Stuff.

There's a ton of stuff ongoing that, for the first time in a long time, could mean that come New Year's Eve, I'm celebrating an overall good year.

Potentially the housing issue will be resolved in a matter of weeks giving me a lot more freedom, but a lot less free cash. That will enable me to restart a lot of things that were put on the shelf a few months ago including exercise and cooking - two things that I've missed dearly. I'll also be in a position where I do a lot more hosting/entertaining - something I was unable to do when I lived in a shared house.

Sports Girl and I have spent more time in each others' company as well, but I'm unsure about the future. It's still lust rather than a relationship vibe I get from her, but I'm not sure that's her point of view. We've spoken about Christmas and New Year (we both find it to be a lonely time of the year and that could be the catalyst  for some socialising for both of us) and she's been very excited with my recent housing news. I get the impression she's lonely in general - she's mentioned a few things, amongst other things, that her friendship with GM, FC, S and myself is very important to her. Her youngest child is far younger than I had originally known, so she's been single a lot less than I had assumed. I have inferred, from what she has said, that she didn't do an awful lot of socialising prior to meeting GM.

She's very much getting into "friend" territory, but there are too many deal-breakers for her to be anything more serious, romantically-speaking or for anything like that to develop.

Pondering.

For obvious reasons, I've recently been pondering the term "fuck buddy", which to some is interchangeable with the phrase "friend with benefits". Not to me, though.

For me, a fuck buddy is purely a physical relationship. A booty call. Someone to scratch that particular itch. A friend with benefits, in my opinion, lies somewhere between a fuck buddy and a full-on boyfriend or girlfriend.

It's the latter I'm considering with Sports Girl, though I've no real idea how she would take it. I didn't notice anything untoward during our recent night out playing pool, but the past weekend's night out, her interest was clearer. She was very tactile while we were dancing, there were a few moments where it looked like she might have gone in for a kiss before she caught herself on and when we were parting ways (SG, S and a friend of SG's were going to a club while I called it a night), she was very reluctant to let me leave.

My current living situation is not really conducive to bringing women home and SG has a live-in teenage daughter, so it's not like we have ready-made privacy if things ever did get physical. My inability to make any kinds of plans over the past few months has been very frustrating. I have a lot planned when things are resolved, but that's not looking to be done this side of Christmas.

So, thinking about SG non-platonically, but also in a non-relationship way is a fine line to have to tread with SG already being a friend and us sharing mutual friends.

Words

After a bit of deliberation with myself, I owned up to Sports Girl about not being able to remember most of what happened on Hallowe'en night. This was after we'd spent the entire afternoon bantering away about replaying our impromptu pool competition of last weekend. SG issued another challenge, so I knew that we were both OK, but part of me still felt the need to apologise.

I do get drunk, but I am a sensible drunk. I rarely forget the night before due to alcohol and it's an even rarer event that I do something outside of my comfort zone. So, having memory loss of that period of time was something that wasn't sitting right with me. I don't even remember talking to SG after her admission, never mind just forgetting what it was I'd said. My vague memory of the night is of her saying something then there's a blank until I return from the bar or the toilet and she's sat there looking unhappy and on the verge of tears.

Arguably, I should have apologised weeks ago, but it was a conversation with KfW2 a few days ago that made me realise that time was passing quickly and waiting any longer would mean it was too long to say anything.

So, with no face time looming and us living on opposite sides of the city, I fired off a quick text message.

She replied. She says there's nothing to forgive and that I said or did nothing wrong (though I can't shake the feeling that I could've dealt with it better). She also admitted that she can't remember too much about that night, which leaves me wondering if she can remember coming on to me or if she's saying she's got her own memory loss to save face.

None of it really matters. We never stopped chatting and texting and have spent time alone outside of the group since that night, so we're all good. She asked a few questions about my housing project, once again offered a place to kip after a night out and the conversation continued as if the serious interlude never happened.

I just need to figure out how open she is to trying something physical without going down the whole dating route.

FB or not FB, that is the question.

Since her admission on Hallowe'en, SG and I have been in more contact. It's hard to say if this is a direct result of what was said that night because our contact, outside of the main group, was increasing anyway. And there was at least one night before then where it was just the two of us - having a coffee or just having a game of pool and chilling.

