"How's the love life?"

This blog post caught my eye earlier while I was bored: Things you need to stop saying to single people on "No bad dates, just good stories". 

To be honest, I've been critical of dating blogs in the past, not specifically on here, but in conversations with others - specifically KfW2 and USHW. I've often found that dating blogs tend to be a bit Cosmo-esque with their advice pieces. This struck a chord though - a lot of them were extremely accurate. Go off and have a look at the blogger's post to see what she has to say. I've "borrowed" the ones that I hear most often with my own comments (I've left the original blogger's order in for reference).

1. "So… are you seeing anyone? How’s the love life?"

G is probably the biggest culprit here and he mainly asks on behalf of his wife. Years ago, the answer was "Same old. Not really looking, not not looking". That was my mantra since my early twenties. Now the answer is "Same old..." then let it trail off. Why trail off? Because if I don't, I end up in a conversation where a lot of the following questions and comments come up.

Of course, it's partly my fault. I could take a simple step and use this as an opportunity to voice my unhappiness, but it's only really G and KfW2 who ask... and KfW2 knows my relationship status, she simply doesn't like me being in a funk. G, living in London, is not really in a position to offer any real help, so I don't bother opening up.

3. “Have you tried online dating?”

Unless someone specifically asks, I don't tend to admit to it. It's not the stigma that was once attached to it, it's my success rate that stops me from admitting anything...

"Have you tried online dating?"
"Yes. Yes I have."

"What happened? Any luck?"

"Well, long story short... over half a dozen different memberships across three or four sites where I've messaged well in excess of three hundred women, I managed to get a handful of replies that led to exactly one date."

"You must be doing something wrong!"

"I've explored as many possibilities as I can. I've tried all the advice I can find online. I've had serious profiles, flippant ones, silly ones, long ones, short ones, blank ones. I've tried as many different combinations in opening messages, all included a question, where possible, directly related to their own profiles to show I was paying attention and not spamming people. All my memberships had photos as well."

"..."

"And despite living in modern times, online dating is simply an extension of the real world. Women tend not to make the first move."

4. “The right person will come along when you least expect it.”

"Do you remember what I used to say when you asked about my dating? 'Not really looking, not not looking'? I've tried the 'laissez faire' attitude. It's not exactly paying dividends."

KfW2 has, unfortunately, used this as recently as a few weeks ago.

6. “I think you’re just not putting yourself out there enough.”

Of all the things to say, this is probably the one that's most accurate. When out socially, with GM or S, for example, we tend to be very insular. Chat and banter amongst ourselves. I rarely notice people who're not in our group. Add to the fact that while I'm a lot more confident in myself than I was in my late 20s, I'm still incredibly shy and speaking to new people can be very stressful for me (never mind actually trying to approach someone 'cold' with a view to chatting them up).

7. “Perhaps you’re being too picky.”

Am I? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Personally, my opinion has always been that I am attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. It's easy to be dismissive online, looking at a profile picture and a couple of lines of standard text ("I like going out but sometimes curling up on the sofa with a glass of red wine"). I also know that seeing the same people in real life can often have a different outcome - I've seen and spoken to a couple of women that I'd not really been that interested in when I saw their profiles on Tinder or PoF. Even DSC, while not being romantically interesting, was interesting enough to get to know socially.

8. “I don’t even know why you’re single, you’re such a catch.”

OK, that's nice of you to say, but if I were such a catch, why don't you invite your available, cute friends out so we can see if we hit it off? I don't do blind dates, but I'll meet the people you bring out.

You can look back at the posts I've made over the years about the perceived lack of effort my friends have put in from AM twenty years ago to both CH and KfW2 more recently. They've talked the talk, but no-one has ever come up with the goods.

To be honest, having trawled through my female friends Facebook pages, there aren't an awful lot of friends of friends that would immediately stand out - MMBF and CB being the exceptions... and possibly an old university friends of my sister's.

10. “I really miss being single.”

"I really miss being with someone. Are we even now?"

Grin.

I was in playful form at the weekend, enjoying my sister's hospitality and a few sports results. As I went to fetch another beer, I noticed my eldest nephew was chatting to some of his friends via Kinect in the warm up to some gaming.

I burst into the room, my t-shirt pulled above my head.

"Who wants to see my belly?" I shouted.

My two youngest nephew and niece laughed uncontrollably. The eldest, however, walked out of the room.

I returned to the sofa and continued watching TV. About thirty minutes later, my brother-in-law marched into the room with eldest nephew in tow. Eldest nephew had something to say to me, but he wouldn't spit it out. After about five minutes of cajolling from his dad (who had been told the problem), he eventually admitted that he was annoyed that I'd showed him up in front of his mates... that they were laughing at him.

