Oh FFS.

Suffice to say that it didn't take long for the first (and hopefully only) flaw to be found. Typically, it was just as I was starting to feel less anxious and looking forward to a few days off. So instead of leaving the office at 5 PM for a relaxing weekend, it was near 7 PM before I left and I'm back to being stressed out again.

The timing was interesting - I'd literally just sent my email to my remote boss, detailing all the stuff I was dealing with, when the report came in. I'm back in the office on Tuesday, but our next chat isn't due until Wednesday.

It'll be interesting to see how that goes and how much attention that remote boss has been paying. As I implied in my email, while there have been issues, they are a result of poor management rather than carelessness on my part, though they were avoidable.

A few months ago, my remote boss told me that we were a team player. We did what it takes to get the job done. Well, I did that, and flaws are slipping through the net. It's not just me - other people aren't doing their job. Funny how, as a team player, remote boss seems to single out individuals for criticism without ever giving any credit.

Fingers crossed.

I'm hoping that the stresses of the past five months are now over. The latest project has been delivered and while I expect flaws to be found, I can at least say that it's not because of a lack of effort or quality on my part.

I spoke to one of my local managers today about the situation with the remote guy and I believe I have a direction. I've sent an email that explains how stressed I am, why I believe I'm stressed, where I could have done better around this (communication, mainly) and yet state that despite all that, I've actually done well in difficult circumstances. There are undercurrents to it - my boss needs to be more aware of what's going on etc. but I'm hoping that it starts a conversation.

In other news, which may or many not be related to the work stuff, I've recently noticed a bit of hair loss. It seems to be quite obvious in some lighting conditions but not in others. Sadly, hair loss is not a trait that runs in either side of my family, so if it's genetic rather than stress related, then it's yet another physical condition that I seem to have picked up from nowhere that doesn't affect anyone else in the family.

Oh and I arrived home to a card from Royal Mail. Someone has tried to deliver something, but I wasn't in and it's too big for my letter box. Has my dream come true and Jessica Alba has mailed herself to me?

Oh dear

Suffice to say that the recent stresses have meant that my fitness plans have stalled. The progress that I'd made are still there - the water drinking and a few minor tweaks, but there's no other way to say it... I'm comfort eating. I can point to the empty packet of Oreos as evidence.

Arguably I have been for some time - possibly since the end of last year. I'm only realising that now though as the full extent of how stressed I have been has become clear over the past few days.

I know that doing more exercise will help manage the stress but the motivation is simply not there by the time I get home from work. It's a mental block that I've simply got to overcome.

Grrr... (Part 4)

Off this post, my manager and I had another meeting. He never mentioned my time keeping (I have a sneaking suspicion that my local manager might have said something), but we did get onto the issues he keeps seeing. They aren't issues per se. It seems that he and I have a differing opinion about how I go about things. I don't think I'm making bad judgement calls, just that they're different to his, and often without as much information that he has access to.

When we had the meeting on Wednesday, I'd had two "issues" against my name. One of them, you could chalk down to, well, I don't want to say carelessness, but it was avoidable. The other was due to having incorrect/incomplete information. There was an undercurrent from him that I can't afford to have too many more. However, potentially one cropped up yesterday. It was pretty inevitable - it was a large project, big enough for two people, though my partner was removed to satisfy a HIGHER UP's request and timelines weren't adjusted, so rushing to get 11 weeks of work done in 7 weeks meant that it was likely that something was going to give.

It's annoying because I can't remember the last time, before he took over, that I had one, if ever. It's been a bad six months, but mainly for reasons that he is control of and all stems from one or two decisions made around Christmas.

In isolation, without context, having three issues in six months is pretty poor. But with context - mopping up other people's errors, doing eleven weeks worth of work in less than seven weeks, having focus taken away from my priorities by my manager, who expects me to do something else because of the HIGHER UPS etc. then I think I've done OK this year so far.

I'm trying to be realistic. I've said OK - I'm not claiming that I've done brilliantly. I've felt that I've been fire-fighting this year - reacting to changes and demands rather than being able to sit down and just do my job - and that's been hugely stressful. 

KfW2 asked me to go to hers on Friday night for dinner. It's an invite she's made once or twice before. I've always suspected that she had ulterior motives for doing so, and this time was no exception. I think she maybe had seen how stressed I am and wanted to talk.

We had a quick drink after work and headed to hers. There was nothing special, no ulterior motive, nothing out of the ordinary happened, but it was one of the best nights I've had in months because for the four or five hours I was at KfW2's house, I switched off. I didn't think about work or the stressful projects or manager... and it was brilliant.

When she called yesterday, I told her as much and explained the reasons why.

It only dawned on me on Saturday morning that I had switched off, and that made me a little sad. Partly because I can't turn it off ordinarily - I know I'm good at my job, the mistakes/issues do annoy me, though I still think my manager is over-reacting. It's also partly because I come home to an empty house and the stress doesn't go away... and that's a loneliness issues cropping up again.

A lot of this stuff I should be bringing up with my boss, but after many emails that seem to be over-reacting, I simply feel that I can't talk to him, nor do I think he will listen.

I will try and get some time with one of the local managers as soon as possible this coming week, to talk to them for some advice. I feel like I've been on edge since January, getting worse since the first 'rant' in March and, as to paraphrase the comic book/film character Blade, like I've been ice-skating uphill.

