Sigh.

It's easy to tell when things are bad for me - my posting here drops considerably. And I mean "bad" bad. Not bad in a "I wish RB would contact me" bad.

And as you can now infer, I'm not a happy bunny at the moment. It's pretty much nearly all professional, too. KfW2 getting a new job is part of it (or rather, the fallout of her getting a new job). Stalky Guy and his friend AKA The Chosen Ones have been singled out for a promotion (for one of them at least), which isn't really deserved, but one of them could see a 10% pay rise. I've spent the last few years trying to catch up with them in terms of grade and salary, with no "luck" because these two have been in the spotlight for too long.

Meanwhile, I had been advised to cancel PTO this week to make up for the fact that KfW2 has left, nearly half of 2018 has been spent working long hours to did numerous un-missable deadlines and I need a rest. It took only 30 minutes on Monday morning for the previous week's rest to be undone.

In trying to explain to KfW2 that I was still tired, stressed and panicking because of this workload, I think arrived in this morning to an email from her telling me that she didn't like feeling that she had left me "in the lurch". She hasn't - it's my boss's fault that we're in this position and it's up to him to sort out. But, it only takes the perception of criticism (from a professional standpoint) to send KfW2 over the edge.

She'll laugh off criticism of her time-keeping and her ways will remain unchanged, but suggest that she might have done something wrong in work and she will spend weeks proving you wrong.

And that's tiring in itself, but no-one's listening.

KfW2 has known for months that I've been finding things tough, but it never seems to sink in.

I'm having trouble getting out of bed, I explain. Not because I am tired (though I am am mentally exhausted), but because literally, some days, I cannot face work I explain to her. And that's because I am fed up of busting my balls for zero recognition (see above). I don't think she realises the implications of that.

I explain to my boss that I'm on the verge of a panic attack because of the magnitude of the task ahead of me with KfW2's promotion. He sits three metres away - he cannot have failed to hear the hysteria in my voice when I was manic. But his response it to tell me how important this task is, how it has to go well, how it's all on me. It's the very opposite of managing my stress - he's added to it.

Explaining to my boss in a separate meeting that I have far too many deadlines, too much work and not enough time to be able to take (well-earned) PTO. His response is that one of the deadlines I mention has been changed. He's ignored the fact that I've only taken 5 days of leave this year, and he's just implied that he asked me to cut short my PTO by almost half.

I'm not understating these things. I did say those exact things to KfW2. I did have those conversations with my boss using that language (manic, hysteria etc.) and yet they just look at me.