I, last night), but had it been in focus, it would have been a really nice photo of us both. However, I think it gives off the wrong vibe. It has a very couple-y feel to it.

On my way back home from the perving at cute doctors thing, I passed Attractive Neighbour in the street. A nod, a glimmer of recognition on her part and that was it. On any other day, I might have slowed to see if she'd stop for a chat, but I'm operating on three hours of sleep, a hangover that's threatening to kick in, being awake from 5 AM and wanted to get home.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I fear that the happenings will not end soon and it will be a long day.

Pleading.

KfW2 called. We chatted. It's her last day at work this week and she's having a night out to celebrate. She wants me to tag along. She was teasing me about it as I can't really confirm my attendance (my sister needs a hand with something this week and I don't know when), but I know KfW2. There was an undercurrent of something in the way she was playfully trying to guilt-trip me. Sometimes, she can be selfish, but it's obvious when that is. 

She really wants me to show up. I mean, she REALLY wants me to show up. I don't know why. This is not a leaving event for us. It's not goodbye. We'll see each other in the future and hopefully really soon for an adult evening out.

Is it a throwback to her breakdown at Christmas time? It'll be the same people in the pub. Maybe there's a nervousness about that?

I will turn up if I can, of course.

Paying dividends.

There was a meeting at work last week... company survey results are out. It's not good. Mid-grade, long-term employees (like me) are extremely unhappy.

It's all part of The Great Resignation, I think. My personal take on it is that I think there's a fatigue in play. Long-term employees are fed up with guff being added to our goals in the name of company culture. It sucks all the fun and value out of being involved in things like equality, innovation, training committees etc. I've been involved in all those things over the years, but I still see people like Brusque Guy get promotions for doing his core job and nothing more.

If I moved jobs to another company, I could get a 40% pay rise without breaking a sweat. However, the interview process will undoubtedly kill me, and I still haven't looked into the links that the attractive HR woman shared with me at the start of the year. 

I was contemplating asking for a raise in work and was planning on doing that this coming week until my boss reminded me that she's off for two weeks. It'll give me a chance to collate some information, have a chat with KfW2 and see if I can't prise some company information out of her (like the salary range for my grade).

I'll likely not get what I want (my gut reckons about 10% to be happy), but something would be nice. It's not a threat, either. Even if I were motivated, I'm months away from being in a position to apply for other jobs, so this is just a simple request that may drive other decisions.

But you gotta be in it to win it, right?

I think I'm awesome but...

I saw a quote on the internet last night that pretty much summed up my relationship with some people (CH, I'm thinking of you)

"My friends treat me like God. They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something."

We're all going on...

I was hoping that perhaps I could get a foreign holiday this year with FP. We've been chatting about it for a while, but FP is pessimistic. Flight prices are climbing, exchange rates are on the rise and even now, things like car rental prices are extortionate. Unless something changes in the next four weeks or so, then there'll be no foreign holiday for me this year.

I'm not like CC, who almost demands a foreign holiday several times a year just to lie on a sun lounger. But a change of scenery and doing something different in some guaranteed good weather would be very welcome for a number of reasons.

Planning.

For the first time in a few years, I'm hoping to get a few people out to the pub at the start of next month. I've got invites out to The Crowd, FP and KfW2, though KfW2 has already said that she can't make it as she's doing family stuff.

I'm hoping the rest of them will make it. No one's said "no" far apart from KfW2. It'd be great to get a big crowd out.

And, of course, my attempts to get KfW2 out separately have been thwarted by an almost constant series of family events that are blocking her calendar.

Role Model (cont'd)

Of course, as it seems to be these days, a few hours after making that last post, I see this one from the stunning Alexandra Daddario.

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Role Model

For the first time in a while, CH has posted on Facebook. It's a semi-humble brag. Or it might be a full-on brag.

She's bought a new car. I don't know if it's new or just to her. It's a fancy car. One of those "big name" sports cars that you might have aspired to as a youngster. She shows off two keyrings, one with a motivational quote, and the other, the car manufacturer's logo.