This isn't all one-way traffic from SG either. I've initiated contact a few times by myself, I've suggested that we meet, just the two of us, which was ultimately cancelled because of an injury to SG's daughter.

A few days after that, though, we found ourselves in a bar by ourselves. GM, S etc. had all had other plans, so SG's last-minute suggestion of pool and pints meant it was just me and her. We did the pool and pints, then adjourned to another bar where we knew a band would be playing.

It was a good night, though it dipped in the middle due to the breaking news of the attacks in Paris. She might not be girlfriend material as far as I am concerned, but she's really good company and good fun. I'm trying to figure out if we can get something physical going, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. There were plenty of hugs and, with her repeatedly dragging me up to dance, I had plenty of opportunity to be tactile.

The night ended late - we were the last to leave the bar. We got talking to a couple of people outside who were going clubbing. SG wanted us to go along with them, but I'm not big into clubbing. At least, not a club that exclusively plays dance music which is pretty much all of them here. I tried to get her to change her mind so I could order two taxis (we live in completely opposite directions, so no chance of sharing a taxi).

She left with the two people for the club. I flagged down a taxi and went home. When I arrived, I had a missed Whatsapp call, from SG, and a message. She'd gone to the club, then immediately gotten a taxi home before going in. We had arrived back at our respective homes almost in tandem.

There were a few extra messages swapped back and forth where I explained to yet another person that it's not clubbing I am against but the music. If there were a rock or indie club here, I'd stay out late a lot more often.

Since then, we've been in conversation a little more. It's less banter-like and more serious, but that's because SG's concerned about the fallout from Friday's attacks. In this scenario, SG and KfW2 are very similar - they're very empathetic.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd love for something physical to happen. I'm incredibly frustrated that a gorgeous, sexy woman who, physically at least, ticks a load of my boxes has shown interest in me, but I can't to the same in return, beyond lust. But she's a friend too. I don't want to ruin anything by clumsily trying it on when she's not interested (and obviously, having turned her down a few weeks ago and not actually being able to remember what I said, is not working in my favour.)

Oh dear.

S had a Hallowe'en party last night with a few of his mates and our core crowd (FC, GM, Sports Girl, FC's wife). It was a great night, but the talking point was Sports Girl.

She pretty much admitted that she was attracted to me.  I'd kinda figured that was coming from the way she was behaving in the time leading up to that, even though, in general, I always thought that she might have had a thing for S (and I definitely thought S had a thing for her). Sadly, from her perspective, I don't see SG as girlfriend material, so I had to let her down. I don't think I did it particularly well so I will have some apologising to do if we need to talk it out.

She looked stunning last night though in a home made Wonder Woman costume (she's into cosplay, so she's good at costume making). If she were into one night stands or something casual, then I would definitely have left the party early, if you know what I mean, but she's not. She's implied that in the past, specifically when she offered, then retracted, an offer of something casual with GM.

*knowing wink*

I also have a massive hangover today - jelly shots, general shots and tequila are not a good mix. And a tinge of frustration at not being able to take SG home.

"How's the love life?"

This blog post caught my eye earlier while I was bored: Things you need to stop saying to single people on "No bad dates, just good stories". 

To be honest, I've been critical of dating blogs in the past, not specifically on here, but in conversations with others - specifically KfW2 and USHW. I've often found that dating blogs tend to be a bit Cosmo-esque with their advice pieces. This struck a chord though - a lot of them were extremely accurate. Go off and have a look at the blogger's post to see what she has to say. I've "borrowed" the ones that I hear most often with my own comments (I've left the original blogger's order in for reference).

1. "So… are you seeing anyone? How’s the love life?"

G is probably the biggest culprit here and he mainly asks on behalf of his wife. Years ago, the answer was "Same old. Not really looking, not not looking". That was my mantra since my early twenties. Now the answer is "Same old..." then let it trail off. Why trail off? Because if I don't, I end up in a conversation where a lot of the following questions and comments come up.

Of course, it's partly my fault. I could take a simple step and use this as an opportunity to voice my unhappiness, but it's only really G and KfW2 who ask... and KfW2 knows my relationship status, she simply doesn't like me being in a funk. G, living in London, is not really in a position to offer any real help, so I don't bother opening up.

