Out of the blue (cont'd)

Imagine my surprise when I logged on to Facebook just now, only to see from Facebook memories, that it's 11 years ago to the day that E3 made her move. There is part of me that thinks I was an idiot not to follow up on that, despite turning her down/playing dumb at the time.

Out of the blue

A somewhat confusing dream last night, not due to the subject, but more about who was featured. I don't remember many of the details. I semi-recall running around either naked or only in my underwear for reasons that are unclear. I might have been with KfW2, searching for something. And then it turned sexual with first E3, then Near Miss and finally FBS.

E3 is the confusing one here. I've not thought about her in years, and I've never thought about her sexually, even though she did come on to me at M's birthday party one night. Similarly, Near Miss is someone I've not thought about in years, though I did try to bed her, only to be denied at the last minute by MfW.

FBS is not surprising, given that until recently, I've wondered about how tactile she's been when we've been on our nights out (and her lack of touching any of the other guys) and she's featured on other sexually-driven dreams before.

But, yeah, E3 is a confusing one.

Yawn.

I don't know what it is, but I've been so tired over the past week or so. I suspect it might be at least partially linked to my unhappiness with work at the minute that's causing a little stress and anxiety. I've yet to sit down and decide what it is I want to do, and how to go about it.

Sigh.

Semi-related to yesterday's post, I'm having further concerns about work. I've now finished for the week having done a long Monday and Tuesday because I was in the office (I try to come in early and leave late to avoid traffic, and attendance was mandatory) and had a 7 AM start this morning due to work. So by lunchtime, I'd done my hours for the week.

This has been a rough pattern for me for years. Usually, though, I would finish mid-afternoon rather than lunchtime. I would send an email letting everyone know I was logging off and that would be it. Until a few weeks ago when my manager mentioned it in a 1-2-1. Now, she didn't have a problem with it herself... but it was a co-worker who was trying to IM me, who hadn't read his emails.

I knew nothing about this. There was no email on the following Monday, no missed IM conversation... it all felt like my co-worker was pissed about something that I simply can't put my finger on.

"In future, ask your co-worker if anything needs doing before you leave," advised my manager.

This is over-management and unnecessary. I shouldn't (and won't) ask a co-worker if I can log off, having done my hours for the week. If this continues to be a problem, then I'll have to have a chat with my manager. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm not particularly optimistic.

Sleepless nights.

Rather than go for a walk, Nerdy Girl and I went to a local bar and played pool. She's good company, and while I would have preferred a walk, it's at least getting me out of the house.  I've been more social this month than in any other since before the first Covid lockdown. And it turned out to be an eventful few hours where we couldn't decide if the two girls at the table next to us were on a date or not (we eventually decided that they were but there was no chemistry), Nerdy Girl's extremely well-paid new job and other, general, work-related stuff.

What was probably most surprising was that, during the chat about work, I realised that I am extremely unhappy in my current job. I'm not 100% sure about one of my co-workers. He's terse to the point of being rude, and I can't shake the feeling he doesn't like me. That could be true, it could be paranoia. There's also now an on-call requirement for the job that didn't exist last year, and the compensation for that is laughably insulting. There's also the fact that I've been feeling, for the past few years, that it's time to move into something new, rather than the same thing I've been doing for the past 13 years. And potentially some imposter syndrome, as well.

That's carried into today rather than being a fleeting feeling. It might also be a symptom of having really poor sleep this week. Four nights in a row, I've not had a decent night's sleep. It's all dozing, followed by tossing and turning for a while then more dozing. When I'm tired, I am a lot more emotional, so it could be that. Regardless, professionally speaking, I'm not in a good place right now.

Oh, and Nerdy Girl asked me to take one of her friends out on a pity date. We talked through it. I didn't say "yes", but I also didn't say "no" either. I've mentioned before that I don't do blind dates, even though this wasn't a proper date per se but more a practice date like the one MM asked me to do ages ago. From my perspective, it's left up ion the air. I dunno if Nerdy Girl assumes it's a hard "no", but I'll address it if it comes up again.

Going out.

I've just gotten a message from G. He's home this weekend, so we're going to meet. It might be more than once, too. It looks like we have something on for Saturday night, plus we might also arrange to meet for a drink on Sunday, and invite M and FP along.

This is good, because I've been trying to be more social. I was out twice last week, on separate occasions, with BR and KfW2. I'm meeting Nerdy Girl tonight for a walk and chat, and now G this weekend. It's been a good month, so far.

Just one kiss

Another bit of a mish-mash dream last night. I dreamt that I was in New Zealand, with FA2. I was living with her, we were in a relationship, and I was out and about, not really doing anything. Who should I bump into but CH. I don't know what she was doing in New Zealand, but immediately all the stuff between us was right there. The cheekiness, the surreptitious touching... everything.

Except there was no one around for her to hide her touching, so she got increasingly more bold as we talked... and yet, as in the real world, something was holding her back. CH pulled me into a hug, but she wouldn't let go. Eventually, it was too much for me. I went in for the kiss and she backed off immediately.