I'm not impressed.

I'm not impressed for a number of reasons. Firstly, I'm just not a car guy. If it gets you from A to B, then all's good. Secondly, I remember CH owning several cars, all of which needed expensive repairs, and often at times that coincided with socialising. Owning a more expensive car just makes the repairs more expensive.

Secondly, the inference that money = success. I know she now earns a lot of money. But so does KfW2 (or she will in a month's time when she starts her new job). And so does FP. And, well, so do a lot of my friends. I know CH's job takes her away from her family a lot more than her old job in my company... and she was very adamant that she was moving jobs initially for better money but better work/life balance, too.

And kinda lastly, there's a comment about being a good role model... but I'm struggling with that one too. She wasn't really a good friend - she was selfish and set in her ways (remember me bitching about trying to get her on her own for a chat over coffee?) She doesn't take criticism well. She doesn't appear to have too many close friends. If she's teaching that money equates to success, then I'm afraid I disagree. 

I advocate happiness. Do what you can to be happy, without fucking anyone else over.

I dunno; it's been seven years since we last had any meaningful communication. I feel irrationally angry over this. It's like she's mis-selling herself or boasting, or both. Maybe she is a good role model, but I'm not seeing it on Facebook, nor did my experiences with her, as a male friend, scream "good role model". People do this shit on social media all the time, so why is this post, in particular, pissing me off?

Memory-Dream

A bit of a not-quite-dream, not-quite-memory last night. It was about times that I turned down opportunities to sleep with crushes etc. the one that nearly always springs to mind is a night when FBS, QC2 and I shared a taxi home. If I recall correctly, this was the night that QC2 first hooked up with her now long-term partner. FBS was dropped off first. She asked me in for a drink and I declined. She got out.

As the taxi pulled away, QC2 punched me and told me that FBS wanted me to go back to hers.

"What?"

"She wanted you to go with her."

"I know. She asked me back for a drink."

"That's what she said, not what she meant."

I kinda knew what she'd meant. We'd slept together a few times at this stage. I can't remember why I didn't go back that specific evening. Probably part of it was my privacy. By getting out of the taxi, I'd be non-vocally admitting to QC2 that FBS and I were fucking, even though she knew anyway. There might have been an element of my crush on QC2, though I am struggling to remember if my brief time being physical with FBS overlapped with my crush on QC2.

But that was just one example of the semi-dream memories that I had this morning. Definitely more of a memory than a dream.

Quiet introspection (cont'd)

Of course, as soon as I post that last blog entry, then KfW2 texts and we swap a couple of messages and all of a sudden I'm not feeling as paranoid.

She did say that she was out for brunch (she's taking some personal time this week), so the other frustration about not getting her out socially (which was touched upon on Saturday night) resurfaces.

Quiet introspection.

Ever get the feeling you've committed some kind of faux pas, but can't actually figure it out? That's what I've been feeling this week after babysitting for KfW2 at the weekend.

She kindly paid for my taxi home, though I did try and turn down the money. It was my decision to go home rather than sleep over, so I was happy to accept the cost of the taxi. She wanted me to stay over, though.

I woke to a couple of WhatsApp messages on Sunday morning. The first was thanking me for babysitting and asking if I was OK. I was quiet, apparently. The second message was deleted.

It kinda annoyed me. KfW2 and I have had plenty of conversations about my social anxiety, and how I tend to sit on the sidelines of conversations when I feel out of my comfort zone. Saturday night was no exception. I was an outsider and everyone else was KfW2's family. 

While it was nice that she noticed that I was quiet, there was frustration that I had to explain, yet again, my social anxiety and introversion and that there wasn't anything wrong per se.

So that, plus the deleted message, has gotten me a little paranoid.

Window shopping.

I'm very bored, so I have been daydreaming about moving into a nice house. Then I progressed from day-dreaming and actually went to browse using a local property aggregator.

Stone me, if one of FA2's old houses wasn't up for sale. When we were dating, FA2 had two houses. The first was roughly a mile and a half from where I lived at the time - a three-storey, end terrace townhouse.