I don't believe that they were - they were laughing at me playing the clown, but he's always been overly sensitive. However, I gave my apology and that was that.

In itself, it's not really worth posting about... but it's a good parallel with CH. I've done or said something that she's unhappy with. She's told KfW2 some of the detail, but won't tell me directly.

So, in all honesty, I can actually say that CH is acting like a 10 year old.

What's up?

I was in contact with KfW2 a few days ago over IM. At the end of the day, I sent quick message.

"Away home. Talk to you tomorrow."

Straight away, before I could log off, she quickly replied.

"You sound fed up."

I admitted that I was, that it had nothing to do with work. She asked me to elaborate.

"House stuff and the usual stuff really"

"Which is?"

"Loneliness is the main one, but it's hard to single any one thing out. It's all intertwined."

KfW2 spoke about the house stuff (she's going through similar herself, then sent another message:

"As for the lonely thing, I was going to say how can you be lonely cos you're never in, but I understand what you mean... It's nothing to do with having people to go drinking with all the time, its to do with having someone there to be with."

"Yes, someone there to be with, to be able to rely on etc."

The conversation halted there, mainly because I had to leave. I thanked her for understanding and I promised to pick it up the next day. We didn't, but that was because work got in the way. KfW2 did ask, first thing the next morning if we could continue the chat, but I was mentoring a colleague. I will try and pick up again soon, because there was stuff left unsaid...

For example, it's nice to have people there when you go through a rough patch... and I know I have people that I can talk to, but I'm not anyone's priority and that's what provokes the loneliness, I think. Also the prolonged loneliness was the main reason in trying to chat to CH earlier in the year (people being unreliable hurts/annoys more when you're lonely) and to have her over-react in the way she did when I tried to address that hasn't helped.

I'm kinda in limbo at the moment. The housing thing, which should have been resolved within the next week could take another few weeks yet to get sorted, or it could all fall apart. It's on a knife edge right now and I'm waiting to hear from the decision makers on what my options are. I've moved out of my old place and am staying with family, but I can't settle. I need my own place.

I was touched, but also a little frustrated, by KfW2's empathy. It only took two sentences over IM for her to figure out that something was wrong though admittedly, she hasn't realised that the funk's been ongoing for a long time, but she's noticed more than anyone else I spend time with.

Grrrr...

It wasn't exactly a once in a lifetime opportunity, but it was a rare occurrence and needed to be taken with both hands. So, that being said, FP and I flew to Bristol at the weekend for a major sporting event. I like Bristol - E and I used to spend some great weekends there, chilling, getting drunk etc. The problem was, it wasn't just FP and I. FP's friends were along for the ride. It's not that I don't like FP's friends, but their company can be frustrating at times (they only talk about the same three subjects). For the record, they're father and son.

This weekend was no exception. They weren't meant to be coming, but their various prior arrangements fell through and they were able to join myself and FP. As far as I was concerned, they were tagging along with me and FP. After all, we'd done all the legwork and arranging, they'd just turned up. FP and I had done all the research - hotels, flights, pubs, trains, directions etc. They'd just turned up.

We had arranged to meet at the hotel entrance, but Friend Snr called FP and said they'd gone exploring. FP rolled his eyes and said we'd be at the train station.

The town was heaving with people, but luckily I'd been in touch with a local who'd given us a couple of good pubs off the beaten track. But, no. Friend Jnr had been advised by his co-workers about a craft beer bar that he simply NEEDED to go and see. None of this had been mentioned previously, even after my mail a week previously about the pubs the local had recommended. I voiced my disapproval about the fact there was no group decision and followed them.

At the craft beer bar, I mentioned to Friend Snr that I was happy enough drinking there until the event, but afterwards, we had already made tentative plans to meet up with friends for an hour or so (BR, G, M and a few others). Friend Snr seemed to think that this was reasonable, so that worked for me. After the event, I bumped into an old school friend. An attractive, female friend. FP and I chatted for a few minutes. We made semi-tentative plans about meeting up with the other friends (they all know each other), swapped numbers and trundled off. Jnr and Snr were nowhere to be seen. Not even common sense to hang around waiting for us. FP tried to call both of them. No answer - straight to voicemail.

It only took us about ten minutes to find them... back at the craft beer bar. By this stage, I was getting quite angry. I dislike people who are selfish in this way. Friend Snr came over.

"We were trying to phone you."
"My phone's in Jnr's bag"
"That's handy."
"Ah! Making yourself scarce gives you more value" he quipped.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You walked off in a massive crowd, leaving us to find you, and your phone is in your son's backpack? And what's his excuse for not answering the phone?"

