Pinting and planning

While FP and I were throwing pints down ourselves last night, the subject of chat turned to weight loss and exercise.

We're both heavier and unfitter than we should be - FP by some considerable margin. However, he's already started doing the 5:2 diet and lost around half a stone (7lbs). That's impressive. I looked into the 5:2 diet, but I don't know if I have the willpower for it.

I explained my Yoga and Freeletics plan and how I'd lost nearly a stone just doing the Yoga and quitting bread and crisps a few years ago.

So we agreed that we'd try other things. FP suggested hill walking as one thing. I don't know if I'm madly keen on the idea, but it would get me out of the house. The problem with planning things with FP is that he works shifts and it's difficult to organise in advance.

But I think having a regular partner might help. CC would have been good had she not insisted that I organise everything. I've complained before that CC is like having a girlfriend without any of the benefits. As it stands, when I refused, she made her own arrangements and it seems to be doing her some good.

January will be tough because of work things - performance reviews and stuff. Exercise is something to look forward to, something to plan and work towards.

Groo.

Off the back of this post, KfW2 had suggested I visit her today. That's been cancelled - she came down with illness on Tuesday and has been getting worse all week.

Initially, she was adamant that I'd still go, but I was having none of it. KfW2 is a trooper. Unlike me, she will just get on with it, so for her to actually be bed-ridden for three days is almost unheard of. At least, in the eight years or so that I've known her, I can't recall her being ill like this. I don't care what she says - she needs the rest to get better without having to worry about guests, getting the house tidy etc.

It's a blessing in disguise. I was in the pub for near 12 hours yesterday and while I wasn't horrendously drunk, it was more than tipsy and a quiet day at work and chilling this afternoon was definitely more beneficial than running around after three infants.

The added bonus is that I get to watch the footy tonight (my team is playing). Typical man, eh?

Maybe we'll get something sorted after Xmas and it might even be an adult day out - dinner and drinks or something. I'd definitely like that.

Centric.

When CH and I fell out (or rather CH stopped talking to me), it was because I had criticised her. The first shot fired was her reliability. I say "shot", but really I don't think I was *that* blunt. 90% of the time, she'd agree to do something social then cry off with a day or so to go, often with the flimsiest of excuses.

When we did have a chat about it, it was also suggested that everything revolved around her or was done the way she wanted. Numerous times, for example, I tried to get her for a coffee to chat about something personal only for CH to turn up with MFF or OK in tow. On the flip side, social engagements that CH had a say in were rarely cancelled.

This was why I'd been critical. Having to constantly work around someone, regardless of the chemistry or trust, is not a friendship.

So, it was interesting to see what was going to happen when CH sneaked in to our Xmas party. After all, this was something she counter-suggested when I suggested buying her a birthday drink a few months ago.

Well, let's put it this way... I didn't hear from her. Neither did KfW2. Neither did GB. Three people that she was close to at one time and was supposedly looking forward to meeting.

I'd left the party early due to a funk, so I've no idea if she made any effort to hunt me out. The lack of text message asking my whereabouts would suggest not, though. As would KfW2 and GB's lack of contact.

As usual, it was all about CH.

Self examination.

I've always wondered why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other. Christmas has never been an important time of the year for me, or my family really, until my sister had kids. The only time I've been in a proper relationship over Christmas was when I was with FA2. My brief dalliance with FBS started around this time of year, too, though that hardly counts. However, to be honest, the only Christmas FA2 and I were together, she wasn't around for it. I'm not complaining about her going to her parents or anything - it's not like we were living together where that might be a valid complaint. She actively left the country to spend time with her parents and extended family in the States.

Any time there was criticism from FA2 about my commitment to the relationship (this was pretty much the only time we ever argued), I only ever had two counter arguments:

1) Actions speak louder than words and if she had any doubts to my commitment or feelings for her, my actions should be perfectly clear even if I didn't express it verbally as much as I should
2) She was the one who took herself 3000 miles away at a time of the year where loved ones were supposed to be important.

We'd already spoken about it before and after she went. I'd said at the time that I was disappointed that she'd gone (though glad she was back for NYE). We'd been officially dating for 8 months at that stage and unofficially on and off for another three prior to that. She made it clear that her family would always take precedence.

"Even if it's just for a holiday?"

She had no answer, but in reality, I knew the decision wasn't even hers, even if she didn't realise it herself. Her mother called the shots and she had decided FA2 was going to America to see her family. I don't even think that her mother liked me that much. So, FA2 wasn't going to go against her mother.

I kinda got side-tracked there. As I said, Christmas has never been important, so I'm at a loss as to why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other.

Good for the soul.

I've admitted my current poor form to both GM and KfW2. GM last night, and KfW2 this morning. I also explained to KfW2 that it was an influential factor in my early departure from the Christmas party. GM gave a succinct "Sorry to hear that mate" while KfW2 provided a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder.

Both suggested that I do something with them at some point this week - a trip to the cinema with GM and a visit to KfW2's this Friday. I've taken them both up on their offer.

While nothing else has been said regarding my admission beyond my actual confession and their subsequent acknowledgement, I feel much better for simply having shared that. I don't know if GM will follow up on the conversation, but KfW2 definitely will (or I will with her).