3. “Have you tried online dating?”

Unless someone specifically asks, I don't tend to admit to it. It's not the stigma that was once attached to it, it's my success rate that stops me from admitting anything...

"Have you tried online dating?"
"Yes. Yes I have."

"What happened? Any luck?"

"Well, long story short... over half a dozen different memberships across three or four sites where I've messaged well in excess of three hundred women, I managed to get a handful of replies that led to exactly one date."

"You must be doing something wrong!"

"I've explored as many possibilities as I can. I've tried all the advice I can find online. I've had serious profiles, flippant ones, silly ones, long ones, short ones, blank ones. I've tried as many different combinations in opening messages, all included a question, where possible, directly related to their own profiles to show I was paying attention and not spamming people. All my memberships had photos as well."

"..."

"And despite living in modern times, online dating is simply an extension of the real world. Women tend not to make the first move."

4. “The right person will come along when you least expect it.”

"Do you remember what I used to say when you asked about my dating? 'Not really looking, not not looking'? I've tried the 'laissez faire' attitude. It's not exactly paying dividends."

KfW2 has, unfortunately, used this as recently as a few weeks ago.

6. “I think you’re just not putting yourself out there enough.”

Of all the things to say, this is probably the one that's most accurate. When out socially, with GM or S, for example, we tend to be very insular. Chat and banter amongst ourselves. I rarely notice people who're not in our group. Add to the fact that while I'm a lot more confident in myself than I was in my late 20s, I'm still incredibly shy and speaking to new people can be very stressful for me (never mind actually trying to approach someone 'cold' with a view to chatting them up).

7. “Perhaps you’re being too picky.”

Am I? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Personally, my opinion has always been that I am attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. It's easy to be dismissive online, looking at a profile picture and a couple of lines of standard text ("I like going out but sometimes curling up on the sofa with a glass of red wine"). I also know that seeing the same people in real life can often have a different outcome - I've seen and spoken to a couple of women that I'd not really been that interested in when I saw their profiles on Tinder or PoF. Even DSC, while not being romantically interesting, was interesting enough to get to know socially.

8. “I don’t even know why you’re single, you’re such a catch.”

OK, that's nice of you to say, but if I were such a catch, why don't you invite your available, cute friends out so we can see if we hit it off? I don't do blind dates, but I'll meet the people you bring out.

You can look back at the posts I've made over the years about the perceived lack of effort my friends have put in from AM twenty years ago to both CH and KfW2 more recently. They've talked the talk, but no-one has ever come up with the goods.

To be honest, having trawled through my female friends Facebook pages, there aren't an awful lot of friends of friends that would immediately stand out - MMBF and CB being the exceptions... and possibly an old university friends of my sister's.

10. “I really miss being single.”

"I really miss being with someone. Are we even now?"

Grin.

I was in playful form at the weekend, enjoying my sister's hospitality and a few sports results. As I went to fetch another beer, I noticed my eldest nephew was chatting to some of his friends via Kinect in the warm up to some gaming.

I burst into the room, my t-shirt pulled above my head.

"Who wants to see my belly?" I shouted.

My two youngest nephew and niece laughed uncontrollably. The eldest, however, walked out of the room.

I returned to the sofa and continued watching TV. About thirty minutes later, my brother-in-law marched into the room with eldest nephew in tow. Eldest nephew had something to say to me, but he wouldn't spit it out. After about five minutes of cajolling from his dad (who had been told the problem), he eventually admitted that he was annoyed that I'd showed him up in front of his mates... that they were laughing at him.

I don't believe that they were - they were laughing at me playing the clown, but he's always been overly sensitive. However, I gave my apology and that was that.

In itself, it's not really worth posting about... but it's a good parallel with CH. I've done or said something that she's unhappy with. She's told KfW2 some of the detail, but won't tell me directly.

So, in all honesty, I can actually say that CH is acting like a 10 year old.

What's up?

I was in contact with KfW2 a few days ago over IM. At the end of the day, I sent quick message.

"Away home. Talk to you tomorrow."

Straight away, before I could log off, she quickly replied.

"You sound fed up."