She never explained why she backed off, just that she did. She made her excuses and left.

There were other parts to the dream, but they feel unimportant. It was this position that I remembered upon waking this morning.

I do miss CH sometimes, though I've not thought of her in quite a while, and how our friendship ended will always sadden me. Her inability to take criticism was probably always going to have an impact on our friendship.

And the New Zealand setting of the dream also gave me some wanderlust. I'd love to go travelling again.

Traditional.

Usually, around this time of year, I'd arrange to meet The Crowd for drinks and shenanigans. However, it's all been deathly silent this year. I don't know if this is a hangover from Covid and that all the stuff I/we did before March 2020 just needs some prompting to start back up again or if Covid just brought a hard stop to some things.

I know, for example, that GM has pretty much gotten himself a new social circle by doing new things. FC and Mrs FC have always been difficult to get a hold of, and S has just always been flaky. But you'd still think that traditions might have made it through.

out out

After seeing one of my old crushes last night, I was tempted to reach out to D, FBS and Friction Guy to see if they'd like to meet for drinks. It's been about six months since we last met, and I have made a small goal of trying to get out of the house more. And what better excuse than to meet friends?

Originally, it was suggested that we meet on the 31st of this month, but I actually have a work thing that night.

So, ramping up the social life.

Back in Time.

So, for the first time in a long time, I can genuinely say that I've done something interesting recently. At the weekend, I was out with KfW2 and we did something interesting and fun. Then we had dinner and drinks.

Last night, I was out at an event with BR, M, MM and others. It was great to see BR and his wife because I've not seen them since pre-Covid times.

Also in attendance were two of BR's friends. One of them, a brunette woman, was someone I had a crush on back in the day. It used to be that when I was working with D, FBS, Friction Guy etc. we would regularly drink in the same bar. I think I've posted before about how we used to bump into QC1 and her friends when we were out.

In fact, it got to the point where if I was passing by and nipped in for a quick pint on my way somewhere else, I'd likely bump into someone I knew. BR's two friends were two such people - they were inseparable. The brunette was quiet, so I found it hard to get a read on her. In fact, it was a random night out with Friction Guy, when we ended up back at their house, drunk, waiting for a taxi, that it transpired that Friction Guy had dated the brunette. And just like that... the crush was gone because I try not to knowingly date someone's, a friend's, ex, even if it wasn't that serious.

But the two girls were out last night, and the brunette is still attractive, many years later.

Just for me

So, just to cheer me up, here are some pics of some of Ruuude's favourite celebs.

First off, Alexandra Daddario wearing a backless dress. I'm sure I've posted before about how much I love a woman in a backless dress.

Anna Kendrick

Alison Brie

Morena Baccarin

Easing off.

So, surprisingly, the roofer turned up today, completely unexpectedly. They fixed the leak and went on their way. Apparently, it was unrelated to the work done in January, and it didn't cost THAT much, but from what the guy told me, I think it really should have been spotted and fixed the first time around.

The loneliness has eased slightly, but the desire to meet someone has not diminished and the memory of KfW2's physical contact (hugs, linked arms etc.) is still fresh, kinda like it was for a few days after meeting Chloe.

In addition, there seemingly was a work incident yesterday, but no one called me. So, I spent all last week being stressed about being within 30 mins of my laptop and the night out with KfW2 and it didn't seem to matter. I tried reaching out through some back channels to find out if this was a deliberate move or an oversight, but I've not gotten an answer yet.

Oh. Monday Blues.

I don't know if it was the huge amount of gin that I drank on Saturday evening or finally getting the night out with KfW2, some other factor or a combination of everything, but I felt really lonely all day yesterday. I think it's been building for a while, to be honest, but I think getting out with KfW2 was a trigger. A reminder of pre-Covid times, a friend who genuinely cares and a desire to meet someone new.

It was a busy week as well. I was on-call with work, so strictly speaking I had to be within 30 mins of my laptop at any time. That restricted me to an extent, and I had to get a timeout from work specifically for going out with KfW2. That stressed me out somewhat.  The last time something like that happened, it ended up going really badly. The leak in my roof, which I thought had been fixed, came back on Thursday evening. Despite calling the roofer who did the work (it has a 6-month guarantee), I've yet to hear back from him. That's going to fuck with my social anxiety for a while.

However, on the plus side, I'm meeting BR and his wife tomorrow (other people like M and MM could be there, too). I have Friday off work, and I might be out for a few beers on Thursday evening.

I'm still feeling it a bit now, but I don't know how much of that is just Monday Blues.

Happy (part 2)

I touched upon this in my last post, but I guess that it's something I wanted to call out specifically. When I pointed out that it had been years since we last did one of our nights out, KfW2 pointed out that I attended her leaving drinks last year and it was just the two of us at the very end. I inferred from this that she doesn't really see this as being any different to us arranging specifically to spend time together. But I viewed... view these as being important to me - neutral territory, a version of privacy and a chance to talk openly.