A side-effect of chatting to GM was, I believe, the reappearance on Whatsapp of SG after months of silence. She had some actual, proper updates on her life and a new hair colour - red - which is much better than the blonde she had been sporting over the summer.

And a side-effect of the conversation with KfW2 was her own admission that someone I presumed was a platonic friend was actually someone she had dated "for a few months". That's interesting on a few points.

Plans.

It looks like meeting S (and GM and SG) is off the cards tonight. S had originally said that he was going to head into town around 8 PM. Then later said that it had moved out to 8:30 PM. It's now 9:30 PM and there's still no contact from S to say that they're heading out.

Even if he does text right now, it's Saturday night a week before Xmas and it's after 9PM. I'm never getting a taxi inside an hour. I was prepared to head in early, have some drinks and leave a few hours later before the kicking out mayhem happened.

Time to settle in front of the TV, I think.

EDIT: S was never in touch. The group Whatsapp chat went quiet at 5 PM last night after S confirmed the first set of tentative replies and remains so.

Early Goals.

One thing I did learn from the Christmas party was that I have put on some weight over the past year. The suit, whilst still looking good on me (in my humble opinion), just about fit.

While my shoulder seems as if it's mostly healed, I still get fairly serious twinges in it that I'm unsure if it's the injury or because I've been consciously carrying myself not to cause the twinges.

Still, I think I need to get over the thought that I need to be 100% injury free before I can get back into the Yoga and Freeletics. I should at least try it out with some of the more gentle exercises.

But it's the holiday period. This is something for January.

Sigh (cont'd)

The melancholy has gone, but the loneliness has been a factor all day long, presumably the after effects of a load of alcohol last night. I've also been really tired as well.

A last-minute offer from FP for a few drinks tonight was turned down in favour of meeting tomorrow or Sunday. I'd also forgotten that I was meant to be meeting S tomorrow with GM, SG etc. though with the way I'm feeling now, I'll turn up for an hour or so then leave.

Sigh.

So the night didn't quite go as planned. I always look forward to our Christmas party. Part of that is that I don't mind getting dressed up these days. My most recent suit was bought with KfW2 in tow for a female perspective and I feel comfortable in it. It also helped that the first time I wore it, I got several compliments from the likes of CH to bolster my confidence. Another part of it is enjoying the women getting dressed up. Sue me, but I enjoy a bit of a perv. Quiet Girl scrubbed up well, as did a few of the other attractive girls I see around the office.

Anyway, we met for pre-drinks and had fun. A few of the people were ex-team members, so it was nice to catch up. We adjourned to the main venue to join everyone else. KfW2 eventually turned up with CC - they'd had their own party getting ready at CC's house. She'd forgotten her phone in her rush to get a taxi - left it in CC's house.

As mass produced dinners go, it wasn't bad. It was about this time that things changed. I'd already, at this stage, babysat KfW2's dinner while she went off to chat with her friend. I'd also let her borrow my phone to call her husband to check in. I had assumed that once dinner was over we'd grab a drink and chat. A few co-workers had left for the last bus or train, Stalky Guy went to the bar and KfW2 disappeared into the crowd. All of a sudden, I seemed to be on my own.

I sat there with a sense of something... a mood that I'd not been in for years. A sense of melancholy combined with loneliness. It's always brought on by alcohol but there's always an underlying mood for it to build on. I think KfW2 disappearing fed into it and my own current relationship issue was the foundation. I had hoped that, in the absence of having our own night out, we could make some time and chat.

I've been able to shake it before by talking to someone. In the past it would have been AM or QC2. These days it would be KfW2, but she was nowhere to be found. So, in the absence of forcing myself out of the mood, I went home. As I left, I did a double-take. Was that CH? It was.

I woke this morning to a text message from KfW2, sent at around 4 AM.

"Where did you go?" was all it said.

I have to say that I was disappointed that it took her so long to text, especially when she was reunited with her phone at 1 AM.

The mood from last night has gone. I knew it would - once the alcohol goes, the melancholy goes, or has done in the past. But I think I'm still disappointed in not getting more time with KfW2 last night, and maybe a little jealous that CC managed to get KfW2 alone until 4 AM last night.

That thing you do.

Another night and another dream about someone I know.

This time, it was QC2. The details are hazy, but it seemed that we were spending an awful lot of time together, much like KfW2 and I do right now. I mean, QC2 and I kinda did back in the day anyway, but not nearly as often or as closely as KfW2 and I.

Except, there was something between us. A spark. You know that thing were you're interested in someone, see them regularly and are trying to figure out if the feeling is reciprocal? That. And that was the crux of the dream - we spent all of our time prodding at each other (not physically), trying to figure out if the other person was interested, romantically.

I was attracted to QC2 back in the day, but never tried anything partly due to being socially inept and party because we were friends and didn't want to ruin anything.

There wasn't a resolution - the last thing I remember was QC2 trying to be more direct. Then I woke up.

Happy anniversary.

According to KfW2's Facebook posts today, it's 6 years since we had our inaugural Big Xmas Day Out. There were only four of us to begin with, that year, including KfW2 and CC.

By the end of the night, KfW2 was getting me horrendously drunk on Jaegerbombs and left me a brilliant drunken rambly voicemail that I had for ages (cos it was kinda sweet as well as embarrassing).

This is the first year since then that we've not done something for the holiday period.