I admitted that I was, that it had nothing to do with work. She asked me to elaborate.

"House stuff and the usual stuff really"

"Which is?"

"Loneliness is the main one, but it's hard to single any one thing out. It's all intertwined."

KfW2 spoke about the house stuff (she's going through similar herself, then sent another message:

"As for the lonely thing, I was going to say how can you be lonely cos you're never in, but I understand what you mean... It's nothing to do with having people to go drinking with all the time, its to do with having someone there to be with."

"Yes, someone there to be with, to be able to rely on etc."

The conversation halted there, mainly because I had to leave. I thanked her for understanding and I promised to pick it up the next day. We didn't, but that was because work got in the way. KfW2 did ask, first thing the next morning if we could continue the chat, but I was mentoring a colleague. I will try and pick up again soon, because there was stuff left unsaid...

For example, it's nice to have people there when you go through a rough patch... and I know I have people that I can talk to, but I'm not anyone's priority and that's what provokes the loneliness, I think. Also the prolonged loneliness was the main reason in trying to chat to CH earlier in the year (people being unreliable hurts/annoys more when you're lonely) and to have her over-react in the way she did when I tried to address that hasn't helped.

I'm kinda in limbo at the moment. The housing thing, which should have been resolved within the next week could take another few weeks yet to get sorted, or it could all fall apart. It's on a knife edge right now and I'm waiting to hear from the decision makers on what my options are. I've moved out of my old place and am staying with family, but I can't settle. I need my own place.

I was touched, but also a little frustrated, by KfW2's empathy. It only took two sentences over IM for her to figure out that something was wrong though admittedly, she hasn't realised that the funk's been ongoing for a long time, but she's noticed more than anyone else I spend time with.

Grrrr...

It wasn't exactly a once in a lifetime opportunity, but it was a rare occurrence and needed to be taken with both hands. So, that being said, FP and I flew to Bristol at the weekend for a major sporting event. I like Bristol - E and I used to spend some great weekends there, chilling, getting drunk etc. The problem was, it wasn't just FP and I. FP's friends were along for the ride. It's not that I don't like FP's friends, but their company can be frustrating at times (they only talk about the same three subjects). For the record, they're father and son.

This weekend was no exception. They weren't meant to be coming, but their various prior arrangements fell through and they were able to join myself and FP. As far as I was concerned, they were tagging along with me and FP. After all, we'd done all the legwork and arranging, they'd just turned up. FP and I had done all the research - hotels, flights, pubs, trains, directions etc. They'd just turned up.

We had arranged to meet at the hotel entrance, but Friend Snr called FP and said they'd gone exploring. FP rolled his eyes and said we'd be at the train station.

The town was heaving with people, but luckily I'd been in touch with a local who'd given us a couple of good pubs off the beaten track. But, no. Friend Jnr had been advised by his co-workers about a craft beer bar that he simply NEEDED to go and see. None of this had been mentioned previously, even after my mail a week previously about the pubs the local had recommended. I voiced my disapproval about the fact there was no group decision and followed them.

At the craft beer bar, I mentioned to Friend Snr that I was happy enough drinking there until the event, but afterwards, we had already made tentative plans to meet up with friends for an hour or so (BR, G, M and a few others). Friend Snr seemed to think that this was reasonable, so that worked for me. After the event, I bumped into an old school friend. An attractive, female friend. FP and I chatted for a few minutes. We made semi-tentative plans about meeting up with the other friends (they all know each other), swapped numbers and trundled off. Jnr and Snr were nowhere to be seen. Not even common sense to hang around waiting for us. FP tried to call both of them. No answer - straight to voicemail.

It only took us about ten minutes to find them... back at the craft beer bar. By this stage, I was getting quite angry. I dislike people who are selfish in this way. Friend Snr came over.

"We were trying to phone you."
"My phone's in Jnr's bag"
"That's handy."
"Ah! Making yourself scarce gives you more value" he quipped.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You walked off in a massive crowd, leaving us to find you, and your phone is in your son's backpack? And what's his excuse for not answering the phone?"

Snr stood there with a blank look on his face.

"We had an hour or so at best to catch up with our friends before we had to head to the train station, and you effectively run away to come back to this fucking bar?"