Snr stood there with a blank look on his face.

"We had an hour or so at best to catch up with our friends before we had to head to the train station, and you effectively run away to come back to this fucking bar?"

"You were talking to that girl then you were going to meet your friends" he spluttered.

"Together. You agreed to it. There's no sense in splitting up in a crowd this size."

There was no shouting, but there was a tone to my voice that some people know never to argue with. Snr is not one of these people. He doesn't know me well enough.

We finished our drinks and left.

On the way back to our hotel (it was an hour's journey), Snr must have stated ten times that we needed to go for something to eat. Jnr stated about the same amount of times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons closest to the hotel.

We adjourned to the nearest bar to make a decision. In the twenty minutes it took to have a pint, Snr stated another four times he wanted something to eat. Jnr stated half a dozen times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons a hundred metres up the road. I finished my pint and went to bed.

The next day, we trundled up the road. Then it started again. Jnr wanted to go to Costa for a coffee. Snr wanted to go exploring. They both reiterated their desires multiple times.

Eventually they left to catch their respective flights, leaving FP and I in peace. On reflection, I don't think I like either of the two of them any more. If it wasn't the incessant reiteration  of their own desires rather than trying to suit the group, it was the fact that the only conversations the entire weekend were motorbikes, cars, aeroplanes and trucks. None of these subjects interest me. If they weren't talking about one of those topics, then anything that came out of Snr's mouth was advice. "You should do this..."

Snr never listened to me all weekend. I hate that. Even at breakfast on the last day, it was all too apparent:

"How did you sleep?"
"Not bad... woke early and never got back to sleep though"
About 90 seconds pass...
*nudge*
"How did you sleep?"
"As I've just said... I woke early and never got back to sleep though"

I don't think I'll be doing anything involving those two again.

Plus, being in Bristol just reminded me how much I missed E.

The end of the line?

Things are taking a little longer than expected to get sorted with the housing situation. Heating Guy is due to move out in a few days - he's been unbelievably childish recently, crying about a shortfall in the electricity bill (that simply made us even due to a deliberate underpayment for the TV etc. and he knew was going to happen.) Clothes of mine have been taken off the clothes horse and left on the ground and in the mop bucket - nothing serious - just little things. He at least has the intelligence not to do anything directly to me. His histrionic slamming of the doors etc. is becoming tiresome though.

I'm only here for another few weeks myself. TV Guy is on his own from the end of the month. It'll be interesting to see how he copes with two new people. He's gotten away with a fair bit this past 12 months - no housework, not being available for the landlord's handymen, not paying any gas money (dunno what Heating Guy  makes of this) and regular complaining about how much we spend on internet etc. With two new guys coming in, this will all need to be sorted and he might even have to take responsibility with one of the utility bills.

I'm in limbo for a few weeks until my own housing situation is finalised and I can't wait for that to happen. I just want to move in, get settled and relax again. That's looking at being the end of next month though.

I dunno how I feel about moving out of here though. It's been four years. Maybe five? I can't actually remember. I don't know that I was ever friends with any of my flat-mate, though I did get along with TV Guy and MfW to a certain extent. Come the start of October, it's a new chapter regardless.

About time!

While out with GM , S and Sports Girl last night, I took the opportunity to chat to GM about CH. I've been meaning to do so since I first realised that the communication issues were more serious than I had realised. For the record, if I haven't already said it before, I don't think there's a solution. CH is too stubborn to admit she's wrong or to back down and agree to meet me/talk to me. And, to be honest, I think it's difficult to get past - at a time when I wanted and needed to talk to CH, she distanced herself and made herself unavailable. Even if there is a supposed excuse in crossed wires (according to KfW2, I don't agree) that's not really what I look for in a friend.

Back to talking to GM, I think it was simply wanting GM to know the score, even though he's not likely to be seeing or talking to CH any time soon himself. We didn't get all of the chat out of the way - I managed, semi-drunkenly, to get the gist of the issue to GM but none of the details.

During the time, he only asked one question, about whether I was non-platonically interested in CH. I said that "if she were single, I'd be all over that", but said that I'd been hoping that me and CH could have the same kind of friendship that I had with KfW2.

So, before we got into the meat of the conversation, S and Sports Girl rejoined our conversation, and the CH topic was dropped.

I said to GM, at the end of the night, that I'd be revisiting that conversation soon, and I do mean to follow up within the next few weeks.

Seven!

I'm not usually a big fan of these Saturday night shows in Winter like X-Factor etc. I've been more tolerant of Strictly Come Dancing, but wouldn't class myself as a regular viewer.