So I spent a pleasant few minutes looking at the photos, reminiscing about the fun times. Four bedrooms, two reception rooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, a hallway and two sets of stairs, all of which were put to good use.

A short while, probably two months, after we started dating, she sold this house and moved into her last home, back in the area she wanted to live most... which was five minutes walk away.

I've never seen this other, second house on the market, but I'd have similar memories, if so, and it'd be nice to see the inside of it now bearing in mind how much work I put into it. How much would it have changed?

Lookalikes

I think that I've posted before about my early/first crushes. I've specifically called out a cute brunette who I recall had pixie features and I think I've mentioned another brunette who, in my head, resembled Cristin Milioti.

There was another girl, a blonde girl. She was the one the other boys were interested in. We connected a few years back on Facebook (I'm also friends with the pixie girl on Facebook, but the Cristin Milioti lookalike doesn't seem to be on social media). There was talk of a primary school reunion, but it never really got any traction.

Anyway, surfing the internet earlier and this picture of Donna Air was posted. And blimey, if she isn't the spitting image of my blonde school chum.

Sigh (Part 2)

Yeah, so I called KfW2 to tell her I could do some babysitting. Yes. I know. I'm a sucker for a pretty face. Or the fact she's a friend that I care for and won't see a friend in need. I still can't shake something though - the frustration or disappointment that it's taken so long to get her out.

She dropped another comment - she's going out tonight for a birthday party. Then she drops it...

"I just can't face going out any more"

Instantly, I wonder if that's why she's been so hard to pin down and even then, when I do get her to talk about a night out, that she only ever considers her local bar.

I'm probably over-thinking this, and I'm sure some of it is related to the lockdown of the past few years plus her mental health issues that I mentioned before, but it's frustrating to have this stuff brought up as a throwaway comment in a completely different conversation... much like the way she casually mentioned that she had plans for the evening of 11th June, thus rendering our own tentative plans moot, when we were talking about work.

Still, it could all fall through. She hasn't actually booked a table for the event tomorrow.

Sigh.

You can guess what's going to happen here, can't you?

I pinged KfW2 to start gauging our night out. The current, pencilled-in, date is June 11th. Now, you all know that this is a night out that I've been trying to arrange with KfW2 since January and there haved been numerous rain checks. In reality, it's been much longer, but I can't really count the two years of Covid lockdown, can I?

So, it was entirely unsurprising when KfW2 made herself unavailable even before I got a chance to talk about going out. She's made other arrangements and I really do think she's forgotten about our tentative plans. Sigh.

But, wait! There's more! Could I babysit this weekend? She's got a birthday thing to attend and she has no other babysitters she can count on. I love her kids and I have no other current plans. But part of me feels that I keep doing shit like this while she continues to forget about our tentative plans and it's been years since we last had a night out together.

That's put me into an immediate funk - I'm really disappointed. It's not either of the incidents, but rather the combo.

I mean, I'll probably end up doing it, but I can already hear USHW in my ear telling me I'm a sucker for a pretty face or suggesting that I let KfW2 get away with an awful lot (she's not wrong).

Walky and talky.

The weather was nice, so I went for a walk with Nerdy Girl. From an exercise point of view, it was great. I walked just over six miles (though due to a GPS failure it's only recorded as 5 miles). We did our usual route of going from CB Bar, through a local park, out to some tourist attractions and back again.

But part of the conversation we had was Nerdy Girl teasing me about my anxiety from last year. I was facing potential redundancy last year and interviews were causing panic attacks. I was sharing this with NG who was laughing.

Interesting. I called her on it.

"I'm not entirely impressed that you're finding my anxiety issues funny. I was stressed out for pretty much all of last year."

I think it hit her when I said that. I've often mentioned anxiety issues, especially around interviews and stuff. She apologised immediately and that was that.

So, six miles later... more blisters. I've tried different shoes and socks and I still get blisters. Maybe it's just the distance and my feet are broken?