Ramble on.

Sometimes, when I am unsure of myself, I read through some of USHW's really old blog posts, the ones from before The Big Incident (there are capital letters there for a reason). Now, before I go any further, when I say "unsure of myself", I don't mean I'm hugely depressed or anything, just that I might be under-estimating how great I am. USHW used to tell me I had a huge ego, half-jokingly (I think), but sometimes it was true because there are some things I do know I'm simply fucking great at.

There are some things I'm not so great at. Selling myself is one. That could be to a team leader in trying to get recognition for a job well done, trying to make myself heard in a group or trying to make a good impression on a girl (for romantic or sexual reasons).

Reading through USHW's old blog posts is an ego massage, but it has a purpose over and above some psycho-wankery... it does help me realise that I can be good at these things should I put my mind to it.

On a good day, I can be really good at selling myself to girls, at making a good impression, but I really have to be in a particular mood or have a good foil for some banter. Sadly, I can't really turn it on or off by myself. Apart from the recent blonde girl thing (which is still being pondered and nothing is decided or deduced), the last time I made a big impression on a girl was RB last summer and that was more a mutual attraction thing going on, right from the start. By that I mean we both knew we were attracted to each other, so it was a matter of not putting the other person off rather than trying to sell yourself to the other person. Even then, things fell apart, despite the fact RB was interested.

I guess this confidence dip is as a result of this blonde girl. I still don't know if she's interested or even if I am (for reasons explained in previous posts), but I'd like to be in a position to at least make a good impression and that's where things start going awry. There might be other forces at hand, too, but that's to be pondered.

The other thing that I realised when I was reading USHW's blog was that we don't really communicate any more. USHW doesn't say much on her blog any more... hasn't done for a while, and our communication via Facebook (or only other channel of communication) is very sporadic. I miss chatting to a few people on MSN as I used to do, and USHW is right up there.

Is there a reason for this post? Not really... I was thinking some things and needed to see them in the written word. Now I think I can deal with them better.