However, with both Katie Derham and Kirsty Gallacher competing this year, I could easily be tempted into watching more often.

Ho hum.

I've often complained about the standard of singleton in my catchment area on the various dating sites and tools. It's true. Even the cute and/or interesting ones can ruin their profiles by making declarations that they're not interested in hookups or one night stands. It's the cynicism and negativity that really puts me off. On both PoF and Tinder, it's also not unusual to see the same people crop up time and again. "I'm back again!"

On Tinder it's more difficult to restart your profile, but I seem to see the same faces crop up again and again. Sometimes, it's so often, I don't know if these people are recycling their profiles every few days or if there's a bug in the software.

A few days ago, I matched on Tinder with a really cute girl. I'd seen her before. In fact, I'd pointed her out to USHW well over a year ago as someone that I though wasn't just cute, but was my type. No, not type. That's not right. It's how she looks, I think. She's cute - there are elements of Elizabeth Banks in there... probably some E as well and dare I say a touch of one of CB's sisters? I'd swiped right on her before - at least twice, if memory serves, with no result.

This time it was different. She had also swiped right. I didn't send any messages immediately. In fact, I wasn't on Tinder for the rest of the weekend after that, but when I went to sent an ice breaker earlier this evening, she was missing from my list. She has either closed/recycled her account or she's unmatched us.

It's kinda disappointing. While I know very little about her, she was very cute, and we have one mutual friend in CC and there's a level of attraction there that's been absent since CB. There are issues though. She appears to live at least 40 km away, which could have made life difficult. The real problem was that she has kids. I don't want kids, I never have... and I don't want to have to worry about anyone else's either. That's never an issue for a hookup or something casual, but it is a potential deal breaker when looking for something permanent or long-term.

Saying that, I was prepared to try an initiate a chat anyway, just to see where things could go.

Oh FFS.

Sometimes, things seem to be going too well. Obviously, that's all relative. The issues I've posted about recently are still there, but a few other bits and pieces were papering over the cracks. All-in-all though, I had plenty to look forward to between now and Christmas that could and would keep me busy and was starting to get into a more positive frame of mind.

A phone call at 5PM earlier put paid to that and shattered my mood. There's a problem. It's not insurmountable, but it's come out of left field, is a massive pain in the arse and is probably going to require me to call in a favour from family that I really don't want to.

Everything at the minute is time-critical because of the looming lease renewal on the current house. I need to get everything sorted before or on the day it lapses to save even more hassle, so the last thing I needed right now were further complications.

The next few days will be critical.

By the time Friday comes round, I'll be more than in the mood to go out for drinks with D, FBS and Friction Guy. Saturday won't be fun as a result!

Quick post.

I keep complaining here about the fact that while I go through phases of meeting people (in general, not one night stands or dates), it seems that it's rare that I meet people in whom I am genuinely interested. Or to use my own terminology - "girlfriend material".

In my younger days, I'd know quite quite if the young lady I was attracted to was a hookup or something with more potential. Most of the time, that turned out to be the case.

Over the past week, I've met three attractive women that would fall into the classification of "girlfriend material". We have mutual friends, but they're all unavailable for various reasons.

Shame that!

???

There is a ton of stuff going on at the moment that I will probably post about when they settle down into something more concrete, but I felt the need to put finger to keyboard today for a specific reason - the mood I am in.

As always, it's a combination of factors. Stress (from the aforementioned "ton of stuff"), tiredness, funk (yes, that usual one) and a few others that have all been poured into a massive cauldron and left me feeling confused. About everything.

I was at a funeral today (a friend's parent rather than anyone closer to home) with some friends. CH was there with GB and she never looked in my direction once in the thirty minutes that we were in the same space. That in itself wasn't a huge problem - I know what CH is like and even though I still think she's massively in the wrong, she's not going to change.

Anyway, afterwards, I spoke to FC about it as they're friendly. FC suggested that we sort it out. He reckoned it was a waste that we weren't speaking. I said that I was open to that, but it was my desire to talk to CH that caused this schism in the first place. FC and Sports Girl then suggested we need a kind of mediator. Again, it's not something I am against per se, but CH is the stumbling block here. While I am not suggesting that GM is the mediator, I have been meaning to have a conversation with him about the CH thing for quite a while now.

Officially (because CH hasn't ever told me), I am in the dark about CH. It was only that KfW2 told me or else I'd have been none the wiser. In fact, it was after I'd given up asking for lunch or coffee dates for a chat that CH apparently went into her mood.

Still, the mediator idea has piqued my interest.