Introspective

I was out last night with E. Things went well. They always do. I really enjoy E's company, despite my usual turmoil/indecision/whatever you want to call it. Last night was no different. I did spend the entire night still trying to decide how far away from Platonic our relationship had gone, if at all. Perhaps all this is is simply a good friendship and I'm reading too much into it because E's a girl. That's from my perspective, of course, not E's. I've no idea what E thinks. Sometimes, I've no feelings beyond E being a good friend, sometimes it veers towards lust and sometimes it is a matter of finding E good girlfriend material. I've spoken about this before in this blog in a few places, but here's one post from this time last year.

Originally, when I first started thinking of E in non-Platonic ways, it really did bother me. I've no idea why, but it did. Now, I think I'm more bothered by the fact that I can't seem to make up my mind or perhaps more accurately that I don't have a consistent take on the situation. Each time we see each other, I can vary wildly in what I'm feeling.

E, on these matters, is unreadable. I've no idea what her feelings are on this situation. I've no idea if she knows or suspects about my less than Platonic feelings and if she does, if she even cares. I'd suspect not, as far as knowing is concerned. I've never made any moves towards E in that respect and I wouldn't unless there were clear indications that doing so would screw everything up. Female friends of mine (F, especially) are quite adamant that girls do pick up on that kind of vibe quite easily and are quite prone to consideration of male friends as potential boyfriend material amongst other things. I think there are probably clues there if she looks for them, though not many. For example, I'm not sure she has too many male (and straight) friends who buy her small tokens/send her cards when she's feeling down. So, perhaps she does know and perhaps she has considered possibilities.

I've no idea if the feelings are reciprocated in any way. Sometimes, E is open and sometimes she's not. Last night, for example, the body language fluctuated several times between open and closed (as far as my limited body language reading skills are concerned). There were tactile moments and moments where she shied away from contact. Obviously, some of that was with respect to the topic of conversation where she was quite agitated about a few things and at others, she was quite happy. Tactile moments with E are rare, though.

E was telling me that she'd met someone. I'll call him CW. E's quite unsure about the whole situation as, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a situation she'd find herself in. This isn't an ordinary situation though as E's world is going to turn upside down within the next two to three months, so any situation she finds herself in at the moment is never going to be long-term. This is a case in point of what I've been saying until now. When E told me, I felt hardly anything. There was a faint glimmer of something, but what? Jealousy that she'd again hooked up with someone that wasn't me? Sadness that I realised she'd soon be gone, perhaps forever? Happiness that this, on top of a few other recent events, meant that things are going well in E's world?

Why does this bother me so much? Even reading back on the post, I still can't make head nor tail of it at all. Perhaps the over-analysis is clouding the answer.