Not spotted today...

...CH!

The run has come to an end after two days and my daydream of meeting her each day with things going a little further than the last, culminating in us screwing each other's brains out has fallen apart.

Ah well.

Spotted again today...

the lesser seen CH!

This is a bit familiar. When did this last happen?

This time, however, I approached her. We were in the same shop, after all. We had a chat, walking around the shop, paying for our purchases and walking back to our respective offices. It was nice talking to her again. And appreciating her rack, of course.

As we parted ways, she suggested we meet for a coffee. I, once again, left everything in her court as she's always more busy than I am. I doubt we'll have that coffee though.

Grrr... (Part 3)

Following on from this post, I thought things had calmed down with a manager in work. That is, until I arrived in on Monday to a series of increasingly angry emails that had been sent on Friday afternoon.

I wasn't around. I had left at 3 PM, having completed both my hours and tasks for the week mainly due to having to work until 9 PM on Tuesday because someone else wasn't doing their job. This is all within my company's guidelines about flexible working.

The emails weren't about my timekeeping, but rather something I was assigned a few weeks ago. I had put it on the back burner due to other, more urgent, issues that I was working on. But my manager needed an update. I wasn't giving it the urgency he had dictated, he said. In fact, he hadn't dictated ANY urgency and I had made a judgement call based on my own observations.

He eventually admitted that I had made the right call, but that because the request had originated from a HIGHER UP, that it was automatically more important and that I should have been providing regular updates.

He's wrong, mostly, but you can't tell him that. There was no decision I could have made that wouldn't have come back to bite me in the arse, but because I had included a local manager, he couldn't give me random abuse as he had done last time.

He had made a rather snooty comment about wanting to talk about my time keeping. Our next scheduled meeting is tomorrow. The thing I don't think he realises is that everyone in my company operates the same way - it's the company policy after all. Any criticism to come to me should be directed to everyone. I don't think he'll like it when I tell him that, though.

I feel like I'm busting my gut, taking on extra things to prove my worth and get a pay rise and show flexibility, but not get the recognition for it for no reason at all.

Things might need to get escalated.

Spotted today...

...the lesser seen CH!

She was walking around the city centre, on her own. She was across the street and if I hadn't had my own errands to run, I'd have gone to talk to her.

I'd have liked to, especially after the recent series of dreams, but time was against me.

Goal getting.

I've mentioned it once before, in my goals post for this year, but I've taken the decision to start a Freeletics programme. This looks to be more intensive than the yoga that I've been doing, but it also comes with a nutrition plan.

It's this latter aspect that's the most interesting and appealing to me. The nutrition aspect was the bit that always got me confused when I tried to do research. I know the basic maths involved in calorie intake/deficit, but I need actual advice around food, recipes etc. which I believe that this programme will offer.

It's also seems to be quite cheap. For example, it's roughly £50 for three months. That's much cheaper than a gym membership and personal trainer, for what appears to be a similar service. I'm led to believe that it's a mostly automated system rather than having an actual person assigned to look after me, though.

I've reached out to a few sources for further information, but I could sign up within the next few days if I get the answers I require.

More dreams.

The sleepless nights continue. Or rather, not having a full night's sleep. I'm waking around three or four times a night, but I can't figure out why. I can turn over and get to sleep again, but it's more an inconvenience than anything.

Last night was no different, and there's yet another dream that I can remember, featuring both CH and KfW2. This time the three of us were in the pub, making plans. A good night was had by all, then we went back to CH's house as we were partying in her town. I woke the next morning to find KfW2 and I sleeping in the same bed. We were fully clothed, but wrapped around each other - however, it was completely platonic. CH cooked breakfast and KfW2 and I left afterwards.

Again, it provoked a pang of loneliness.

Sports Girl was suggesting that we did some dating nights together. It's a good idea, but SG is flaky. She said that she'll sort it all out, but I suspect that it will fall by the wayside. I wouldn't do it by myself, so if she doesn't arrange it, then it's not gonna happen.

There was a semi-drunken Facebook chat with IG on Friday who was on a date last night, but there was a comment she'd made about the person she wanted to ask her out, hadn't.

That goes back to a drunken set of texts IG sent a about a month ago. I'm wondering if they're related and she's hinting to me.

IG is a nice girl, but there's no attraction there...

Sigh.

The dreams, or rather, remembering dreams is coming thick and fast these days. Last night's was a little on the weird side. Without going into detail it involved JB asking me to be her gym buddy as she was getting beach ready. I refused, for reasons I can't remember. Cut to later when JB and KfW2 (who ended up being her gym buddy) are showing off their abs. Mmm... girls with abs.

This then seemed to segue into some kind of Pirates of the Caribbean adventure (complete with Jack Sparrow) that somehow involved zombies and machine guns.

Then I woke up.

Then KfW2 was in contact in work to let me know she wasn't going to make our work event tonight. I was disappointed. Today was chosen specifically because she had a babysitter, but as she's been running around this week after her eldest son (who's got no life skills), it was inevitable that she would work from home today and that would scupper her socialising.

But then she let slip that she and her friend downed over three bottles of wine yesterday and that she was massively hungover today and this, in fact, was the reason she won't come out tonight.

It's not often I'm actually angry at/with KfW2, but this is definitely one of those times.