Shoulda said this a while ago.

I suppose this is a post that's been a long time in the making. It's something that's been on my mind a little for quite a while now, but brought to the fore over the past few weeks with USHW's Xmas card and comments by OH, my subsequent questions here and a brief chat with USHW.

The fallout thing has always bothered me. It's something I've always said and my stance hasn't changed. However, OH did get wind that USHW and I shared a bed. He did read some rather lusty MSN conversations between us and despite the fact that USHW and myself did behave ourselves (which is quite impressive given the amount of booze we both had that weekend AND how much each of us was gagging for a fuck), there did end up being (IMHO) quite a lot of fallout.

It meant that USHW gave up a lot of her internet hobbies in order to try and make things right again with OH, which had the knock on effect of USHW going incommunicado for a while. I'm still not sure, but I do hope it was worth it.

Since then, I'm afraid to say, there's been a certain amount of discomfort concern on my part when USHW has been in contact (or vice-versa). Why is this? I guess it's a privacy thing. Knowing that OH had been reading USHW's chats, blog etc. in the past, I'm reluctant to go beyond being distant-but-friendly with USHW in case he starts again, or in case OH is sitting beside USHW as we converse across MSN. There's one method of communication where I'm fairly certain OH doesn't have access to, and I've been a little more like myself on there, but even then, I'm still not 100% myself because of this concern.

I think the message in the Xmas card was a turning point. I don't think it's simply 'concern' any more. I think I am actually uncomfortable about it now and while I have barely restrained myself in the past from... well, I'd better not say, now there's no chance at all of posting anything untoward, I think.

What does this all mean? I'm not sure. It does mean that USHW and I will never get back to how our original conversations would go, which were often extremely sexual in nature and often simply a series of questions and sometimes flirty. Maybe our conversations will simply have to raise themselves from the gutter and we can talk about "proper" things instead of describing in detail what we'd do to each other if we ended up in a hypothetical week in a hotel room together (a point that a recent flirty conversation had practically reached before fading away). Maybe that's a good thing, though?

This is probably something I should have mentioned to USHW a long time before now and directly to her instead of one-sided on my own blog, but to be honest, I wasn't sure WHY I felt uncomfortable. I hope that if/when she comes by to read, she understands. I'm sure she will… after giving me a good kick to the nuts, that is.

[This post has been updated as I've had time to sit down and really consider what I've written. The original post was made in a bit of a hurry because I wanted to say something at least.]