It struck me that this was part of the issue I had with CH. I simply couldn't get her on her own when I needed or wanted to have a private chat. However, I do realise that there were other things at play with CH: lust on my part, something non-platonic on hers plus some kind of hesitation at having a single male friend and spending time alone with said friend.

But, as I said in my last post, I want to see more of KfW2 this year. That will mean times when her kids and/or hubby will be present, but I will also want to go to dinner/extended lunch with her and talk privately, too.

Happy

At last, KfW2 and I had our long-awaited night out last night, and seeing her was absolutely brilliant. I arrived at hers, played with her kids for an hour while she got ready, and it was tremendous to see them too.

There was a small element of frustration. the event we were attending was only meant to last a few hours and it started early. But KfW2 never suggested that we might do something afterwards. I mean, this was her evening, so I expected a little organisation.

That aside, apart from a small period where we went to one of KfW2's local bars, it was a great night. I don't know what it was... I didn't really like the place, though I would struggle to explain why. I went quiet. On more than one occasion, KfW2 threatened that if I didn't start talking, she'd get me up to dance. And yet, I simply couldn't start a conversation.

Once we left the pub and were walking back to KfW2's, the conversation just flowed again. Really weird.

We did discuss the fact that we'd not had a night out in ages. Well, I discussed it because I wanted it out there. Even with a three-year hiatus due to Covid, it's still far too long for close friends to socialise together, in my opinion.

KfW2 suggested that we had done so, last year, for her leaving drinks. And I disagreed, offering that a 20-minute period at the end of the night, when she could barely stand, didn't really count.

I don't know that I got my point across, and earlier in the evening, she had mentioned that not only is she going on a weekend away with CC, but there's an imminent spa day as well. I did suggest that getting to see her more often was something I wanted to do this year.

All-in-all though, I had a really great night. It was, of course, brilliant to get KfW2 out (strictly speaking she got me out) on her own, and I hope that's something we do more often this year. I'll certainly be making more effort and possible being a little more direct, too.

Handily enough.

Liverpool FC have just beaten Man Utd 7 - 0 which, as a Liverpool supporter, I am absolutely delighted about. During the discussion after the match had ended, there was a previous football match between the two teams mentioned, and I thought that I had blogged about this before as it had raised a memory. I can't find it though.

The match in question took place in January 1994. The memory it raised was of a night out... a date actually... with CAB. She was a Manchester United fan. We knew nothing of the football result until it was over, having spent the night in a dark corner of a pub with our hands all over each other and kissing.

Except, that memory has to be incorrect. The dates don't match up. The football match in question was Tuesday 4th January 1994. I didn't meet CAB until the start of March that same year, so I couldn't have been in the pub, feeling her up.

Don't get me wrong, the only detail about the memory that's incorrect is the date. I think! There were plenty of nights, Wednesdays IIRC, where we did meet after work, sit in a dark corner of a quiet pub and do a bad job of keeping our hands off each other.

Just talking.

Despite watching me for pretty much the entirety of our 13-year (and counting) friendship, KfW2 often forgets about my social anxiety issues. She's seen me be awkward and quiet in groups of strangers, large and small. I've spoken at length about my shyness on top of other social anxiety issues and I've touched upon, though not gone into any detail about, my introversion.

So, it was a bit of a surprise when KfW2 followed up a text message with a phone call last evening. We spent most of the 45-minute call talking about her upcoming week, a training course and meeting new people. She cited her own social anxiety and how it's affected her recently. We'd talked about it before, but it seemed a lot less impactful than my own. I've seen her in groups of people and she always seemed at ease meeting new people.

Last night, though, painted a new picture. Per her admission, it seems that she's as bad as I am, or nearly as bad. If she were as bad as I am, she'd still be working alongside me on a daily basis. However, I don't want to turn this into a "who's worse?" competition. We're due to actually meet in person to do fun stuff next weekend, and I hope it's something we can maybe go to a pub, sit in a corner and talk about in more detail.

Coincidence.

It was only as recently as yesterday when I posted about seeing women pop up repeatedly on online dating apps like Tinder. Well, as coincidence would have it, the blonde Emma Willis lookalike popped up today. She's still very pretty, but she still managed to hit the heights of a picture she posted a few years ago with a short, bob-like haircut that really showed off her eyes.

Fair play to her, though. As I think I've said before, she's one of a few people who seem to have a completely new set of photos every time she makes an appearance. There are women on Tinder who are still using the same three photos from six years ago.

"Please, sir..."

While reviewing my finances for last month I realised that I was a little bit poorer than I had expected. Sadly, it didn't take too long to figure out as the words "JustEat" were very prevalent on my bank statement. Admittedly, it's not all takeaways, but I had gotten into the habit of ordering a coffee/breakfast on a Monday and a Friday. It all soon adds up.

So, I have a short-term goal for this month to cut down on the number of takeaways I get in, including coffee, especially when I'm planning on buying a new PC which is not going to be cheap.