"You were talking to that girl then you were going to meet your friends" he spluttered.

"Together. You agreed to it. There's no sense in splitting up in a crowd this size."

There was no shouting, but there was a tone to my voice that some people know never to argue with. Snr is not one of these people. He doesn't know me well enough.

We finished our drinks and left.

On the way back to our hotel (it was an hour's journey), Snr must have stated ten times that we needed to go for something to eat. Jnr stated about the same amount of times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons closest to the hotel.

We adjourned to the nearest bar to make a decision. In the twenty minutes it took to have a pint, Snr stated another four times he wanted something to eat. Jnr stated half a dozen times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons a hundred metres up the road. I finished my pint and went to bed.

The next day, we trundled up the road. Then it started again. Jnr wanted to go to Costa for a coffee. Snr wanted to go exploring. They both reiterated their desires multiple times.

Eventually they left to catch their respective flights, leaving FP and I in peace. On reflection, I don't think I like either of the two of them any more. If it wasn't the incessant reiteration  of their own desires rather than trying to suit the group, it was the fact that the only conversations the entire weekend were motorbikes, cars, aeroplanes and trucks. None of these subjects interest me. If they weren't talking about one of those topics, then anything that came out of Snr's mouth was advice. "You should do this..."

Snr never listened to me all weekend. I hate that. Even at breakfast on the last day, it was all too apparent:

"How did you sleep?"
"Not bad... woke early and never got back to sleep though"
About 90 seconds pass...
*nudge*
"How did you sleep?"
"As I've just said... I woke early and never got back to sleep though"

I don't think I'll be doing anything involving those two again.

Plus, being in Bristol just reminded me how much I missed E.

The end of the line?

Things are taking a little longer than expected to get sorted with the housing situation. Heating Guy is due to move out in a few days - he's been unbelievably childish recently, crying about a shortfall in the electricity bill (that simply made us even due to a deliberate underpayment for the TV etc. and he knew was going to happen.) Clothes of mine have been taken off the clothes horse and left on the ground and in the mop bucket - nothing serious - just little things. He at least has the intelligence not to do anything directly to me. His histrionic slamming of the doors etc. is becoming tiresome though.

I'm only here for another few weeks myself. TV Guy is on his own from the end of the month. It'll be interesting to see how he copes with two new people. He's gotten away with a fair bit this past 12 months - no housework, not being available for the landlord's handymen, not paying any gas money (dunno what Heating Guy  makes of this) and regular complaining about how much we spend on internet etc. With two new guys coming in, this will all need to be sorted and he might even have to take responsibility with one of the utility bills.

I'm in limbo for a few weeks until my own housing situation is finalised and I can't wait for that to happen. I just want to move in, get settled and relax again. That's looking at being the end of next month though.

I dunno how I feel about moving out of here though. It's been four years. Maybe five? I can't actually remember. I don't know that I was ever friends with any of my flat-mate, though I did get along with TV Guy and MfW to a certain extent. Come the start of October, it's a new chapter regardless.

About time!

While out with GM , S and Sports Girl last night, I took the opportunity to chat to GM about CH. I've been meaning to do so since I first realised that the communication issues were more serious than I had realised. For the record, if I haven't already said it before, I don't think there's a solution. CH is too stubborn to admit she's wrong or to back down and agree to meet me/talk to me. And, to be honest, I think it's difficult to get past - at a time when I wanted and needed to talk to CH, she distanced herself and made herself unavailable. Even if there is a supposed excuse in crossed wires (according to KfW2, I don't agree) that's not really what I look for in a friend.

Back to talking to GM, I think it was simply wanting GM to know the score, even though he's not likely to be seeing or talking to CH any time soon himself. We didn't get all of the chat out of the way - I managed, semi-drunkenly, to get the gist of the issue to GM but none of the details.

During the time, he only asked one question, about whether I was non-platonically interested in CH. I said that "if she were single, I'd be all over that", but said that I'd been hoping that me and CH could have the same kind of friendship that I had with KfW2.

So, before we got into the meat of the conversation, S and Sports Girl rejoined our conversation, and the CH topic was dropped.

I said to GM, at the end of the night, that I'd be revisiting that conversation soon, and I do mean to follow up within the next few weeks.